Lux et Veritas
by knowhere
Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when the circumstances are changed? AU
1. Protocol

Lux et Veritas

Chapter 1: Protocol

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, however their new backgrounds and their differences from the original characters are my ideas. The title comes from the motto of Yale University. And I don't own any of the references that I've made in the text to companies, buildings, or any other names.

**AN**: And so another begins. Very AU this time and I think it might fun.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

---

The first day. Always a pain in the ass. I hate all the introductions and the frantic scrambling of the campus. It always seems so fake. I shrug on my black jacket and look at my reflection in the mirror. I look young. Do I even like it? I haven't grown out of my black phase yet, and I wonder if it even is a phase. Someone once had remarked that I have issues I need to conquer and that I need a shrink, and that the black clothing was just an extension of my complicated psyche. I flipped him the bird and told him to mind his own business. Well, I am still young and I still have no idea what to do yet.

It's snowing outside. I like the cold. It's numbing and it serves to stop my brain from thinking. The cold can sever all thoughts by freezing them right where they begin. Oh well. The messenger bag is resting on the chair and I shoulder it, crossing it from left shoulder to right hip. The papers that I had copied an hour ago rests in my arms since I don't have much room left in my bag and the weight is beginning to dig into my shoulder.

I need to push on the front door to make it fully closed. Mental note: talk to the maintenance man about it getting fixed. It always sticks when it's cold and the weather might very likely stay cold for a while. I don't feel like wrestling with the door every time I want to step out.

The fresh snow is crunching beneath my boots as it mixes with the dirt and gravel. I watch my feet as I walk, thinking about how it dirties the pure snow. And to my good luck, I've ran into someone. The papers in my arms scatters and they land all around us. "Shit." The moisture has begun to seep into the pristine handouts that I had carefully copied not too long ago and I don't have the time to make fresh ones. I scramble to pick them up and the stranger has also bent to help.

"Sorry. I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking." The voice was female but I don't look up. She's muttering to herself about how she was clumsy and I smirk at her self-deprecation.

"Yeah, you weren't."

She looks up and meets my eyes, knowing that wasn't the polite answer even if it had been all her fault. She looks guilty and I offer her a small smile. She's baffled. "Oh."

"Well, I wasn't looking either. So not totally your fault." She peeks back up, now nervous because I was rude a second ago. And she gets that I'm kidding as she sees my smile.

"Right. Well, still sorry. It's just that I can't find my way. This campus is so damn big." She's rambling.

Finally all the papers are back in a pile and I assess the damage. Not too bad. About a dozen or so wet, and another handful with little wetness or dirt but nothing blurred on the pages itself. "Yeah, I've petitioned to get it smaller, but then the school can't brag about its big libraries and its fancy halls." Dry humor.

"Well, at least you tried."

"Anything that I can help with?"

"Yeah, if you don't mind, just point me in the right direction." She's wearing bright colored mittens and a matching scarf, but it clashes horribly with the coat she has wrapped around her. Her breath comes out in little puffs and her nose is red from the chill. I'm sure mine looks the same and I vaguely curse at my laziness for not grabbing my gloves before I left. I can hardly feel the tips of my fingers, even as I reach over the grasp the map she holds to get a better look.

"I'll do you one better. I'm heading in that direction myself. I'll walk you there." I glance at my watch and notice that I have five minutes until I'm late. On any other occasion I wouldn't mind being late, but it is the first day and there is some protocol. She struggles a little to keep up and I shorten my strides to make it easier on her. We have quite a walk still and the silence is a bit uncomfortable.

She notices. "So, heading off to class too?"

I glance down at her. Young, and she is obviously naive with a tinge of hardness. "Something like that." I was being evasive but it's more fun.

"Wow, you're really good at small talk, aren't you?"

She's caught me and I laugh. "Yep."

"So mystery man. What's your name?" She's flirting and I'm not above flirting back.

"I like mystery man much better."

"I'm sure you do." She looks up and I catch her eyes. Blue. So blue. How different we are. Cold icy blue connect with my warm brown eyes. I don't move anything except for my legs. Waiting.

She's annoyed. "Are you really not telling me your name?"

"Really." This is more fun, I want to add, but don't. It's been a while since I've done this.

"Well, since I don't know your name I can't offer to buy you a cup of coffee." Her reply is haughty and her chin might as well be up in the air. Cute. But annoying at the same time.

"You can't buy me coffee unless you know my name?" I dig.

"Nope."

"Well then, my name is–"

"–nope, I've taken back my offer." She cuts me off. She's frustrated and I can tell, but it's all playful.

"Okay. Up to you."

She shakes her head with a smile that isn't offered for me to see. But I still catch it. We're at the building and we stand at the threshold. I'm suddenly nervous even though I have no reason to be. "Okay, here it is." Another look at the watch. "Actually, I need to get going or I'll be late."

"Oh, yeah me too." She replies quickly. She's hesitating. "Okay, it was nice meeting you Mystery Man." She turns and enters without giving me the chance to reply. It's better that way. What would I have said?

I'm amused at the antics that had just occurred with her and I run by the office to refill on my coffee. The watch reads one o'clock and I rush to find the room. The door opens with a slight swish and I settle my stuff on the desk. My shoulder aches from the weight and now that its gone, it's relaxing back into place. People are rushing around to find their seat and the class is a bit on the large size. For an English discussion class, it's big with about forty student. Oh well.

Time to start. I clear my throat. "My name is Jess Mariano, no mister is necessary and welcome to your English Discussion class. This is the companion to your Lit lecture and if you're not enrolled in Lit 101, then you're not supposed to be here and I suggest you get out now." I see that some faces were unsuspecting. I blend in with the crowd of students. But now, these freshmen look bewildered. I know what they're wondering. "Okay, let's get it out of the way. I'm a grad student and your TA, so stop looking around like you're waiting for your professor to pop up at any moment." Some chuckle, others giggle, and the rest stay stoic even though I know for a fact that they want to react. "Any questions?" No one raises their hand. No surprise, this is the first day and even the clown is a bit shy if not intimidated by the surroundings.

"Okay, then. Fill this out. And at the top write down a functioning email address. If you don't like the one that the school assigned to you, write one that you do like. And if you don't care either way, I still want an address written down. I'm too damn lazy to look up each of your emails. And this will be the way that I keep in contact with you as well as notify changes in time or dates of classes. And yes, for all those who are interested, I will be emailing grades."

I see that I'm getting some looks at the wet papers. "My apologies for some of them being wet. Just make do. If it's too wet, just use a sheet of your own paper."

I eyeball the rows and leave a stack on top of each of the front desks when I get to the end I pause. Is it? Clumsy Girl is sitting there waiting for me to reach her row. Her smile is a cross between amusement and curiosity and I'm sure I'm sporting one that is identical. I reach her, unknowing what to say. She beats me to it. "You finally have a name." She whispers to be discreet. I'm glad. I want to say something but anything would be inappropriate right now, so I keep my mouth shut.

So instead I shoot her my cocky smile and return to the front of the class. Her eyes follow me and they burn a hole in my back. It's going to be a long hour and a half.

---

Students file out one by one and I wonder what I'll say, if anything, when she passes my desk. She's the last one out. Was it intentional that she packed up her things so slowly? "So now that you know my name, you going to buy me that cup of coffee?" Jesus, was I flirting with one of my students? Sometimes my mouth just runs away without me. Get a grip Jess.

She's surprised. "Wouldn't that be weird?" She's right. And plus, I'm pretty sure it's against some sort of school policy.

"Right, sorry." I feel like I should add more to my apology. "I'm sorry about this." I gesture with my hands at the space between us, but what am I really apologizing for?

She looks confused. "You're sorry about losing a cup of coffee?" She's using humor to lighten up the tension.

"Maybe." I smirk.

She turns serious. "Well, no harm done. It's not like you could have predicted that you were my teacher."

"TA." I correct her. Teacher makes me sound old and untouchable.

"Still, I'm in your class."

"Right." I lift my bag with a slight wince and gesture for her to exit first. I hold open the door like the gentleman that I like to pretend that I am.

She thanks me by offering me a small smile and I suddenly curse my age.

We stop at the front steps of the building and I can't come up with anything to say. How does one end a situation like this? "Okay, so see you Wednesday." It sounds lame even to my own ears.

"Sure." She looks amused at my discomfort, but she doesn't offer anything else in exchange. She steps down and disappears around the brick corner.

Did I hope for something to happen?

My phone vibrates and I flip it open to answer. "Hey Mom. What's up?"

"Some greeting. 'What's up' Jess, how old are you?"

"Twenty-three and a half." That'll irritate her.

"Jess. When are you going to grow up?"

"Never. I'm a toys-r-us kid. I don't wanna grow up." I chuckle at myself. She hates it when I'm so sarcastic.

She blows out her breath and I can hear it over the phone. I think I hear her mumble about wanting a girl instead of a boy. "You remember your Uncle Luke?"

"No."

"Well, you have this Uncle–"

I cut her off. "–Luke, yeah I got that memo."

"Well, we're going to be spending Thanksgiving with him this year."

"You're kidding. No jetting off to Martha's Vineyard or Tuscany this year with Dad?"

"Oh Honey, you know Tuscany is–"

And I stop her again, "–so last season...yeah, yeah, yeah." She's so materialistic even though I've lived with it for so long, it still bugs me.

"Well, I think it's high time that we spend some time with family. And I called him up and arranged it."

'High time,' who even says that anymore? Were we going to sit down for tea as well? "Mom, you mean you asked him if it was alright, or did you practically force him?" She's a tornado when she wants to be and no one has ever said no to Elizabeth Mariano and lived the next day without regretting it. She just wouldn't stand for it.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." And she doesn't. She's not kidding, and that's the sad part. "I just wanted to call you to make sure you don't make any other plans."

"I've never missed a Thanksgiving, or any other pilgrim related holiday for that matter, because there are just so many."

"Good. I'll call you later with the details. Goodbye Honey." She misses my sarcasm but that's not new. She gets to the point and expects to hear what she wants to hear. She's great at business and I'm sure that where I've inherited my stubborn behavior.

"Bye Mom." I hang up.

---

My apartment is cold and I think the heat has gone out again. Adso slowly meanders his way and inspects my bag. He's always slower in the cold. "Hey buddy. How was your day?" And that's where I end my conversation with my dog.

I grab a mug and fill it with water from the tap and I make a face at the slightly chlorine taste of it. Adso has also made his way into the kitchen and he sticks his head between my knees to look inside the fridge with me. "Well, there's nothing to eat and it's too cold to go out."

Rummaging through the take out drawer I pull out the pizza selection. Adso will be happy. He loves bits of pizza crust.

I settle on the couch that's barely enough for the both of us and turn on the televison. What a hell of a start of a new year.

---

**AN**: If you're wondering, the title means 'light and truth' and 'Adso' is a character in 'The Name of The Rose' by Umberto Eco. I know I've said this before, but I'm in desperate need of a beta reader and for someone to bounce ideas off of. Please email me if you're interested. If you don't want to beta but are still interested at debating ideas and/or plot lines, then please still contact me. And on another note, leave feedback because I know this is very different and I need your response. Thanks.


	2. Iceberg

Lux et Veritas

Chapter 2: Iceberg

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Normal applications. I own nothing but the idea.

AN: I'm flattered by the overwhelming response. I really am. I've never had such an enthusiastic response to anything I've written. Thank you. A special thanks to Elise, Kellie, and Erika. I'm very grateful for your help.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

---

Her face is neutral and it throws me off guard. There's no expression but she stares like a predator to prey. There's no emotion, nothing like I've been accustomed to over the last month and a half. There isn't that glimmer of excitement when she's interested, or even that glare of determination when she doesn't agree. I don't know whether to laugh or to hit myself for even noticing the play of emotion, or lack of it, across her face. But right now there's nothing and I feel out of the loop.

"Okay, let's stop there and pick up on Monday. Please remember that although you aren't tested on your reading in the lecture class, this is a discussion class and if you don't read then you can't discuss, and if you don't talk you don't pass." Lazy ass kids, just as bad as me.

She's quick to pack today, not like every other time we've met and she's dawdled to be the last one out. Usually she's always thrown me a glance or even a word, if I'm permitted, but today she's grabbing all of her papers in her arms instead of carefully assembling them back into her backpack. She's upset.

"Ms. Gilmore, can I have a word please?" God, that sounded old.

She stops. She doesn't meet my eyes. The last couple of students have wandered off and we're alone.

"Are you okay Rory?" And now I switch to informal.

She gives me a fake smile and I'm not impressed. "Yeah, sure. Why do you ask?"

What she means is 'back off' but she can't say that to me because I'm not her peer and I hold the grade book.

"You just look a little distracted, that's all." Which is true.

She replies, "I'm just having an off day."

"It doesn't look like that." Why am I pushing? With any other student I would have left it at that.

"God, am I not allowed a day when I'm not in perfect discussion mode?" She's irritated and our privacy makes her slightly more comfortable to speak her mind. Either that or she's just outspoken. I haven't decided which it is just yet.

"Okay. Sorry I pushed." Two can play at the game of avoidance. And I'm a pro.

And she's the amateur. "Sorry, I didn't mean to blow up like that. I'm just upset at this paper that I failed." She relented.

Her simple answer makes me want to laugh, but that's not appropriate and I know that. Odd how I categorize everything as appropriate or inappropriate when it comes to her. Or maybe it isn't odd and I should pay more attention to it. "What happened?" Simple and yet I don't sound amused or too involved. Which is something that is becoming harder to do as she seems so upset.

"My damn lecture class. I wrote on the sexual implications and the allusions the book leads to about The Bible and I failed."

"You mean for the first assignment?"

"Yeah. The one on Eco."

"The one that you were suppose to simply dissect the meaning of the mirrors and the hallways?" Does she not get it?

"Yes. But I incorporated my ideas with the mirrors in the essay." She's becoming impatient.

She's just a kid in every way. "You can't do that on a first assignment."

Her eyes flash with dim anger. "What the hell are you talking about? We were allowed to expand the original thesis, so I picked something that interested me." She's stubborn.

"Sure, but you can't expand too far away on a first assignment. The professor wants to see how well you follow directions. You know that, you've played the politics game of education." I feel like I'm scolding her. Am I not?

"I don't see how that makes a difference. First assignment or the millionth assignment."

"Come on. Open your eyes. They do that kind of thing in high school. They butcher the first one so you will mold to the professor standards. When you get further into the semester, then you branch out on your own."

She rolls her eyes. She's listening and not hearing me at the same time. "It sucks; I worked hard on it."

"Yeah, I know the feeling." And I do. I'm not just trying to make her feel better. I've fought my share of battles where I've lost with my professors. "But now that you know for your next paper, you'll give him what he expects."

"She."

"What?" Out of the blue.

"The professor's a woman."

"Right." The nitpicking makes me wonder if she's conceded to my point and if she's ready to drop the subject.

And she is. "Okay."

But we're back to awkward silences.

Time has passed, a minute, maybe two? She looks up and smiles. Gives me one of the genuine smiles and I'm charmed.

"Thanks for listening."

"No problem." It really isn't. But I won't tell her that as the teacher's assistant I graded a good handful of those papers. She must have forgotten that it would be part of my job description and I'm thankful that she doesn't see the connection. However, my guilt is unfounded because the papers had no names attached so I would remain unbiased. But I don't think that would placate her.

We walk out of the building and the cold hasn't let up yet. My hands are in my pockets and I silently finger count my loose change so I don't feel ridiculous for having nothing to say. Well, at least nothing that I can say out loud and still be professional.

She's younger and should be the one who's impractical, not me. "It's cold today." She fills in small talk as if silence bothers her. I like the quiet but I'll humor her.

"Yeah. Storm might be blowing in by the end of the week."

She points. "There's a diner across the street. They have pretty good coffee and pie, although not as great as the diner at home, but not bad." She's digging.

But I still play the adult because it's my role. "Uh huh." I don't offer much more than that.

She's relentless. "You wanna try it?" It flatters me.

I glance down. I wait for her to take the reins but I want them back. I can't lose whatever control I've deluded myself into thinking that I have over the situation.

"Right. It'll be weird." She didn't quite hit the nail on the head.

And I want to clarify. "No, not weird. The situation would be inappropriate." Again with the appropriate versus inappropriate.

I can't tell if she's happy with my answer, but I can tell she's unhappy with the status of the conversation. "Is there like a rule or something?" She gets down to the real question.

"I'm not sure." And I'm really not.

"Okay, that's fine." But it's not.

"But I am headed to the cafeteria for a late lunch." A bold leap and a stupid one on my behalf. What am I doing?

She gets the hint but misses my reluctance. "I am awfully thirsty."

She's flirting once again and it feels wrong for me to have even heard it. "Okay." I nod because I don't know how to stop. Or because I don't want to.

---

I pick up a tuna fish sandwich because there isn't anything else and I don't want to look like I was coming onto her when I said I was hungry. Even though I might have been. At least there are chocolate chip cookies. I prefer oatmeal though. The coffee's hot but I wonder how long it's been sitting there.

She picks up a cup of coffee too, with cream and sugar. I like it black. Strong.

I pay for mine, and she pays for hers. I would offer to pay for her as well, but I wonder if that would raise too many red flags. No it wouldn't, idiot. I know very well that anyone would just see us as a couple of students, which we are. No one would recognize that I'm in a position of control, even though it feels like I'm holding on by a thread, and think that it's wrong to sit down and have a meal with a woman. Or girl? Shit, I don't even know how old she is. I've been concentrating so hard on the fact that I know I'm older, that I overlooked her age altogether.

She's sitting down and I plop down across from her. Yes, normal. That's good.

"So..." She's suddenly shy and looks so very young.

'How old are you' is on the tip of my tongue. But it also seems like it's the tip of the iceberg. I don't want to spoil it.

I wait for her small talk. I'm not disappointed. "Coffee black, huh?"

"Yeah, black."

"I always felt that coffee black was for like old people. You know, like senior citizens who have depleted their taste buds so much that they can only taste the coffee when it's black." I lift an eyebrow at her and she suddenly shuts up. She brought up the subject of age even though I know it was unintentional and just a slip to try to make light of our situation.

She feels bad, and I rescue her like the prince I fake to be. "I'm a senior citizen huh? I didn't get my discount on my coffee though." I become flip.

She's relieved. "Well, you do look young. Maybe that's why."

Again with the age. I'm amused this time. I open my mouth but she beats me to it.

"God, what the hell is wrong with me?" I'm wondering that too.

"Just relax." Good advice, Jess. Take it yourself.

"Let's just get it out of the way. I'm eighteen. How old are you?" Iceberg straight ahead.

"Twenty-three and a half." And it's out.

"And a half...so precise," she mocks.

I offer a sound somewhere between a snort and a release of air. But I wait.

"Well, that isn't so bad." Is she talking to me or herself? "And plus, you're still a student." She's not looking at me. She stares behind my eyes and above my head, like she's giving a speech and she's nervous to make eye contact. "But you're still my TA." Ah, the clinching point.

"Yes, that I am." Why must I place myself between a rock and a hard spot?

She rationalizes. "Well, two Yale students can still have coffee and a conversation, right?"

If she wants to overlook things, then I can too. At least for now. "Sure. Why not?" And that's it. For the time being. "What are you majoring in?" That's good. A safe topic.

She looks relieved. "Communication." A beat. "Journalism," she specifies.

"Want to travel the world? Or local, like channel four at eleven o'clock writing for the teleprompter?"

"Both." She smiles. "Either." She's childish. "None." Full out laugh.

I'm confused. But I like it.

"No, seriously. I'm not sure. I'm interested in journalism, but I'm not really sure where I want to take it just yet. Stupid, huh?"

"Nah, not stupid. It would be if you were in graduate school and still had no real idea of what you want to do." I cock my head to one side.

She laughs at me. But I don't mind. Not too much.

"Tell me something about yourself." How utterly charming once again.

I'm thinking. "I don't organize my socks." Silly.

Her eyes widen. She appreciates my humor. "That's a good start."

"Okay, you go." Her turn.

"Um." She's thinking of something to top my ridiculous answer. "I eat all the cookie dough chunks out of my ice cream first. Then the chocolate chips. Then the ice cream last, but most of the time it'll melt by then, so I eat it really fast trying to beat science."

What a delightful game. She looks expectantly at me. "I eat bread heels first. I like them actually."

"I can't blow bubbles in my gum."

"I can't whistle."

She's laughing. I'm happy with the simple gesture.

"I put on everything left side first. Pants, socks, shoes, shirts."

I'm close to blurting that I sing in the shower, but I'm afraid that's too personal. "I read every label for the directions. Cereal boxes, instant noodle packets, shampoo, dog food bag."

She has her head rested on her fist to the side. She leans sideways. I look around. I spot another student of mine. The situation comes crashing down on me. I've lost my mind.

I gather my trash and she's slow to react. She just sits there looking up at me. I don't offer any explanation. "Sorry, I've gotta go."

I leave her there, feeling guilty and ashamed all at once. I am a fool.

---

AN: Review Please. Such a simple request, but it brings such joy. Thanks.


	3. SOS

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 3: SOS

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: Normal applications. I own nothing but the idea...and perhaps the idea of the dog.

**AN:** To comment on some of the reviews: 1)For those who have asked the meaning of TA: it is teacher's assistant. However, it does not mean for certain that Jess is going forward in the education career, only that he's helping this particular professor. 2)Please keep in mind that this is a point of view story and so most of the text will be in description and/or internal comment through Jess. Conversation, although important, is not the main focus of this story. We are seeing things through Jess and when he does come across another person there will be dialogue, but this is not a script format story. Do not expect every line to be dialogue. 3)Lastly, this is an AU story, so there will be times where the characters can seem a bit different from the ones that we've seen on the small screen. That is an element of the story that I enjoy and have done on purpose.

Personal note: **I do not believe in discontinuing stories just because real life has kicked in. Stick with me, and I will finish this.**

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

She's watching me with passive eyes. She's paying attention to the words. My words. The words of others. Words she's no doubt writing down. But I can tell she's not putting her heart into this discussion. She never really participates. Not actively, that is. She'll interject when she's called on, or when she feels so strongly about the subject that she can't help but comment. Mostly, she keeps to herself. She sits in the front right corner with her dark grey notebook, jotting down notes that she thinks will help her on future tests or assignments.

I've come to learn to watch her without being noticed. When I'm lecturing, I'll glance around the room like you're supposed to. But if anyone were to pay attention, they'd notice that my gaze will linger a bit longer to the right side than necessary. No one notices. Or at least not enough to make it even an issue. I can just chalk it up to an odd preference to glance toward my right side. More importantly, she doesn't seem to notice at all.

After than brief encounter we had over a cup of coffee, I didn't avoid her. However, I didn't seek her out either. I watched her come into the room the next day, with her hair in a high ponytail, scarf hanging around her neck, and a cup of coffee in her free hand. I could feel her looking at me, trying to figure out what had happened the previous day. I didn't return her look and when she walked out I looked down at my belongings, pretending to be engrossed in the activity of packing up my stuff. She didn't say anything and didn't even pause at the door like she was hoping I'd stop her. When her back was turned I peered up through the corner of my eye and saw that she had already crossed the threshold.

Nothing happened after that. No more lingering glances. No secret smiles. No witty banter after class that could be mistaken as flirting. She seems to have lost whatever interest I had saw for certain on that first day. I'm glad. At least I think I am. You would think, I would have become more relaxed with the situation. But I'm not. I liked having the feeling that I could make her smile. I liked knowing for sure that I threw her off by saying something silly and unexpected. I liked seeing that blush creep into her cheeks when I leaned forward toward her.

She's looking out the window now. Her eyes have glazed over like she's not really looking at anything at all. My eyes dart over to her but then flick back to the girl who's commenting on the discussion. I bring up my wrist to check the time. "Okay, that's all the time we have for now. I've emailed the reading assignments that are due the day we meet after vacation. Enjoy your Thanksgiving." There's a slight rumble in the room as everyone packs up their things.

I sit down at my desk and watch everyone rustle out of the room. She's about to get up when her phone rings. Reaching into her bag, she sits back down to answer it. Her voice is soft and I can't make out any words as she continues to have her short conversation. Her eyes have regained their spark and a smile plays on her lips as she talks. An unfamiliar feeling stabs at me as I watch her. The thought of her talking with another guy makes me want to wish that I had left earlier. But I'm rooted to my chair. Unmoving. Staring. Unashamed.

She snaps her phone closed and glances up so fast that I don't have enough time to pretend that I wasn't staring. I flush. So much for unashamed. She slips her tiny phone into her front pocket of her jeans and I follow the movement with my eyes. I can't help but check her out. With no one else in the room, I don't feel the need to tear my eyes away. She seems to be moving in slow motion as I watch her walk towards me.

I expect her to ignore my steely gaze and walk out the door like nothing has happened but she's brave today as well. I can't tell by her look whether she's amused or about to call me a pervert for so obviously checking her out. I don't know whether to hold my breath or to run. We haven't actually talked since that moment where I ditched her in the cafeteria.

"It was a good class today." A lame start on her behalf, but we have to begin somewhere.

"Thanks." No other words come to me.

"Going home for Thanksgiving?" Chatty.

"Something like that. You?" I swallow the lump in my throat.

A smile plays across her face. "Something like that." She's mocking me. Well, well, well...is that flirting once again?

"My parents and I are having dinner at my uncle's." I give her a look that asks, 'there, you happy?'

"I'm going home to spend some time with my mom and her boyfriend, get some sleep, read some books that I want to and not ones that were assigned to me." She speaks as if she were mentally checking off a to-do list.

I can't resist. "Don't like the books that I've chosen for you to read?" I smirk.

I expected her to flush and to stumble over her words like I've seen her do before. But I'm the one that is surprised instead. "Nope." Very straight forward.

"Well, I do beg your pardon."

"Begging already?"

I raise my eyebrows at that.

She drops her eyes. Nervous and shy once more. "Sorry." She mumbles.

I dismiss it by changing the subject. "Well, I hope you enjoy your break. I'll see you after Thanksgiving."

She looks up at me. "Thanks. You too."

"Bye Rory."

"Bye Mr. Mariano." I flinch as I hear that. Good thing she doesn't see me since my back is turned. Hearing her call me anything but 'Jess' makes me feel old. Out of place.

---

I push the lock button on my remote controller and the beeping noise seems to disturb the quiet little town. How quaint. I spot the diner across the street and I don't even have to bother looking both ways before crossing because there isn't anyone out here but me. The qualities of a small town. The bell jingles as I open the door and I see my parents sitting on two bar stools. I can't help but think that I've never seen the pristine Elizabeth Mariano with her DAR meetings and exquisite benefit galas, sit on a stool of any kind. Not even when she went out to a bar with her snotty friends. I've seen her insist on sitting at a table. Stools are no place for a lady, I've once heard her say.

"Honey!" I can't resist the smile that comes to my face. No matter what, I still love my mom.

"Hey Mom." She comes up to hug me and to kiss my cheek.

"Hey kiddo." Dad. I'm more happy to see him. We always connected more than I did with Mom. He's always understood my need for space and when I wanted to leave home to test my wings against the wind, he was the one who defended me against my Mom's wishes that I stay closer to home.

I walk up to give him a hug. At the same moment, a guy comes down the stairs and stops at the sight of us.

"Oh Honey. This is your Uncle Luke. Remember him?"

Nope. "Hi. Thanks for having us for Thanksgiving."

"Oh no problem. We're all family. It's been a long time." His voice is rough. Burly.

"How long has it been, Luke?" My mother asks. "I remember bring Jess over for a visit when he was eight or so. Wow. Has it really been that long?"

"Yeah well, schedules always clashed." I can tell that Luke is being extremely generous with my mom. He is kind enough to not mention that my mom probably never even bothered to try to see him. I exchange a covert smile with my dad.

"Right. We're going to have so much fun. It's been a too long since I've seen Stars Hallow. And now it'll be just the four of us for Thanksgiving. I'm so looking forward to this." I haven't seen my mom this excited since they've elected her to the position of vice-president of that women's club. I briefly wonder if she's had a drink before I showed up.

"Um, about that." We look over at Luke. He seems uncomfortable. "Before you called to say that you were coming, I had actually invited someone else to have dinner. I hope you don't mind them joining, Lizzie." Weird to hear anyone call my mom anything but 'Elizabeth.' However, this is her older brother standing in front of her. I bet he has some good stories to tell.

Caught off guard, she remarks, "No, of course not. Are they friends of yours Luke?"

Dad and I watch the two of them like a tennis match. The ball is back in Luke's court. "Um...actually, it's my girlfriend and her daughter." He's rubbing the back of his neck. He's nervous and I don't understand why. It's like he's not used to the idea of having a girlfriend.

"Well, it will be fabulous. When are they coming?" Mom's always the kind to make lemonade when she's handed lemons. Must be the reason she's so social. With me, I'd rather shove the lemons down the garbage disposal. To hell with lemonade. Too sugary.

Luke opens his mouth to answer but the bell on the door jingles once again. I'm learning very quickly to hate the cheery sound.

"Luuuke, we're here!" The woman announces herself like Ricky Ricardo would to Lucy.

"Lor, good. This is my sister Lizzie, her husband Jimmy, and my nephew Jess."

"It's very nice to meet you. Luke has told me all about you."

Dad is the first to step up. "Well, I assure you that none of it's true." Leave it to Dad to charm his way into any situation.

Luke finishes the introductions. "And this is Lorelai and her daughter Rory."

Holy crap. Please tell me that it's a different Rory. Please.

"Hi." She steps from behind where she was gently closing the door behind her. Always the cautious and polite one.

She finally looks up and catches my eye. She's surprised. So am I, and with very good reason. But she's not reacting. Except that her eyes have widened to an enormous size for just a brief second.

If that's the way she's going to play it, then I can certainly play along with the game.

"Well, dinner won't be ready for a couple of hours. Just make yourself at home."

"Oh Luke, come on. We should give them a tour. Not like there's much to see, but I'm sure your sister will want to at least catch up on the town where she grew up in." Lorelai's perky. But not to the point where you'd want to strangle her.

"Sure, that would be fantastic. Jimmy, want to come along?"

"Nah, you gals have your fun. I'll stay here and help Luke." Sell out. Way to cop out of the situation, Dad.

"Okay well, let's get going." Lorelai ushers Rory out of the door while Mom has grabbed my arm and dragged me along as well.

The two women are up in front and is it my imagination or has Rory dragged her feet on purpose to walk besides me? Our moms seem to be safely out of earshot as I see Lorelai gesturing to various buildings and talking animatedly to my mom.

I stick my hands in my pockets just because I don't know what else to do with them.

"So this is ironic." Does she always seem to be the first one to speak?

"What is?"

"You, me. This whole situation." She moves her hands to indicate the space between us but her voice is low, not wanting to reveal anything. "I mean, I thought I'd get some time away from all of this." She's gesturing once again.

I'm a bit offended. And annoyed. "It's not like I deliberately planed this. Just so happens that your mom's boyfriend is my uncle. So sorry that I couldn't have arranged my DNA to be different so that you could have some time to yourself during your vacation." Needless to say I could be brutal when I wanted to.

Her sigh comes out explosively. But her voice is still calm. Calculated. "That's not what I meant."

By now, Lorelai and mom are significantly further from us. They're so far away that they don't notice when I plop down on a park bench. Rory joins me. But at the other end. Far away from any contact.

"What did you mean then?" I scowl.

"I just meant that I was hoping to have some space." I open my mouth to reply but she starts up again. "Time away from school. The people. The whole running around schedule and the hectic work load. I'm not blaming you for anything."

I turn my head towards her. "You didn't answer my question. Why is it ironic?"

She sharply tilts her head to my direction. Fire lights her eyes. Her voice is no longer calm. She's far from collected. "Because I don't know exactly how to handle you being here. When we're at school, it's easy to avoid you. Aside from the fact that I see you three times a week in class, but even then there are about thirty-nine other people there in the room. But now. Here. It's just us. Just you. And I just don't know how to keep away."

Excitement grips my chest. But also despair. "You want to keep away?" I whisper.

"I guess." She whispers back.

I look at her. Dead on the eyes. "You guess?"

"Do you want me to want you to keep away?" How utterly childish. Way to volley the ball back to my side.

"No." I cannot believe I just said that.

"No?" She smiling.

"No." I return her smile.

She looks away. "Okay then."

I still stare straight at her. "Yeah, okay then."

---

How long have we been sitting? Ten, maybe fifteen minutes? She's looking at me. Shy once more. She peers under her eyelashes. There's a giant elephant sitting between us, begging one of us to ask the question.

"So...what now?" Apparently, she is closer to the elephant than me.

I shrug. "I don't know."

"Can we just pretend that we've just met? Pretend that you're not my TA and that we're just two regular Yale students who happened to be loosely connected?"

I swear she lives in her own little world. "What good will that do?"

"Because, if for some reason we find out that we can't stand each other then there's no reason to wonder anymore. So no weirdness when we go back to school."

"What happens if we find out we don't hate each other?"

"I haven't really thought it through to that point." She's biting her lip.

We're silent once more.

She's staring at her shoes. They're blue. Converse. Just like the black ones that I'm wearing.

"Why can't you just try?" She's whispering again.

I let out a chuckle. It sounds somewhere between bitter and amused. "What's the point in trying? The reality of the situation will come crashing back down on us."

"Would it kill you to humor me; to not be so damn realistic?"

"It might." It sounds like a joke, but I'm not joking. Pretending to be something we're not and then ripping that situation away from me just might very well kill me in the process. If I can't have her, I don't want a glimpse of what it might feel like. Ignorance is bliss.

"Is this the way you tell me that you don't want me?" She's bolder than I would ever think she could be.

Her question hits me hard. Blunt. To the point. If I were smart I would just swallow whatever I feel and say yes. It would be so easy to just forget. Move on. But who ever said I wanted to be smart? "No. It's not."

She nods. I barely catch the movement. "So what are you saying?"

I look up. The stars have begun to be visible in the dimming sky. "I'm saying that I can't pretend. But I'm also saying that I want to spend Thanksgiving with you."

She raises her eyebrows as if to ask if there's more.

I answer. "I don't think I can offer much more than that."

She's quiet. I wonder if she's disappointed. "Do I still call you Mr. Mariano?"

I chuckle. And the laugh is real. "I hope not."

"Okay." She looks over at me. "Jess."

Hearing her say my name wipes the smile off my face. Hearing it made me shiver. Even in my jacket. Who would have thought that hearing your own name could sound so intimate? Am I shivering out of cold or out of want?

Her eyes have not left my face, but she doesn't question my sudden change of expression. Her gaze flicks suddenly to my lips but I chose to ignore it. "You want a tour of the town?"

My lips quirk up in a grin. "Sure."

She gets up and I follow suit.

She's pointing to something and describing the shop but I barely hear her. She's moved closer as we're walking. Our sides would brush if I would just move a couple of inches closer. She's teasing me without even knowing it. Who knew innocence could be so seductive?

We amble along the quaint town square and she speaks softly once in a while in an effort to show me her hometown. We've walked in a circle back to the bench. That was a short tour.

She slows her steps as we near the bench we were sitting on. She looks at her shoes again. I look down too. Her arms hang down a bit awkwardly at her side. I slip my hand out of my pocket and skim down the left sleeve of her sweater. As I reach down towards her hand, I don't dare to glance up. I don't want to see what reaction she has plastered on her face. I don't want to ruin the moment.

I reach her fingers but she's not moving at all. She doesn't help. But she's not pulling away either. My fingers have finally entwined in each of hers. I'm still staring at our hands. I can't look up.

But I see her feet shuffling closer to mine. She's close enough for me to get a whiff of her shampoo. It doesn't smell like any kind of fruit, but it has a clean scent. I like it. It's making me dizzy.

She's coming closer. I stand still. Unmoving. Like a statue. The only part of me moving is my thumb which is moving on it's own, rubbing gently back and forth on the skin of the back of her hand.

She leans her forehead on my shoulder. She lets out a breath. I do the same. And we stay still. Right in the middle of the town. Next to a bench.

**AN: **Well, what do you think?


	4. Breathe

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 4: Breathe

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me. Other than that, I own zip.

**AN: **Thank you for the reviews. It's redundant for an author to state that it keeps them writing, but it's so true. Reading all of the comments just makes me want to sit back down and type. Plus, I just enjoy them! Thank you.

**FYI: **This picks up right where we left off in the previous chapter. I also reference some details that have been stated in previous chapters, but they're just little details.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

Her forehead is still resting on my shoulder but I've forgotten the time. Somewhere in the back of my mind I recall that we must be heading back to the diner, but I don't want to move. Why spoil the moment we're in? My other hand has somehow found its resting place on her hip. I don't even remember moving it. It feels nice. Right.

She looks up at me and I gaze back down. A breeze has picked up around us and she shivers, coming closer to me. One of her feet have come to stand in between the two of mine, and she's still staring straight at me. But her eyes have moved since I last looked. She's staring at my lips now, and this time I don't ignore it. I know that look. I see the longing and I'm sure I look the same way to her. Doubt has given way to desperation in my mind, and I forget all the reasons why I shouldn't continue. All I want is what I'm feeling right now. Forget what might come. Just forget it.

And it happens. Just a small brush of our lips. Nothing fancy. Nothing that would steam up the pages of a Danielle Steele novel, but just right. Perfect. And I can tell she feels the same by the sigh that escapes when we part.

Her eyes are closed once again and she leans forward towards me. This time, she's against my throat and it feels a little funny. Weird funny. But good weird. She's whispering and I have to concentrate to even hear the words.

"Tell me what's happening." She pauses, but I can't answer. "What am I doing?" I can't decide whether she's talking to me or if she's thinking out loud. "How did I get here?" Her eyes are still closed but I'm staring straight down at her now. "I mean, we're kissing the middle of the town square and I don't even know you."

"Sure you do." The voice doesn't even seem like it's mine.

"No I don't." Replied like a stubborn child. "I know that you like black coffee, that you don't organize your socks, and that you can't whistle but I don't know any more."

"You need to know more?"

She chuckles and finally looks up at me. "More would be good." Her arms are wrapped around my waist now. They feel warm against my jacket.

"Like what?"

"Like how you're doing this to me?" Vague.

"Doing what?"

"Making me feel like this." She's not being very helpful.

"How do I make you feel?"

"Like I can't feel my feet."

I lighten the situation around us. "You must have frostbite."

She's giggling. It sounds floaty and sweet. "Maybe."

My arms tighten their hold on her shoulders. "Maybe I have frostbite too."

"Is frostbite supposed to make your knees week too? Does it make your heart pound like it's about to explode?"

"Our frostbite does." I smile down at her.

"Okay."

The wind picks up around us. I notice that the town square is lit up with only five street lamps.

"Jess?"

I close my eyes to let the feeling of her whispering my name wash over me. "Yes?"

"It's cold."

I nod against her.

Her hands have somehow found their way underneath my jacket and are now resting on my tee-shirt. "We should get back to the diner."

I make a noise that doesn't sound like agreement.

"They'll be wondering where we are."

Reality is like a ton of bricks. "Yeah, we should head back."

Slowly she's letting go of me and in the process she has detached herself as well. We amble back towards the direction of the diner. My hands are in my pockets and hers have hidden as well. But we're walking close. Very close.

---

The little bell jingles as we walk across the door. My parents are sitting down at two tables that have been pushed together to make room for everyone and Mom is chatting with Lorelai. Luke comes from behind the curtain with the turkey in his hands.

"Oh good, you guys are back." His voice sounds foreign to my ears. "Sit down, we're about to eat."

We take off our jackets and I take hers to hang it up. My hand brushes hers and suddenly it's warm to the touch. She looks down and away from me. I avoid eye contact too in fear that it would give us away.

We take our seats at the table, which happen to be next to each other and we're still silent. No one seems to take notice. I scoot my chair up closer to the table and if the others were paying closer attention they would see that I've also pulled closer to her. Still in our own world, I begin to dish food onto my plate. It seems to go by in a blur of colors, but I somehow end up with a little bit of everything on my plate.

The adults are conversing and I playfully bump my knee gently against her own. The movement doesn't even disturbs her leg, but she's suddenly stopped with a fork full of mashed potatoes halfway to her mouth.

"Rory?" Lorelai suddenly takes notice of her daughter across the table.

"Hm?" She's placed the fork of food back down on her plate and comes to half heartedly address her mom.

"You okay?"

She nods and I smile.

As if she can sense that I'm taking pleasure in her slight discomfort, she bumps her knee against mine to playfully reciprocate.

Suddenly, Mom has begun to include me into the conversation. "Jess, I was talking to Lorelai and it seems that Rory also goes to Yale." She smiles over at us. "Did you know that? Have you guys ever run into each other at school?"

My voice has come back to me. "I think I might have seen you in passing or something. Something about you is familiar." I turn my head to look at her.

She raises her eyebrows as if to challenge me to a game. "Oh yeah? Maybe that's it. I was thinking that I might have seen you too."

"Jess actually lives in one of those apartments adjacent to the campus."

I barely hear my mom's comments. I see that Rory has tilted her head at that new tidbit of information about me. "How do you like them? I've heard that they're nice." She smiles.

"Yeah. I like it. Just me and my dog. I like the privacy."

Lorelai perks up. "Rory and I were just looking at one of those for next year. I don't know if she wants to stay in the dorms anymore."

"You can check out mine if you want." It takes every once of self control for me to not make it sound like a come on.

She lifts an eyebrow. "Is that an invitation?"

"Yeah." I smirk.

We both suddenly realize that we're not alone and I drop the look I was giving her.

"Well, that's very nice of you Jess." Her mom replies. "We might have to take you up on that."

I think I hear her mutter underneath her breath, 'I'm sure I will' but I can't be sure if it wasn't just my imagination.

"So where are you guys staying?" Lorelai has kept the conversation going all throughout dinner.

"We've rented a couple of rooms at that little inn nearby." I suppose Dad took care of that for me.

"That's my inn. You'll really enjoy it."

"That's great." Dad's not really the chatty type. He's more like a 'speaks when spoken to' kind of guy.

"Luke, you have really made a terrific dinner. It's been so long since I've had your cooking. We really should make it a point to visit more often. Maybe next time you, Lorelai, and Rory can come up to our place and we'll take you around New York."

Lorelai seems very excited. "I always wanted a native to show me around. The last time Rory and I went we only did the touristy thing, but it'll be great to have someone show us all the hidden shopping spots. Wouldn't that be great Ror?"

She seems jolted out of her daydream. "Yeah, that'll be great Mom." I catch Lorelai give her an odd look, but she dismisses it just as quickly.

"We'll definitely take you up on that offer." A beat. "Luke dear, where's the pie? And the ice cream and coffee? Don't tell me you've hidden it."

"I know better than that. I want to survive the night." A rare humorous side of him appears that we haven't seen all night. He gets up to retrieve the items from the kitchen.

I push the turkey around my plate, hoping that I've eaten enough to not look rude. I just doesn't seem like I'm very hungry all of a sudden.

A clash comes from the kitchen and we hear Luke curse.

"Luke?"

"Lor, how would you feel about apple pie without ice cream?"

"I'm sorry, that combination doesn't exist in my mind."

He looks sheepish. "Sorry guys, but it looks like I forgot to pick up the ice cream."

"No, Luke. What will sit on top of my pie? It'll be like, pie a la...air." She gestures at her invisible pie and I'm amused at how genuinely upset Lorelai appears to be. "Wait! We have ice cream at home. Rory, could you maybe go and get it?" She pouts at her daughter.

"Alright Mom. But only because I know how important it is." She stands to leave.

"I'll walk with you." I hope that sounded nonchalant.

She looks back at me. A slight smile has appeared. "Okay."

---

The bell signals our departure and this time it sounded sweet to my ears.

She stops at the bottom of the stoop and takes a deep breath. "Do you smell that?"

"Turkey?"

"No. Snow." Her voice is dreamy and enchanting. She's drawing me in.

We start to slowly walk side by side. "You can smell snow?" I tease.

"Yeah." She's serious. "It'll happen soon."

I like this quirk about her. I don't argue. "Okay."

She's walking a bit slower than I am and I shorten my strides to help her keep up. She's staring at her shoes. Shy, with confidence bubbling up, pushing at the seams.

"Jess?"

That odd sensation has passed again as I hear my name. I chuckle at myself.

"What?" She's tilting her head at me.

I'm not thinking of anything but what I'm feeling right now. "I like how you say my name." I say softly.

"Is there another way to say it?" She's not getting the point. But it's cute.

"No, there isn't."

She's intrigued. "Then what is it?"

"It's just after hearing you call me Mr. Mariano for a couple of months, it's nice to hear you use my first name."

"Oh." She smiles.

We keep walking. The town is so quiet that our footsteps actually sound louder than normal to my ears. Either that or my senses are just heightened by being near her. This is peaceful. Very relaxing.

We pass many cookie cutter houses but seeing them just makes me realize the charm of this little town. I can picture the people being friendly to one another, and it would be like walking onto the set of Cheers, where everybody knows your name. Surprisingly enough, the thought of living like that doesn't make me want to gag.

I think we're nearing her house because she's started to fumble around her pockets for her key and I spot the mailbox that clearly has 'Gilmore' stenciled across the surface.

"So this is home sweet home." She sounds nervous.

I pretend not to notice. "It's nice."

The door opens with a bit of a creak and I follow her through the threshold.

She clears her throat. "Um, living room, upstairs, kitchen, and my room." She points in the general direction of each location.

"Wow, you are quite the tour guide."

"Yeah, I am the best." She's blushing.

"Oh you're definitely something." I mumble.

She turns around. "Did you say something?" She tilts her head just for good measure.

"Nope." Smooth Mariano. Smooth.

I see her rummage through the freezer and she pops her head back out, victorious. "Got it. Plain vanilla, the best kind of ice cream with pie."

I've wandered slowly towards her direction and I peer into a room on my right. It's dark, but I can safely guess that it's her bedroom. There's a large bookshelf that is completely packed with various titles. Some Yale insignia decorate her wall, and oddly enough, there's some Harvard posters also. Without noticing, I've taken a step across the door, but not quite stepping inside yet.

"You can go in if you want."

Shocking me out of my reverie I reply, "You sure?"

"Yeah."

I finally go inside and she's flipped on the light switch, bathing the room with an iridescent glow. "It's nice. It's very...you." I'm not quite sure what I meant by that.

"Thanks." But apparently it must make some sense to her. Either that or she doesn't question compliments.

I slide out her chair at the desk a bit, and plop down. She's settled lightly on the bed, adjacent from me. I swivel around gently, and close my eyes just to absorb the moment. For some reason, the room makes me calm. It makes me feel at home even though I don't belong here.

The bed creaks a little and I open my eyes and turn to look at her. She looks nervous. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine." That's the worst lie I've ever heard in my life. And I've heard some pretty lame ones.

"You sure?" In this environment, asking her again if she is okay doesn't feel like prying. It feels natural. Concerned.

"No." She chuckles. But it comes out uncomfortable. "I want to ask you something, but I don't know if I should."

"You can ask whatever you want." Really? Am I going to answer truthfully any question that flies out of her mouth?

"I don't know if I want to ruin the moment."

"What moment?" I'm slightly confused.

She shifts her weight again and the bed responds with another small noise. "It's just that you look..." She's gesturing with her hands. "...happy, I guess. Comfortable, maybe that's a better word."

"Comfortable?"

"Being here with you is nice. And for the first time, you're not trying to leave because of our situation. And I like that. I like being with you without thinking about anything else."

Finally I begin to understand. "But?"

"But, I still think about what's going to happen once we leave."

"Leave?" Where?

"When we go back to school. Or hell, even when we leave this room and go back to the diner. What's going to happen tomorrow when I see you? Will I even see you or are we just doing, whatever this is for one night and that's it?" Wow, she's anxious.

"Rory, I don't know. I'm sorry." I really am. "What do you want me to say?"

"I'm not sure." She's biting her bottom lip.

"You're not?" I'm not buying that line.

Suddenly, she stands up and explosively lets out her breath. "Alright, I do know. I want you to say that this can work. That somehow, you have the answer and I want you to tell me what it is. I wanna be able to walk out of this house knowing that I'm not wasting my time liking you. I want you to say that everything's going to be okay and that we'll be together."

I'm stunned. "Huh."

She turns around and looks into my eyes. Hard. "You do like me right? I mean, we did kiss, but does it not mean as much to you as it does to me?"

She looks extremely vulnerable. I hate that she has to ask me, but this conversation has suddenly made me realize how little of each other we actually know for sure. "Of course I like you. And that kiss out there meant a lot to me."

"Oh, okay."

"But at the same time, I really don't know what will happen after this. I don't deny that I like spending time with you, or the fact that I've thought about kissing you since that time we bumped into each other at school, but I still don't know. I'm sorry." That's about as honest as I get.

She's nodding. "Yeah, I know." She's sat back down on the bed again.

I slide the chair over by her side. "Hey." She's staring at her shoes and I use a finger to tilt her head up to me. "Hi."

"Hi." I think I actually see some tears begin to form.

"It'll be okay. We'll work something out." I lean my forehead on hers. Her hands are resting on the tops of my knees, and I continue to hold her chin in one hand. The other hand has landed softly on her hip.

"Are you just saying that because of what I said earlier?" She's wide eyed.

"Nah."

I can feel her breath. "Are you saying it because you want to make a move?" She smiles.

"Maybe." I mirror her grin. "Can I kiss you again?"

She doesn't answer me. But she kisses me. Softly, sweetly, and utterly breathtaking. She pulls back and looks at me.

I don't want to talk. Not yet. I lean forward once again and take the lead. I increase the pressure I place on her hip and her hands have moved forward towards my waist. I want to pull her closer but our knees are in the way. Not wanting to break the kiss, I tug her closer.

She responds by sliding off the bed and onto my lap. And here we are. Kissing on her computer chair in her bedroom with her on my lap.

I finally break contact and I rest my head on her shoulder. She's running her fingers through my hair and I'm loving the touch. "Rory?"

"Yeah?" She's whispering.

"The ice cream is probably melted by now." I don't want to leave but I remember that our families waiting for us back at the diner.

"They can wait a little bit longer."

"Okay." Yeah, it's okay. Everything's okay.

**AN: **You like?


	5. Genesis

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 5: Genesis

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN:** I'm having so much fun with this story. It's light with substance. Fluff with underlying strength.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

Sleep. It's sticky; like those cinnamon buns that Dad used to get on Sunday mornings. My eyes are heavy and deep with relaxation and yet something is urging me to wake.

It's excitement from last night. And I suddenly remember the events that transpired before I dropped dead in exhaustion upon this bed. I can feel a lazy smile creep across my face and I'm glad that I'm alone in this room, because this feeling is just not normal. For me. I've read about it plenty of times and I've seen it in countless lame teen movies, but I've never quite experienced it for myself. Longing. Caring. Giddiness.

My head flops back onto the pillow as I think about how much of a sap I've become. I'm practically an after school special on PBS. However, as my eyes are closed, I think about her. About last night. I remember starting the walk from her house to the diner hand in hand. And I also recall her snuggling up to my side as she let go of my hand, but then replaced the absence with her arm snug around my waist. I remember thinking that the new positioning of her arm was much better than before. I had dropped a kiss on the crown of her head and she had sighed in response.

She kept a casual conversation during our walk. But nothing of consequence. She talked about her love for books, caffeine, and for breakfast foods. I replied with telling her that I loved music, pasta, and vintage muscle cars. I barely paid attention to her words because I was so engrossed with the feeling of her pressed up against my side as we walked slowly down a dimly lit street. But I heard every word. And as I lie here on the bed, I can remember where she paused in her sentences, where she embellished, and every flux of intonation in her voice. All of this happened while we walked very closely, with her swinging a plastic bag that contained the ice cream at her side.

We had arrived back to the diner and eaten dessert soon after, but then my parents had said that they were tired from the trip and that they should head back to the inn. They went back first and I remember the two of us standing awkwardly at the door, not knowing if it would raise any alert flags if I decided to stay instead of following my parents. We were like a pair of nervous children. So instead, she offered me a cup of coffee and I had accepted. I stayed. Luke went into the back to do the dishes and Lorelai claimed that she was going to help but obviously didn't we heard Luke complain that she was getting water all over the floor. We sat on the bar stools, drinking coffee from huge oversized mugs that might as well have been bowls.

Fifteen minutes later she yelled to her mom that she was going to show me the way to the inn and I was a true gentleman as I opened the door of my car for her. It would have been romantic had she not saw right through it. She laughed and I had asked why.

"It's just, I never pegged you for a guy who would open car doors for a girl."

"Why not?"

But she kept on giggling. "You just don't seem the type."

"Huh."

"I don't mean it in a bad way." She leaned back towards the car.

And I leaned into her. My arm was resting by her shoulder on the car, and I leaned in closer. Full body. "Okay."

I kissed her. Soft and sweet at first with all the intentions of being gentle, but then her arms came up to my waist and the kissed progressed into a new hunger and I felt her gently flick her tongue up against the front of my teeth. I smiled and opened up. I vaguely remember thinking that I was kissing this girl passionately with her pushed up against my car. Open for anyone to see if they wanted. But I didn't care. And clearly, neither did she.

I lazily ended the kiss and she made a little noise of protest which I found to be one of the sexist things I had ever heard. "I'll have you know, that I can be romantic if I wanted to be."

She smiled. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." I smiled back at her.

"Well, that's good to know." She tilted her head up again for another kiss. I didn't mind.

That time, it was her who pulled away and I felt myself leaning in further to try to prevent her from leaving. But she just looked me in the eyes with a shaky release of her breath and said, "Maybe I shouldn't come to the inn with you."

"Why?" I wondered if I had done something wrong by mistake.

She smiled secretly and shy at the same time. "It's just I don't think I'll want to leave once we get to your empty hotel room."

"Is that a bad thing?"

But she hadn't replied. She just blushed and bit her lip. She whispered goodnight and I watched her walk away.

And now I lay in my room replaying the way that kiss felt last night. I lay in the proverbial afterglow and ironically, it was not even sex induced.

A light knocking makes me lift my head at the noise and I want to curse the person who would wake me from my day dreaming. I just jump out of bed clad only in my boxers and I swing open the door ready with a sarcastic remark.

"Morning." There she is. Right in front of me at eight o'clock in the morning, armed with a to-go cup of coffee and a white paper bag.

I'm amused, and my smile reflects it. "Hey. Kinda early, huh? Never thought you would be a morning person."

She's standing still, not moving into my room. "I'm actually not. I just couldn't sleep."

I want to press and ask why she isn't still in bed. I want to know if the reason is me. Did I keep her up last night? Was she thinking of me? But I don't voice my questions. "You want to come in?"

"Yeah, sure." She's smiling broadly.

Now that she's fully in the room with the door locked behind us, I'm suddenly very aware that I'm only wearing my boxers. "Um, make yourself comfortable, I'll just change really quick."

Her cheeks are flaming red, but her words are cool and collected as she speaks. "Okay."

As I'm walking to the bathroom, I can feel her eyes burning a hole in my back. A whirlwind of emotions flood over me. Amusement. Flattery. Cockiness.

Inside the abrasive lighting of the bathroom, I slip on an old tee-shirt and a causal pair of jeans. I splash some cold water on my face, and grab the complimentary toothbrush and dab on some mint toothpaste. As I finish, I give myself a quick glance up at the mirror and conclude that I look satisfactory. I wish I had time to shave, but it isn't so bad yet.

I exit the room to find her sitting on my rumpled bed, drinking her coffee and absentmindedly flipping through the tv channels. Noticing me walk out of the bathroom, she mutes the tv. "Hey."

"Hey." I can feel myself genuinely smiling at this girl.

"I hope you don't mind me dropping by so early."

"It's okay." I can make the exception even if it isn't.

She looks down at the paper bag. "I brought breakfast."

I walk over to sit next to her, and she swings her legs up to sit Indian style facing me on the bed. I open the bag to examine the contents. Two doughnuts, both original glazed. "Thanks." I grab one and start to munch.

She does the same. We're not talking at all. We're just sitting on my bed, eating our breakfast in companionable silence. It's nice. Without even thinking, I gently take her cup of coffee out of her hand, and take a sip.

She's looking at me like she's horrified. And I'm suddenly regretting my decision very much. I don't know what to say except, "Sorry."

It's like she can't even formulate a reply. She just stares.

I hand it back to her. "I'm sorry, I wasn't even thinking."

She looks down at the cup of coffee in her hand. "You never take a Gilmore's coffee."

My eyes dart from her face to the cup, but I stay silent.

"It's like breaking the cardinal rule. Rule number one. You're lucky you're hot, because I would have bitten off your hand right then in order to get my coffee back."

I can't help but smirk. "I'm hot?" I barely heard any of her rambling about rules.

And suddenly, her demeanor changes and the coffee is forgotten. Her gaze falls to her lap and she bites her lower lip. "Maybe." Pause.

"You're adorable." I whisper. And I lean forward to kiss her. Softly. I revel in her childish confession.

When we pull back there's a full blown smile lighting up her face, and I'm amused. "Jess?"

"Hum?" I can hardly concentrate.

"Tell me something."

"What?"

Her gaze is dreamy. Far off. "Anything."

I wet my lips with a quick swipe of my tongue. Moisture. Suddenly my mouth is very dry. The situation is almost too thick for me to break through. I need air. I need lightness in our conversation. "You run funny."

I've snapped her out of her reverie. "What?" Her look is bemused.

"You run weird."

"When have you ever seen me run?"

"Once. I was looking outside of my office window. It has a view of the walkway up to the building. I saw you." I smile. "I suppose you were late to class. You started to run."

Her cheeks are on fire. She's embarrassed. She's tucked her head in between her knees and has practically curled up into a ball. "Oh my god."

My eyes widen. She's like a kid.

"I'm not the most graceful person." Her reply is muffled. She still hasn't lifted her head. "I'm mortified that you saw me."

A couple of stray hairs have fallen across her downward face and I gently reach over to smooth them back behind her ear.

That got her attention. She peeks back up at me and uncurls. Slowly. "When I asked you to tell me something, I thought you would say something about you. Not me." She's pouting, oh so slightly.

I smile, but my face is serious. "My lips are tingling."

"Mine too." She's biting the lower one right now. "Must be the chapstick."

"Must be." I chuckle. "You should buy it in bulk." I chuckle.

"I own stock in the company." Ridiculous answer. But we're apparently quite skilled in having odd conversations filled with nonsense.

The ringing of my cell phone jolts us out of the moment. I'm glad for the intrusion. She's pulled back to look at me grab at the phone on the night stand. I don't even look at the caller id. I just flip it open. "Mariano."

"What a lovely way to answer the phone. Ever heard of hello?"

"Nah. Too conventional."

"Anyways, sorry to barge in your vacation, but I have a question."

"Shoot." I spy Rory tilting a head at my conversation, but not making any gestures.

"What the hell is wrong with your dog?" Yikes.

"Nothing." Confusion stabs at me. Continuously. "What's going on?"

"He won't eat. I fed him like you said, but he just stares at it. At first, I thought he wasn't hungry but it's been at least a day and a half. He just lies there on his bed and doesn't move much." I can hear her panic through the phone. "Tell me I haven't been slowly killing your canine."

I chuckle. "No, you haven't." Typical Adso behavior. "He does this a lot when I'm away." Last time when I left him the kennel could barely get him to eat, or to even move out of his cage.

Her sigh is explosive. "Thank god. What do I do then?"

"Feed him pizza crust." Damn spoiled dog. "Or those dog bones on the upper shelf. Just give him anything so he'll eat."

"Alright. But I've warned you now. I'm guilt free about this dog and his eating habits. I wash my hands of this situation." Drama queen.

"Sure thing, Pontius Pilate."

"Okay. Enjoy the vacation."

"Yeah I will. And thanks for taking care of him, Alice."

"You owe me." And that's her way of saying goodbye.

I fold the phone back up and she's sitting there looking throughly amused by the one-sided conversation that she just heard. But at the same time, she seems a bit unsettled.

"Sorry about that." What else do I say for the interruption?

"S'okay. Sounds like an important conversation." I can't tell if she's joking or not.

"It's my dog. He won't eat."

She's lifting an eyebrow. "And he called to tell you that?"

Sarcastic girl. "Funny." I shoot her a look. "It was my friend. I left him with her and she was warning me that she won't be responsible if my dog is dead by the time I get back home."

"Girlfriend?" She just throws the word out there like it was nothing. Like it wasn't the most loaded question she's asked today.

"Friend." I clarify. But not too much. I like watching her squirm.

She plays with the hem of her tee-shirt. "Oh."

"Are we having that conversation now?"

She looks up. "What conversation?"

"The one where we clearly state our dating status." I reply flippantly.

"Yup."

I turn to look at her. "Okay. You go first."

"Hey." She's scrunching her face. "That's not fair."

"What's fair?" I grin. "I asked first."

"Fine." She dramatically sucks in a breath. "Single."

"Ditto."

"Good." She looks relieved. "So, we're both single." Her eyes dart around. "Unattached."

I echo her sentiments. "It would appear so." It amuses me to no end how she can be so nervous over the littlest things.

She's looking down at her wrist to check the time. "Oh!"

"What?"

"I've forgotten that I'm meeting Mom this morning."

"You guys having breakfast?"

"Nah, we're going shopping."

"You're leaving to go shop?" I know I sound disappointed. Sometimes, I can barely understand women.

She's laughing at my saddened tone. "It's not like I'm leaving on purpose. But we do this every year. It's the After Thanksgiving sale." She's gesturing a bit with her hands and she's trying to make me feel better.

I hate that I've been caught by her at my embarrassment. "Oh. Okay."

She gives me a small giggle. "Funny boy."

I take a peek of her underneath the shadow of half closed eyelids. I don't know how to respond to her statement.

"Anyways, I'll be back later. But much later. Like not until night. It'll be hard to tear Mom away from the stores any earlier than that." She's picking up her now empty cup of coffee and the bag that held the doughnuts.

I get off the bed too and stand with her. "Alright."

She's stopped her movements. "But I will see you tonight, won't I?"

That makes me feel better to hear her say that. "Sure." I offer her a real smile.

"Okay."

I bend down to give her a quick kiss. Odd how that seemed so natural to do. "Bye."

She gives me a little wave as she disappears down the hall. I wonder if she's worried that people are going to see her come out of my room? I'm not even sure myself if I want to announce to the public that we're seeing each other. Not just yet.

---

I can see through the window that Dad is sitting by himself at the corner table. I nod at him in greeting. "Hey."

"Hey."

I pull out the chair across from him. "Where's Mom?"

"She went shopping with Lorelai and her daughter." He tells me with his mouth half full of scrambled eggs.

"Ah."

Luke appears from the back and stands in front of our table. "You want anything?"

"Coffee. Waffles. And eggs. Sunny side up, please."

I see him scribble something down on his pad. "Coming right up." And he's gone.

"Thanks." I catch Dad giving me a weird look. But I ignore it. "How did you sleep last night?"

And he's looking at me odd again. "How did I sleep?" He says it in a different tone. A mocking one.

"Um, yeah." I'm confused.

He narrows his eyes at me. "What's wrong with you?"

"What do you mean? Nothing." I put on a neutral face.

"Something's up with you." He's put down his fork and has given me his full attention. He's scanning my face.

I swallow. I don't have a clue as to what's coming.

"Why are you all goofy?" I almost laugh out loud at him saying goofy.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I scowl for him just for good measure.

"Your eyes are all...bright. And you're happy. Even under that fake scowl you're trying to give me." He's unrelenting.

Damn my Dad for being able to read my mood. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Seriously. You look all carefree. Almost like you're..." He trails off and his eyes widen. He's suddenly leaning forward in a dramatic whisper. "Jess Warren Mariano, tell me you are not high. Tell me you didn't smoke something before you came here."

I roll my eyes. "No I am not high. Jeez."

"Well, it seems like it." He shrugs his shoulders. "If it's not drugs then what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing. Damn. Can't a guy just have a good day?"

"Alright, sorry." It seems like he's going to give up on the conversation.

Luke has dropped off my plate in a hurry to get to another customer and I dig in. I'm suddenly very hungry. As I'm eating, flashes of my morning with Rory run through my brain and I'm in my own world. I'm living in my fresh memories. I bite my lip in order to keep from breaking out in a grin. I lean back in my chair to look out the window and as I raise my cup to my lips, I see that Dad has once again given up eating to examine me like a lab rat.

"So, what's her name?" He's extremely cocky.

There's no use in even denying it. "None of your business."

"Oh, boy." He's teasing me. "You must really like her if you're going to get all defensive." Why is he so cheerful?

"Shut up."

"Come on, you know you want to tell me about her." He's using that sing-song voice. The one people usually use on their pets.

"No, I don't." I can't help but chuckle.

"At least you're moving on past Princess Bubble Gum."

I sigh to show him that I'm exasperated. "Her name was Susan, and she worked in the advertising division for Wrigley's Gum."

"Whatever." It's like Dad's the kid and I'm the adult. "I couldn't believe that you moped for so long after she left you."

"I did not mope." I'm getting defensive.

"You didn't leave your apartment for two weeks."

I fumble for an excuse. "It was snowing. You couldn't go anywhere."

"Bull." And that's the extent of the digging he's going to do on my past relationship. "At least tell me the girl's name."

"It's complicated." I've given up hiding the fact that there's a girl.

Dad lifts his eyebrow.

"It's new. So please let's just drop it, okay?"

"Fine." He's disappointed he can't know more. "Let me tell you one thing though." Dad's attempt at advice. "When it's new, women like romance. Not so mushy that you want to strangle yourself, but nice stuff. Like flowers and fancy restaurants. But don't forget that after the excitement of a new relationship, it better be based on a friendship or else you've got nothing. Make sure Jess." He's dead serious as he finishes his statement.

I nod. He's suffocating me with the truth. "I'll be back." I need to get some air.

The diner door slams behind me and I walk over to a bench and sit down. I've suddenly realized the situation around me. How can I be with Rory when I've had such a bad record with relationships? Especially with this one, where there are limitations. Restrictions that last only until the end of the semester, but I would still get in trouble if people find out later in retrospect. Not only are the rules circling the back of my mind, but also my hesitation of being responsible to someone. At times, it's hard enough to take care of Adso, but to add on another person who would get hurt at my expense is too much for me. I like being able to come and go as I please, to do my own thing at my own timing. I like being by myself. But I like being with her. My nerves are getting the best of me. I light the cigarette I had in my pocket. The smoke fills my lungs with some sense of relief. I'm very nervous about this whole thing. I stretch out my legs in front of me and I exhale.

**AN:** Thoughts? Tell me your favorite part from this chapter. Or tell me your favorite part from all the chapters. Tell me both to make me really happy.


	6. Exhale

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 6: Exhale

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN:** Sorry. I know it's been a long time. But I'm still here: reading and writing. Mostly reading. The story's coming along, albeit slowly, but it's still coming. I must say that I very much enjoy this story. Odd to say that mostly inspiration comes not only when I'm sitting doing nothing, or on the commute (both times where the mind wanders a lot to this story), but mostly when I'm frustrated with the stories out there. Where are all the good Lits? It makes me so sad.

On a lighter note, I once had a review that stated that they enjoyed "watching" my story. It said that they didn't read my story; they actually felt that they were watching the characters. I loved that. Partly because I do that too with good stories, but mostly because it's so flattering to me to hear that would occur with this story.

Chapter picks up right where I left off C5. It's been so long that it would be better to go re-read that last one to get the feel of the atmosphere once more before you begin this one.

So, enjoy and I hope that you too can 'watch' this chapter.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

Inhale, exhale. Repeat.

I've done nothing in the last hour; no, it's been longer than an hour. Definitely longer. The sunlight is not shining as bright. Not that I've paid any attention to the sun. But the true measurement of time is that I've lost almost the entire pack of cigarettes. Not lost, used. I'm down to the last one. I've just been sitting here, smoking. Not really powering through one after the other, but slowly. Taking my time. I've just been lighting one when I've noticed that I don't have a cigarette in my hand any longer. There are a couple of cigarette butts next to me on this small wooden bridge. Barely even a bridge, more like a footpath over a small trickling of a stream.

I'm almost done with the cigarette in my hand. One more inhale. Exhale. I toss it into the water. It makes an arch as the dying tip of the cigarette sails through the air and into the stream.

I'm feeling calmer after that pack. But I wished I had answers instead of nicotine pumping through my veins. I've just been sitting here in silence.

The cigarette has floated downstream and I can no longer see it.

"You know you could get fined for littering."

Despite everything, all the fear and apprehension, I smile. I turn my head. "Hey."

She doesn't return my greeting. "You smoke." It's not a question, it's a statement. One that is devoid of emotions, so I don't quite know what to make of it.

"Yes." Truthful answer.

"Hmm." She's plopped down next to me. Like a big fat raindrop on a cloudy day.

I think if I had another cigarette, I would light up right now. "Does it bother you?"

She's shaking her head. "Nah." Nervous chuckle. "Are you kidding me? I'm used to that kind of stuff."

She's such a liar. But a cute one at that. "Right, cause I'm sure there are plenty of smokers here in Maybury."

"Hey." She's trying to pretend that she's offended. "We sell cigarettes here." A beat. "Plenty of people buy them. Tons actually."

"Oh yeah? What brand are they?"

She's looking down at her feet, which are swinging back and forth underneath the bridge. "Um, the candy kind."

I laugh.

She joins me.

Our amusement dies down and we're silent. My thoughts about my failed relationships, or lack thereof, simmer in the back of my mind.

"You okay?" She bumps her shoulder against my right side.

"Yup." My response has no emotion in it.

She turns her head to look at me more, but drops her intense gazing after a second. She offers me a chuckle that has no laughter in it. "Am I being paranoid or are you lying to me?"

I don't answer.

She busies herself by tucking in some stray hairs behind her ear. She's doing it over and over again even though it's obvious that she doesn't have anything blocking her face.

I still don't say anything. I'm considering lying.

She looks over at me.

I can see her from the side of my eye. Without turning to face her, I reach over and wrap my arm around her shoulders.

She scoots closer. That's a good sign. She tucks herself into my side and sighs. "Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you really have some deep dark secret to hide, or is the mysterious front you put up an act?"

I can't help but smirk. How many people have thought that about me? I've lost count. "Nah, I don't really have a huge skeleton in my closet."

"Then why the attitude?"

"I don't like to be an open book."

"Would you rather read a closed book?"

Nice metaphor for an English major. "I like to be a challenge."

"So you not answering my question is you being a challenge?"

I finally turn to face her to look her in the eyes. I take my hand that isn't around her waist to touch her cheek. She leans into my palm. Her face is warm in my cold hand. "You're not being paranoid."

"Oh." She seems at a lost for words.

"Can we just leave it at that for now?"

She appears troubled. "Okay." It doesn't seem like it's okay, but she's dropped it.

I exhale again. I think she joins me and sighs but I'm not sure. I'm too busy thinking about how I'm going to solve this mess I've got into. I don't want to loose her, I'm really interested, but I have absolutely no confidence that I can make any kind of relationship work.

"Hey. You wanna come over and watch movies with me tonight?" She's suddenly perky again. Oddly enough, her enthusiasm seems genuine.

"At your place? I mean, at your house?" I thought we were keeping the subject of 'us' undercover.

"Yeah. Luke is taking Mom out to dinner and a play in Hartford." She offers that as an explanation.

I bypass all the innuendos that shoot through my mind as she mentioned that we would be all alone in her house. "Yeah, that sounds good." No matter how nervous I am about the uncertain future, I'm pleased that we can spend an evening by ourselves.

She's offering me her hand to help me up. My knees crack as I stand up from sitting half a day. "Let's go get supplies."

"Supplies?"

"Well, we need to load up on junk food for tonight. And if we have time, we can pick up something for dinner." She giggles like an excited child.

"Alright. Lead the way."

She reaches for my hand again and I smirk as she tangles our fingers together. It feels so natural and right to be walking through the town park hand in hand with this girl.

"So, what do you want to watch?"

"Whatever's fine," I just want to spend time with her. I won't be concentrating on the movie with all the things that I'm already thinking about.

"Oh, oh. How about we rent cliché first date movies? Just a bunch of romantic comedies that are deemed good date movies. Good idea?"

"First date huh?"

I've made her flustered. Her teeth chew down on her lower lip and she's gesturing with her hands as she tries to talk her way out of it. "Not first dates specifically to us. I was just thinking that it would be a funny theme for our movie night. Not that it's our movie night, like it's some sort of tradition. I was just saying out movie night because that's what my Mom and I call it. I was just thinking…"

I abruptly cut off her rambling, "Calm down. I was just thinking that we could go out on a real first date that includes a restaurant and not take out with enough sugar to feed a small town."

"Oh."

I love that I can make her so embarrassed with the simplest things. She leads me through the door of their local market. With her free hand, she grabs a basket and heads directly for the candy and chip aisle.

I follow. I don't mind. I'm a modern guy who doesn't care having the girl take charge. Kinda sexy when you think about it.

"Do you like this kind," She breaks me out of my reverie by holding up a bag of chips, "Or this kind?"

Classic versus sour cream and onion. "Tough choice. I don't care. I like both."

"Alrighty. Both it is." She winks and throws both huge bags into her already growing collection.

Her humor and good mood is infectious and I put my worries on the back burner to give her my full attention. Why not have some fun?

She's wrinkling her nose at some decision. How cute. "Are you a salty or sweet kinda guy?"

"Normally salty." I suddenly reach out to pull her close. She's flush against my body. "But I could go for something sweet right now." Couldn't pass up the opportunity to flirt.

I bend down and kiss her. I wrap my arms around her and her free hand is resting against my chest. She gives a little sigh and she bunches the cotton of my tee shirt in her fist as I lick her bottom lip to get her to open up. And she does.

I pull back and rest my chin on the top of her head. She's tucked her face into my throat. She's breathing deeply and I find that I'm mirroring her actions.

"So your mom and Luke are gone for the evening?" Suddenly I have the strongest urge to be with her in the privacy of her empty house.

She nods, not meeting my eyes.

I chuckle. "So you about done here?" I half expect her to say something about my urgency, but she doesn't.

Her voice is shaky. "Um, yeah. Just one more thing." She's backed away from me, but reaches behind to lace our fingers together.

It makes me smile. But she doesn't see. I watch how small her fingers look compared to mine. She has incredibly pale skin, and her fingers look washed out compared to my more olive complexion.

I've hardly been paying attention and I would have ran right into her had I not heard her surprised voice.

"Dean."

"Hey Rory."

I look up to see this guy address her, but he's staring at me instead. She lets go of my hand and starts to wave it between this guy and me. "Oh, right. Jess, this is Dean. Dean, Jess."

"Hey."

I nod my head in response to his half-hearted greeting. Boy, is this guy transparent. I get it; you don't like seeing me with Rory. I'd bet my life on the fact that he's her ex.

"So, you're back in town for Thanksgiving."

"Yeah." Her eyes dart around as if looking for a way out.

"Nothing's really changed since you left for college; well, of course since this is Stars Hallow."

"Right, right." She catches my eye as she glances towards me. "Listen, it was nice to run into you, Dean. I'd love to stay and chat, but we've gotta run."

He looks disappointed. "Oh, okay. Maybe we can grab some coffee before you leave; you know, catch up on stuff."

She doesn't respond; she just smiles.

The guy walks away with his shoulders hunched over.

I bump her shoulder gently. "So, you wanna tell me about him?"

"No." She gives me a sad puppy face and I know she's not serious.

"Oh, come on. You can't do that. That's not fair."

"What are you going to do about it, huh?" Playful girl.

I kiss her to wipe away that face of hers. That's a lethal weapon when used in the wrong way. I pull back abruptly and she stumbles into me at the disconnection.

"How about that?" I can't but smirk.

"Now that's not fair." She reaches up to touch her lips and my smirk grows wider just watching her.

I don't ask again about the ex. She doesn't say anything about it either, and I'm not one to pry. We can have that conversation some other day when we also have to dig into my past girlfriends. I'm in no hurry to bring forth from the grave all the dead relationships either of us has had.

The walk back to her house is entirely uneventful. It's not even filled with conversation. We're just walking in silence side by side. It's a short trip and before I even noticed, I see her rummaging through her pocket for her key. She holds the door open for me and shuts it behind us.

"Where should I put this?"

She gestures. "The coffee table. None of that is going to survive the night anyways." She smiles.

Somehow I don't think I'll survive if I consume even half of it. I hear her ordering a large pizza over the phone, and she quickly finishes the conversation and re-enters the living room.

"Okay, pizza's going to be here in about twenty-five minutes." Her voice is a bit higher pitched than normal; sounds shaky but I ignore it. Chalk it up to just jitters.

I'm sitting down on the couch with one arm against the back of it. I jerk my head in my direction and flash her a smirk.

She sits down next to me. "Hi."

"Hey." I pull her closer with my right arm. "Come' ere."

She doesn't move fluidly. She's jerky in her motions to come closer. Her shoulders are stiff and I'm wondering if I did something wrong. I wrinkle my forehead. "Something wrong?"

"No, no." She's smiling wide. Big ass fake smile. "Why do you ask? Why do you think that?" Her words come out in a flurry.

I fire back quickly. "Probably because you tightened up the moment I touched your shoulder." I recoil and my voice sounds gentler. Be considerate. "Was that not okay?"

Her shoulders immediately slump and she's sitting hunched over the edge of the couch. She scrutinizes her shoes. "No, it was okay." She's looking up at me. Her sigh comes out explosively. Suddenly she's frustrated. "It was more than okay. It was great. It's just…it's just…"

"Just what?" I want to reach out to calm her, but I don't think that would be a good idea.

"I'm just really nervous, alright?" She's raised her voice an entire octave. "I mean, I just don't know what to do." Her hands are flying about. "I don't know what to do in this situation. I mean, what was I thinking asking you to come over when I knew that no one would be around?" I think she's progressed into just asking herself questions. She's barely talking to me. "Stupid Rory."

"Hey, hey." I finally reach out a tentative hand to her arm. "What brought this on? I thought I was the one who was freaking out, not you."

"I'm sorry." She really does look sorry. "I just don't quite know how to handle all of this. I mean with Dean, it was safe. It was mundane. But just a couple of days with you, and it's like…dangerous…and, and, and…explosive and perilous." She stutters when she's nervous. I tuck that into my memories; add it to the long list of other things she does when she's flustered.

If the situation were any lighter I would have made some comment on those synonyms she just gave me.

"I mean," her voice is barely above a whisper, "I don't think I can help myself around you." She's not looking at me, but I can see that her face is bright red. God, that's so damn cute.

I want to laugh out loud at this situation. She's sometime so naïve that it scares me. I'd hate to be the one to open Pandora's box for her. I'd hate to be the one who has to tell her of all the world's disappointments and letdowns. I'd hate to be the one who has a great possibility of breaking her heart.

"Jess?" She looks up. She's expecting some sort of answer.

"I'm here." I slide over so that our knees are touching at an angle. Our sitting bodies make a 'V' shape. "I'm nervous too." I bump her knee. "I really am."

She bumps back. "Okay." She tries out a smile. She's barely able to tug up the corner of her lips. "Sorry I sounded so crazy."

"Nah. Nothing to be sorry about." I take her hands. "Just let me know if it seems like we're moving too fast, so we can avoid that in the future." I stick out my pinky finger. "Deal?"

She giggles and extends her pinky as well. "Deal." She shakes our hands.

I let go to reach up to tuck a lock of hair that's fallen into her face.

She stops my hand from retracting by laying her own over mine. "You were freaking out earlier?"

I've almost forgotten that I've let that slip out in the spur of the moment. "Kinda."

"Why?" There are no insinuations in her voice. Just plain curiosity.

I smile. And to my surprise it's genuine. With her small hands held in mine I look into her eyes and decide to tell her the truth now. She can decide if she still wants me when I tell her that I'm lousy at relationships. Maybe Pandora wouldn't have opened the box had she'd known explicitly how damaging the insides would become. "Rory, I'm no good at this." My thumb is rubbing the back of one of her hands. "I'm not good at relationships. I've never been in a long-term relationship. I'm just not good at them. And that never used to bother me because I never found someone I wanted to be with for more than a couple of months. But…" I've let go of her hands to run one of them through my hair. I don't even have the balls to look at her face anymore. "But now that I've met you I see what I've been missing. I'm just afraid that I don't know how to make it work. It doesn't seem like it matters that I want to make it work, I just don't know where to begin. I'm sorry."

I still can't look at her. Surprisingly enough, she pushes her forehead against mine and gives me a sweet smile.

"I'm glad that you don't feel like you have it all together; 'cause I sure as hell don't." She gives me a quick kiss. But she doesn't pull away. "Let's add a second part to our deal. An amendment. We'll both figure this out together. Okay?"

"Okay." She's made me feel better. I'm not sure if she really meant all of that, but it comforts me knowing at least she understands the surface. I lick my lips. "Is it alright if I kiss you right now?"

She giggles in a wonderfully childish way. "Yeah."

It's short and sweet, brimming full with the promises that we made to each other of truth and honesty. Who knows if either of us can keep them, but it's nice to pretend that we don't have a care in the world.

I like that about her. She makes me forget that the world is a crappy place. She makes me think of the possibilities, the future and the unknown. But she doesn't make me think of the unknown as a horizon where it drops off the edge of the world; she makes me think of it as this wonderful place that's full of colors I haven't seen, feelings I never knew existed, and experiences that are beyond words.

"I like you." I'm not embarrassed to say it. Though it does sound oddly reminiscent of the elementary love notes that are passed during class with a whisper to check the box yes or no to the age old question of 'do you like me?'

She's smiling so wide it's consuming her face. "I like you too." Check in the 'yes' box for me.

---

She's snuggled up against me. She's fast asleep. Eyes are closed tightly and she sighs every so often against my chest. I have one leg on the couch, the other hanging off bent at the knee so that I can rest my foot on the ground. She's in between my leg and the edge of the couch. She looks comfortable. I certainly am. I can't stop running my fingers through her hair. Combing out the tangles that appeared when we made out on the couch during the movie. I think we're watching "You've Got Mail" or maybe it's "Sleepless in Seattle." I don't really care. I think we watched them both. The night has been a bit of a blur, and yet I can clearly pick out any memory of tonight. The empty pizza box is on the coffee table, it's companions of candy wrappers and soda cans sit happily next to the cardboard box that only has one cold slice of pepperoni in it. My eyes are so heavy. I just want to close them for a minute. The day has been draining. Good, but draining. My eyes seem to have a will of their own. Between several simultaneous slow blinks and a long luxurious exhale I think about how perfectly she fits lying on top of me…

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**AN:** Enjoy? Tell me; it makes for a happy author…


	7. Close

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 7: Close

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN:** Still here. Ideas bubbling up. Yay for vacation. Happy Holidays.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

In between sleep and consciousness I hear a door close.

My back aches. My legs are heavy. I can't quite open my eyes, but I know something's sticking into my side. It feels like…an elbow?

I'm finally able to force open my eyes that seem so sticky. Reality comes flooding back onto me. She's still lying on top of me. One of her arms is wrapped around my torso and the other one grips my shirt and is digging her elbow into my ribcage. I look down at her face. Her eyes are shut tight. The fluttering behind her eyelids is apparent and I know that she's dreaming; or at least in the rapid eye movement cycle of sleep. What do they call it? REM? Something like that.

I shift gently so I can balance out some of the weight on my body. We've been lying here too long and it's taking its toil on the fact that most of her weight is resting on my chest and I need to take a deep breath. God, how long have we been sleeping?

Sleeping! Shit, I've spent the night right on her couch. My head darts from side to side trying to gauge just what time it is. Damn it; she drew the curtains shut last night to reduce glare from the TV screen and I can't judge the sunlight. What if her mom saw us? I'm about to wake her up when I notice that I can't wrinkle my forehead without an odd feeling. Bringing my hand up to my face, I feel that something is attached. High on my forehead, almost to the hairline is a post-it note. Bright. Yellow. Cheery. And my stomach sinks.

_Well hello! Fancy finding you asleep on my couch. With my daughter. Alone. Can't wait for this conversation. Lukes' for lunch. Be there…or be square. –Lorelai Gilmore. (Victoria, not Leigh)._

I don't know what to make of the note. I can't figure out if she's furious or just curious. She scrawled a lopsided happy face. Not quite happy, but like one of the weird looking smilies that no one ever knows what they mean when they use them in email.

I'd examine the note more, but she's stirring in her sleep. She lifts her head up from my chest to meet me dead on the eyes.

I can't help but laugh. She has a post-it note on her forehead as well. It only says: _Read his forehead. _

"Huh? What the hell?" So articulate. I'm guessing she's not a morning person. Her whole face has contorted into one of confusion.

I help her out by taking the note off her forehead and hand it to her. "Here."

She's shifted her weight and now she's resting her arms on the top of my chest holding the note in front of her eyes. She's trying to catch some light to read it. "What did your forehead say?"

I hand it to her.

She groans. "This sucks. I didn't want her to find out like this."

"You didn't want her to find out this way, or you didn't want her to find out period?" Even though it's early the feeling of annoyance came really easily.

She pulls back slightly. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, are you embarrassed to be caught with me?"

"Jess!" She's scolding me like I'm a child. "I never said that." She sighs. "I just wanted to tell my mom in person. Over a gallon of ice cream and a full pot of coffee." She gets this look in her eyes. "And before you even think it; not because I'm embarrassed, but because I wanted to do our typical girl talk ceremony with her. Like we do whenever there's a new boy."

I feel foolish. I'd been so worried about being caught that my mind just defaulted to the worst-case scenario. "Sorry."

She rolls her eyes in jest. "Boys." But I know she isn't mad. "Hey, shouldn't I be the one who asks you if you are embarrassed to be caught with me?"

The seriousness of her statement throws me off guard. It also doesn't help that she's still basically lying on top of me. "Huh?" Oh so lyrical of me.

"You were the one who was battling some deep dark issue when we first met. I mean, you even ditched me in the cafeteria 'cause you got spooked."

"Was I that obvious?"

"Yes you were. And you just avoided my question."

I shift her off my body. Not roughly, just causally so I can sit up a bit. I lean back against the arm of the couch and she's gently easing her weight off of me. My legs are still entangled somewhere with hers but she's backed off a bit to give me space to answer. My hands find her waist and I toy with the edge of her shirt. It's soft. "I've been thinking a lot. Ever since the other night on that bench."

"Yeah?" Her tone is gentle. Like she doesn't want to scare me off.

My eyes dart to the door just adjacent in my line of sight. How easy would it be for me to just run off and avoid all of this? "And, I think that it's stupid of me to worry so much about it, right?" I feel my eyebrows hop up on my forehead waiting for her response.

"I think it can be silly. But if it's that important to you…" She's offering me a way out.

"It is important to me." A beat. "I mean, you're important to me."

She giggles. "I wasn't fishing for a compliment. I had meant, if it was important for you to feel," she's gesturing with her hands, "whatever it is you're feeling, then it isn't stupid."

I smirk. "I knew what you meant." I drop the look. "But I was thinking that you won't be my student after the semester ends. That's only like a month or so away. And when the semester's over, we won't be doing anything wrong. There's no rule saying that students can't date, right? Well, there's an unspoken rule about not dating your student when you're a TA but I won't be after the class ends for you."

"So what are you saying?" She's biting her lip. I hope it's in anticipation.

"I'm saying that we have to play it cool for the next month and then we won't have to hide anymore."

"Play it cool?" Somewhere in the back of my mind I can't believe I just used that phrase. I have a nagging feeling she's being nice and not mocking me.

"Like it probably wouldn't be a good idea to have our first date at the school cafeteria." I joke.

She's silent. She looks deep in thought. "I'm not a big fan of sneaking around." I want to ask if she's speaking from experience or not.

"What are you saying?"

"Nothing, just I'm not a fan."

"Well, that's saying something." I'm looking at her. "Are you saying that you want to essentially put us on pause until the semester ends?"

She grimaces. "Not exactly. But that would be safer than trying to sneak around seeing each other, don't you think?" She breaks eye contact.

I'm confused. "If you don't want to stop seeing each other, and you don't want to sneak around as you so put it, then how do you think we're going to do all of this?" I'm trying my best not to sound hostile. Though I'm sure she can pick up on my annoyed tone.

Her tone doesn't match mine. It's like she won't stoop to my level. She's basically whispering. It almost sounds like she's whispering in shame. "I'm sorry. I guess I do want a pause." She used finger quotes on the word pause. I hate those. I've always had.

I chuckle. But it's dry and definitely not in humor. "Why do I get the feeling that you're breaking up with me before anything's happened?"

I've just noticed that she's tucked her legs underneath her. When had she moved? "That's just it, Jess. Don't you understand? It's not that nothing's happened. I feel like these last couples of days with you have been more intense than any other relationship I've been in. Not that I have a huge encyclopedia's worth of knowledge, but it just feels like a lot." She bows her head. Her chin almost touches her chest. "I just think this month is a good time to take a step back and evaluate everything. You need to not be caught, and we'll both have finals coming up. I need to do well on them. I have a scholarship to maintain because otherwise I'll be in serious debt before I turn twenty-two. I'm talking like, Bill Gates kinda money." She's taking a breath. "I'm just saying that we should take some time to think about this. And it'll be good for us to use this time. It'll just be harder to sneak around anyways. Then, if we still feel the same at the end of the semester, we can pick things up again."

My eyes have glazed over listening to her speech. "If?"

"What?"

"You said 'if'. If we feel the same way about each other."

She tucks her hair behind her ear. "Well, you never know…" She trails off into nothing.

I'm not looking at her. Not at all. "You didn't strike me as the fickle type when I met you."

"I'm not." She sounds defensive. "How do I know you'll still be interested in me in a month? How do I know it wasn't just the thrill of getting caught that interested you?"

Damn, that hurt. Like a dry knife to the bone. I can feel my wall going right back up. Forget this. I don't need this. "If you think about me like that, then you don't know me at all." I get up off the couch. I've effectively thrown her off balance while doing it. "And you're not the girl I thought you were." I bend down to pick up my shoes and my sweatshirt that got discarded on the floor last night. Less than twenty-four hours ago I was happy. Ignorantly so.

"Jess, wait!" I hear her call as I round the foyer. I reach for the doorknob as I feel her grab my shoulder. "I said wait." Her voice has a slight shake to it.

I spin around. I've scared her. I see it as she backs up. "What happened to last night? When I made that promise? Hell, what happened when you made that promise? Do you remember it Rory? That even though we were scared about this, we would figure it out together. Sorry if I actually thought you were telling the truth. And I'm sorry I was such an ass that I believed you." I don't wait for her reply. I open the door and step through. I slam the door. With force.

"Jess!"

I turn around once more. "Tell Lorelai sorry about skipping lunch. But I'm sure she'd understand since we don't have anything to tell her about us."

She's stepped out as well. Goosebumps appear suddenly as the cool air hits her. God, I want to reach out and touch her. Warm her up. But I can't. And I won't. "I hadn't meant…"

"What? To forget? To belittle me?"

She scrunches up her face in sadness. "To hurt you." She's wringing her hands together. "I thought it would be easier. I had," she shrugs once, "the best intentions."

"Yeah well, you did hurt me." I suddenly want to inflict as much pain on her as she just did on me. "And I'm sure you know the saying." My voice is bitter. I think it's worse than the biting wind.

I've achieved my goal. She's hurt. "I have a feeling that it has something to do with good intentions and the way they pave the road to hell." She hangs her head.

"Bingo." I click my tongue.

"Jess, please don't leave like this." She's pleading me, but I can't give in. I can't forget that she's hurt me.

"Don't use that tone with me Rory. Don't patronize me."

She thumps her foot like a child who hasn't gotten her way. "Damn it Jess! I'm not patronizing you!"

I feel better that she's fighting back. I need to get away. "Don't worry. I'm good at forgetting too."

A little voice inside screams, 'liar, liar!' and I struggle to keep it at bay. I don't fall for anyone. I never have. But I've been told that when I do, I'll fall hard. Grandpa once told me that. Said it was the curse of the Mariano men. Fuck the curse.

My brisk walk away from her house has turned to a jog. Now, it's a flat out race to my car. I need to get away. I don't belong here. I need some sense of normalcy in the moment. My car's friendly car alarm beep sounds like heaven's chimes to my ears. I rip open the door to climb in.

---

My couch is freezing. I shift to quickly whip my hood of my sweatshirt over my head. A whimper from my side catches my attention. I scoot over. The couch dips as Adso jumps up to curl against my side. He licks my hand. Once. I don't move. Twice. I move my hand to the spot behind his ear to scratch. He sighs contently. I wish I could join him.

I turn my head to look at the growing pile of papers that are starting to multiply on my coffee table. Propping myself on my elbow I reach over to pick one stapled packet up and my red pen. B+. Good enough. I don't even want to read any of these. I flip to the next one. Shaking my head I toss it back on the coffee table. I'll do them later.

Adso's ears perk up and he jogs to the door, pawing at it constantly.

A knock on the door escalates his pawing to a small bark. I ease myself off the couch. "Hey, don't bark."

He bows his head and sits down on the doormat.

I don't even bother with checking who it is first.

I open the door to find her standing with her hands clasped in front of her. I sigh and don't say a word. She can talk if she wants. She's at my door.

She bites her lip. "Hi."

I return her greeting. "Hi." But I don't step aside for her to come in. I'm not sure what I want yet.

Her eyes peek behind my shoulder. "Do you mind if I come in?"

I want to tell her that I do mind, but I nod instead and shuffle to the right. I've given her enough room to pass, but not too much.

Adso instantly goes to sniff at her legs and she smiles and bends down to pet him. Suddenly, I don't like that she's doing that. I don't like that she's making herself comfortable here in my home. She's hurt me and I don't like watching her make friends with my dog.

Rudely, I take Adso's collar and usher him to the bedroom and close the door behind me. I look back and she's taken aback at my sudden movements.

"What are you doing here Rory?"

She opens her mouth to reply but I cut her off instead.

"How the hell did you find out where I lived in the first place?"

She's wrinkling her forehead. It looks like I've almost pushed her to tears with my tone and I suddenly feel extremely bad. "I'm sorry. I asked Luke. I just made up some excuse about wanting to see what an off campus apartment looked like and he gave me your address. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have came." She's turning to leave.

"Wait." I sigh. Breathe deeply. "Don't go." I sit down on the couch but I don't offer her to do the same. "You obviously came for a reason. Stay."

A part of me wants her to tell me that she's sorry and that she wants to be together, and the other part of me doesn't know if I can accept.

"How have you been this last week?" Nice try Rory. I'm not in the mood to play small talk with you. Cut to the chase.

"You didn't come to ask me that."

She whispers loud enough for me to hear. "Wow." She scratches her arm underneath her sweater. "I um…" She sits down without an invitation. She's on the other side of the couch. "I wanted to clarify what I said the last time we saw each other." She crosses her legs and uncrosses them again.

It makes me feel a lot better knowing that she's nervous. "What?"

"I mean, I don't think I explained what I wanted clearly. I think that's why we got into a misunderstanding."

"You don't have to make it so damn politically correct. I think you made it pretty clear you didn't want to be with me."

She suddenly becomes loud. "Stop saying that."

I look up to see her determination.

She drops her voice back down. "I never said that. Not once in our conversation did those words ever come out of my mouth. I simply said it would be easier for us to take a step back and think about it since we'll have to wait until the end of the semester anyways."

"And then you went on saying that I was only interested in you because of the thrill of getting caught." I'm bitter. "Isn't that right Rory?"

She rubs her forehead. "I hadn't meant for that to come out. I was out of line."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry about that. I really am. But please understand that I really hadn't meant to hurt you or anything. I just don't want you to feel obligated to be with me when the semester ends because we had that weekend of Thanksgiving together. Believe me, I've done that before and it sucks to feel like you're obligated to someone, out of responsibility or pity or something like that."

My tone finally softens. "Is that why you said you wanted a pause?" I scoot over closer to her. Finally I understand. "You didn't want me to feel like I needed to be with you?"

She stares at her lap. She nods. "I just want you to want to be with me. I don't want to force you because of some promise." She sniffles.

I'm close enough to her that our legs can touch. "Why didn't you just say that?" I bump her knee gently. "It would have made things easier."

"I don't know." She picks at her cuticles. "The words didn't come." She finally looks up at me. "I honestly didn't mean to hurt you. Really."

I forgive her. "Okay."

"I'm actually really good with promises. Keeping them, I mean." She smiles tentatively.

I give her the smile in return that I know she's seeking. I feel like I shouldn't say anything to ruin the moment, but I do. "Now that we cleared up what we meant. What do you want to do about all this?" My voice is calm and collected. I just want to know.

"We'll…" She giggles, "play it cool."

I smirk. "You remembered?"

She shrugs one shoulder. So dainty. "Well, I would have said something at the moment but then the landslide occurred in our conversation."

I nod. "Yeah, I know."

She breaks the moment and I'm glad. She looks around. "So this is where you live?"

"Yeah, I know it's like a shoebox."

"I think it's cozy." Her head turns sharply as she catches the sound of whimpering and frantic digging of the door.

"Sorry." I get up to let Adso back in. He hates to be locked in a room.

"Oh hello." Her voice becomes all childish and higher than normal. Normally I find it annoying, but right now I don't.

I roll my eyes as I see Adso lay his head in her lap. He loves attention.

"You're cute." She continues to talk to him. "I've always wanted a dog."

"You've never had a dog?" I sit back down.

She doesn't look at me. Apparently Adso is more interesting. "Nah, we never had enough room. And plus it's expensive to raise a dog."

I don't answer. I just watch her play with him. I see her casually glance at her watch. She looks surprised.

"Oh no, it's getting late."

"It's five in the afternoon. Are you late for an early bird dinner?"

She laughs. "No, I meant I'm late for this study session. You know, finals and all."

"Yeah. I do. I haven't even started grading those papers yet."

She starts to get up. "Well, I need to get going." She appears nervous out of the blue. "So I guess I'll just see you around?"

I look down first. Then back up to answer. "Yeah, I guess so."

She heads for the door but turns back around. "We; I mean, everything's okay, right?"

"Yeah." I nod.

"Good." She has a broad smile on her face. "So, see ya."

I'm amused that she's so nervous. "Yup."

"Um, I don't know how this works into us 'playing it cool' or anything, but I don't even have your number."

"Oh, right. Here." I rip off part the corner of the envelope that had my Visa bill and scribbled down my number.

She laughs at me. "Very resourceful." She slips the scrap of paper into the front jean pocket.

My eyes follow. "Um, that was my cell phone. That's the best way to reach me anyways." I run my hand through my hair. I'm feeling a bit nervous too. Wonder why?

"Any more corners to rip off? You know, for my number?"

I glance down. Actually, there's not. I'd taken down a message this morning. "Just…" I hand her the pen. And I stick out my hand, "write it here."

"What happens if you wash your hands? I don't want you loosing this." She playfully flirts. I could practically see her batting her eyes.

I smirk. "Well, then." I roll up my sleeve. "Just for safekeeping."

"Okay." Her handwriting is loopy. Kind of like a child's. It's very fitting. She finishes and I examine her handiwork on my forearm.

She backs up. "I'll see you."

"Tomorrow." I nod.

"Right tomorrow. Class. Can't believe that the vacation went by so fast."

I smile. "I had fun over the weekend." I don't add 'up until that fight of ours' but I'm sure it's implied into the statement.

"Yeah, me too." She adds a blush to her smile. "Okay, bye." She surprises me by reaching up and laying her hand on my shoulder as she stretches to give me a kiss on the cheek. Chaste but sweet.

The door closes softly behind her.

---

Today was long. Exhausting and long. I'm counting the days until the last day of finals. And not just because of Rory, but also because this semester has been so damn long. Teaching and taking my own classes at the same time has certainly taken its toll on my brain. I've barely had a time to sleep, let alone get out and have some sort of life. I'll be really glad when I get that month long vacation.

I shoulder my bag and walk the first flight of stairs up to my apartment. Smiling softly I think about how Rory had left earlier. God, she was cute. After we made up that is. She can have a temper under that shy exterior. I liked it; thought it was even more endearing.

I'm just at about the top of the landing while I think that I'll order out from that Japanese place a couple of blocks away. I like that they deliver. There's no way I want to barrel through the snow and wind tonight. Mental note: pay electric bill. But transfer money first; heating bill was through the roof last month.

Right turn. Home at the end on the left. Reaching into my pocket I finger my house key and turn it around in my jeans to be ready to unlock the apartment. I can practically taste my take out and feel the warmth of the heater and my duvet cover on me. Cannot wait.

Looking up I see someone huddled against my door. I squint and I notice that it's her. She has her head down and her forehead is resting on her drawn up knees. Arms are hugging around herself and I briefly wonder how cold she must be sitting there in the drafty hallway.

Getting close enough to whisper, "hey." I don't want to scare her.

Slowly she lifts her head up and I can see that her face is streaked with dry tears. They've dried out and they mark their pathway down her face. Fresh tears gather in the corner of her insanely large saucer eyes and I squat down. "Jess?"

I don't even want to bother with lame excuses. "Come 'ere." I don't need to hear her embarrassed remarks about showing up at my apartment like this. I just want to get her into my house and warmed up. I've become so soft. The phrase 'blame it on the girl' floats in the back of my mind.

She's holding her arms out like a kid and I hug her. Very awkward position because we're now both crouched down. I slowly stand up and I take her with me in doing so. She's holding on tight. I stand here in the hall for a second. Slowly, very slowly, I pull out my key that I had ready just a couple of moments ago and unlock it.

No questions asked. Not yet.

With her still in my arms crying into my shoulder, I walk us both through the threshold. And I use my foot to kick the door close with a small swish.

**AN:** Let me know that you're still reading this. Write to me. The best part about upgrades to FFN is that I can respond to reviews. Just sign in and if you have questions/comments/reactions, I'll finally be able to respond to them just as easily as you write them.


	8. Sentiment

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 8: Sentiment

Author: Knowhere

Rating: Pg-13

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN:** Okay, here it is chapter 8. I must say that it came out faster than I thought. I hit a bit of a roadblock right after I had posted the last chapter and I wasn't quite sure of the direction I wanted this chapter to take. But fortunately I overcame it and wrote the bulk in just a couple days. So, enjoy.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

I get as far as the couch and I sit down with her still buried in my arms.

"Rory?"

I hear a sniffle and I assume that's a reply.

"Hey, you." I speak gently as if talking to a spooked horse. I can't see her face because she's still buried somewhere between my shoulders and my chest. I'm starting to get nervous. She hasn't acknowledged me since she held out her arms and I hugged her out in the hall. She had barely noticed me then.

I shift the both of us on the couch and she's landed in my lap. I pull her legs over mine and duck down to try to get a glimpse of her face. "Rory, Rory? Please say something. Please tell me that you're okay." God what a stupid question. Oh course she's not okay. "I mean, physically. Are you hurt? Do we need to go to the emergency room?" Please tell me she's not hurt. I couldn't handle it. I wouldn't even know where to begin. Why hasn't she said anything? "Rory, please just answer me." I tuck the hair out of her tearstained face. I look expectantly at her.

She shakes her head. I have my answer. But her face is blank. Her eyes are a clear blue that looks glassy due to the tears. But her eyes and face is puffy and she hasn't blinked since she's looked up at me. She shivers and I watch her wrap her arms around herself.

I get up but she's clinging to my hand. Fingers intertwined. Utterly intimate and yet there's no heat. A heat that should radiate from her to me and then back again. Something to show the physical reaction of being close. But there is none. Nothing but the fear as she looks dead in my eyes asking me silently where I'm going.

I bend down half way and lean in. "I'm going to get you a sweatshirt. I'll be right back." I assumed that she would let go with my assurance, but she doesn't. Instead she stands up and comes with me.

The tinkering of nails on wood signals that Adso has also followed. Not uttering a sound he climbs up on the bed and curls up on his normal side of the bed. He doesn't even pay attention to us.

I start to talk in order to break the silence. I try to lighten the mood; to get her mind off of whatever is plaguing her every movement. "So, this is my room. Sorry about the mess."

She doesn't respond. She just looks around, eyeing some of the clothes that I've thrown over a chair. I watch her eyes run over my bed, my dresser, and my nightstand. No reaction.

I grab a dark grey zip-up hoodie off the hanger and hand it to her. She silently takes it from my hands and slips it on. She looks utterly small in my sweatshirt. Lost among the excess space. So lost.

I step forward and gently reach out for her body. I hug her. Simple. Sweet. She sighs into my right shoulder and her arms come around my torso. And she clings. Tight.

I respond my holding her tighter as well. My left hand comes up to smooth down her hair and the right one stays sturdy at her waist, circling around. "Jess?" She's whispering, but it booms in my ear. This is the first she's spoken since we've come inside.

"Yes?"

"I'm tired. Can I lay down for a while?" Her voice is hoarse.

"Sure." I break away from our hug and turn towards the bed to pull the covers back a bit. Just enough for her to slip in.

She straightens the pillow a bit and I find it suddenly odd. She's seemed to snap back into reality and yet she doesn't seem to have come back fully. Watching her smooth out the wrinkles in my pillowcase would have put a smirk on my face under normal conditions.

She climbs into my bed like a kid. Hands and knees. Only difference is that she hasn't let go of my hand. She doesn't bother to look embarrassed or even glance back at me as she tugs on my hand. She's fully in now and she turns on her side and she ultimately drags me into bed with her. Still with my hand in hers she uses my arm to cover her exposed side and I scoot closer to her to get comfortable.

And that is how my day ends. I've climbed into bed without dinner, without a shower, and without answers. I'm just lying in my bed at five o'clock in the afternoon with my dog on the edge of the bed and a girl sandwiched between us.

She's broken. And I don't know how to fix it.

---

It's dark. I have no idea how long I've been sleeping, but my internal clock tells me it's not morning yet. My arms are still tight around her and I gently lean up on my elbow to look at her. Surprisingly enough she's wide-awake and my eyes have accustomed to the dark to notice that she has sensed my movement and is tracking me with her eyes.

I offer her a small smile. "I thought you would be asleep."

"Nope."

"How long have you just been lying here?"

She shrugs as best she can with half my body draped on top of her. "Dunno. Hours maybe."

I tilt my head. "Hours?" I can't help but ask.

"I just felt…" She breaks off. "It just felt nice." Her eyes dart around. "You know, thinking. In the dark. With you next to me."

I try to gently prod the issue. "Thinking about what?"

She sighs. And rolls away. She's no longer touching me.

I'm suddenly afraid that I've pushed too much too soon. But she just rolls on her side to face me. I lay back down to look at her fully. We're so close, but not touching. I try again, "thinking about…" I leave it for her to fill in the blank.

"My dad."

I suddenly realize that I hadn't seen her father at Thanksgiving. I must have been so nervous that I didn't notice it was just her mom and Luke. "Your dad?"

"Yeah." She takes her index finger and draws random shapes into my bedspread. "He was never around. Wasn't ready to be a father when I was born. I don't think he was even at the hospital when I was born."

What else can I do but listen?

"He tried once or twice when I was growing up to connect with me. Never really worked out."

I reach out and take her hand that was drawing and enclose it into mine. She laces our fingers together. I give her hand a small squeeze for her to continue.

"He always said that he was trying to get his act together and that one day he would make it up to me. All those birthdays and holidays without him there. I thought that one day he would come back because it wasn't about me. It wasn't my fault that he couldn't stay. He convinced me; and I also convinced myself that if I waited long enough, patiently enough, then he would come back for us. And the three of us would be a real family."

Tears have begun to fall. I brush them off her face with my thumb.

She continued. "And then a couple of months ago he calls to tell me he was living with his girlfriend. And that she was pregnant. With his baby. And that they were getting married." She laughs without any humor. "He called me to invite me to the wedding. Damn wedding. Told me that his girlfriend wanted me to be her maid of honor. Bitch."

I finally move to pull her close to me. She snuggles into my body and she slips a leg in between mine.

"He broke his promise. He wasn't going to ever come back to us. To me. It really was because of me. I was a mistake that he made when he was a kid and now he was going to erase me and start fresh. He lied to me. And I believed his lie. I even lied to myself all those years."

I break my silence. "I thought you liked Luke. I mean, he is dating your mom and you didn't seem to mind."

She pulls back and looks guilty. "No, don't get me wrong, I love Luke. I love him more than I love my father. I mean, Luke is my dad is so many more ways than my real father can ever be to me. But…"

"But what?"

"But, since all of this…it really means that my dad didn't want me. He didn't want to be my father."

"Rory, that's not true."

She lies back down. "I know it sounds irrational. I mean, I don't think I would be as happy with my father as I am with Luke, but he chose another family. He chose someone else. He wanted to be someone else's father and not mine. He didn't even think about his promise to me. He didn't even ask or try to see how I would feel about all of this." She mumbles the last part.

I bite my lip. Nothing I can say will make her feel better. So I stay silent. And I do the only think I can. I listen and hold her. I wish I could tell her I understand. But I don't. My parents aren't the Cleavers but I've never felt that they didn't want me. No matter how much my Mom bugs me or however long Dad used to leave on his business trips, I never felt that somewhere down deep in their hearts that they didn't love me or that they didn't want me because they felt I was a mistake.

She interrupts my reverie. "My dad's an asshole."

"I'm sorry."

Suddenly she breaks out into a sob. Fresh tears stream down her face and she clutches my shirt tight in her fists. "My dad's an asshole who's in the hospital."

"Rory?" I'm getting a glimpse of her pain but I'm still in confusion.

She doesn't bother to wipe away her tears. "Bastard hit a patch of ice while driving and got himself wrapped around a telephone pole."

"Have you seen him?"

"No." She closes her eyes. "Mom called to tell me." She comes closer to me. Tucks her head into my shoulder. She breathes out.

Minutes have passed and I think she's fallen asleep. I kiss her shoulder.

"Jess?" Her voice comes out in a whisper.

"Yes?"

"My dad is in the hospital in a coma." She sighs.

I feel tears soaking my shirt.

"I never got to tell him that I'm angry for leaving me, but that it's okay because I'm happy with my family now. After all these years. I'm finally okay with the fact that he won't be the father I always dreamed he would be to me. I never got to tell him that I'm okay with it because I've found someone else to take his place. I've found someone to tell me that I'm not a mistake and that I'm loved for me. I've found that in Luke and I never got the chance to tell my dad that I still love him because he will always be my father, but the dad in my life would be someone else."

She's finally told me the root of her misery. And I was surprised to hear her say the last couple of sentences with a clear and calm voice. I try to stay positive for her sake. "You can still tell him."

This time she really doesn't answer me. I don't know whether or not she really heard me, but from the sound of her breathing, I know that she's finally fallen asleep.

---

I roll over and find the bed warm. Empty but warm. I can tell it has only been recently vacated. Taking a peek out of my window I see the soft sunlight filtering in through the slightly frosty chill of a late winter's morning. Standing up I stretch my arms and shake out my legs to find that I've been sleeping in my jeans and shirt from yesterday. Both have become incredibly wrinkled and I quickly strip off both to pull on a pair of striped pajama pants lying on the back of my chair and a plain grey tee shirt.

Opening my door the small creak is responsible for Adso lifting up his head to look at me. He tilts his head and I walk over and offer him a scratch behind his left ear.

I see her perched on my kitchen counter, sitting crossed legged next to my coffee maker which has come to life and is percolating coffee into the glass pot. She has my latest copy of Rolling Stone and Blender in her lap and she also looks up at me. She smiles and I relax seeing that she has calmed down a bit.

I'm approaching the counter and I stand right in front of her spot on my counter. "Morning." I lean in and kiss her on the cheek.

"Hi." She looks a lot better than yesterday. Her eyes aren't dull; they're brighter than they were, and although they aren't as bright as I've seen them before, it's definitely a step up.

I brace my weight on my palms as I lean in between her bent knees. "You feeling better?"

She looks down. "Yes, thank you." She leans forward towards me and rests her forehead on my sternum.

"Good." I put my chin on her head. "You had me worried." She smells like an odd combination of citrus, dryer sheets, and my crisp cologne.

"Sorry." She's pulling back, but she's still apparently speaking to my chest.

I tilt up her chin with my finger. "Hey." I duck down to get a better look at her. "It's alright. I just didn't quite know what to do."

She smiles and I can tell it's genuine. "Thanks a lot for last night. I just needed to be with…" She trails off and looks down at my magazines, embarrassed.

I'm flattered and I lean in for a proper kiss on her lips. For what I intended to be a short and sweet kiss to thank her for her proclamation, turns out to be more passionate than I had expected. I move my hands to find her waist and her crossed legs now are dangling off the side of the counter to make more room for me to move closer. I feel her feet curling around the backs of my knees. She hasn't quite wrapped her legs around my waist, but I ironically find it more endearing. I suddenly notice that she's kissing my neck and her hands are moving down to the hem of my tee shirt. Quicker than I expected she's pulled off my shirt and her hands are all over me. I pull back and I think I've surprised her by the sudden disconnection.

"Hey, hey. What's going on?"

She looks confused. "Um, we were kissing. And then you stopped and asked me what's going on."

I roll my eyes at her sarcasm. "I thought we agreed to take things easy."

"Well, yeah. But…" She looks to her side at the open magazine.

"But what?"

She closes her eyes and sighs. Loudly. "You know, I didn't think you would turn down sex. Especially with me throwing myself on you." She's annoyed.

I chuckle. "Under different circumstances, I wouldn't have stopped you if a meteor hit this building."

Even though she's annoyed, she does give me a small laugh. "Then what is it?"

"Baby, I don't want our first time together to be the after event to what was a horrible day for you. When it does happen, I think that both of us want it to be a stand-alone memory. The main event." I lean in to brush my lips behind her ear. "I hope you're not upset." I lower my voice. "I just care too much about you to give you pity sex." I smirk. "Well, at least not the first time. After that you can use me in anyway you want."

She actually laughs out loud and I'm relieved to hear her. "Thank you, I think." Her tone is soft. "You're right. It would have been nice but I think afterwards I would have regretted the fact that the main drive behind it all was because I was upset about my dad."

I breathe in deeply. "Alright. Now that we've got that settled. If you would please hand me my shirt." I reach out with an open hand.

She pulls back. "You won't even just make out with me? I agreed with the no sex, but…" She smiles impishly.

I kiss her but pull back before she has the opportunity to deepen it. "Rory Gilmore, the things you do to me."

"Hey." She's giving me a mock look of exasperation.

I raise my eyebrows. "If you keep kissing me and with my shirt already off, it won't be long until that sweater of mine that you're wearing will be gone as well. And when that happens, all rational thought will just fly out of my mind."

"I think I'm oddly flattered." She kisses my cheek. "And rejected at the same time. And yet, you're so charming that I'm not offended at all."

I shrug. "Well, what can I say? It's the Mariano charm."

"Pig." She swats my forearm. She bites her lip to contain a secret smile.

"What?" Something's going on.

"Did you call me 'Baby' a couple minutes ago?"

"Ugh." I bury my face in my hands. "No?"

"Was that a statement or a question?" Her tone is teasing.

"I don't know." I move my hands. "Sorry, it slipped out. Was it too much?"

She takes my hands in hers and pulls me close. "No. It just caught me off guard hearing something rather intimate when I mostly hear you refer to me by my first name or by 'Miss. Gilmore' in class."

I laugh. My focus on her is disrupted as the coffee maker beeps twice to signal that it's done. I reach behind her to grab the only two mugs I have in my apartment. I offhandedly think that I'm glad I picked up a pair of the dull black mugs instead of picking up a single like I had originally planned. I pour her a mug full and hand it to her.

She smiles widely at me. "Yum. Thank you."

"You want cream or sugar?"

She looks horrified and uses her free hand to cover the top of her mug. "Shush, it'll hear you. You can't damage his perfect appearance."

I pour myself a cup but add in a teaspoon of sugar and an inch of half and half. I shake my head. "You're insane."

"You like it." Her swinging legs gently kick me without any real force.

I give her a quick peck on the lips. "Yep. No denying it." I turn around to take in a survey of my refrigerator. I pop open a container of my Chinese leftovers from the other night. I smell it and it still seems all right. Pulling it out and popping it into the microwave, I busy myself by taking out two forks from the drawer. "Rory?"

"Yes?" Her tone is bright.

I almost don't want to continue. "What are you planning to do about your dad?"

"What do you mean?" Her voice is no longer chipper.

"I mean are you planning on going to visit him?" I turn back around. "Cause I think you should." I'm hoping she doesn't take my last statement as a command or condescending.

"I…" She's biting her lower lip, "…think you're right."

The microwave dings and I pull out the paper container and I take the couple steps back over to the counter she's sitting on. I hand her one of the forks and she digs in with me. "I think it'll be good for you." I take a bite. "And good for him as well."

Her mouth is full of day old sesame chicken. "Jess? I know you've already done a lot, but do you think—"

I cut her off and reply. "I would be more than happy to go with you."

"Thank you." She looks a little embarrassed. "I've been saying that a lot to you this morning."

"You're still welcome." I take a bite.

We eat for a couple minutes in silence. It's comforting and my mind wanders to a future thought that we might be doing this more often and under better emotional conditions.

"Alright." She hops off the counter. "I might as well take a shower if we're going to go see him." She's taking a couple of steps away from the kitchen. "Sorry, I didn't even ask. Is it okay?"

"Yeah, go ahead. Use whatever you want." I smirk.

She wanders off but not before tossing me a smile that made me wish that I hadn't agreed to take things slow just so I could follow her into the shower.

---

I hold out my hand. "You ready?"

"Yeah, just one more thing." She grabs my travel mug off the counter that she took the liberty to fill up with coffee for herself.

"How long do you think it'll take?" I'm not a fan of traffic.

"Dunno. I've never really made this trip." She looks sad and guilty for saying that. "Is that a problem?"

I roll my eyes. She can be cautious about the littlest things. "No, of course not. I was just wondering how many cds we'll need."

"Oh." She looks embarrassed and a peachy pink hue rises on her cheeks.

I bend down to kiss her while one foot is holding the door open. "You're cute, you know that?"

"No."

I think she's kidding but she looks serious. I raise my eyebrows in question. "You're not serious are you?"

She shrugs like it's no big deal. "My last boyfriend wasn't too big into sentiments like that."

"Well, this boyfriend won't be like that so get used to it." I kiss her briefly again.

She smiles widely. "Did you just call yourself my boyfriend?"

"Did it have a nice sound to it?" I smirk.

"Definitely."

"Well, if it sounds good then we shouldn't mess with a good thing."

She shakes her head twice. "Nope." She reaches up on her toes to kiss me.

"Come on." I hold out my hand for hers.

She locks our fingers and steps through the threshold. I pull out my key and lock the door behind us. Shouldering the backpack I brought full of books, cds, and papers for me to grade, I use my other arm to wrap around her waist.

She takes a deep breath. "Okay, let's go then."

**An:** Favorite part? Tell me. I love reading all of your last reviews and being able to respond to them as well. Looking forward to doing it all over again!


	9. Affinity

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 9: Affinity

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me. But the big television originated characters do not.

**AN:** I know it's been a while, but give me time to think the story out and write it well. I don't like to be rushed; I like the finished product to be presentable and not some hurried strung together words. So, hence the long wait.

Please note the change in rating and I ask that readers plan accordingly. My apologies for the delay and also don't forget to **review** at the end.

And to my friend across the big blue, thanks for the emails, ideas, and help.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

I look over to her side. She's dosing lightly with her head against the passenger window. She pulled on her hood a while ago and just brought her legs up to her chest and gently drifted out of our conversation. I had tried my best to keep her thoughts away from the impending dread of having to face her father in such a horrible condition, but now in the silence I can be honest with myself. And to her sleeping form.

I have no clue what the hell I am doing. I've never celebrated an anniversary with a girlfriend, let alone been the one who someone relies on as a source of comfort. I haven't even taken this girl out on a proper date and I'm already driving her to visit her father in the hospital. What am I doing? Have I gone out of my mind?

She's stirring and I place my self-doubt and worries on the backburner. For now.

"Hi." Her voice is scratchy and she runs both hands over her face to rub out the sleep.

"Hey." Even in the midst of all this tension, I can't help but notice how cute she looks. Tousled and incoherent, she takes my breath away. Not that I would tell her right now. It's a bit too soon to be revealing such a mushy side of me.

She flips down the tiny mirror in the sunshade and makes a face at her reflection. I see her running a finger under each eye to wipe away makeup. I watch her out of the corner of my eye as she tries to smooth down her hair that has been disrupted in her hood during her nap. She grunts in frustration.

I turn to look at her in question.

She shoots me a look but only puts her hood back on in reaction. "Don't look."

"Don't look at what?" I reach over to turn down the music.

"Me." She's curled back into a ball.

I chuckle. "Is that a rule?"

"Never mind."

"What is it?" It clicks. But I'm not above joking with her to make light of the situation. "I think you're pretty."

Big eyes peek around her black hood to look at me. "You're mocking me." Her tone is light.

"Yes, but I still think it's true."

"I've never had a boyfriend who's seen me immediately after I've woken up."

"Huh." I don't know what to say.

"That came out wrong."

"It did?"

"Well," she's tracing a finger on the windowsill, "I mean…"

"Yeah?"

"I don't know. Can we just save this conversation for another time?"

I want to say no, but I don't want to push. "Sure."

Silence surrounds us and I reach over to turn up the music. I see her nodding her head to the sounds of my CD while she pushes the sleeves up on the sweatshirt. I keep my eyes on the road and I notice that the traffic is relatively light. Thank god. I hate having to sit in traffic. Driving a stick shift can get annoying. Why did I not opt for an automatic instead? Oh right, at that time I was still under the impression that guys needed to drive sticks. Boy, Freud would have a field day examining the finer details of my reasoning behind driving a stick.

"Are you close to your dad, Jess?"

Startled, I turn for a second to look at her. She's looking intensely at me and refuses to drop the gaze even after I return it. "Um, yeah I suppose so." She's raising an eyebrow for me to continue. I clear my throat. "I mean, he was gone quite often on business but he always made time for me when he got back. When I was young I was on a little league," I can sense that she has a comment for that but I cut her off, "which my mom put me in, oddly enough. But I was no good. I mean, I sucked and I hated it."

She laughs. "I can't picture you in any kind of organized sport."

"Oh there are pictures. But I snuck a book under my batting helmet and I would sit in the outfield reading as the other kids played." I chuckle at the memory. "Once, I wasn't paying attention and apparently people were yelling at me, but I was reading and a fly ball came my way."

Her eyes widen. "You were hit in the head by a baseball?"

"Well, yeah. But I had the helmet on at the time. I never took it off after I was up to bat and struck out by the way, but the helmet pretty much saved my life." I glance over at her. "I begged my mom not to make me play anymore but she said that every little boy needed to try out sports. It was actually my dad who came out one day and watched the game and let me decide about quitting. He was the one who didn't care if his son would rather read in his room than play with the other kids. Of course, he wasn't the exactly ideal parent figure too. When I filled water balloons to throw at the annoying next door neighbor, he was the one who showed me how to turn on the front yard hose."

I thought she would laugh, but she grew serious instead. "My dad never even came to any of my birthday parties."

"I'm," I stumble over my words, "I'm sorry."

She doesn't look over at me. "Nah, don't be. It's not your fault." She doesn't want my condolences.

"Well, my parents always made my birthdays a big deal even when I didn't want it to be."

"Yeah, that sounds like my mom. She goes all out for the big day." She leans her chin on her open palm.

Silence fills the car once more.

I glance over and watch her push the button to make the window go down. But then she pushes it once again right away to make it go back up. "Do you think it's possible to love someone but not like them at all?"

"Yes, I think that is a very real possibility."

"Yeah, me too."

---

I take her hand and lead her into the hospital.

The double doors open with an automatic swish and my nose wrinkles at that hyper-clean hospital smell. We pass the uninventive gift shop filled with 'get well' cards and odd fake flowers with tiny balloons peeking through on white plastic sticks. She tugs on my hand and I hang a step back as she asks for the room of Christopher Hayden.

We're awkwardly quiet as we both look up and watch the elevator light bounce from five to ground level. And the silence continues as we enter along with another couple. I watch her push the button for seven and take a step back to stand next to me. We're no longer holding hands and I see that her shoulders have slumped forward in anticipation of the moments to come. I gently take a step towards her and hug her from behind. Now is not the time to worry about boundaries in our tentative relationship (if I could call it that). Her shoulders relax and she leans back against my chest.

The doors open and I just follow her; hands in my pockets. We approach the waiting area and she suddenly turns to me. "Jess? Do you mind just waiting here for me while I go in? I think I should do this by myself."

"Yeah, sure. I'll just wait here." I bend down and kiss her quickly and it stuns me to think that it felt so natural, like we do it everyday.

I watch her walk slowly down the hall with her arms crossed awkwardly halfway between her chest and her stomach. I sit down in the uncomfortable plastic/leather hybrid of a chair and pick up a random magazine lying on the end table. I briefly think about going back out to the car to get my book, but I don't want her to walk out of the room and have me not be there.

I lean forward and rub my face in both palms and I notice the smell of coffee in front of me.

"Careful, it's hot."

I look up to see Lorelai holding a little paper Dixie cup brimming with a dark liquid, offering it to me. "Thanks." I take it.

She sits in the chair next to me. The material creeks under her. "So, it's nice to see you again Jess Mariano. Even more so since you're not curled up next to my only offspring, clutching her like it's your last possession on Earth."

I chuckle because there just isn't any other reaction worthy of that statement. I turn to her and lower my eyes. "Yeah, sorry about bailing on that lunch you requested."

She shrugs. "We can always do it some other time."

"You mean you're not going to threaten death and tell me to stay away from your daughter?"  
"Why? Is there a need to threaten you and to tell you to stay away from Rory?" She's dead serious.

"No; no need."

She nods once and quickly. "Good." She takes a long gulp from her cup. "So, what's the story with the two of you?"

"Doesn't take long to be all chatty, does it?" I mutter under my breath.

I look up to see one eyebrow perched high on her forehead.

"Sorry." I turn my neck sideways to try to release the building tension. It cracks and the sound pierces the noise of the hospital buzz. "I'm just a little worn out. It's been a tense twenty-four hours."

"Yeah, I understand." A beat. "I'm glad you're here. I mean, for Rory. I know nothing is easy when it comes to her and Chris."

I nod.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

I look up to see Luke standing in front of us in flannel and a baseball cap. "Hiya Uncle Luke."

His mouth hangs open but Lorelai stands and puts a hand on his arm. "Lukey, you remember you nephew Jess, right? Can't be getting senile so soon, can you honey?"

He turns to her. "Lorelai, I am well aware that is my nephew."  
"Well then what's the problem?" Her awkward conversation skills amuse me. Apparently it amuses herself as well judging by the fake wide-eyed look she's giving Luke.

"Can't you be serious?"

"Fine." She huffs. "Jess has so nicely brought Rory from Yale to see Chris. Nice fella, isn't he?"

I expect her to pet me like a dog any second now. I look up at Luke and smirk. He shakes his head and sits down next to me. "I think I have a headache now."

"Good thing we're at a hospital, Lukey. Now, I'm going to go check on Rory. Play nice boys." She disappears down the hall I watched Rory walk down not long before.

"Jess?"

I turn to look at him. "Yeah?"

"Is something going on?"

"I just gave Rory a lift." I'm not about to go spilling my guts to a relative I've barely seen a handful of times.

He snorts. "Right."

I don't feel like talking anymore, so I just lean back and close my eyes.

I feel Luke do the same next to me.

---

I slowly open my eyes when I feel someone gently shaking my shoulder. Rory is bending down and whispering my name. "Yeah, what's going on?"

"We're leaving now. Visiting hours are over."

"Oh right." I stand up. "You alright?" I quickly glance around the room and notice that Lorelai and Luke aren't here. "Everything go okay?" I touch her shoulder and she leans into me for a hug.

I see that her eyes are a bit red from what I assume to be crying and she tugs at the hair in her face. "I think so. He's still not awake, but the doctors are confident that he'll be fine once his body gets over the shock. At least I think that's what they said. You know, they talk so fast and it's hard to catch on." She's rambling.

"Yeah, I know the feeling." I think about the times she rattles off sentences like there's no tomorrow.

She pulls back from the hug and looks up at me. "Listen Jess, I just wanted to say thanks for taking me here and everything."

I just smile because I don't know what else to say.

"I think I'm going to spend a couple of days back in Stars Hallow with my mom. Just stay close in case anything happens. I already called some of my teachers and I'm planning on emailing the rest requesting extensions on assignments."

"That sounds good. I'm sure you'll want to be with your family for a bit."

"So, is it alright that I won't be in class? I won't get in trouble?" She tiredly smiles up at me and I join her.

"Yeah, I think I can make the exception." I bend down to kiss her.

She locks her arms around my waist and giggles. "Thanks."

I lift one of my hands to brush a lock of hair that has fallen across her face.

"Jess?" Her gaze is intense.

"Yeah?"

She opens her mouth but closes it again. I see her leaning towards me, but her head turns and she steps back quickly and I see her mother approach along with my uncle.

I take a step back as well. "Right." I run a slightly shaking hand through my hair to calm myself.

"Honey, you ready to go?" Lorelai is obviously keeping a respectable distance from us, in case we were having a moment.

"Yeah, I'll meet you guys downstairs." Rory's reply is pointed.

"Okay." They both turn to go, but I catch a glimpse of Luke turning his head around the corner to catch one last look at us.

"I have to get going. It's late."

"Yeah, it is." Though I have no idea of what time it actually is.

"I'll uh, see you in a couple days?" Her head is down and I realize she's suddenly shy again. It amazes me how she can go from sultry to shy in moments. Although I'm pretty sure she doesn't tease me on purpose. It's just a nice by-product of her quirks.

"You have my number?" I know she does, but I just want to remind her that she can talk to me.

"Yes."

"Okay." I take a step forward and run a finger down her jaw line. I close the space and I feel her gasp into my kiss and I take the opportunity to run my tongue across her bottom lip. She follows through and the kiss is becoming more passionate than I had expected. I can't seem to get enough and the thought of her leaving doesn't help and my hands go down to her waist and I pull her into my hips. She makes a noise and shifts her hips until she's found that spot and I kiss her harder, knowing full well the effect she's having me. My hands are slowly traveling up the length of her body and I suddenly realize that we're still in public and she's not going home with me. I slow down the kiss and pull back, but only to lean my forehead on hers with both my hands on her face. I open my eyes to find that hers are closed tightly. With a tiny kiss placed on the tip of her nose her eyes slowly open again.

A wide grin breaks out across her face and she doesn't move from my embrace. "Well, that was…yeah. Good." She trails off.

I release her face, but grip her belt loops instead. "I aim to please."

We both laugh.

She backs up, but I notice with excitement that her lips are red from our kissing and her hair is not neatly in its place. "Alright, I have to go now."

I smirk. "Okay, 'night."

---

_Jess here. Leave a message. I'll get back to you._ I notice the answering machine kick in, but I don't rush to take the call. Instead I kick the door close and I hear the rumble of the impending collision of Adso against my legs.

_Hey Jess, it's Rory. Uh, I'm still in Stars Hollow but I'm planning on coming back soon. My Dad's recovering now and he'll be released from the hospital in a couple of days. I figured I better be getting back or I'll have a lot of work piling up. _I hear her nervously clear her throat and I just lean against the kitchen wall looking at the machine, waiting for her to continue. _Anyways, since I didn't drive down here I don't have my car with me and my mom's Jeep has broken down again. I was wondering if you could give me a lift. Again. Um, of course you're not obligated. _She pauses. _But I would appreciate it. So if you could just give me a call. Seriously though, no pressure. Okay, then. Just call me. Uh, bye._

"She's crazy, isn't she?" I respond affectionately. Adso shakes his head and jingles his tags in response.

---

I tug the collar of my shirt and run a hand through my hair that has been messed up by the wind blowing through the open window of my car. I'm nervous all of a sudden as I note the many garden gnomes in her neighbor's front yard. I ring the doorbell and I can hear running steps approaching and I can see her blurry form through the glass. The door whips open and she flies towards me. "Jess!" I stagger back and join her laughter as she barrels into me for a fierce hug. My arms wrap around her slender frame and one of my hands has found its way into her hair to hold her closer. She takes the initiative and reaches up for a quick kiss. She whispers into my ear, "I've missed you."

"Me too." My own voice surprises me as I hear its hoarse sound.

She pulls back, but I don't let her step back from our embrace. "Thanks for coming to get me. I know you were supposed to have class today."

"Just happy to help." I tilt my head to the side and catch her shining eyes. "You know, you don't have to thank me every time I do something like this. I'm glad to do it."

"I know; I'm just still getting used to the idea of all of this." Her ponytail swings with the gesturing of her head.

"All of this, meaning us?" My hands on the small of her back have found a bit of her skin that has become exposed by her reaching up to hold me. I realize that it's soft.

"Yeah, us." She leans forward and tucks her face into the hollow of my throat. "Take one day at a time."

With her body flush against mine, I can't think of much else but the feeling of heat that's rushing through my body right now. "Yeah."

"Okay, let me just get my stuff." Her left hand runs down my arm and reaches for my hand. Tugging on my hand, she makes me miss a step over the threshold and I stumble a bit.

"Is your mom home?"

She turns around and gives me a playful pout. "And here I was thinking you were here to see her daughter."

I roll my eyes in response.

"Nah, she's at the inn. I said goodbye to her this morning. I told her I'd call her when I got back to school. And I saw Luke at breakfast in the diner and said goodbye as well."

I follow her through the house and lean on the doorjamb to her bedroom door. "Right, Luke." I poke my head in and look around.

I watch her dart around her room lifting some shirts off the hangers in her closet. "Yeah, about that. What's the deal with you and Luke? He was being kinda weird this morning; avoiding eye contact with me and everything. He does that when he's uncomfortable. Especially when he wants to ask me something, but feels like he can't. Did you guys talk at the hospital?"

I tuck my hands into my pockets and finger the spare change and the lonely piece of spearmint gum. "Something like that."

She stops her packing and turns to look at me. "Something like what?"

"Well," I nervously scratch the back of my head, "Luke asked me if there was something going on with us."

"What did you tell him?"

There's a huge gap between us; it's the length of her room as she's perched upon her desk with her legs dangling and with me still unable to cross from being in the kitchen to inside her room. "I was caught off guard. And I didn't know what we were telling people. So I might have told him that I just gave you a ride to the hospital."

Her head bends and I watch her examine her fingernails. "Uh huh."

"It's just that I don't really know Luke, and I had just finished talking with your mom." I cross the room quickly to stand right in front of her. "Sorry."

She hops down. "It's alright. I understand. Though I think he will know 'cause my mom was trying to grill me for information when I was going to bed."

"Sure, of course." I shrug.

"That's alright, right?"

I drop a chaste kiss on her lips. "Nah, it's fine. It's your family."

"Well technically, it's sorta your family too. Luke." She tilts her head to the side.

"But it's your mom's boyfriend."

"That's true. Wow, that's ironic that they're together, and we're together isn't it?" She leans into my body and I can smell her shampoo. "Hey, what if Luke and Mom get married? That would make us related."

I make a face. "Uh, let's not think about it that way."

She giggles and swings away to reach for her duffel bag. "Come on cousin, let's get outta here."

I groan at the phrasing and she laughs at me while reaching for my hand.

---

I fumble for my keys in my pocket all the while juggling her duffel in my other hand. She turns her head and starts kissing the side of my neck and I can't help but moan as she finds the pulse point while her hands have found my waist.

"You know, you're not helping me in the search for my keys."

She laughs and pulls away. "You need help looking for them?"

I stop my search and glance down at her. "Unless you want to make out in my hallway, I need to find my keys."

"Here, I'll help." She reaches into my front pocket and my head tilts forward with a groan at the feeling of her searching fingers.

"Hey, you're doing that on purpose."

"Doing what?" She bats her eyes at me.

I roll my eyes at her. "Yeah, right." I reach into my other pocket and stick the key into the lock.

"And here I was trying to help."

I throw her bag on the couch and kick the door with my foot to shut it. Turning back to her I pull her into my body and she yelps in surprise. "Oh, I can use your help here." I shift my hips to emphasize my point.

Her eyes widen. "How romantic." Her deadpan remark makes me laugh.

"I can do romantic. Remember what I said?"

Her eyes darken and I catch the streetlight bouncing off the dark blue irises. "That would be nice."

I back up both our bodies towards my bedroom. Bending down, I catch her lips and kiss her gently. She tries to deepen the kiss, but I pull back to look at her. "How did I get so lucky?" My voice is husky and it pierces the silence.

Her smile drops and she bites her lip. "Is that your romantic line that you use on all the girls?"

"No." I don't want her to misunderstand this as just a dime a dozen. This doesn't happen for me often, if at all, and in the midst of the joking around I want her to know that I take us very seriously.

She nods and I can tell that she gets it. Slowly, she looks up and avoids eye contact. "I'm kinda nervous."

I kiss her forehead and slip down so that our noses are touching. "Me too."

She smiles and pauses for a moment. Suddenly, she's recovered and I can see it in her eyes and she kisses me hesitantly at first but it continues with growing passion. I cradle her face in my palms and her searching hands have found the bottom of my shirt and her fingers inch their way across my abdomen. "Rory, you're killing me." I practically growl into her mouth as I pull back from our kiss.

She peeks up at me and holds out her hand like a child. "Let's go to bed."

I raise my eyebrow at her. "Yes ma'am." I take her hand and lead her the rest of the way into my room. Her hand is warm in my palm and I love that our fingers are all tangled up with each other. Reaching my room, I realize that I'm about to turn on the light, but I fight the habit and walk over the edge of the bed. I turn back to her and I smile gently. "Hey you."

"Hey you back." She takes a step closer and her feet shuffle between mine. She looks bashful and I watch her undo the buttons of my shirt. One by one her fingers work slowly, but I take the time to enjoy the view. She finishes the last button and she slips the shirt off my shoulders and places a wet kiss on my collarbone.

I clutch her t-shirt with both hands and nudge her and she raises her arms as I pull it over her head. Even in the dim light I can make out the little flower pattern on her bra and I kiss a bare shoulder. Her mouth finds mine again and my eyes shut as I give into the feeling and reach around for the clasp. I can feel her hands working the buckle of my belt and I hear the sharp clink of it coming undone. She wiggles her hips and her jeans join her other discarded clothing that has gathered on the floor.

I sit down blindly on the bed and I pull her down on me, all the while refusing to end our kiss. She shifts her body while I'm slowly inching both of us down to lay flat on the bed and I love feeling the full weight of her on top of me. Coming to terms with the fact that right now only my boxers separate the two of us, I adjust our position on the bed and roll her off of me. She stops my hands and sits up on her knees and leisurely tugs my boxers off. I lean back up on my elbows and nod in my direction back up at the head of the bed. "Come 'ere."

She grins and she comes up to sit straddling halfway between my hips and my chest. She bends down and her hair makes a curtain around her flushed face and I lay back down to look up at her. I extend my hand up to her face and I cup one cheek in my palm. It's hot to the touch and the contrast of the coolness of my hand to the heat of her cheek makes her sigh and lean into me. "Jess…" I watch her eyes drift shut and her eyelashes flutter as she opens them again and locks them with mine.

Both of my hands grip her knees that are bended at my side and she watches me with wide eyes, refusing to break contact. I slide cool palms up from her knees to her thighs and she whimpers as I reach her hips and find the bones that jut out creating a hollow where my thumbs fit in perfectly.

I'm loosing myself in the moment and the soft feeling of our kiss, but all of a sudden I feel her cautious fingers grasp me and become bolder. I can't help but stop the kiss and throw my head back into my pillow with a loud groan. "Oh god." The muscles in my neck are clenched in the impending feeling that is coursing through my veins. I feel her bend down to kiss my exposed neck and her hair tickles my chest. I laugh and look up at her. Knowing full well that if she continues her way that I'll be done way before I plan, I sit up preparing to switch positions.

Nudging her head to the side I sweep some of her hair off of her shoulder and breathe in her intoxicating scent. I trace the curve of her neck with my tongue but pause to nip at the skin that connects her neck to her jaw. Still, I continue to sit up and she's fully resting her upper body's weight on me. My hands slide down the path of her arms to her elbows and I have to pull back from my assault on her neck to watch her reaction as my right hand closes in on her breast. Her head lolls back and my other arm comes up to support her and I shift once more to lay her down on the bed. She arches her back and I tighten my hold on her and her legs bend at the knees, tangling our limbs together.

I dip down and rest my weight on my elbows and I hear her moan from the disconnection of my hand from her chest. Scooting down the length of her so that we're no longer in eye contact with each other I bend my head to take her left breast in my mouth. She tightens on contact and I reach up to massage the other in my hand. I flick my tongue against her and she arches again and the bed gently bounces as she flattens once more against my sheets. She sighs explosively and her hands tangle their way into my hair. Short nails are tracing my skull and I know that she's trying to release some of the building tension. "Jess…" She trails off with my name dying in a hiss on her lips and I extend my body up to kiss her as she whimpers the last syllable. Our tongues tangle and I feel her biting at my lower lip.

Her hands are gripping my forearms and I realize in my foggy haze that she's wrapping her legs around my waist. I feel her eyes intently staring at my reactions as she continues to move her lower body against mine until she makes me catch my breath and we both realize that she's found that one particular spot. She forces her hips against mine and I can't hold back. I search for her eyes. The question is left unspoken.

Her response is a sharp nod and a noise that sounds like the result of a moan and a whine. Her eyes are fluttering again and mine are wandering all over her face, hoping to memorize the look of her biting down on her lip and the mesmerizing sight of damp hairs matted on her forehead.

I reach into the drawer of my nightstand and retract with a single condom in hand. Her head has gone to lay sideways as she watches my movements in silence. I see her reach up and she takes it from my hands and she rolls it on me herself. She tugs oh so gently and gives me a confident stroke that makes me curl my toes in anticipation of what I know will come. My hands come up to support her, with one hand behind each shoulder blade and she leans on my arms as I lay her down against my bed. One of my thumbs reaches from behind her shoulder blade and presses against a hardened nipple. She gasps loudly and as the noise escapes from her open mouth, I absorb the sound into my own. She squirms against my thumb and I bring the hand around from her back to gently pinch. Her eyes roll back and I bend down to soothe the pain with my tongue.

I feel her hips come up and oh god, does it feel amazing, as I comprehend the reality that I'm inside of her. She undulates her hips and I watch her lips part to take a deep breath. I watch her chest expand and I push forward again, kissing her shoulder and then back up to her mouth where I feel her gasp. She pulls back suddenly and I'm surprised at the cool air hitting my face and her hands go down to my hips and she digs in her nails as I feel her tighten her muscles. I feel her breathing come in pants and a sound that comes out of her like a startled cry.

I securely hold her hips in my hands and I lift her lower half off the bed to increase the angle. She comes up to support both of us by pushing against my headboard and I'm watching her every movement. I watch her eyes snap open suddenly only to close just as quickly as she comes up to grasp my shoulders. I'm no longer gentle and the force of my plunge makes her collapse against my pillows.

I hear myself grunt, but am totally unaware of anything happening but the pulsing, clenching feeling that is making my body insanely tense. She tightens her legs around my waist and arches her back in tandem with my thrusts. Her arms come up to circle my neck and the movement brings her breasts right up into me again. I take her in my mouth once more and I feel her excitement as I suckle.

I almost forget to breathe as I feel her pushing hard against me to twist her hips and grind, creating a delicious feeling that invades my senses. She does it again; once, twice, a slow third and I take her moving hips into my hands and grip her tightly as I sense her clenching around me. I think I hear her cry out my name and I look up to see her leaning away from me with her body strung out, pulled tight with a heaving chest that can't seem to get enough air.

The tension I was experiencing moments before rush out of my body and suddenly I can barely hold myself up. I breathe in deeply and exhale in a growl. My lips are dry and my words come out hoarse, "Oh god." I roll on my side and I watch her join me, collapsing into one of my outstretched arms. I curl my elbow underneath her and pull her directly into my body.

One of her hands has come up to her lips and she bites down on her fingernail. "Hi." Her voice is raspy and I watch her tongue dart out to wet her lips. Damn, that was sexy.

I wiggle my way forward and nudge her nose and I help her moisten her lips again. The coiling tension in the pit of my stomach is gone now and my limbs have relaxed and it's a wonderful contrast to the pressure I felt radiating through my body just minutes before.

She giggles. "That was…" She closes her eyes and opens them slowly. "I uh…"

I smile as I watch her struggle for words. I know how she feels. I pull her close and I can taste the salty skin beneath my lips. I let out the breath that I didn't know I was holding and I close my eyes as I feel her heartbeat against my bare chest and I hear her breathing even out against the crook of my neck.

---

The numbers that are glowing red are telling me that it has only been a couple of hours since I've made love to this girl in my arms, but it feels like it's been a lifetime. A life that I would love, and plan to, relive as often as possible.

I cradle her body in my arms and I am alert of every part of me that is touching her skin. My entire being is hyperaware of her presence and the position of our bodies and a large part of me just wants her to wake up so that I can talk to her. My forefinger traces the shell of her ear and I kiss the side of her mouth. I feel her moving against me and smile against my parted lips. She's nibbling on my top lip but moves to soothe it with the flicking of her tongue. She hums against me and I lazily pull back to get a good look at her face.

Her eyes are half open with an impossibly sultry look passing through her features and a lock of hair has fallen in front of her left eye. One of my outstretched hands goes to sweep it aside and she sighs against me at the sensation of my slightly callous finger against her smooth skin. Blue eyes open and I watch her blink a couple of times to chase away the sleep. She smiles slowly, but it has now become a full-blown grin that spreads from ear to ear. "Would it be totally lame if I said, 'thank you'?"

I laugh; a chuckle that stretches through my entire body. I go to nuzzle the exposed part of her neck and she leans even more into my body as she lies on her side, mirroring my actions. "You're welcome." I lower my voice an octave and I can feel her shiver against me.

"You know what I would love?"

I kiss her shoulder and bite the slender curve of her arm while my hand has gone up to knead her breast that is hidden beneath my sheet. "Hm?" I let her feel the vibrations of my question against her skin.

Her head tilts up to look at me. "Something to eat. I'm starving." She has a doe-like look in her eyes and she grins.

I smile as well. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She nods her head to punctuate her point.

I tuck her hair behind her ear. "What would you like?"

"Cereal."

I smirk. "Is that your choice of post-coital munchies?"

"Of course. Ice cream is too cliché."

---

She laughs loudly as I yelp from the sudden coldness of the milk that she's accidentally spilled on my chest. I just watch her, unmoving, as she angles her body to lick the spilt milk from me. She bends down again to circle one of my nipples with her tongue and I reach for her bowl to place on the nightstand. As I place it gently out of the way she lays down flush against my body and I peel off the sheet that she was using to cover herself in so that I can feel her again, skin to skin.

I sigh against her ear only to take a deep breath again as I watch her snuggle into every crevice of my exposed body. She sits up on me and I just lean back on my pillow that now smells sharply of sex to enjoy the view. She unhurriedly moves her hips on top of mine counterclockwise and my hands go to help her move once more. I can't help but part my lips in a groan and I catch her amused look. "Minx."

She laughs again and this time it's utterly sweet. The sound floats above us and I sit up to kiss her just as sweetly as she laughed. Her arms come up to wrap around my upper torso and mine entwine in her hair that's becoming more and more tangled. I can feel her heart thudding against my chest and her nipples tightening on contact. She's leaning too much against me and we flop back down on the bed with her once again on top, crushing me with delicious weight. She's shaking and I pull back to realize that she's giggling.

I go to kiss her once more to swallow her laughter and she responds quickly. The kiss is full of desire that has once more come over me and I feel her squirming. One of her legs comes forward between mine and I hear her take a sharp breath as she feels me against her once more, demanding and waiting. As she traces my abdomen with one hand and inch her way closer with each movement, my eyes drift shut and I hear the distinctive click of the light on the nightstand go off.


	10. New

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 10: New

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me. The first text message does not belong to me, it's in a book and I liked the sound of it. The Peabody Museum is not my creation, it's a real building and used as a reference for this chapter.

**AN:** Starts where C9: Affinity left off. Thanks for reading! Enjoy and please **review**.

A note about the story: Please understand the full ramifications of this story and its label as an AU. It is an Alternate Universe story in which characters retain the same face and perhaps some of the personality traits, but much of their lives, situations, and everything around them are up for change and fair ground for my artistic license. Please leave most preconceived notions of them aside. Read this as a story in itself where you follow this new world that I've created under very different origins. Therefore, these characters are very likely to be "out of character." Their different behaviors are according to this story's summary. Many base qualities of Jess and Rory are the same, but for the sake of this story and of something new and different much has been altered to make this story work. Please keep that in mind when you're reading so that you can fully enjoy and understand the story as a whole. **Thank you**.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

---

Cool air hits my skin and I can feel goose bumps appear on my exposed side. Opening my eyes to the dark, I try to sit up to grab the covers. Realizing that they're not scrunched up at the foot of the bed, I feel her squirming against my movements. She's lying on top of my arm that's holding her close to my body, and I hear her mumble as I look over the edge of the bed for my comforter. I pull my upper body away from her to reach down and pull up the blankets that have fallen during our previous activities.

"Jess?"

I turn my head to see her sitting up, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her palm. "Hey, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." I whisper and I quickly gather the rest of the blankets.

She lies back down on her side to watch me and one of her arms stretches out to me. "Come back." She grins.

Placing the comforter over her, I go back to my place on the bed and I join her. She pulls me in and I tuck her body into mine. Her head rests on my sternum and I put my chin on top of her head. She kisses my Adam's apple and I swallow, feeling her going up to stroke my chest. My hand comes up from the growing burrow of warmth to wrap the sheet around her shoulder blades that peek through the top. My fingers find their way to her hair and I comb through the tangles. She sighs against me.

"What time is it?" Her mumble barely comes across to my ears as she fidgets under the covers.

I look over. "Damn, it's almost six. I need to get up for class soon."

Her head comes up and looks in the same direction. "Right, class. Yeah, I should get back to my dorm to change."

"You're leaving?"

She laughs at my reaction. "You just said it yourself. We both have class today, one of which includes your English discussion later this morning. And I can't very well show up wearing something that I was obviously wearing the day before." She sits up and drags the blanket with her.

"Then wear my clothes." I'm still lying down and I run my hand up her arm.

She leans over to me and kisses me. "Like that would be a good idea," she scoffs, "I'll just wear your clothes to your class and so I can have something to make me think about you more in an inappropriate setting."

I chuckle at her sarcasm. "Works for me."

"This sucks. I don't wanna leave." Her childish pout appears.

I get impatient and I pull her down to rest against me. She turns her head to the side. I try to make light of the situation. "The end of the semester is just a week away."

She nods against my chest. "Yeah I know."

We stay still and I can just hear the seconds slip away around us. Her body is warm on top of mine and I run my hand down from her lower waist down to her thigh. She makes a content noise and her mouth descends on my arm and kisses the muscle that has tightened on contact. I sigh and bring my head up, effectively throwing her off balance and I sit up on the bed. I rub my forehead and I look back, "Sorry, I have to get ready."

"No, that's fine. I understand."

I swing my legs over the side of the bed to stand and I catch sight of my boxers that are halfway underneath my bed. I slip them on and go to turn on the light. Suddenly remembering that she's still in my bed I stop. "What time do you need to get back? Do you want to stay and get some more sleep?"

She's begun to gather her clothes and she pauses in the midst of clutching her jeans against her chest. It doesn't quite cover her completely and I groan thinking that there are certainly better scenarios of the morning after our first time than the both of us having to rush off to class.

She actually looks a bit surprised. "I just thought you would want me to get going, since you're getting ready and all."

My brows furrow together, "Why would you think that?"

"I don't know. I thought that's just how things go."

I chuckle. "You can stay here as long as you'd like. Just 'cause I need to leave, doesn't mean you need to too."

"Well, I need to shower and I have class at a quarter 'til eight. So I better get going."

I flip on the light. "Shower?"

"Uh huh." She's zipping up her jeans.

"Well, then…" I cross the room in several quick strides to catch her off guard and I lift her into my arms. She yelps in surprise and wraps her legs around my waist.

"What are you doing?" She exclaims in excitement.

"Let's go take that shower." I carry her through the room to the bathroom and I hold her up by her thighs as she grabs onto my shoulders.

She leans to kiss my neck and she makes me stumble. I reach the bathroom and I put her on the sink, where she's eyelevel with me. My hands slide up from her waist to right beside her breasts and I lean into her for a proper kiss. I'm careful to note that I haven't brushed my teeth, but as I feel her dig her fingers into my shoulders I open my mouth to kiss her harder. She pushes against my chest and my hands go down to undo her jeans. I pull back and I watch her hop off the counter to shimmy her way out of them. She comes to tug at the elastic of my boxers and I smirk at her as she bites her lip in anticipation. I pull them down and take her hand to lead her to the shower.

The warm stream of water is a wonderful sensation on my skin and she pulls me towards her. I just stop for a second to stare at her body that seems to practically glow. I nudge her head to the side and she tilts her head back to wet her hair. I squirt a dollop of my shampoo to lather in her brown locks. She whimpers against the feeling of my fingers on her scalp and her hands have come to grip hard at my waist. As I lean her back to rinse it off I freeze, feeling her fingers on me. She gives me a feather like touch and then follows it with a confident stroke down and I bend down to catch her lips under the spray of my showerhead. She doesn't let go and I flick my tongue against her in time with the movements of her hands. I'm suddenly extremely close and I wrench my mouth from hers to pull my body away, "Oh god."

She giggles and it vibrates off the glass doors of my shower.

I look at her with wet hair hanging around her shoulders and her hands resting now on my hips. "Oh, you think it's funny, huh?"

"Kinda." She tries to stop her laughing but it comes out of her again in a sputter.

"Well." I bend down once more to suck at the wet skin of the bottom of her neck and her laughter dies down completely. I'm biting at her too, but I make sure that it's not too high on her neck. My hand reaches up for her breast and I roll a nipple between my fingers. She's holding onto me with one hand on my neck and the other on the arm that's supporting her.

"Jess..." I don't stop to look at her but I can feel her head moving back to rest against the shower wall. I move our bodies closer to the direct path of the running water so that she doesn't get a chill. The hand that I've been using to support her has come to wrap around her lower back and my fingers span out to touch as much of her as possible.

I move the hand that has been teasing her breast to run down the length of her body. I reach her abdomen and she cries out as I press a finger against her while I continue to travel lower still. My head bends down to latch onto her breast as I abandon her neck and take my time stoking her slowly. Her nails are digging into my skin and she pitches forward first to rest her head against me and then suddenly to bite down hard on my clavicle. I smile against her and I move up to kiss her on the mouth. She finds me quickly and her left leg comes up to curl around my waist. I add another finger into her and her leg tightens around me. She kisses me hard but she's leaning too much against me. I remove my hand and use both arms to support our combined weight. I'm beginning to realize that I can't take much more of this, and I pull back to catch my breath. My chest heaves against her and she looks wide-eyed at me.

"Shit. We've got to get out of the shower, Rory."

She grins but doesn't move as I twist around to turn off the shower. Her one leg is still tight around me and she raises her eyebrow as she brings the other leg up as well. I'm carrying her again and as we step out of the shower I nod my head to her in the direction of my towel. She grabs it and uses a corner to dry my face with it. "You're all wet."

I'm moving as fast as I can from the bathroom to my bedroom and she's beginning to slip from my grasp. "So are you." My wet hair is sticking to my forehead and hers is dripping on my chest.

She tightens her legs around me and I move against her in the opposite direction. Her head tumbles back and I note in amazement as she groans, "God that feels good."

In this early morning, she's turning out to be quite the sultry siren. I love it. I'm loosing my grip on her so I sit her down at the foot of my bed. She lets go of my waist, only to climb up to reach into my nightstand. She comes back to kneel on the bed and it brings her just below eyelevel. I go to kiss her and my body just relaxes against her for the moment. She sighs into my exploration and leans back to bring me on top of her on the bed. Her hand strokes me again and I feel her rolling the condom against my skin. She grips me and squeezes only to run both her hands down my length. I thrust against her open palm and almost loose my balance.

I rest my body's weight against hers and her knee bends up next to me, while her other leg comes up to circle my waist. Not needing to waste anymore time, I push up with my forearms and watch her reaction as I enter her. One hand goes to hold her moving hips while the other makes sure that I keep some weight off her body. I slow down her movements to drag out the feeling and she bucks against my hips. She whimpers and removes her leg from around my waist. Instead, she bends both knees and I bring them gently up towards her chest. She suddenly throws her head back and it arches her body into mine, creating a new sensation as the angle differs. She moves her legs once more to rest with her feet flat against the bed and I move into her again, my hands reaching behind her back to support her weight. I try to pull up but her head lolls back, hair skimming the top of my sheet. I moan loudly as I begin to feel her clench around me. Determined to make the end explosive, I sit up detaching my mouth from her breast and watch her face as I add my finger into her as well, all the while continuing to push harder.

I watch in delight as she screams against me and she comes up to grip my neck. Her arms are encircling my upper body and she tightens her body, bringing me closer to my own orgasm. She's starting to relax under me and I move forward for a final thrust against her. Her body clamps down on me and I fly over the edge with a groan that's loud against the silent room.

I roll off of her and she stays still as I remove myself. There's a single tear on her cheek and I reach for her face with concern. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She sniffles. "Really, nothing's wrong."

I lean forward to touch her, leaving my hand against her cheek. "You sure?"

"Yes, really." She smiles. "I don't know why." She kisses me, chaste and sweet.

I nod and smile too. "Sorry you didn't get to finish your shower." I tease.

Her smile is full-blown. "That was way better than any shower." She giggles.

I chuckle as well, "Ditto."

Her head turns to the clock. "Come on, you'll be late."

She gets up with me and I turn to grab a fresh pair of boxers from my dresser. I peek around and smirk as I see her walking awkwardly to pick up her clothes once more. I reach for the first shirt that comes to hand and as I button it I ask, "Can I see you tonight?"

"You're asking for a date?" She sounds amused and I see her combing her hair with her fingers.

"Yeah." I button my jeans and grab my bottle of gel that I've left on my nightstand from the other morning. "I was thinking, take-out and a movie, here."

"Pop-corn and candy too?" I see her face poking up through the opening of her sweatshirt.

"Sure." I grin.

"Okay, that sounds great."

"Seven?"

She nods and begins to walk out of my room. I leave the gel on the bed and jog to catch up with her. She turns her head around and grins at me, but doesn't slow down until she reaches my front door. I place my hand on the door to stop her from opening it just yet, and I lean towards her with my whole body. She kisses me quickly and adds; "I'll see you later."

I back up and close the door behind her retreating figure that's disappearing down the hallway. I look over and see that Adso is sitting next to his bowl with his tail wagging and I dig into the pantry for his bag of food. Crouching down I fill his bowl, "Looks like we'll have a visitor tonight." He nudges my hand out of the way as he goes for his breakfast. I ruffle his ears. "Yeah, I like her."

---

I notice the snow drifts as I walk the short distance to campus. With my travel mug full of coffee in one hand, I take my phone out of my coat pocket in the other. Selecting her number, I text her quickly.

_Gorgeous morning, Morning Gorgeous._

I cross the street and the wind howls around the pedestrians. Taking a sip of my coffee, I join the crowd of student walking around from their early classes. I dodge the oncoming bodies and duck into the building. I pass by the breakfast cart and wait in line for a muffin. My stomach is growling and I smile to myself as I feel my weary body for the first time since she's left my apartment. Looking over the shoulder of the girl in front of me, I'm impatient for these four people to just hurry up and order. My phone buzzes and I flip it open.

_Totally starving--- you're to blame. Extremely tired and sore, also your fault._

I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from grinning like an idiot. Exhaling in a huff, I listen to the girl in front order practically everything on the menu. I shift my weight from one leg to the next as I contemplate blueberry versus cranberry. The girl is still rambling about the temperature she wants her custom drink and I hit the reply button on my phone.

_Will make it up to you with large pizza. But plan on being tired and worn-out again. Might just have to stay up all night._

The breakfast guy is trying to get my attention and I apologize and quickly point to the muffin I want. I pay with a five-dollar bill and leave the change in the fishbowl for a tip. Walking away I roll my eyes at myself for being in such a good mood. I'm approaching the doorway of my first class and I take my usual seat in the back. I'm about to silence my phone when I see I have a message alert.

_Dirty._

I duck down so that no one can see my smile. I save her text.

---

They file in slowly and I watch from my position at the front of the class. My eyes are purposely blank, but I'm staring at the door, waiting for her to come through. I glance at the watch and see that it's exactly eleven and I stand up to start. From the corner of my eye I see her slip in from the door at the rear of the classroom and take a seat. She smiles shyly only to keep her head down so that she won't attract attention.

"Alright, your finals are next week and I know you are all busy. So here are the review questions I'm supposed to hand out to you. They were given to me by your professor so read them carefully, as I suspect these topics will be your essays. Take them and study. You can stay and discuss the questions with each other or you can leave. But don't forget to check your syllabus for the final schedule time. Be there early that morning." I disperse the stack of papers that I had just photocopied moments earlier. "Good luck on your finals."

She's staying in her seat, watching everybody else leave the classroom. I'm leaning against the front of my desk, watching her. The last student has cleared the room and the door closes softly after him. She's picking up her backpack and the binder that she tucked her study guide into. Walking up to me, she smiles. "Got some time until your next class?"

I nod. "Yeah, come on. I'll buy you lunch."

"Why thank you Mister Mariano." Her voice has taken on a southern drawl. She sounded like a Midwestern beauty queen.

I stand up, but resist reaching for her hand. I hold open the door and make a small bow. "After you, Miss."

She curtseys. "Such a gentleman."

She passes by me and I hang back a moment to check her out from behind. I lengthen my stride to catch up with her and my hand goes to her lower back as we walk down the empty hallway.

---

I hand her the tuna sandwich and I plop down next to her on the abandoned bench. "Here you go."

"Yum." The wrapper crinkles in her hands and she takes a big bite. "Wow, this is good."

"I eat at this place at least twice a week. Their sandwiches are the best. The roast beef here," I gesture to the one in my hand, "is what I usually get." I take a bite. "It's like a hidden secret on campus."

I watch her turn her head towards me and smile as she silently eats her food.

Noticing that she's just listening, I continue, "People generally eat in the cafeteria and those who do eat somewhere else either flock to the fast food places off campus, or they hit the vending machines for a snack."

"Uh huh."

"But what they don't know is that these little food carts are amazing. I had a muffin this morning at the cart next to the Peabody Museum building." I take a bite and my tongue darts out to catch a bit of mayo on the corner of my mouth.

She scoots close to me and our knees touch. "Thanks for taking me here."

I smile, "You're welcome." I bump her knee. We eat in silence and I just watch the occasional person pass by us. There are not too many students lingering outside since it's so cold and the cup of coco that I'm holding between my knees is steaming hot.

I look over at her and to enjoy the view. Her hair is down around her shoulders and the wind picks it up occasionally, blowing it around her face. Her hand comes up repeatedly to brush it away and she bites down on her mitten to take it off so that she can use her bare fingers to tuck hair behind her ears.

I take a sip from my cup. "I like your hair like that."

She smiles from around a curtain of bangs. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. With the wind blowing it all around, it makes it look like someone's had their way with you." I grin wolfishly at her.

"Funny you bring it up." She leans towards me and pulls on the collar of both her coat and her sweater. The junction of her shoulder to her neck now has a hickey. I run a finger down her neck and I circle the spot I was attached to early this morning. She sighs at the feeling of my cool finger and she releases her hold on the collars.

I lean back against the bench and rub my hand across the bridge of my nose.

"I kinda like it." She startles me out of my silence.

"That might be the first time anyone actually said they liked the aftermath of a hickey." I smirk.

"Well it brings back good memories."

I glance over for another look. Her sweater is covering it up but I can picture it clearly in my mind. "I'll say."

---

I rush to answer the doorbell and I swing the door open. "Hi."

"Hi." Her backpack begins to slip from her shoulder and I reach over the threshold to take it from her.

"Here let me get that for you."

"Thanks." She comes in and I drop her bag by the door.

Kicking the door shut with my foot, I free up my hands to grab her body into mine. I lean down to catch her lips and she's surprised. One hand lands on my chest while the other one goes for my waist. Her fingers mingle with my belt loops and I tug her closer to my body. She shifts her weight and fits herself into my body. I haven't kissed her since this morning and I'm desperate to taste her. She bunches my shirt in her hands and my chest heaves against her and I pull back momentarily to take a deep breath.

She giggles, loudly. "Why, hello again."

"Hello." I chuckle. "Come 'ere, you."

I wet my lips and kiss her again. She pushes her tongue against mine and I walk both of us back towards the couch. I sit down on the arm on the couch and I move my hands from her face to her back and I pull on her t-shirt. She straddles my lap and we fall back onto the sofa. She falls higher above me and I kiss her exposed neck. Suddenly I want more skin and I draw her shirt off her body and I absently throw it over my shoulder.

"You know, I didn't come over just for this." She gestures at the space between us that is quickly diminishing.

"Yeah right, you're totally just using me for my body." I smirk.

She kisses me quickly and pulls back immediately. "Aw, that's a horrible thing to say. Here, we'll just stop and have a conversation so that you'll know I'm interested in your mind as well." She looks down at me from her vantage point on my lap.

I rest my head for a moment and I bring up my hands to the bare skin at her waist. I know she's kidding but I give into her joke just as well. "Well if you insist." I run my hands up towards her breasts but my fingers are barely touching.

She squirms at my tentative touch. "Maybe later." She bites her lower lip and her eyes lazily drift shut. "It would be a shame to stop what you're doing and waste your efforts."

I bend up and kiss the space between her breasts. "Yeah, shame."

Giggling, she wiggles down my body so that we're face to face again and she smiles broadly at me. She's got a handful of my shirt in her fist and I reach back for her bra clasp. Lying on top of me she jerks her hips and my arms go down to move with her after I unhook her bra. One strap slides off her shoulder and I sit up, bringing her with me. She takes it off herself and her knees squeeze against me as she tosses her bra on the coffee table. Gasping at the feel of my crisp cotton shirt against her bare chest, she kisses the side of my neck. I tilt my head away from her to offer more room as she begins to lick and suckle near the same spot that I had given her a hickey. I sigh contently with her in my lap, and I just hold her for a minute.

I unbutton her jeans but I can't slide them off her legs because she's still perched upon me. I quickly shift my weight to flip her over and her breasts gently bounce with our change in position. My head bends down to kiss them quickly and I sit back on my heels and pull on her jeans. I laugh as I see her go for my shirt and I stand up to toe off my shoes. I hurriedly strip off my jeans and I climb back onto the couch next to her in my boxers. I lay down on my side and my arms wrap around her bare skin. She sighs into my kiss and her hand reaches for the waistband. Her hand brushes against me and my eyes roll into the back of my head. "Ugh, Rory…"

Her face is buried in the crook of my neck once more, but she's not kissing my neck this time. I feel her breathe in deeply and she mumbles against my skin, "I can't seem to get enough of you."

Our bodies still and I just hold her close to me. "Me neither." I kiss her forehead.

She nudges her nose against mine and I just enjoy the close proximity. The moment has died down and it swirls the passion around us, just waiting to be found again. My hand traces a path down from her arm to her waist, and she shifts against the tickling sensation. I kiss her closed eyelids and then the tip of her nose. She moves up to catch my lips in her own and I use my arms to bring her as close as I can. I urge my leg to rest between hers, making her moan on contact. With just thin material between us, I let her feel the weight of my desire against her and I break the kiss as I feel her writhe against me. She's circling her hips to mine clockwise, and I move my hands to slow her down. Breaking our kiss, she pulls back to look down at our hips and her hands come to rest on my chest as I let her feel the difference of moving counter-clockwise.

I can feel the pressure building slowly in the pit of my stomach and I kiss her hard as I grind into her. She grins up at me but pulls back so that I can't feel her against the part of my body that's aching. My eyes squeeze shut and I groan in complaint. She moves to sit up on me and I smile, waiting to see what she has in mind. I'm lying flat on my back now, and my hand goes up to her sitting form to play with her hair. She had pulled it in a ponytail since I last saw her at lunch and I find the elastic to free her. I tug gently, and her hair falls down around her shoulders.

She smiles knowingly at me and her hands come to rest against my abs to support herself. She scoots forward to trap me between our bodies and she pushes forward gently, but surely. I release her hair from my fingers and I grip both her shoulders. My hands run down her body once more and I just trace the top of her underwear. She's wearing something that looks like it should belong on a little boy, and I vaguely think of a time where I wore briefs like that. I raise my eyebrow at her and I pull down on her underwear as much as I can. She hops off the couch to remove them and they land next to her bra. I look at them on the coffee table and smirk at her as she climbs back on me.

I reach for her to pull her back down, but she refuses and leans her weight away from me so that she's still sitting with her bended knees to my side. I cup a hand around her left breast and she leans into me. My thumb presses against a nipple and it hardens to my touch. I smile and she bends down to kiss me. I let go of her breast and slide both palms up her curved back, finally finding their resting spot in her hair. My hands slide back down as she lazily ends the kiss and sits back up again. I bend my knees too, and she has no choice but to scoot forward into my lap and I intimately brush against her. She whimpers at the feeling and my hands go to her hips, waiting. She nods, but pulls from my kiss to ask, "Jess?"

I breathe in deeply in response, and jerk my head in the direction of my discarded jeans. "Pocket." I grunt out in reply.

Leaning over the couch to pick up my pants, she's no longer touching me and I surprise her by gently inserting a finger. She freezes while digging in my back pocket, "Oh god."

I chuckle and I stroke her harder as I feel her bucking against my hand. She comes to fully sit on me again, but leans back to give herself enough room to put the condom on me. I'm lost in the feeling of her around my finger, and I almost jerk in surprise as I feel her stroke up and back down again with a tight fist. I close my eyes in response and I remove my hand. My head is suddenly too heavy to lift up and I let it drop back against the arm of the couch. With my eyes closed, I can feel her lifting up gently only to come down on me swiftly. My body clenches at the feeling of being inside of her again and I force my eyes open.

In this new position, I'm able to see the whole length of her body on top of me, and my hands go to her pelvis to move with her. I lift my body up in time with hers and her breasts slightly bounce at the movements. I sit up to take the right one in my mouth and I groan into her as she moves down on me harder. I stop her movements and take my hands to guide her hips, rocking in time with her. I'm not getting enough pressure with her just on top of me, and I sit up to urge her backwards to halfway lean against the arm of the couch. On my knees, I take over, and I trust harder as the position now brings more stress against me.

Below me, she grips my forearm and breathlessly chokes out, "Jess…I can't… can't catch my breath."

I stop for a moment and rest my forehead against hers. My eyes close tightly and I open them again to find her mouth parted to gulp in air. I gently move to sweep some hair off her forehead, and I kiss her very slowly as I leave my hand cupped around her ear. I smile and pull back to ask, "Okay?"

She nods once and wraps her legs tightly around my waist, only to arch her back to intensify the feeling. I sit back on my ankles, and she grabs the arm of the sofa behind her for leverage. I swiftly thrust into her and she clenches her inner muscles around me. It's all too much for me to hold back, and I increase the pace and moan loudly against her. With the third thrust, I can feel her coming close and I lift her hips off the couch in hopes of bringing her off the edge. I hear her call out my name and I let go, feeling the wave of release wash through her and coming in contact with my own. She becomes rigid beneath me and clenches her muscles, only to relax the following moment with a sigh.

Knowing that my body will be too heavy for her to support, I quickly shift our weight and I bring her on top to rest. Her head goes sideways on my chest, and her arm hangs off the edge of the couch. All of our legs can't fit, and I let one of mine slip down to rest my foot flat against the floor. I cradle her upper body against mine, running my free hand leisurely up and down her exposed back. She moves to trace her finger on my chest, and I shift my head on the couch to watch its path.

"Jess?" She's whispering.

"Yeah?"

She picks up her head and looks at me with her chin right below my collarbone. "Can I tell you something?"

I comb my left hand through her hair. "Uh huh."

She lays her head back down and breaks eye contact. "I think," she's whispering so lightly that I have to strain to hear her, "I think I love you."

My hand stops its movement in her hair, and I freeze. I hold my breath and my entire body tenses. "Huh."

She finally looks at me again and replies, "Yeah."

I sit up, effectively bringing her with me and I smile. My hand wanders from her hair to hold the side of my face, and she leans into my palm. She's biting her lower lip and I bend down to kiss her. She doesn't respond, and I gently ease out of the kiss. I look up to see that her eyes are welling up, and my thumb brushes the apples of her cheeks. "I think I love you too."

She sputters out a laugh and her tears fall down her face. I angle in to kiss her once more and she reacts immediately. She's holding my face in her tiny hands, but doesn't kiss me for long. Pulling back, her own hands go to wipe her face and she returns my smile.

She shivers and I reach down to scoop up my shirt. I hand it to her with a smile and I watch her do each button with concentration. The arms are too long for her and she leans back on the couch and snuggles into my shirt. She draws her knees up to her chest and hugs her shins against her body. I pick up my boxers and jeans and I stand to put them on.

Turning around I lean over to her for a kiss, "Pizza?"

"Yes, please."

I see her looking at me from the couch and I walk over to the kitchen counter to grab the phone. I rifle through one of the drawers for the number of the pizza place around the corner and I dial quickly. Ordering a large pizza with everything, I look over to find her wiggling her hips into her underwear. I smirk and almost don't hear the guy on the other end tell me that the food will arrive in twenty to twenty-five minutes. I toss the phone back on the counter, and I make my way back to the couch. She holds out her hand to me from her place on the sofa and I take it in my own warm palm. I sit next to her and she leans her head on my shoulder. My arm comes up to wrap around her back and I close my eyes for a minute.

She takes her head off my shoulder to look up and ask, "Didn't you invite me over for a movie?"

I smirk. "Yeah, but you were quite distracting."

She grins into my shoulder. "That good, huh?"

I grin like an absolute fool, and I don't mind that she can actually see me. "Yes." I shift uncomfortably next to her. With everything that has come to pass between us, I don't understand why I'm embarrassed to admit that.

She's biting down hard on her lip and she raises one eyebrow delicately.

Feeling that she's appearing way too proper after I've made such a declaration, I lean forward to whisper against her ear, "Fucking best." I nibble on her earlobe, and I move her hair away gently to kiss her behind the shell of her ear.

She shivers into my arms and flushes immediately. "Well then." Her hands gestures about as she continues. "You shouldn't have kissed me like that if you were planning on just watching a movie."

I chuckle. "I couldn't help it; I hadn't seen you since this morning and I didn't get the chance to kiss you at lunch." I grin wolfishly at her and I quickly move my body's weight against hers, making her topple over to lay back down on the couch again with me on top.

She shrieks in surprise, and just watches me from below as I undo the first couple buttons of my shirt that she's wearing. I open the shirt just enough so that one of her shoulders can slip through and the top swell of her breasts can be seen. I nuzzle the crook of her neck and I take my time memorizing exactly what she smells like after sex. Her skin tastes salty from the sweat, and I trace a tongue down the neck muscles.

She sighs and moves her hips slightly to the left, to lock with mine. She's tugging on my waist, and I let her feel the rest of my weight against her. Gentle hands explore the skin above the waist of my jeans, and I rest up on my bended elbows next to her face.

"I'm glad I'm here." She's trying to come up to kiss me, but I can tell it's hard since I'm effectively trapping her from the stomach down, and I bend down to meet her halfway. I let her take over the pace of the kiss and I just enjoy the moment, feeling her explore my mouth. Her kiss is tender and she licks my bottom lip to get me to open up. I comply and she tangles our tongues together, making the kiss increasingly hotter.

Her hands move down from my back to the front of my jeans, and I smirk against her lips as I feel her trying to undo the top button of my pants. She pulls back suddenly and I lift my head as I hear knocking on the door. I kiss her swiftly on the forehead and smile, "I'll be right back. Don't move."

She settles into the couch and I walk towards the door, reaching for my wallet. Not finding it in my back pocket, I remember that I had left it on my dresser as I came home this afternoon. "Rory? Can you do me a favor? My wallet's sitting right on top of the dresser." My hand is on the doorknob and Adso has reappeared out of nowhere to sit on the doormat, waiting for me to open the door.

"Yeah, I'll go get it." Her bare feet pad across the room and she disappears into my bedroom. I glance back at her retreating form to notice with a smirk that my dress shirt comes down to skim the tops of her thighs, covering just enough to make me want to see more.

Knowing that she'll be out any moment, I open the door. However, I'm not greeted by the sight of a teenage boy coming to deliver my pizza. Instead my father is standing there with a grin, "Hiya Son." He crosses the threshold. "I was just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by." He comes forward to hug me and my arms stay still at my side, shocked. His mouth is full and he brings up his hand to ask, "Did you know they still sell these hotdogs at those little carts? God, these are good." He takes a bite.

"This is an adorable picture of Adso." My head whips around as I see Rory walking out of the bedroom with my wallet in one hand and a framed picture of my dog that I keep in the other. She comes to a halt right outside my bedroom and blushes at being caught by my dad.

As someone who rarely lets it show that he's caught off guard, he doesn't miss a beat and waves. "Hey, nice to see you again."

Her arms cross nervously in front of her chest. "Hi Mr. Mariano."

"Nah please, that's my father. Its just Jimmy." Leave it to my dad to be charming even under these circumstances.

"Okay," She smiles and gestures in the direction of my room, "I'll just leave you guys alone then." I smile back at her in apology and she cocks her head to let me know where she'll be. The door closes softly behind her, and I turn back to my grinning dad.

"Nice." He nods his head and winks at me. "I take it she's the one who had you all hot and bothered on Thanksgiving."

I smirk. "What are you doing here Dad?"

"Oh, changing the subject, she must be something special."

I relent. "She's someone special." I correct his phrasing, emphasizing on the fact that she's a person and not a thing.

His mouth hangs open a bit like a fish, and he shakes his head back and forth. "I don't believe it," He clips me on the shoulder and I almost stumble back at the force, "my little Jessie is in love."

"Ah come on, Dad." I break the eye contact and make a face at his revelation.

"You are, aren't you?"

Knowing that he won't stop until I admit it, my hands come up in surrender. "Alright, alright. Yes."

"Wow, never thought I'd see the day. Hey, lets go celebrate. Take you for a drink." He's so excited that I laugh.

"Um Dad, you do remember that she's in my bedroom waiting, right?" I jog his memory.

"Oh right." He looks at the closed door. "Right." He gives me a suggestive smile. "And you certainly don't want to leave her alone. 'Atta boy."

I make a face at where this conversation is headed. "Okay Dad, stop before it gets creepy."

He laughs. "Hey before I forget, I came here to tell you that your mom and I are going away for a week and she asked if you would just drop by and check on the place a couple of times and water her new indoor plants."

"You're kidding, right?"  
"Hell, do I ever kid when it comes to your mom telling you to do stuff?"

I sigh. "When are you leaving?"

"Next weekend."

"Fine. I'll do it." I roll my eyes. "You came all this way to tell me that? Why didn't you just call me?"

"I had dinner near here with a potential client. He was a Yale-y and chose the location. Horribly stuffy dinner. That's why I needed to stop by the campus for that hotdog. And I came by to see my favorite son."

"I'm your only son."

"That we know of." He chuckles at his own awful joke.

Someone's at the door again, and I suspect it's the pizza delivery guy that I was expecting. My dad goes to open it himself. "Here, keep the change." He hands me the pizza, and slips his wallet back into his coat.

"Thanks."

"Yeah, no problem." He bends down to pet Adso. "Okay, I'll get outta here. Sure you can't wait for me to go."

I ignore his egging on. "See ya Dad."

"Later Son." He's about to close the door behind him, but pokes his head back around. "Oh, and you're going to want to bring your girl around for dinner soon, 'cause once your mother catches wind of this, she won't wait."

"Whoa, whoa, wait." I pull back on the door. "You can't tell Mom; not yet."

He makes a face and whines, "Why not? You know I hate keeping stuff like this to myself."

"You and Mom are like vultures. You'll pick her apart."

"Now, I very much deny that implication. I prefer to think of us as coyotes. Those vultures are very ugly." He chuckles.

"Be serious Dad, there's no way in hell I'm bring Rory home for dinner."

He huffs, "Well you just said you loved her, didn't you? You can't hide us forever."

"I can if I try." I scoff.

"Well, she's already met us at Thanksgiving so I assume the initial shock to be over."

"Yeah, but you guys weren't grilling her for information as my girlfriend."

He drops his interrogation for a moment. "Girlfriend, eh?" He sighs. "Okay, I'll make you a deal. I'll keep this to myself until after we come home from Aspen. Then you'll bring her 'round for dinner and I'll make sure that your mother will keep her coyote instincts on a tight leash."

I sigh, knowing that I can't back out too much. "Alright, deal. But talk to mom about being nice."

"How do you know she won't be nice? You've never brought a girl home before."

"Yeah, but I know what she's like around my dates. Even on the disasters that she set me up on, she still turned around and pumped them for information."

"Okay, okay." He backs up towards the door once more. "I'm leaving, and I'll call you later." He smirks and there's a twinkle in his eye. "As you were…" He makes a flourish with his arm, and I close the door.

I grab the pizza along with two cans of soda and head back towards my bedroom. Knocking softly twice, I twist the knob to find her sitting on my bedspread. "Hey, sorry about that."

"S'okay."

I hand her the pizza and join her on the bed. I lean against the headboard and she turns around to face me.

"Everything okay?" Her mouth is full of pizza, and I take a piece for myself from the box between us.

"Yeah, he just dropped by to ask me to do him a favor. They're going to Aspen and I'm to water the plants while they're away."

She giggles. "Oh."

"And I suppose I should also warn you that your presence is requested for dinner at my house." I thump my head against the wood slightly and the dull noise vibrates around us.

"Dinner with your parents?" She sounds doubtful.

I glance over at her. "Well, I'll be there too."

She smiles nervously. "I know, but it's dinner with your parents."

"Yes, I know. Awful."

Her head droops and she tugs at the arms of the shirt. "Do you think they'll like me?" Her voice is soft.

"Hey now," I move closer to her, "they'll love you." I take her piece of pizza and toss it momentarily back into the open box. "Of course, it won't seem so at first, 'cause my mom will ask all about your life and my dad will probably make some horribly inappropriate joke, but once you laugh and answer their questions, you'll fit right in."

"You think?" Her hand comes to rest on my knee. "I don't exactly come from your neighborhood."

"Thank god for that," I scoff, "or I suspect you wouldn't think that pizza and soda on my bed is good enough."

She smiles and picks a pepperoni off a slice to munch on it. I watch her in comfortable silence. She's started eating again, and I pick up another slice as well. As I finish, I nudge her with my foot and pop open the tab of my Coke, "You want the last one?"

"Yes please." She nods and holds out her hand.

---

"Here you go." I hand her my toothbrush.

"Is this yours?"

"Yeah, but I figured it'd be okay. I don't have another one, and it's either mine or the old dingy one that I once used to brush crap from Adso's teeth."

She takes it from my outstretched hand. "Hm." I hang back, not exiting the bathroom quite yet to see her examine my toothbrush in her grasp.

"I promise I don't have cooties." I tease her.

"I know that." Her hand comes up to swat at my chest.

I give her a fake glare. "Well, then brush your teeth so that we can go to bed."

She doesn't respond to my joke, and nods happily to run the toothbrush under the water and squeeze a bit of Colgate on it. I leave her in the bathroom, listening to the sounds of water being splashed about, and I adjust the covers on my bed. I turn to the closet to dig out another pillow and quickly sniff it to make sure Adso hadn't been poking around my closet to fill up the time that I leave him alone. Deeming it satisfactory, I throw it next to mine.

I examine the bed, and I move to take off my watch. I turn to see her leaning on the door of the bathroom, watching me in my element. "Thanks for sharing."

"Welcome." I wait for her to pad the length of my room, her bare feet slapping softly on the wooden floor to face me from across my bed.

I nod silently down at the corner of the bedspread beneath her fingers and I pull back on the covers on my side as well. I climb in and extend my arm to her and as I feel her weight upon me, I curl her into my chest. With her head just below my chin, she speaks. "Finals are next week."

"Yeah I know, I have them too."

"It's going to be hectic with all the studying."

"Late nights and quickies?" I joke.

She kicks my leg under the sheets. "Not like what you're thinking. Dirty boy."

"So are you saying you won't have much time to come out and play?"

She sighs. "I doubt it."

"Well then, we'll just have to celebrate once you're out of your last class."

"You do still owe me a movie."

I look down at her beaming face. "You're right, I do." I hug her against me, tight. "Do you prefer a movie over what we just did?"

She giggles loudly. "I guess not."


	11. Freedom

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 11: Freedom

Author: Knowhere

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN:** Not much to note this time around. Thanks for reading and hope you enjoy it!

Thank you Hallon for letting me bounce ideas off of you constantly.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

---

"What are you doing right now?"

"Well, I should be going over my notes, but I'm a bit distracted." Her voice enters directly into my ear from my cell phone.

"Are you?" I shake my head from right to left, checking for oncoming traffic. "With what?"

"With you." The sound is softer, and I imagine her leaning into the speaker lowering her voice so that her roommate can't hear her. "Do you realize that I haven't seen you since I spent that night at your place?"

I pull my coat closer to my body to protect myself from the howling wind. "Yes, I'm well aware of it. Tell me, when are you coming out of the nunnery to play with the rest of society?"

She giggles. "Meaning you?"

"Yes, meaning me." I reach the front of my apartment building and I dig into my bag for my keys while balancing the phone against my neck and shoulder. "Just come and have dinner with me tonight. I'll make pasta. I'm very good at that, you have yet to experience it."

"Bad idea."

I forego the elevator to take the stairs, prolonging my walk so that I can concentrate on her voice. "Bad idea to see me?"

"Bad idea to come over 'cause once I get there you'll have dinner ready and it'll be wonderful and I won't want to leave." She sighs. "I'll end up in bed with you, all tangled up and I'll be exhausted from a night of not sleeping at all."

"Get over here quickly 'cause your plan sounds amazing." I chuckle and ignore her speech of protest.

"Jess, I can't."

I arrive at my apartment and I unlock the door. "You'll still need to eat." I drop my bag on the kitchen counter. "Promise it'll be quick. We won't take off any articles of clothing." I grab a beer from the fridge and use my keychain to pop off the cap.

"Yeah, right." She scoffs.

I smirk but realize that she can't see me. "You're right, I lied. I'll try to feel you up as soon as I get the chance and we'll make out on the couch for a while. You remember my couch, right?" I tease her. "You seemed to really like the couch last time."

Imagining the blush on her cheeks, I hear her relenting. "Yes, I like the couch."

"Then come on over. You know where I live. I'll be here, Adso will be glad to see you, and the couch will be happy too."

She giggles into my ear and I shut my eyes thinking about the exact same sound coming out of her when we were in my bed. Her voice jolts me out of my daydream. "Well, I already have food here. I ordered from that Indian place I was telling you about."

"Perfect. Eat your food and once you're done you'll have to burn down the dorm to get rid of the smell, forcing you to come to my place."

"Jess…" She's whining a bit like a child. "I have to study. It's finals for god's sake. Very important."

"You think that now 'cause it's your first time around." I lean against my kitchen counter. "Once you pass your first semester at college, you'll feel differently."

"Like you? Slacker."

"Hey. I do my work." I take a sip of my beer. "I just know when to stop and have a break."

"You also remember everything you read from first glance."

I tilt my head in the direction of the phone pressed against my left ear. "That really has very little to do with it." I try to make her feel better by telling a tiny white lie.

"It has everything to do with it since it cuts your studying time in half." A beat. "I'm jealous."

"Come over and I'll teach you how to do it." I egg her on.

"No you won't and besides, you know that you can't learn something like that. You'll end up teaching me something in the bedroom."

"Well if that's what you want to learn, I'm in no position to deny that request." I shrug my shoulders.

The line goes quiet and I pull back to look at the face of my phone, fearing that I've lost reception. I hear a sigh in the background and I relax knowing that I still have her on the phone. "You're making it very hard to say no to you."

I give up, knowing that school and doing well is very important to her. I whisper in the speaker, "Just say the words 'I want to be alone tonight' and I'll leave you alone."

"I want to be alone tonight." She whispers just as quietly.

"Okay." I'm disappointed but I knew it was a loosing battle from the beginning.

"I'll call you later." It's her apology.

And I respond with my own. "Take your time."

"Thanks."

"Bye."

The line clicks off.

---

I highlight a couple key phrases in the textbook on my desk, and switch to my computer to make a notation. I glance over at the phone resting in its cradle and I try to make it ring telepathically. Knowing that it won't, I turn back to my computer screen with the blinking cursor taunting me to continue what I was writing.

I start at the sound of my cell phone vibrating against the surface of the window ledge above my desk, and I flip it open to find a new text message.

_Still awake?_

I reply with, _Yes. You pulling an all-nighter?_

I turn my attention to Adso lying on the floor next to my feet and my book bag. "You don't have to wait up for me buddy." I flick my wrist around to see that it's past midnight. "You can sleep on the bed tonight." I get up to walk to the bedroom, but I don't hear him following me. I look under the bed for his blanket that I was forced to donate to his use when he arrived as a puppy. He had curled up in it one day when I was out, and I was unable to get it back from him every night following that. With the torn blanket in hand, I go back to the study. "Here you go." I spread it out for him and he yanks on a corner with his teeth.

My phone signals a new message. _Decided to take advice. Coming out of isolation for coffee run. Join?_

_'Course. _I look at my fresh cup of coffee that I had just brewed and snicker at the coincidence.

_Meet at student union café in 15 minutes. _

Realizing that in reality it'll take me the full fifteen minutes to get to the student union on foot, I rush back to the bedroom for my coat. Grabbing my keys I make sure that my phone is in my pocket along with my wallet. I don't bother turning off the lights since Adso has an inclination to bark when he's alone in the dark.

Descending down the front steps of the building, I shiver at the cold and wrap the scarf around my neck. God, it's freezing. I vaguely think about the things that I wouldn't do for this girl and I come up with the answer of none.

The campus is basically deserted this time of night save for a few students wandering around stretching their legs in hopes of letting their brains simmer down from the intense studying.

I arrive at the front door to find her perched on the steps, with two cups of coffee in her gloved hands. "Hey."

I check my watch. "You're early. I still have a couple of minutes."

She looks down at her feet and comes back up to smile brightly. "I was a bit anxious to see you."

I sit down next to her, and I shift as I feel the cold concrete against me. "It is nice to see you." I take no effort in hiding the suggestive tone from my reply.

She hands me one of the Styrofoam cups.

I nod in thanks. "Thought you were staying in your castle until all your tests were over, Rapunzel." I take in the sight of her flushed cheeks from the cold and her hair pulled back in a side ponytail.

She laughs low in her throat, but takes her time drinking her coffee instead of replying. "I might have missed you."

"Might have?" I tease her reluctance but she doesn't confirm what I know to be true already.

Scooting forward, she just leans her head on my shoulder. "Do you have a final tomorrow?"

"Yeah, at noon and then two-thirty. And then my last is on Friday morning at nine."

"That's it?"

"I had two on Monday and one this afternoon." I look over at her but am unable to catch her eyes since her head is still on my right shoulder. "You?"

"One tomorrow morning. But my toughest day is Friday. I think those two will be the hardest." She yawns.

"Have you been sleeping well?"

"I catch a couple of hours here and there. Paris is driving me crazy with her constant revision of her flashcards. She quizzes me without my permission and makes me asks her questions as well. She's like a robot." Her arm comes around to loop against my own and she snuggles in. "You think there's a large robot population here at Yale?"

"Possible." I follow her insane trail of thought.

"Yeah, I think Paris is their leader."

I bend down to kiss the top of her head. "If you need a quiet place to sleep you can always come over."

She just sighs next to me.

"I'm serious. I won't bother you at all. I'll even sleep on the couch if you want."

She lifts her head up. "Thank you."

I stay silent for a beat. "So, this is the end of the semester. College as hard as you thought?"

"It's tough," she looks over at me and catches my eyes, "but it has its highlights."

I smile back at her but I don't respond.

"It's quiet." She looks around.

"It's late." I hang my head for a moment to relax the muscles. "Come on." I reach down for her hand and I pull her up with me. "I don't want to be responsible for you falling asleep during your test tomorrow."

She sighs but doesn't object as I wrap my free arm around her waist and lead her in the general direction of her dorm.

---

"Hello?"

"Finals are over!" Her excitement is evident over the phone. "I'm free."

I chuckle. "That you are." I reach over to grab the remote off the coffee table and I mute the television. "How did it go?"

"Um, good I think. I hope. Let's not talk about it, I don't wanna jinx anything. The point is that I'm done and I survived."

"Yeah." I settle into the couch cushions just listening to her voice. It's been a couple of days since we've had any kind of contact and I realize that I've missed her more than I let myself believe.

"Jess?"

I snap out of the moment. "Yeah, sorry. I'm here."

"Are you busy?"

I shake my head. "No, I was just listening."

"To…?"

"To you." I lean my head back.

I hear her laugh nervously. "Okay."

"Where are you?" I want to see her.

"I'm right here." Her voice is playful.

"And where would here be?" The doorbell rings behind me and I get up with the phone cradled against my neck to go answer it.

"Well…"

I open the door to find her snapping her phone shut.

The phone falls from its place as I straighten up and I react quickly to catch it before hitting the floor. "Hey."

She stands with her hands clasped. "Hello."

With the phone in my right hand, I cup my left hand against her cheek and lean over the threshold to kiss her. The kiss is tentative and shy because of the time we've spent apart and I let it slowly take its course. Her hands have come up to circle my waist and she leans into my warmth. I pull back briefly from the kiss to look at her and she smiles broadly. She tightens her hold on me and nudges her nose against mine gently and I smile softly as I feel her coming into my body for another kiss. She moves her mouth against mine increasing the pressure, and my hand drifts from her cheek to her hair. I notice that it's down and wonder if she did it for my benefit. I open my mouth slightly for a brief second, but I don't make another move to deepen the kiss. Her hands move underneath my shirt and I feel her finger the elastic of my boxers. I pull back from the kiss, but I lean my forehead against hers and I leave my eyes closed for the moment. I just absorb the feeling. She leans into me and I bring my arms up to hug her tightly.

"Can we go inside?" Her voice is slightly muffled against the fabric of my shirt.

"Um hum." I leave my right arm around her shoulders and I kick the door closed.

The stillness of our moment is ruined as Adso comes thundering from his place on the couch to greet the visitor. "Oh, hi." She leans down and ruffles his ears. He's trying to lick her hands and his tail thumps against the floor signaling just how excited he is. He's sniffing at her pocket and he digs at her jacket with his paws.

"Hey, Adso. Stop." I reach down to pull him from her, but he nudges my hand away with his head.

"It's okay. He just smells my bag of pretzels, don't you puppy?" Her voice has taken a higher pitch and I just watch from above as she plays with my dog.

Adso gives a small yelp as she pulls the snack from her pocket and breaks off a piece. Impatient, he climbs up and rests his paws on her knees and takes a bite. With the pretzel in his mouth he scampers away to his corner in the kitchen to enjoy the treat.

"Sorry about that. He gets crazy sometimes when there's food involved."

She puts the bag back into her pocket. "Nah, he's cute."

I walk behind her, ushering her with my hand on the small of her back. "You want something to drink?"

"Sure, water is fine."

I open the fridge to hand her a bottle. "So, you busy tonight?"

She smiles and breaks eye contact to twist off the cap. "You tell me."

I lean against the sink with my arms crossed. "I was thinking since the semester is officially over we could go out and celebrate."

"You have plans?"

"I plan to go out with you."

"Can I go back to my room and change first?"

I nod. "Yeah. I'll come by in an hour?"

She's already crossing the kitchen preparing to leave. "Great."

---

I shift gears. "You look nice." I glance over to the passenger side briefly.

"Thanks." She fidgets with the hem of her sweater and smoothes out the wrinkles. I see her trace her finger in the shape of a heart against my window and it leaves a streak. "It's getting cold outside."

I keep my eyes on the road. "Yeah. Maybe it'll snow soon."

She's still peering out the window and she whimsically remarks, "I like the snow."

I pull up to a parking spot to my left hand side and I turn the ignition off. Not making the effort to move from my position, I turn to her. "Ready?"

"Yep." She goes to open her door.

I wait for her to come around the front of the car and I hold out my hand to her. She takes it and I lace our fingers together, feeling the heat pass between us. I reach for the door but she beats me to it and smiles as she holds it open for me. I bite back my remark and she reappears at my side as I ask for a table.

Sitting down across from me she slides into the booth and I take off my coat. She scoots down a little bit more so that we're face to face and all of a sudden I feel her foot kick my shin. "Shit." The pain throbs quickly from my shin up my leg and I reach under the table to grab at my injury.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry." She leans across the table only to retract and duck down to look at my leg. "I'm sorry. Does it hurt a lot?"

Yes it does. "No, it's fine. It's okay." I respond through gritted teeth.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what happened. I was just stretching and I thought it was the leg of the table." She looks really guilty.

"It's okay, don't worry about it." I ignore the pain and reach for the menu instead. Hoping that she won't feel sorry about it anymore I glance over the dinner selection and take a sip of my water to regain a bit of normalcy.

She's opened her menu as well, but keeps on sneaking looks at me. "I've heard that their shrimp is really good."

"I'm allergic to shellfish." I reply without even thinking.

"You are?" She sounds surprised.

I lower my menu. "Yeah. I pretty much don't eat seafood."

"Oh."

I realize that I've made it sound like she can't order the shrimp. "But I mean, if you want to try it, go ahead."

She's quick to reply. "No, no. It's fine. Um…" She turns the page. "Their pasta looks good. Ever had it?"

"Yeah, the linguini is great."

"I don't like white sauce."

I blink. "Oh." I lay my menu to rest flat on the table. "I'm sure you can ask to substitute it for red."

"Maybe."

I butter a piece of bread and take a bite. I realize that we're both nervous and I can't seem to pinpoint the reasoning behind it. Maybe it's because we've never been out together on a real date and we just don't know how to behave. The waiter comes over and I stop my musings as I order the blackened chicken and listen to her ask for the spaghetti.

"So." She folds her arms on the table.

I mirror her actions. "So."

She smiles delicately. "What are your plans for Christmas?"

"Probably just the same. My parents will go out of town but they usually come back for Christmas day and I'll go home and have dinner with them. But other than that, I'll just stick around my apartment and relax." I reach over for my water glass. "You?"

"Home. Spend some time with my mom. Actually, I have to get back later tonight. She's been planning this whole day for us tomorrow for a while so I have to drive down there after this."

My heart drops a little hearing that she's going to be leaving so soon. "Huh." I take a sip of water just because I don't know what else to do.

"This place is really pretty." She seems oblivious and turns around taking in her surroundings. Twisting only her upper body, the deep V-neck of her sweater reveals more skin than it had before.

I watch her. Reaching over I take her hand that is resting on the tabletop. She smiles briefly as I rub my thumb across the skin of her wrist. "My parents took me here to celebrate when we found out I'd be going to Yale."

"I had ice cream and cake at Luke's when I received the letter."

I chuckle. The conversation dies down around us and my eyes drift down the neck of her sweater again. God, she's driving me nuts just sitting there. I spy the waiter approaching the table and I rearrange my water glass to make room for the plates. "Hey, do you think you can make some time to fit me into your Christmas plans?" I joke.

She shrugs. "I dunno. I'll have to consult my schedule."

I playfully nudge her foot with mine under the table gently.

---

I unlock the door and step back for her to go through first.

"Hi." She squats down and I nearly trip over her as I reach for the light switch. Adso has taken the liberty to lick her face and sniff her purse for any signs of food.

I walk around the two of them and drop my keys on the counter. "It's really coming down out there." I take off my coat and glance out the window. It's already covered in a light layer of frost.

Not bothering to stand up, she continues to pet Adso. "Hm, yeah. But I think it'll be fine. I've driven in the snow before."

I'm suddenly very uncomfortable with the thought. "Yeah, but it's too bad out there. Your visibility will be barely enough even to see the car in front of you."

"Well," she finally stands up and the dog trots happily next to her, "I think it'll be okay." Even she sounds unsure.

I take a hold of her hand and pull her closer to me. "I'd feel better if you'd just stay here and drive out when the roads are clear."

"Is this a ploy to get me to spend the night?" She giggles.

I'm serious. "No it's not."

Biting her lip and considering my response, "Okay. Can I use your phone to call my mom?"

Reaching behind me I grab the phone out of its cradle.

"Thanks."

I give her some privacy and turn around to dig out of the bag of dog food. With Adso munching away at his dinner, I go over to the couch to turn on the T.V to the evening news. Craning my head to the sound of her voice I hear bits and pieces of her conversation.

"Mom, I'm fine…No, I'm not in the dorms." I hear her hedging away from the topic, but apparently Lorelai doesn't drop it because I hear Rory mention, "Jess's apartment. Well, where else am I going to stay? The dorms are all cleared out. And plus it's snowing. Hard." She comes back into my line of sight and plops down next to me on the couch. She half-heartedly continues the conversation and reaches for my right hand. She tangles our fingers together and brings it up to her face to examine it closer. "Yes, I'll call you later…I'll be fine…Mom!" Her face flames and I can only guess as to what was said to extract that reaction. "Oh Mom, gross! Okay I'm hanging up now…Yes I am, Yes I am…Okay, love you too. Bye." She glances over at me. "She says 'hi.'"

I raise a skeptical eyebrow. "She does?"

"Well, more or less. But there was a greeting directed at you, followed quickly with a warning that she would hang, draw, and quarter you if harm should befall on her only daughter."

I laugh. "Yeah, that sounds more like her."

She snuggles against my side and nudges my arm away. I shift my weight to accommodate her and I drape my right arm around her shoulders. A jingle of metal makes us both look at the intruder and we watch in silence as Adso contemplates very briefly about the best way to jump up on the couch next to us. He chooses to settle next to her and I wonder in amusement what kind of charm she has over my dog. Adso usually doesn't like it when strangers command my attention, and watching him lay his head in her lap instead of mine is certainly a first. She doesn't seem to notice and just lifts her hand for him to get more comfortable. She sighs in content against me.

"Tired?"

"Yeah, it's been a long week."

I turn the television off and toss the remote onto the coffee table. "Come on, let's go to bed." For a second, I'm stunned at how easily I said that sentence. It just rolled right off my tongue as if I've been saying it to her for a long time. I smirk at the feeling of being comfortable with her.

She doesn't seem to notice. "Okay." She stands up and instead of reaching for me she pats Adso's head to get his attention. "Bedtime." She doesn't even turn to check if I'm following and I watch my dog trail her steps as she nears the bedroom.

I turn off the lights and make sure that the front door is locked. I leisurely walk into my bedroom and into the adjoining bathroom to find her smiling at the mirror.

"What's this?"

"That would be a toothbrush." I play dumb on purpose.

She smiles. "It's pink." She points to my toothbrush sitting in its holder. "And I know for a fact that yours is blue, so this can't be your toothbrush."

I lean against the frame of the door and cross my arms across my chest. "No, it's not mine."

"And this towel?" She lifts up the pale yellow bath towel.

"It's new."

She waits for an elaboration and when I don't give her one, she huffs in frustration. She looks put-off here in my bathroom with a toothbrush in one hand and a bath towel in the other. Holding her look for another beat, she drops it suddenly and a wide grin breaks out on her face. "For me?"

I nod once. "For you."

She jumps up and down and squeals. "Thank you."

I laugh and hold out my arms to hug her to me. "It doesn't take much to make you happy, does it?"

She ignores my comment and happily turns to spread the towel out on the rack next to mine. She takes her time smoothing out the wrinkles. I watch her reflection in the mirror and run my toothbrush under the water. I dab on a bit of toothpaste. She comes over and playfully bumps my hip with hers to make me move over. I smile and take the moment to gaze at her in the mirror as we brush our teeth. She swishes water a lot longer than I do. I wait patiently for her to spit, and I catch a strap of her tank top that has fallen. Letting my fingers linger on her shoulders, I trace a circle around a single freckle that she has on the back of her arm.

"Done?" She pulls me out of the moment and asks as if she's been waiting for me.

I flip off the bathroom light switch. "Yup."

Catching me off guard she hugs me from behind and continues to trail me step for step. We awkwardly walk the short distance from the connected bathroom and she kisses one of my shoulder blades. I can't feel it because I'm still wearing my t-shirt, but I certainly feel her hands smoothing out the spot. Turning around in the dark, I use my hands to feel my way up to her face. Blindly going for a kiss, I get her nose instead and she giggles but doesn't do much to help my search. Finally reaching her lips she holds me tightly against her, using hands, arms, and body to press the length of my torso gently against hers. I leave my hands framing my face, but she wanders around going from my shoulders to my chest and finally to my waist. Shy fingers toy with the hem of my shirt and boldly slip under to seek the warmth of my skin. She's also taken control of the kiss and I enjoy her explorations. She knows how to give a kiss and I smile, as I briefly wonder why I never noticed before. It's all lips with just a hint of tongue. My shirt is being tugged on and I raise my arms to let her draw it off my body. I walk backwards with her in the direction of the bed and she turns and sits down, slowly bringing my weight down with her.

She scoots up towards the head of the bed when a furry mass suddenly catches in the corner of my eye. It yelps but doesn't move.

"Ahh!" Disconnected, she swivels around to see Adso poking his head out of the burrow of blankets that he's made for himself. Unknowing to what he's interrupted he gets up only to circle his place right in the middle of the bed to plop back down again, but keeping an eager eye on the both of us. Smiling broadly she pets him, "Adso." She scratches his back and feels his ears. He whimpers and rolls to offer his stomach for a rub.

I shake my head, but leave my spot to walk over to the side of the bed. Trying to nudge him off to one side brings an irritated response as I push him harder. "Come on." I gesture with my thumb. "Off the bed." He just turns his back to me and lays his head down by her outstretched arm.

Lifting her head up to glance over at me she smiles, but turns her attention back to the dog. "Okay Sweetie, time to move." She nudges him very gently. No response.

"Hey." I poke him from the other side. Instead of ignoring the protest like he did her, he turns to nip at my finger. "Oh, come on." I'm getting annoyed. "Let's go." I lift up on my knees and scoop him up into my arms. Turning to the side of the bed, I plop him onto the ground with a slight humph.

She cranes her head to get a look at him. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. He'll be fine." I scoot back over to the middle of the bed, where she's laying, and dismiss the whimpers coming from the floor.

With a broad smile gracing her face, she leans back and wraps her arms around my neck to bring me down for a hug. "Are you okay?"

I raise an eyebrow. "I think I'm getting there." I lean down and kiss her cheek.

She's surprised that I didn't land on her mouth. And she pouts. Brushing some hair off her forehead, I kiss each eyelid. She's squirming underneath me. Bending my elbows I delicately kiss her on the lips and she sighs into our kiss. I'm taking my time and just enjoying the moment when I hear a frantic clawing against my bedspread. She breaks the kiss. "I don't think he'll ever forgive me for taking his place on the bed. Where was he the other night?"

I chuckle. "I bought him a new chew toy and lured him away from the room with a bunch of snacks."

She giggles but doesn't respond. Instead she runs gentle fingers underneath my eyes and across my cheekbones. "You look tired."

I'm about to say something sarcastic, but bite back the initial response. "Yeah, long week." I bend down to nudge her nose with mine.

"Right. Finals."

I kiss her briefly. "Long week without you."

She settles down against the covers. "If I were any less tired I'd fall for a line like that." Her eyes drift shut. Another whimper brings her eyes open again. She moves and buries her face into the crook of my neck. "Do me a favor?"

I'm getting tired hovering over her, and I shift and rest my weight half on her and half on the bed. "Sure."

"Can we just sleep tonight?" A weary hand comes to rub her eyes.

I chuckle. "Okay." I won't admit that I'm a bit relieved at her request since I'm as tired as she seems.

"Thank you." She retracts her arms and gathers the covers around her shoulders. Reaching for my hand she whispers, "Night."

I pull her hand towards my lips and graze her knuckles with a kiss. I tuck the blankets to nestle against her side, but more importantly I create an empty space next to her. Whistling softly the bed dips as Adso jumps up and lays his head on her upturned hip. She reaches back to rest her hand on his head. Seeing that he's settled, I lay down to face her. "Good night."

---

Looking over my shoulder, I see that Adso has somehow wormed his way between the two of us during the night and now instead of cuddling me, she has one arm resting on my dog's body, bringing in his warmth into her body. His. Not mine. I make a face. Lying back down so that I'm face to face with my canine, I scratch his ears to hopefully wake him. It works and surprisingly enough, he just opens his eyes to stare at me, not moving a muscle. He seems too comfortable. "Hey, that's my girl you're snuggling up with." He just shakes his head at me, jingling his tags and collar, and burrows his nose under the blankets that he's hoarding.

The noise wakes her, and she glances over him to look at me. "Hey."

"I see you're getting to know my dog really well." There's an edge to my voice.

She smiles and I can tell she sees right through me. "You jealous of me or the dog?"

"Dog."

"You're kidding, right?"

I reach over Adso to touch her shoulder. Running my palm leisurely down her arm, I reply, "He is the one getting more attention."

She giggles. "You dork." She pushes him gently and he takes his time getting up to find a spot to sleep at the foot of the bed. Shifting her focus from the dog to me, she looks over at me. "There. Happy?"

I pull her into my chest and she snuggles in. I kiss her forehead.

Her reply is muffled, "I'll take that as a 'yes.'"

A couple minutes pass and I note that the snow has stopped and the sunlight is now streaming in through the cracks of frost on my window. "You in a hurry to get back to Stars Hollow?"

She rests her chin on my collarbone and I can feel her response. "No, I suppose not."

"Think you can spend today with me and drive back tonight?"

"Miss me already?" She asks cheekily.

My hands tangle in her already knotted bed hair. "Terribly."

Kissing me briefly on the lips, she smiles. "You're corny."

I laugh. "Don't worry, it's just an early morning side effect. It goes away."

"Good 'cause I wouldn't know what to do without my sarcastic Jess." She grips my forearms and gives me a squeeze.

I bend my elbows to lift up and she's supporting her own weight by resting flat palms next to mine on the bed. "I'm still me, Gilmore."

"Good." She bends her head and her hair tickles my chest. She's staring. "Hi."

I lay back down on the bed so that I can bring my hand up to her face. "Hello." I trace a finger down the side of her face to the shell of her ear.

Squirming she complains, "That tickles." Kissing the side of my neck, she distracts me and I can barely hear her question. "What are we doing today?"

"I need to swing by my parent's house to check up on it, but then we can do whatever you want."

"Sounds good."

---

"This one?" She holds up the heavy silver frame.

"Uh, family vacation. Hawaii."

She looks at it and turns the picture back to my line of sight. "But you're in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. You're dressed in all black." She's pointing with an incredulous expression on her face.

I bite back a grin. "Yeah." I nervously scratch the back of my head. "I wasn't into the whole family thing at that time. Bit of a rebellious streak back then."

Gently setting the picture back down, she raises an eyebrow at my outfit. "Yeah. Back then." She reaches out to tug on my black zip-up hoodie and rests her cupped palm on the hip of my dark stonewashed jeans. Her expression changes from sly to barely controlled glee. "Is this what I think it is?"

I roll my eyes. And I make sure she can see my expression. "If you think it's a picture that my mom keeps out to embarrass me, then yes it is what you think."

She's jumping up and down and I reach my arms around her to stop her bouncing. "It's little Jessie naked in the tub." Giving me a quick peck on the cheek, she examines the picture closer. "Look at you. So cute."

"Alright, alright." I take the picture out of her hands and leave it face down. "And don't call me Jessie."

She turns to face me. "Why can't I call you Jessie?" Turning back without hearing my response, she rescues the picture by turning it back up and puts in front and center. "And plus, if your mom turns out to like me, I'm going to ask to see all of your embarrassing pictures."

I don't miss the nervous edge to her playful statement. "She will like you."

She shrugs.

I turn her around. "Yes, she will." Taking her hand, I lead her into the kitchen where Mom supposedly left the spray bottle and the watering can for me. "And you can't call me Jessie because that would make you Jessie's Girl."

Tugging on my hand, she sways her hips and sings, "And she's watching him with those eyes, and she's loving him with that body, I just know it." She's unbuttoning the top buttons of her sweater and playfully slips it off her sweater, "You know I wish that I had Jessie's Girl…" She slips the sweater off one shoulder but then pulls it back up with a laugh.

I smirk at her but don't comment on the fact that she's singing horribly off key.

Smiling, "I think I can be Jessie's Girl." She giggles but drops the topic as I continue to lead her. Taking in her surroundings with a constant turning head, "So this is where you grew up?"

"Uh, no. I grew up in upstate New York but my parents moved a couple years ago. I've never lived in this house."

"Really? It's so nice."

"Well, other than summers and vacations, this isn't what I really consider to be home. Especially more so since I got my apartment."

Almost running into me, she slows down her steps. "You guys still have the home in New York?" She's leaning against my side.

I look over at her and I tangle our fingers together as I rest against the counter in the kitchen. "Yeah, they still have it. Dad does business here and in New York, so they stay there a good part of the year."

"Wow." She leans her head on my shoulder, but picks it back up to look at me. "What does your dad do again?"

"Basically he has a company that buys other companies and sells them off again. To tell you the truth, it's confusing and I never really understood just exactly what he does. I just know that he kinda fell into the business, got pretty lucky, and here we are today." I gesture with my free hand.

"So you guys are…wealthy." She says it like a statement.

I chuckle. "Dad's family comes from moderately old money." I glance down at her. "Not really old, old money, but there was enough. He was expected to go into the family business that has something to do with steel and other metal production but he went off to do his own thing for a while. Had a crazy idea of owning a fast-food joint but that went to hell, and he had a friend who convinced him to go into business with him, which is what he does now. And with a little start up help from my grandpa, he turned his business into a profit after several years."

"You're not joining your dad's business though, right?"

I snort. "Hell no. I might not know exactly what I want to do yet, but I'm not doing that. Too corporate. Stuffy. Sometimes I can't imagine Dad doing it either, but he's good at it."

"I like your dad; apart from the horribly embarrassing moment the other day, he seems like a nice guy." She giggles.

"Yeah, he is."

She turns to face me and I hug her tightly. "Your dad and mom seem so different. I mean, your dad is so…free-spirited, I guess. And you mom seems a bit…"

"Uptight?" I chuckle at her searching for a more gentle way to put it.

"I wasn't going to say that, but now that you bring it up."

I move my arms down to circle her waist. Leaning back our bodies become disconnected, but I tug her lower half to fit into mine. "I know she seems like that. And don't get me wrong she really is sometimes. But she has this side that people don't really see or understand until you really know her and that's the side I think Dad fell in love with years ago. He might seem loose and that he doesn't care, but he has a side to him that's a Type A hoping to escape. And Mom can be fun sometimes. They seem different on the surface, but they compliment each other well. And deep down, they actually have a lot in common."

"So do you think opposites attract?"

Somehow I get the feeling we're no longer talking about my parents. "Yeah, I think they attract, but I also think it takes similarities to make a relationship last."

"Oh." She looks a bit crestfallen.

I know that she's thinking about our differences in financial backgrounds. Smirking, I lean back into her with my chest and brush a soft kiss on the nape of her neck. "I think we're pretty similar, don't you?"

She ignores my question and asks one of her own instead. "You do?"

"Yeah. For instance, I know you have a book in that purse of yours. And," I shift our weight to tug out the slim paperback I had tucked in the back pocket of my jeans. I show her the book and toss it onto the granite countertop. "You're a bit of a night owl, though I know you get into early bird mode when you're stressed. Just like me. You'd rather stay at home than go out, and I'm a big homebody. I can stay in my apartment for days and not feel bored at all. And you like to try out new foods, whereas I rather stick to what I know."

"Hey, that's not a similarity." She's pouting.

I smirk. "I know, but I find that very attractive."

She's leaning into me and I give into the kiss. Her hands worm their way under my shirt and I squirm at her cold fingers. Taking her face into my hands, I increase the pressure of our kiss and take a couple steps forward, forcing her to walk backwards towards the center island counter in the kitchen. The back of her knees bump the island and I take my hands away from her lower back to rest flat palms on cold granite. One of her legs bends and curls around my right calf and one of her hands tangle into my hair, tickling my scalp with short nails. Without thinking, I grasp her waist and lift her up onto the counter and I kiss the side of her neck. Now eyelevel with her chest, she encircles my upper torso with her arms and I'm pushing her gently to lie back on the countertop. Instead of complying, she pushes against me and stays sitting. I feel her legs cradle my hips and I'm oddly thinking about how the counter really is the perfect height to be doing this. Not able to control myself, I rock into her and she whimpers into our kiss. The pressure of the zipper of my jeans is uncomfortable to say the least, but I can't get over the delicious feeling of this even though neither one of us has lost any of our clothes. I break the kiss and move to her neck when the vague sound of humming finds me through our foggy haze. She's pulling back as if she's been burned and looks at me. "What's that?"

"Garage, I think."

"Your parents?"

"They weren't supposed to be back until early next week."

She's dressed now, but looks nervous and a bit scared as she grips my left hand. We're walking quickly to the direction of the garage and I step in front of her as I open the door. "Honey. I didn't know you'd be here."

Looking over my shoulder, I see her peeking around to see both my parents coming out of their car. "Hey Mom."

"Hello Jess." Mom leans in to kiss my cheek but stops as she sees that I'm holding Rory's hand. "Oh, hello."

I bring her forward gently and rest a reassuring hand on her lower back. "Rory, you remember my mom. Mom," I gesture back and forth at the space between them. "Rory."

"Hi Mrs. Mariano. It's nice to see you again." She's trying to sound less nervous and she offers a hand to Mom.

"Yes, you too." Mom raises her eyebrow at me while she shakes Rory's hand.

Dad comes from around Mom to cheerfully greet Rory. "Hey there again."

A slight blush raises in her cheeks. "Hi."

"Well since everyone's here, why don't the two of you stay for dinner?"

"Actually Mom, we kind of had plans."

"Nonsense. I know you're lying." She smiles at me.

I roll my eyes. "How do you know?"

"I just do. I'm your mother."

"Yes, fine I'm lying. But I was planning on having plans with Rory later today."

For the first time since the introductions, she speaks up. "Jess, we can always do something later. Dinner sounds nice."

I give her a bemused look. "You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay all settled. Jimmy, can you order dinner?" Mom turns to Rory. "Come on Dear, let me show you around the house." Settling Rory's hand into the crook of her elbow, Mom whisks her away leaving Dad and I in her wake.

"Dad, what the hell? I thought you guys weren't coming back until later."

He chuckles. "Quit whining, Son. Snow wasn't that good, bit slushy, so your mother decided to come home early. Plus she has that benefit dinner to attend tomorrow night and decided not to miss it."

I sigh.

---

I'm sitting on the couch with Dad nursing a cold beer while Mom has disappeared somewhere with my girlfriend in tow. She suddenly appears in front of us with a big smile. "Jess, how come you never mentioned that you hated reading until your parents locked up your video games and filled your room with books instead?"

Resting my head on the back of the couch with a sigh I complain. "She told you, huh? Guess you guys got to know each other."

"How long did you think you'd keep that away from me?"

Glancing over at my grinning parents watching our interaction, I reply pointedly at the double meaning. "As long as I could."

Breaking our eye contact, Mom comes to stand in front of us. "The food ordered, Jimmy?"

"Yup. Coming in about fifteen minutes."

"Jess, why don't you come help me get the plates from the top cabinet?" Mom gives me a meaningful look.

"Uh, sure." I get up to squeeze Rory's hand as I leave her and Dad alone.

Walking the short distance to the kitchen, Mom grabs my arm and tugs me along. "I like that girl. How come you didn't tell us that you were seeing her at Thanksgiving?"

I roll my eyes. "That's because we weren't seeing each other at Thanksgiving."

She silently questions me.

"Really, Mom. We weren't. I just knew her. Kinda."

"And now?"

"Now we're together." The corners of my mouth threaten to break out into a grin and I bite my lower lip.

She stops walking and makes me stop as well. "This is serious, isn't it Jess?" She caught my look.

"Now why would you say that?"

"Because of all the girlfriends you've had you have never brought one home."

I evade her questioning. "I didn't bring her home. I came to water your plants and she came with me."

"Stop being difficult."

I smirk. "Where would be the fun in that Mom?"

We continue to walk and I fall behind her just half a step. Her voice jolts me out of the silence. "She's a bit nervous though, isn't she?"

I chuckle. "You can be intimidating," I wrap an arm around her shoulder playfully. "You're pretty scary as a person, not to mention as her boyfriend's mother." I kiss Mom's cheek.

---

"So Rory, what are you studying?"

I reach for her hand under the table and give her a small squeeze.

"Well, journalism with a minor in political science."

"That's great." Mom glances over at Rory but clearly speaks to me. "It's good that you have direction and know exactly what you want to do."

Rory looks over at me and I return her glance, proud that Mom's impressed. Shifting my eyes to my parents I catch their amused look.

Dad speaks up for the first time since we've sat down. "Rory, have I told you the time where little Jessie broke his arm?" He obviously knows he hasn't told her before but he's enjoying watching me squirm.

Smiling, she turns to Dad but still with her hand warmly in mine resting on my knee. "Jess broke his arm?"

"Nothing heroic; far from it. He fell out of a tree while he was trying to build a tree house using small sticks and leaves he picked right off the branches."

She giggles.

"The worst part was that he tried to hide the fact that he was hurt and he actually went an hour without telling us until he passed out right on the kitchen floor and I found him sprawled on the tiles as I came home from work a little bit later."

"Jess likes to pretend he's tough." Mom chirps in.

Dad finishes her thought. "But he's not really. So be careful with him Rory."

"Dad!"

"What?" He feigns a look of innocence.

Rory smiles down at her lap, but bashfully peers sideways at me. "I will."

"They don't know what they're saying. They're senile." I joke.

"Better watch it, Son. Your mother and I know enough stories to embarrass the hell out of you." Dad's getting a kick out of all of this. "And don't forget about the pictures. Albums full."

I hang my head and admit defeat.

"I told you I'd get the stories and pictures out of them." She whispers in my ear.

---

"Sorry about today."

"What are you talking about? I had a blast."

I grab a hold on some of her belt loops and tug her closer. "Yeah, great fun watching you get a kick out of all the embarrassing and demeaning stories and pictures my parents dragged out for your sick pleasure."

Giggling, it's high and sweet and rings in my ears. "You had fun too."

"Nope." I shake my head.

She bumps her hip into mine. "Stubborn." She wraps her arms around my waist too. "I have to go."

"Alright." I let go.

But she doesn't. "I really do have to go."

Chuckling, "Then why don't you let go?"

Leaning forward she speaks in my chest. "I don't wanna."

"Come on." I reach around her to open the driver side door. Holding it open for her I glance over, "Lorelai won't ever forgive me if I keep you here another day."

Sighing, she nods and climbs in. Looking up, "You'll think about what I said?"

With one arm braced on the open car door and the other on the roof of her small blue car, I remind her, "You might want to ask your mom first before you go ahead and invite your boyfriend home for Christmas."

"Yeah I have to remember to invite my other boyfriend, but you're a backup in case he can't."

Even though I'm smiling, I make a face. "Don't be flip."

She gives me a puppy-dog face. "Sorry." She brightens up immediately. "Don't worry, Mom will be fine about it. Come experience Christmas at the Gilmores."

"I'll have to clear it with my mom first. I've never missed a Christmas."

"Right." She actually looks kind of sad. "Well, it was just a thought."

I bend my knees so that she's peering down at me instead of the other way around. "I'll think about it." I don't add the fact that it makes my stomach all knotty just thinking about spending time with her family. It all seems so…serious. Spending the holidays with a girlfriend; that's gotta be some sort of step up, right?

"Okay then." She turns the ignition. "I'll call you."

"Okay."

She leans over for a quick peck. "Bye."

"Bye. Drive safe."

---

**AN: **Liked it? Tell me.


	12. Protect

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 12: Protect

Author: Knowhere

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN:** Not much to report this time around. C12: Protect follows closely, but not immediately, where we left off in C11: Freedom.

Big thanks to Hallon. For your ear, your feedback, and your presence. Thanks.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

---

"So what have you been up to Jess?"

Shaking my head gently, "Not much, just the usual."

"Really?" He looks at me mischievously and I get a feeling in my gut that something's about to happen. "Are you sure?"

I narrow my eyes. "Well, I did get new shoes last week, but yeah, I'm sure." I roll my eyes at the end of my sarcastic remark.

He ducks down under the table to glance at my shoes and reply with similar sarcasm, "Lovely." He looks over at me. "But I was talking about something else that you were toting around that was new."

I put down my bottle of beer. "Alright Mike, what the hell are you talking about?"

He leans in over the table and glances to his right to see if the other people at our table are listening. "Something new like a pretty little brunette?"

I shrug. "Dunno what you're talking about." I glance away.

"Oh no? So you don't mind if I call her then?"

I look over but resist staring. He's trying to make me admit something and I won't fall into his trap. I've known him long enough to know how he operates. "Call who?"

He grins. "Well I don't know her name but I do know she always gets coffee at a cart outside the English department. And she's always there when I go for breakfast."

"Oh?" I raise my eyebrow.

He gets frustrated and reaches over to slap my shoulder. "Come on Jess and fess up."

I chuckle. "To what?"

"You're impossible. Why can't you just admit that you have a girlfriend?"

"Jess? Girlfriend?" Beth leans over Mike and scoffs. "Maybe when hell freezes over."

Mike slips his arm around her shoulders. "Put on a sweater Baby, 'cause I think it has."

She pushes off his arm playfully. "Mike, stop hitting on me, and I think it's still plenty warm so no way does Jess have a girlfriend."

"Why don't you ask him for yourself?" He's talking now like I'm not sitting right next to them. "Or are you still a little hung up on him?"

"Shut up." She turns to me. "You don't have a girlfriend, do you Jess?"

I open my mouth but my phone rings to my rescue. "Mariano."

"Hey, it's me." Her voice floats softly to my ear and I lean away from the table to hear her better.

"Hello, Me."

She giggles. "I'm really bored right now."

"Thought you were having a movie night with Lorelai?"

"Was." She sighs. "There was an emergency at the inn; a water pipe broke or something and Luke went with her to help." She sighs. "What are you doing? Watching T.V with Adso?"

"Um, actually I'm out with some friends." I motion to them that I'll be a couple more minutes and I get up from the table to walk outside for privacy.

"Oh." She sounds really surprised. "You have friends?"

I snicker without heat. Her question was just so honestly curious.

"I mean," embarrassed she backpedals, "I've just never really seen you with other people."

"Some people from the department and some I knew in my undergrad days." I lean against the railing around the front entrance of the bar for support. "We're just getting some drinks."

"Are you driving?"

She makes me smile at her concern. "No, I walked. It's really close from the apartment. Plus, I've only had a beer."

"Oh, okay." I can imagine her wondering what to say. "Well, I'll let you get back to your friends."

I shift my weight and decide to sit down on the bench right outside of the double doors. "No, it's okay. I haven't talked to you in days. What's going on with you?"

I hear rustling and the sound of her shifting the phone to the other ear. "Well, not much. Just hanging out with Mom a lot. Shopping for Christmas and other holiday stuff. You?"

"Same. Only not hanging out with my mother and not really doing a lot of shopping."

Giggling, "So not the same at all."

"No, but it sounded like a good response."

She pauses to drop my nonsense and picks up with the conversation again. "So are you coming for Christmas, Jess?"

I nod. "Unless something pops up unexpectedly, yeah, I plan to drive on down Christmas afternoon. Is that okay?"

"Christmas afternoon?"

"I always have Christmas Eve dinner with my parents and presents with them in the morning, but I'll leave as soon as I can."

"Okay, we'll wait for you then."

"No, don't wait. Just do what you guys normally do and I'll show up when I can."

"Okay, that sounds good." She's pausing for a while. "I miss you."

I look up at the blackened sky. "Yeah, me too." My voice drops an octave.

A moment passes and she perks up again playfully. "What are you wearing?"

I choke out my laughter. "What?"

"I just thought it'd be fun to ask." She giggles.

"Jeans, t-shirt, and jacket." I whisper huskily trying to make something sound sexy that really isn't. "You?"

"Pajamas."

I lean into my phone to listen closer. "Oh?"

"Yeah."

"Are we talking pajamas like the ones that you wore when you were staying over at my place or like flannel and a bath robe?"

I hear more rustling. "I wasn't wearing anything when I slept over at your place."

"Exactly."

She giggles loudly. "Just boxers and a shirt."

I lean back on the bench and cross my stretched out legs at the ankles. "Tell me about them."

"It's a black tank top and boxers with black and white stripes."

"I have a pair just like that."

A beat passes before she answers and I thought I almost lost connection. "Yes, I know. I saw them in your dresser the other day."

"Coincidence."

"No, I borrowed yours." She whispers.

I groan loud enough for her to hear. "You're killing me."

She laughs suddenly sounding much less sexy and more like a girl.

"What are you doing right now?"

"I'm talking to you." I can picture her rolling her eyes. "And wrapping your Christmas present."

So that's the rustling I keep on hearing. "Present?"

"Of course."

"Is it big?"

She plays along. "I dunno. You'll just have to wait and find out."

I smile knowing she can't see. "Huh."

Seeing Mike's head poke out of the door to the bar, I turn. "Hey man, are you coming back inside? Brad is buying drinks for everyone."

Nodding, "Yeah, I'll just be a minute."

"Who are you talking to anyways?" He doesn't go back inside but doesn't step out any further.  
"None of your business." I cover the mouthpiece of the phone with my palm.

He comes closer. "It's her, isn't it?"

"Get back inside."

Coming right up to my face, he grabs the phone out of my hands and wards me off with his free arm. "Hello, who's this?" He smiles but his eyes are having a hard time focusing and I know he's drunk. "Rory, hi I'm Mike. Jess's friend from junior year." He looks over in my direction as I give up trying to take the phone. "Yeah, he's still here," I see him nodding, "Yup. You know, it's a shame you're not here with us. There are plenty of girls here wanting to get their chance with your boyfriend here. One in particular." And with that I shove him not so gently and grab the phone out of his hands as he laughs to no one in particular.

Steering him back through the door, I push him. "Go away."

Finally alone again, I walk over to the railing. "I'm sorry about that."

"Hm, it's alright." She pauses. "So, who was that?"

"Mike. I met him in my European Literature class years ago. He's a bit of an ass when he's drunk. He's a smart guy though he wastes his time trying to pick up girls." I expect to hear her giggle but I'm met with silence instead. "Rory?"

"Yeah, still here."

Still with no elaboration on her part I ask, "You okay?"

"Yup."

"Liar."

"No, nothing's wrong." I hear her shifting her weight. "Anyways, I'll just let you get back to your friends, and I need to finish up here. So, I'll just talk to you later."

Not buying it for a second, "What's going on?" I shift the phone to the other ear.

"Nothing. Stop asking."

Getting upset, I raise my voice just a bit. "Cut the bullshit Rory."

Not missing a beat she speaks up right as I leave off. "Just who are you with that would like a chance with you? With one in particular?"

I roll my eyes. "That?"

"Yes, that."

Sighing, "She's just a girl I met back in the class that I had with Mike. It's nothing."

"Nothing?" Her short questions worry me.

"Yes that's right. Nothing."

"Nothing like an ex-girlfriend?"

Going back to sit on the bench, this certainly was not how I pictured the end of the conversation with the early playful talk about what we were wearing. "No Rory, not an ex-girlfriend."

"So you've never went out with her?" She clarifies.

"We went on a couple dates, but it never went anywhere."

"Okay." But I know for a fact that it's not okay. "So is it just the three of you?"

"No."

"So do you see her often?"

Getting to the point, I'm tired of circumventing the issue. "Rory, what's going on here? You know I've had other girlfriends, as I think I can safely assume you've had other boyfriends."

"I've never heard you use my name so many times in a conversation." She pauses. "You must be upset with me."

Shaking my head, "No, I'm not upset. I just don't understand why you're upset."

Raising her voice just a hint, "I'm not upset."

"Okay then, you seem awfully upset for someone having a regular conversation."

Huffing, "It's not that." I hear more rustling. "And I'm not so naïve to think that you haven't had other girlfriends."

"I didn't say you were naïve. I just don't understand why this is an issue. And Beth isn't an ex-girlfriend. She's just an old friend that I went out on a couple of dates with."

"I heard you." If we were face to face, I think that would have come out like a shout. "It just reminds me that you have other girls interested in you that are older and understand what you're going through and can relate much more than I do." And it finally comes out.

"That's what you're worried about? The fact that they're older?" I lower my voice.

She doesn't answer me for almost a minute. "When you say it like that you make me sound stupid."

Very gently, "That's because it's a bit silly. I would like to think that after all this time you would know how I feel about you."

"Do I?" She's pouting and it makes me flare up.

"Yes Rory." I run my hand through my hair. "And I don't like that you're questioning me or my intentions."

"I just don't want to end up like one of your other girlfriends." She's become irrational in the course of this conversation.

And by now I'm not trying to hide my anger or frustration with her. "Goddamn it Rory. You're not just another girl. You're the first one I've ever fallen in love with." With that exclamation, I fall silent.

And so does she.

I look down at my shoes and scuff the toe against the cement.

She whispers. "I'm sorry Jess."

"Me too." I sigh.

"I'm sorry I ruined your night."

Truthfully, "No you didn't. It just wasn't the best."

"Are we," She pauses. "Are we okay?"

"We can still fight and be okay in the end, right?" I tuck my jacket around my body tighter. Sitting outside in this freezing cold has made my bones ache.

"Yes."

"Then yeah, we're okay."

The conversation stops for a while and I enjoy the silence.

"You don't use my name very often do you?" She breaks into the stillness.

Remembering what she had said earlier, "Um, I guess not."

"Unless you're angry with me."

"Guess not." I chuckle and repeat my statement. "I just assume that you know I'm talking to you when we're having a conversation."

She laughs. "But you don't call me using my name or anything else often either."

"I call you Gilmore once in a while."

"Is that your thing? Not using people's names?"

I smile. "After that incident where you made fun of me for calling you 'Baby' I just thought it'd be better not to use any name besides your real name."

Offhandedly she replies, "If you were using my real name you'd have to call me Lorelai. And I didn't mean to make fun of you that time. It just sounded weird coming out of you."

"Does it still sound weird now?"

"I don't know. Do it again."

I smile and bring the phone closer to my mouth to whisper, "Baby."

She chokes out loud laughter. "Try something else."

"No," embarrassed, I'm glad we're talking on the phone, "No."

"Oh I didn't mean to laugh. Come on, try something else."

"No."

"Alright. But one of these days." She leaves it hanging like a promise I don't want her to keep.

"I have to get going." I look at my watch.

"Okay, goodnight Baby."

I laugh. "Goodnight."

---

I see her sitting on the front steps of her porch waiting. Shifting down I park my car in her driveway and reach over to the passenger side for my bag. She pops up from her position and runs across the small yard and I can barely get out of the car before she launches herself into my arms. I laugh softly into her ear and I feel her burrowing her face into the crook of my neck. "You're here."

Keeping my arms wrapped around her, I set her feet back onto the ground. "It would appear so."

"Happy Christmas."

"You mean Merry Christmas?"

She reaches up and kisses me softly. All lips. "I mean Happy Christmas. I'm happy and it's Christmas, so Happy Christmas."

Shifting the bag on my shoulder, I stroke my hands up and down her arms and she snuggles into me for the moment. "Happy Christmas then."

"Did you have a good time with your parents?"

"Yeah, it was nice. Same; nothing really special but it was nice. You?"

"Fun. Woke up today at five and Luke made us pancakes in the shapes of blobs that Mom insisted looked like Santa." She laughs.

I nudge her head to the side and I kiss her neck. "Get all your presents open?" Deep down I know she's still a kid, and I vaguely realize that it hasn't been long since she was legally considered a child.

"Yup. Sweaters, books, little knickknacks."

"But you seem to have missed one." I unzip my bag quietly from the side.

"What?" She lowers her eyes to watch me.

I pull out the small box. "This one." I remove one arm from around her waist and straighten out the wrapping. "Sorry it's a bit smashed."

"It's pretty. Nice wrapping paper." She runs her fingers across the comic section of the newspaper that I had used as a makeshift gift-wrap.

"You gonna admire the paper all day or open it up?" I tease.

"I'm gonna open it." She picks at the tape and I watch her pull the paper apart gently. "Oh, Jess." She opens her mouth and closes it again only to open it back up like a fish.

I slip my bag down from my shoulder to set it gently on the grass. "You like it?"

"You idiot." Her hand comes up to slap my shoulder. "You shouldn't have."

"What?" I duck down to catch her eyes. "Shouldn't have gotten you a present for Christmas?"

She playfully bumps her body into mine. "No, you shouldn't have gotten me pearls. They're too expensive."

"They could be fake. And then they wouldn't be expensive."

"Oh." She's making her fish face again and this time it's combined with confusion dancing across her brows.

I smile. "They could be, but they're not."

"I can't accept them." But she doesn't let go of them.

"Sure you can." I take them from her hands and her eyes follow me. Motioning for her to turn around I drape them delicately around her neck from behind. "There. Now they're yours."

She fingers them with a hesitant touch. "Thank you. I love them."

Leaning down to kiss her, "You're welcome." I bring my hands up to her face to cradle cold cheeks and I kiss her, lingering on her lower lip. Pulling back suddenly but resting my forehead against hers, "I've missed you."

"Even with that horrible phone call the other day?" I imagine that statement just popped out of her mouth and her face betrays her emotions as I can very well assume that she regrets bringing that up in the midst of our happy moment. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay." I assure her with a hug. "And yes, I've missed you like crazy even with that phone call."

"I guess I was pretty irrational, huh?"

I had a feeling that this particular subject was not quite put to rest yet. "Yes, but I also think it's natural to feel what you felt in a similar situation. I don't think I'd feel comfortable being away from you knowing that you were having drinks with one of your ex-boyfriends. Like that floppy haired kid from the market."

She looks up from our hug. "I never told you he was an ex."

"You never explicitly told me, but I have eyes you know. He looked like he was ready to challenge me to a duel when we ran into him that day."

She laughs. "He was my first real boyfriend. We dated for a while but it didn't work out. Obviously."

Feeling cold, "You can tell me the whole story another time." Picking up my bag once more I gesture with my head. "Let's go inside. I think I'm ready to face your mom and my uncle."

"Okay."

---

"Dinner was really good, thanks Luke." I watch him circle the couch and settle next to Lorelai at the end.

"It was nothing."

"Told you Luke's food was the best." She pokes me in the side.

Grabbing her finger playfully, "I never said I didn't believe you." Almost leaning in for a kiss, the moment breaks up as I hear Lorelai clear her throat. Out of the corner of my eye I see her watching me like a hawk and I tense up for a moment as Rory scoots closer to me on the floor in front of the couch to snuggle into my side as we watch _A Christmas Story_. But as she brings her left arm up and around the front of my stomach and leaves it hanging with fingertips barely touching the carpet I relax, not feeling Lorelai reprimand me. But I'm not immune to the stares that are being directed from both her mother and my uncle at the back on my head, burning a hole into me. Bringing my arm around Rory's shoulders, I tug her closer and she rests her head on my chest. "Thank you for today." I whisper softly into her hair and I wonder if she heard me at all.

Feeling her squeeze my side I know she did. "Pass the popcorn."

"Oh we're out." Lorelai exclaims from behind us. "I'll go make more." She grabs the bowl from the coffee table and practically bounces off into the kitchen.

"Lorelai, let me do it," Luke gets up as well. "You're going to burn it." Following her into the kitchen I watch the two of them disappear out of sight but not out of earshot as Luke keeps lecturing Lorelai on how she needs to follow the directions on the box instead of just shoving the bag into the microwave.

"Hey," She's pulling on my t-shirt.

"Yeah?"

Standing up, she extends her hand to help me. "Come with me."

Taking her hand, I look over in the general direction of the kitchen. "Now?"

"No next year," she rolls her eyes, "Of course now." Exasperated she pulls me forward with more force than necessary and I pitch forward into her body, almost knocking her over. She laughs.

"Where are we going?" We're crossing the length of the living room, approaching the foyer.

"My bedroom."

"Oh? Already?" I chuckle.

Glancing over her shoulder, "Dirty." She raises her eyebrow at me very suggestively. And just as soon as she gave me the look, she drops it. "And no, not for that."

Passing Lorelai and Luke in the kitchen we attract attention as Rory strings me along behind her. "Where are you going Sweetie?"

"I'm going to give Jess his Christmas present." Rory turns to address her mom. "We'll be right back. Have the popcorn and candy ready."

"Okie dokie." Lorelai turns back to raiding the panty with Luke behind her trying to sneak in some carrot sticks.

"Lorelai, come on." Luke shifts to dodge her. "I like them. I'll eat them; they're not for you so you can at least let me get a plate for my food."

"No, you'll infect the goodies with your healthiness."

Rory steps behind me and pushes the door closed and smiles. "You ready?"

Scrunching my face in confusion, "Do I need to prepare myself?"

Getting on her knees to retrieve the present from under the bed, "Here you go."

"Thanks." I sit down next to her on the bed and pick at the bow. "It's heavy."

"Yeah." She has a grin on her face and it's not one that I've seen before. "You gonna open it?" She echoes my earlier tease.

Tearing the paper, I open a flimsy cardboard box to reveal a black…rock? "Huh?"

She giggles loudly and hugs me from the side. "It's a lump of coal."

I roll my eyes and glance down at her. "Coal, huh?"

"You should have seen your face. Priceless."

Getting close to her face I speak, "That's not very nice."

Reaching under the bed again, "This is the real thing."

"Oh, so I haven't been a bad boy this year?"

"I guess not." She shrugs one dainty shoulder.

I open the box to find a black leather watch.

"Do you like it?" Her mischievous grin is gone and she's full of insecurities now.

Dropping a kiss on her lips, "Yes I like it." I take it out to fasten it to my wrist. "Thank you."

Her hands come around to lift my hand up in the air. "I just thought you would like a new watch. I mean, yours is getting all scuffed up and everything, I thought it's time for a replacement." She looks up at me. "I know it's not really an original idea or anything, but maybe you can use it?"

"Yeah, I can use it." I reply softly. "Thanks."

She speaks just as softly. "You're welcome."

"Rory!" We hear her mother shout from the kitchen.

"Coming!" She throws away the wrapping paper for me. "Ready?"

Fiddling with the watch, "Yeah; do you think it's been going okay so far?"

Cocking her head to the side, "Well you've managed to get through dinner without alienating my mother and Luke hasn't had reason to kill you, so yes, that's a job well done."

I chuckle, but look down at my lap. "I'm serious."

"And since when do you care what other people think about you?" She's right. When did I?

But then again…"It's a different point when it's my girlfriend's mother." I turn to her. "Don't you want your mom to like me?"

She comes back over to sit but instead of joining me on the bed, she straddles my lap in seriousness. "Of course. And she does. But I didn't think you two would become best friends, so stop aiming for that."

My hands go to her thighs to secure her. "I wasn't. It's just hard to tell with your mom."

"You remind her a lot about herself. That's part of the problem."

"Problem?" My hands reach up to her waist.

Smiling softly as if talking to a spooked horse, "Didn't you ever think that it was odd how young my mom is for having a daughter who's eighteen?"

Momentarily put off, I lean my forehead against her tummy with a silent thud, "Ugh, don't remind me how young you are." Looking up, "And no, I don't think I've given it much thought."

She smiles at my discomfort. "Just because we don't say it out loud doesn't mean that I'm not eighteen. I thought you got over that fact?"

"I did. It's just a harsh reminder when I'm about to turn twenty-four in less than two months and my girlfriend can't even legally go into a bar for a drink." I gesture with a free hand. "Not for another three years."

"You know, six years apart really isn't that big of a deal." She kisses me. "It only seems like that now because I haven't hit my twenties yet. But in the big scheme of life, that's barely a blip."

I flop back on the bed, bringing her to land on top. "I know." I run my hand through her loose hair. "Now we just have to wait until you turn twenty."

"That's quite the long term plan you've got for us, Mister."

Sharply turning my head in her direction, "Oh? Too long?"

Thinking she would take the conversation into serious territory, I'm a little relieved to hear her. "Nope. Perfect. I like long term."

Dryly, "That would be new for me."

"Don't say that." She frowns.

I meet sad eyes. Telling her gently, "It's the truth."

"People can change."

Seriously, "Yes, that's also true." I pat her lower back for emphasis. "How old did you say your mom was when she had you?"

Her eyes light with the reminder of our previous conversation. "Oh right." She stops supporting her weight on her arms and snuggles into me. "Sixteen."

"Ah, I get it." No wonder there's fear about her being young.

"Yeah."

"Rory!" We hear Lorelai's muffled shout once more.

---

Coming out of the room we're met by Luke sitting at the kitchen table with Lorelai bouncing around. Bounding over to us, she hooks elbows with Rory and takes her along. "Come Offspring, it's movie time."

Shaking my head with a bemused smile I start to follow, but I feel a hand grasping the inside of my forearm.

"Sit." Turning to see Luke, I obey.

"Okay." Across the table from my uncle, I twiddle my thumbs. "What's up Uncle Luke?"

I watch him scratch the back of his head nervously. "Um, I know that we don't really know each other very well. I mean, me being your uncle and everything."

What the hell is this guy getting at? "That's alright. There's not much to really know."

"Yeah." He's avoiding making eye contact. "It's just that I might not know you, but I do know Rory."

Ahh. So that's where this is leading. "Huh."

"Yeah." He's getting more momentum into this awkward conversation. "I've known her since she was a kid. She's practically still is."

Yikes; not another age conversation. I'm exhausted just with my inner turmoil.

"But what she chooses to do with her life now is her own choice. She's mature enough to make those choices."

"Yes she is."

He finally meets my eyes. "But whether or not you're the right guy to be that choice is another thing." Looking away, "And this makes the situation really weird because you're my nephew and she's practically my daughter."

"Yes, I think you've gotten all of our proper relations correct." Sarcastic defense.

"Jess, what the hell is a guy like you doing with Rory?"

Not liking how this conversation has turned, irritation flares up. "What do you mean, a guy like me?"

"You don't come from her part of the world."

"And what part would that be?" I raise my voice just a hint. "North America? 'Cause I'm pretty sure we're on the same continent."

Running a hand through his hair, "Don't play dumb."

"Just pretend for a second that I really am this dumb and make it clear for me."

"Rory's at Yale because of scholarships and loans."

"And just because I can afford to pay my tuition without a mountain of loans suddenly makes me unsuitable for her?" Reassuring Rory that our financial differences don't matter is one thing, but being attacked and having those differences thrown at me as doubts to my intentions is a totally different subject.

"It's not just that." He gestures and points at me. "I was around when you were a baby. I changed your diapers. And I know very well just how old you are Jess. And how old Rory is."

Not this again. "Congratulations. You can do math."

Sighing, he's deflated. "She's young Jess. She should be focusing on school and experiencing life in college."

Seeing him soften up just a tiny bit relaxes me to give him a straight answer. "Yes I know there's a difference in our age, but it's really not that much." Now it's my turn to use that line. If I use it enough can I get myself to buy into it? "And she is focusing on school. I won't get in the way of that." I lean away from the table. "She is experiencing college life. She will; with or without me."

"Just don't hurt her. She doesn't need it."

"Jess?" Rory appears in the doorway. "You coming? The movie's starting."

Getting up the chair makes a noise as it scuffs the floor. "Yeah, I'm coming." I turn back politely. "Luke, are we done?" It's hard trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice, but I suppose I owe this guy some respect if he's going to take my relationship with Rory as seriously as I tried to convince him I do.

"Yeah." Gruffly, he stands as well and walks in front of us, joining Lorelai on the couch once more.

I start to follow, but Rory grabs my hand. "What was that all about?"

"Just a little nephew to uncle talk."

Disbelief shades her face. "Yeah, right." A smile plays on her lips.

"I was told not to hurt you."

"Ugh." She comes in and I envelope her into a hug.  
I hold her tighter. "I was wondering how long it would take someone to talk to me, but I was expecting it from your mom instead."

"Luke's pretty protective of me." Her hands wander bravely into the back pockets of my jeans, but it's done only as a sign of comfort.

"Yeah, no shit."

She laughs changing the subject. "Do you like _Home Alone_?"

"The movie or the situation? 'Cause I could do with getting you home alone right now." My mood lightens with the playful exchange.

"The movie, you dope." She leads me back into the living room.

---

I'm well aware that Luke is watching us, or actually watching me, with renewed eyes and concentration. I bite my lower lip in amusement as I can imagine him tensing up as Rory lowers her head on my shoulder next to me on the large chair that we're sharing.

"Ow, you have a bony shoulder." She whispers to not interrupt the movie.

Chuckling, "Come here." I whisper just as softly. I shift my weight next to her to accommodate her comfort. I wrap my arm around her upper body and rest her head on my sternum instead.

"You're not driving back home tonight, are you?"

I look down. "I was planning to."

"Oh." She glances over her shoulder at her mom and back again to linger on my face. "I thought you would stay here."

"Here? In this house?"

"Why not? You've done it before."

I drop a kiss on the crown on her head. "That was by accident."

"Well," she's biting her lower lip, "I'm not ready to say goodbye."

"It's not goodbye, it's more of a 'see you later' kinda thing."

Turning around she ignores my last statement. "Mom, can you find a room for Jess at the inn?"

Lorelai grabs the remote to pause the movie. "Honey, it's Christmas. There aren't any vacant rooms at the inn. We're booked solid for the weekend."

"Oh." She looks bitterly disappointed. "But it's late and it's a long drive for Jess to go back to New Haven."

I move forward to put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Rory, it's okay. It's not that late. I'll be fine."

"No," She shakes her head and I notice that Lorelai is surprised at how worked up her daughter is getting. "It snowed last night and the roads get slick easily. And, and…"

"Rory, take a breath." Lorelai stands up next to her. "Jess can sleep on the couch, Sweetie." She pats Rory on the back like a child. "No harm done."

Suddenly embarrassed, Rory avoids eye contact with everyone. "Okay, thanks."

Amused, "Okay. Why don't you help Jess get the extra sheets and stuff?"

"Sure." Rory doesn't even look back at me to make sure that I'm following.

I sneak a glance at Luke who has a tortured look of disbelief. As I climb up the stairs I hear Lorelai's muffled words, "Lukey, she's an adult now. And so is he."

Scoffing, "Yeah, I'm well aware of how much of an adult my nephew is."

Disappearing around the corner, "If I'm okay with my daughter and her boyfriend then you should be too. I had a long talk with Rory last night and I'm starting to understand. I don't like it, but I'm starting to be okay with it."

"Let's see. We have pink bunny sheets, or green monkeys." Rory smiles broadly at me from the dresser tucked aside in the hallway. "Take the bunnies. They're my favorite."

Grinning, "Yeah right."

She raises her eyebrows. "They were once on my bed."

"Well in that case, I don't mind sleeping with the bunnies."

Pulling the sheets out of the armoire, Luke and Lorelai passes us on the top of the stairs. "Goodnight you two." Lorelai gives a pointed look to Rory. "Don't stay up too late."

"Okay Mom."

Surprisingly enough the situation isn't as uncomfortable as I predicted. Lorelai is keeping a tight reign on her feelings about me. Their bedroom door shuts behind them.

"Jessie?"

Smiling, I don't comment on her choice of name addressed to me. Touching her shoulder as we descend back downstairs, "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Her arms flail about as she makes her way down the stairs as if she doesn't know how to walk. It's like watching a deer take its first steps and I smile. "I just don't know what came over me. I didn't think my mom would actually agree to let you stay here."

Reaching the couch, I grab the other end of the sheet to help her spread it out. "Me neither."

"Um, we need to find you a pillow. Oh, I know." She dashes back into her room and I watch from the couch. "Here you go. It's an extra one of mine. That's okay, right?"

"Yeah."

"Here, I think this blanket is warm enough. We have the heat on too, so you shouldn't be cold."

"Thank you."

"'Night." Standing at the end of the couch she looks expectantly.

I drag out our kiss. This whole day has been peppered with chaste, quick, and sometimes stolen kisses and now there is time to finally submerge myself into the kiss. "See you in the morning?"

"Of course."

I climb in under the sheets but she doesn't turn to leave. Bending over me, she tucks me in and I'm doing my best to bite back any sarcasm. She kisses me on the lips as she stands up. "Love you."

I just nod in response.

---

"Good morning." In a singsong voice bright eyes look at me from her crouched position on the floor next to the sofa.

Blearily leaning up on the elbow near the edge, "What time is it?"

"Almost nine."

Worming her way next to me, I make room for her by leaning up on the arm of the couch. "What are you doing up?"

"I already had breakfast with Mom. She went with Luke to the diner for coffee."

My eyes drift shut. "Uh hum."

"Hey, don't fall asleep."

Head dropping on her shoulder, "Tired."

"Want some coffee?" She offers me her cup.

"No, I wanna sleep."

She stands up. "Come on Baby, let's go for a walk."

"Now?" I throw off the covers. "Where are we going?"

"Just out for a walk. Here." She hands me my sweatshirt. "It's cold outside."

Rubbing my eyes after pulling the hoodie over my head, I check her out. "You warm enough?"

"You going to keep me warm if I get cold?"

Hugging her, I rest my chin on the top of her head. "Let me brush my teeth before we go."

"Bathroom's right over there." She follows me to the door of the bathroom. "Do you need help?" She has a broad smile on her face.

Gently sarcastic, "I think I'm okay, thanks." I run my hand across my face, feeling the stubble that has appeared since I last shaved yesterday morning.

Leaning on the doorjamb, "I like the way you look when you're clean shaven." Then realizing what she's implied, "But you look good this way too."

Using her toothbrush I dab on some toothpaste. "I'll keep that in mind." I don't add the fact that I know it makes me look younger.

She watches me with her pinkie finger in the edge of her mouth.

I catch her stare in her reflection of the mirror. "You look happy."

She moves her finger out of her mouth. "I am."

Tossing her toothbrush back into the holder, "You ready?"  
"Just waiting for you."

Not moving, I lean my right palm on the sink edge. "Did you say we were alone in the house?"

"Yeah." Her tongue darts out to wet her lips.

My eyes follow her movements. "Huh." Grabbing her, I lift her up and over my shoulder. I stumble a bit at the weight but keep a firm grip on her thigh so I won't drop her.

"Jess!"

Ignoring her protests and only listening to her laughter, I move around the corner to get to her bedroom. I kick the door closed with my foot and collapse on top of her on the bed. Smirking, I check to see if she's okay. "Alright?"

Not answering she hooks her ankles on the back of my calves and runs her hands under my sweatshirt. "Off."

I help her by reaching behind me to pull the sweatshirt over my head. And I do the same with the t-shirt. Her hands are grabbing first at my discarded shirt to toss it off the bed and then to the top button of my jeans, and lastly to the zipper. I laugh, "Hey, Grabby."

With hazy eyes she looks at me and I loose my playful expression. Thrusting her hips up to mine forcefully, I react by tangling my hands into her covers.

"Jess…" My name comes out in a blur.

Sheets are balled up in my fists and I feel her anticipation and understand her hurried efforts. It's been a long time since we've had the opportunity to be together and the relative newness of our physical relationship still grips me. Hard. I'm certainly ready for whatever she wants and I squeeze my eyes tightly to focus on my control. Slick warmth invades my senses and I let go of the reigns as I pull her sweater off of her as well. I don't wait to pull her tank top over her, I just tug on the strap to expose her shoulder and her breast and I clench seeing as how she isn't wearing a bra. Latching on to her left breast I feel her feet frantically pushing down my jeans and they pool at my ankles. With a seeking hand, she strokes me through the cotton of my boxers and I move in a rocking motion into her hand.

My jeans tangle up my feet making me loose my footing and I fall into her body. "Sorry." Rolling to my side, and bringing her on top I kick off my pants and hear the metal of the belt buckle thud quietly against her carpeted floor. Now that I'm free of most of my clothing, except for my boxers, I grab her face with both hands to pull her into a kiss. She's not being gentle in the embrace and her mouth works as if she wants to eat me alive. Feeling that she's not resting her full weight against me, I curl my right foot against the back of her bended knee and tug her down. She still has on her sweatpants and my right hand leaves her face to push them over her hips. Her left arm is still propped up straight on the bed and she wraps it under my head to support me and to draw me closer. Yanking her sweats over her hips, I rest my hand to help her set the rhythm of her movements. She's moving way too fast and I need to slow her down.

Detaching from her lips I edge down to the apex of her neck and shoulders. "Rory…" My voice cracks.

She doesn't slow down.

"Rory."

Still no response.

I use my one hand to grab her hips and dig in fingers into her skin as I deliberately bite down on her shoulder. Freezing, she looks up at me. Her eyes are dilated and they look enormous in the winter morning light that's filtering through slats of her blinds. "What?" She asks with dry lips.

"Here." I move her entire body over to rest on the right spot and she understands immediately. She's sending sparks through my body and I throw my head back offering an expanse of tight throat muscles for her. She's kissing and tracing a particular taunt muscle with her tongue and my hands travel down her lower back to her bottom to pull at her underwear.

"Jess…" She comes back up to kiss me. This time it's not just all lips. There's tongue and it's driving me insane.

"Yes." Thinking it's the ringing in my head of approaching the edge, I shake my head to get rid of the disturbance. She's thrusting hard into my hips again and I temporarily stop my efforts of trying to get her out of her underwear. The ringing picks up again and I realize it's not in my head. It's the doorbell. "Rory?"

She rocks into me in response.

I use my hands to stop her. "Rory, there's someone at your door."

"What?" The ringing comes again. "Oh!" She quickly climbs off of me to peek through the blinds. "Oh my god, it's my dad."

"Shit." I reach for my pants and look around for my shirt.

"Here." She tosses my t-shirt to me and I just throw it over my head. I go over to help her by pulling her hair out of her messed up ponytail and smooth it out for her as she sticks her arm through her tank top to adjust it, hiding the fact that I had moments before just pulled it down to reach her breast. "Okay, calm down." I don't know which one of us she's talking to. She slows down as she approaches the threshold and I'm half a step behind her. "Dad!"

I see him using crutches to help him walk and he pauses to greet Rory. "Hey Kiddo." He leans in to hug her and I shift my weight knowing that I'm coming into his line of vision. "And who is this?"

"Dad, this is Jess." She slips a comforting arm around my waist but I see her father's eyes narrow at her simple gesture. "Jess, this is my dad."

"Nice to meet you." I offer my hand out for him to shake but he just stares at me.

"You're wearing your shirt inside out."

Not missing a beat I deadpan, "That's the new fashion."

Rory blushes hard next to me. "Um Dad, you're looking really well. How are you feeling?"

"Does your mother know that you have a boy in the house?" He ignores her questions.

She's lost her blush and has become indignant. Rory's not one to be brushed off. "Yes, Mom knows and I'm old enough to make my own decisions."

I cringe inwardly at the mention of age. Please don't let him catch on to that subconscious slip on her part.

"I don't think Lorelai would be happy knowing what you guys are up to."

"And what would that be?" She has her hands on her hips.

"I'm not stupid Rory. I know what guys his age wants; trust me, I was that age once."

I step up. "Sir…" Being polite is a side effect of me trying to calm people down.  
"Just what are you implying that he wants from me?" This time it's me being ignored and Rory continues her rant. "And Jess is my boyfriend, not just some random guy off the street."

His look softens. "I'm just saying…"

"I don't care what you were just saying." She's clearly on a rampage and I try to placate her but she shrugs off my touch.

"Rory, I'm just trying to protect you."

In her state, I can tell she doesn't want to be coddled. "No. I've gotten along fine all these years without you, and I don't need you to start feeling like you need to protect little Rory because all of a sudden you want to play Daddy again."

Standing helplessly with my arms down by my side, I spy Lorelai coming around the bend. "Christopher?"

"Yeah?" He turns around.

"What's going on?"

Rory is still fuming next to me and I take the opportunity that since Chris's attention has turned I gently place my right arm around her stiff shoulders and try to relax her.

Chris speaks up. "I thought it'd be nice to drop by on the day after Christmas to see my daughter, but then my daughter greets me at the door with her boyfriend who's wearing his shirt inside out."

"Oh that's nice that you stopped by." Lorelai tactfully ignores the latter half of Chris's rant. "Let's all go inside. I've got Luke's coffee." She ushers us with the hand that isn't holding a carrier tray of java. "Come on. Inside. I'm freezing my cute little tushy off; and Chris, you really should be sitting down. Let's go." I'm the last to turn around in front of her to go back towards the kitchen and she stops me with raised eyebrows. "Maybe you wanna take this opportunity to fix your shirt?"

---

"I'm sorry about today."

"No, it's fine; I've got all my arms and legs still attached to my body. No harm done." I lean down for a kiss. "I'll call you when I get home?"

"Do you have to leave now?"

With my hands on her hips, "I've already stayed here for two days."

"No you haven't." She pouts.

"Well parts of an evening, a night, and then today."

Her arms wrap around my waist. "Stay for at least a couple more hours."

I chuckle. "I have to get Adso back from my friend who's looking after him and I have to get there before nine tonight." I bend my knees slightly and bury my face into her neck. "Come home with me." My cheeks flush after hearing my own words and I'm glad I'm not speaking to her face to face. "I mean, come back to Yale with me."

She speaks into my shoulder. "I can't. I promised Mom we'd go shopping for new shoes."

"I know," still cuddling into her. "When do you think you're coming back?"

"Excuse me." Chris appears on the front porch and captures both of our attentions from our place leaning against my car. Rory makes no move to step back away from me. "I need to speak with Jess. Alone."

Rory silently questions him with her eyes.

"I'll behave." He raises his hands in defense. She leaves us and goes back into the house. "Jess."

With my hands shoved deep in my pockets, I feel the cold of my car seeping through the layers of clothes on my back.

"So you're the guy who's dating my teenage daughter."

Inwardly I cringe at hearing the word 'teenage' but outwardly, I don't move a muscle. I still remember watching helplessly as Rory cried in my bed showing me how broken she still is by this guy who's lecturing me, the same man who's left her in the past and has hurt her. The less intimidated part of me wants to let him know just how much he's hurt his daughter.

He turns to look at me. "I was talking with Lorelai and she was explaining to me how you took to the time to take Rory down to the hospital when I was there," he shoves his hands into his pockets and rests the crutches by his side.

"I did it because Rory needed me."

He nods and comes to lean against my car besides me. "She's a tough girl."

I nod and look straight ahead. "She's a strong woman." I purposely chose to use the word 'woman' versus girl. The nagging voice in the back of my mind is asking me if I'm using it for his benefit or for mine. Is she not just a girl who's on the cusp of being a woman? "She's strong," I reiterate, "And she doesn't need protection, she's old enough to make her own mistakes."

He cocks his head in my direction. "And what would a young kid like you know about mistakes?" This conversation is turning.

I smirk without sarcasm or humor. "You're right. What would I know about mistakes? You, on the other hand would know plenty about that, wouldn't you? Regrets too, huh?" The words fly out of my mouth before I have the chance to reel them in. Too many people are doubting my intentions and the draining effect it's having on me has made my temper short, especially with Chris, the person my girlfriend was crying over just the other day.

"Just what do you mean?" He's becoming cold.

"I just mean what I said."

"You have no right to judge me." He looks away.

I look directly at his averted gaze. "And you have no right to judge my relationship with Rory when you know nothing about me."

"I know my daughter and that's enough."

"Do you know her?"

He ignores my pointed question. "Don't mess around with her. And if I ever find out you caused her any unnecessary pain, I'll flay you alive."

With a defiant chin, "I won't hurt her."

"Okay." And that I suppose, is the closest thing to an approval I'm going to get from this guy.

Movement catches my eye and I see her peeking through the bedroom shades to see how we're doing. I'm doing my best to give her a reassuring smile and whether or not she understands, she gives me a small almost unperceivable nod and ducks back into her room leaving me and her father staring into space, each in our own thoughts but without a doubt thinking very similar things. The sound of the front door shifts my attention once more and for the first time since the beginning of our relationship, I'm fairly certain I can make it work. At least for the time being.

---

**AN: **Tell me what you think. I would love to hear some of the following: 1) What did you like about the story? Any feedback on the plot, characters, and/or other details in the story. 2) Did something strike you as particularly funny or amusing? Or any other emotion? And 3) Just for fun, what's something you want to see in this story? Anything that's written to me will be replied to quickly. As long as the review is signed in or there's an email address attached, I can respond. Thanks!


	13. Thought

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 13: Thought

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN:** Enjoy!

Thanks to my lovely editor for late night/early morning chats and for letting me talk about my characters as if they were real.

Summary: Very AU. A more relaxed college freshman Rory meets a more confident adult Jess for the first time. Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors for the both of them. Literati.

---

"Have you given any more thought to that company I told you about?"

"No I haven't."

"Jess, you graduate soon."

Rolling my eyes, "Really? It all just slipped my mind." I push the lettuce around on my plate. "It just doesn't seem like the right move for me, Dad."

"I thought you'd like it," with his mouth full, "I was talking to a guy I met at this party the other day and he was telling me all about the magazine business."

"I just don't want to work in the magazine area. It doesn't seem serious enough. I don't want my life's work measure all up to something that people skim through on their way out of a supermarket."

"It's not like I'm telling you to work for a tabloid." He makes a face. "What if I told you it was Newsweek or Wall Street Journal?"

"But it's not. I don't want to be stuck editing or putting together a small magazine that no one reads."

"Well, then what do you want to do?"

"I don't know. Something. I want it to be more concrete. I don't need to write the next great American novel, but I want to know that when whatever I do is printed, you can always look back at it and say, 'hey remember this?'"

"Okay, you're just running out of time."

"So what if I graduate and don't get a job right away? I'll just find out later."

"Jess," he's frustrated, "You can't just waffle around your entire life."

I scoff. "Yeah, look who's talking."

"Even though I didn't know what I wanted to do when I was your age, I eventually figured it out." He points his fork in my direction.

"Yeah, and so will I."

"I just don't want to see you waste time like I did."  
I shrug. "Maybe it's just something everyone has to do." I turn my head to cough. "Can we change the subject now?"

"Yeah, yeah. How was your birthday the other day? Get pissed drunk at the thought of all your wasted years?"

I roll my eyes. He just has to rub it in. "No, not this year."

"I remember your twenty-first birthday. Where was it that you passed out?"

I take a bite of my salad. "Bathtub."

Dad snickers. "So, what did you do this year? Besides have lunch with your old man the day before."

"Rory and I went out to dinner." And then went back to my apartment where she practically pounced on me. I turn my head to hide my smile thinking about how we didn't initially make it into the bedroom. We got as far as to my small kitchen table where I discovered that it's a lot stronger than it looks. Well, we did eventually make it back to my bed, though we made other detours after the one on the kitchen table. We got distracted on the couch and the hallway before finally collapsing onto the bed.

With a raised eyebrow, "Oh?" He drags out the word. "Speaking of which, how is that girlfriend of yours?"

"She's fine." I reach for my water glass and take a gulp. My throat's getting itchy.

"Hey I forgot to ask last time, how was Christmas with her family?"

"Great. Just peachy. We had dinner, watched a couple of movies, then I was threatened by both my uncle and her father that if I hurt her they'll flay me with a dull knife."

He chuckles. "Then you better not hurt her."

"She's not the only one involved." I mutter under my breath.

"You're right." Dad suddenly gets serious. "How are you dealing with all of it?"

I spear some grilled chicken with my fork. "All of what?"

"I may be a little oblivious sometimes, but I'm not so stupid as to not remember that you were dumped by your last girlfriend."

"I wasn't dumped." I make a face.

"She left without saying anything, Jess. I'd call that dumped." He swallows.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Stop being obtuse. This thing with Rory is getting serious pretty quickly. It's only the end of February." He takes a bite of his pasta. "When did you meet her?"

"September." I cough to try to clear my throat.

"Your last girlfriend was quite pretty. From what I can remember from that one time I saw her. Totally opposite from Rory. Blonde, leggy, though a bit of an airhead. But Rory's very pretty as well." He looks over at me.

I counter. "She wasn't that dull. And I'm not just dating Rory because she looks nice."

"She certainly wasn't as clever as Rory. Now that you've been burned, you decide to go for the opposite?" He leaves the question hanging for the moment. "I'm sure you have things in common with Rory, but you're not so selfless as to date someone who was a dog."

"I don't purposely date Rory because she's different. And I would still like her if she wasn't attractive." I'm steadfast on that fact.

"You might still like her, but I doubt you would have noticed her."

"Listen, I don't really want to talk about this right now."

"You never want to talk about your girlfriends."

"Well then you should learn by now not to ask."

---

"How was lunch with your Dad?" She follows me through the threshold holding Adso's leash.

"Fine." I drop the mail on the counter.

Pulling off her scarf she turns, "Really?"

I look at her from across the kitchen. "Yeah, why?"

"You just seem a little off."

I brush off the observation. "Just tired." I lean down to unhook Adso's leash from his collar and he scampers off to the bedroom.

"So I'm writing a new article for the school paper." She talks to me from the couch. "It's about all the recent political demonstrations on campus. But I turned it in and they tell me to rewrite it 'cause it's too bland. Can you believe it? Me, bland."

I look through my mail, distracted, "Yeah."

"What?" She turns and glances over at me over the top of the couch.

"Huh?"

Making a face, she sulks, "Never mind."

Defeated, I realize I must have said something wrong. "I'm sorry." I walk over to the couch and crawl in besides her. She lies down with a tentative smile on her face and I position myself half laying on her.

Her arm comes up to push my shoulder away. "What's up with you?" She hooks her other arm around my back. "You were in a good mood this morning."

I bend my elbows and nuzzle her neck. "That's 'cause you stayed last night." I kiss the tender skin behind her ear. "You never want to stay here."

"It's not that I don't want to." She giggles. "It's because I never get anything done when I'm here."

"Goody Two Shoes. It was just a school night." I've effectively steered her away from the topic of my somber mood caused by my conversation with Dad. "Last night was not my fault." I kiss her shoulder covered by a sweater. "You brought it up."

"I asked you for help on my homework. You were the one who told me to come to you with questions."

I pull back to look at her face. "Yeah, and you came and asked for help with your anatomy homework."

"You passed that class with an A, so I thought you would know." She playfully smiles and wets her lips. "You were the one who gave me the demonstration."

"Well, as long as we're studying the subject." I leave the rest hanging. "Do you need more help?" I smirk.

She uses her arms to bring my head down for a kiss and I rest my weight on her. Her hands wander down my back and under my shirt.

I shrink away. "Your hands are cold."

"Sorry." But she's not as she continues to run her hands across the skin of my back.

I sit up on my ankles and just watch her for a moment. Her hands are thrown up onto the arm of the couch and she crosses them under herself to cradle her head and just peers up at me under half-closed lids to smile. I bring my hands up slowly from my grip on her knees to bend them and pull her legs so that her hips come into contact with mine. Instead of wrapping her legs around my waist, she just keeps her knees bent and rests her feet flat against her couch. I lean forward to settle palms on either side of her chest to hover over her. Her fingers play with the hem of my shirt. I brush some hair off of her forehead. "You going back to your dorm tonight?"

"You have a better offer?" She's teasing me.

I roll on my side to lie down next to her and I quickly grab the bottom of her shirt to draw the material off of her. She's wearing a tank top underneath and a strap slides off her shoulder. Kissing the newly bare skin, I run my free hand across her stomach. She's suddenly impatient and kisses me harder. I can feel her feet coming up to curl around the backs of my knees and wandering hands come to undo the buttons and fly of my jeans. I stop what I'm doing just to watch her. Her eyes are concentrated on my jeans and her hair is mussed up, pink lips parted in determination. With my pants undone, she looks over at me. I raise an eyebrow, "What?"

"Why did you stop?"

"I didn't. I was just watching you for a second."

Her eyes dart around. "Quit it. You're making me nervous."

"You're always nervous." I tuck an errant strand behind her ear.

"Well, you're not helping."

I chuckle, but turn my head to cough. Facing her again I lie down against the couch, bringing her down as well, mostly on top of me. With our sudden conversation, my desire has momentarily ebbed.

From halfway on top of me, she scratches her head and combs through her hair with busy fingers. Propping her chin on my belly, she bites her lip. "Aren't you gonna…" She pauses. "Are we…stopping?"

The boldness of the intended question behind her shy words makes me smile. I pull her up and kiss her again, working into passion once more. The unexpected touch of her tongue against the tip of mine shocks me and I push up into her lower body. I grip her waist and move down to her hips. I tuck my fingers under the edge of her jeans and find the soft cotton of her underwear. She moves against me in response and I unbutton her pants, opening the fly to push them over her hips. I don't get very far because the material of her jeans catches with mine, unable to move further. However, I don't pay much attention and shift the position of my hands from her hips to under her tank top. I unhook her bra from underneath and her arms wrap tighter around my shoulders as I pull away from our kiss. She sits up on my lap and removes her tank top and bra to throw them absentmindedly over the back of the couch. I sit up as well and cup the outer swell of her breast, and she leans backwards, away from me at the touch. I encircle her waist with my free arm and kiss the indentation of her shoulder. The vibration of her phone against the coffee table brings us out of the heated moment and I drop against the arm of the couch with a loud sigh.

Before I can tell her not to answer it, she's grabbed it and flung it open. Irritated, she asks, "What?" Her eyes soften. "Sorry, yeah. Hi, Mark. Yes." She climbs off my legs.

I widen my eyes only to shut them again tightly to take my attention from the ache in my body. I see her sitting topless on the edge of my couch and her hand reaches behind to rub my leg in comfort. I'm feeling dizzy all of the sudden and I wonder if it's from our broken moment. I cough and she turns to pay attention to me while continuing her conversation.

"Yeah, I did my half of the assignment. No, that part was supposed to be Rachel's. No, that's not the right way to do it. Just read the instructions." She looks over at me in concern as I cough again. "We already met last week and worked out all the problems. Why hasn't it been done? It's due tomorrow in class."

Shaking my head, I go to redo the button of my jeans and she watches out of the corner of her eye. I get up from the couch and walk across the room to the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of water, I down half of it. Feeling my forehead with the back of my hand, I can't tell whether or not I'm actually hot. Opening several kitchen drawers, I'm trying to remember where I put the thermometer.

"Right now? The library? No, it's closed. I know the student union is open. Do we really need to go over everything again?"

I walk past her without a glance and turn on the bedroom light. Adso picks up his head from the bed and jumps off to follow me from my room and into the adjoining bathroom. I open the medicine cabinet and spy the thermometer on the top shelf. I slide off the cover and push the button and I wait for the beep and the screen to clear. I put it under my tongue and examine my reflection in the mirror. Adso huffs since I'm not paying attention to him and sits down on the tile floor, looking up at me. My eyes are red and they're puffy but I had chalked that up to a lack of sleep. Reaching over to grab some toilet paper, I sneeze. Adso shakes his head and jingles his tags. The thermometer beeps and I take it out to read 101.8. Staring at it for a moment, a voice breaks my reverie.

"You're sick!" She accuses me.

I roll my eyes. "It's just a fever." I cough.

"And a cough." She comes up behind me to push me back into the bedroom. "Get in bed now and sleep."

I mutter under my breath. "You're bossy."

"Where do you keep the medicine?"

Lifting the corner of the bedspread, I climb in. "Cabinet."

She pads back into the room and sits on the edge to hand me a couple of pills and a bottle of water. Putting her hand on my forehead, her face scrunches up. "Poor Baby."

"I'm fine." I bring the covers up under my chin.  
"No you're not." She straightens the blankets and glances over at the clock.

Remembering her previous conversation, "You don't have to stay. Go and meet your group to finish the project."

Her eyes are worried. "But I don't want to leave you like this."

I smile but close my eyes. "I'll be okay. I have been sick before."

"But…"

"Don't worry." I roll on my side to face her.

She looks down at me for another moment and pops up and out of the room. I didn't think it'd be that easy to get rid of her, but I roll over as I feel Adso climb on the bed and lay his head on my stomach. I reach my arm out of the covers to rest on his back, his tail occasionally flicking my forearm gently. "Okay," she reappears at my side. "I've got another bottle of water and a box of juice. Here's the bottle of Tylenol, Kleenex, and the phone in case you need something else."

I smile at her concern. "Thanks."

"Call me if something comes up."

Turning on my side again, I hear her leaving my apartment closing the door with a gentle click.

---

Adso is nudging my arm, and I'm struggling to open my eyes in the dim lighting. He barks. "What's wrong?" He jumps off the bed and I hear him scratching the front door with his paws. Heaving my body up from the bed I slowly follow him and hear the sound of a faint knocking. I open the door to find her wide eyed. "Hey."

She looks guilty as soon as her eyes rest on mine. "I wasn't sure if I should come back. I didn't want to wake you up or anything, but I wanted to make sure you were okay. I'm sorry."

Her flurry of words makes my head throb and I just lean forward to hug her. "It's fine."

"You're all hot." She closes the door for me and steers me back into the direction of the bedroom. "I tried to come back earlier, but those guys couldn't finish their parts. I had to do most of it, damn it. "

"Huh." I lean on her for support and I plop back into bed. Adso jumps up as well and crawls under the covers with me. She's tucking the both of us in and I can barely concentrate on her. I hear her walking around the room to turn off the light. "You leaving?"

"No." The bed dips again as she sits on the edge to take off her shoes. Shedding most of her clothes, she slides in next to me. "Move Sweetie."

"What?"

"Your dog."

He climbs around me to move to my other side. I pet him. Her body is cool and a welcomed sensation to my feverish skin. She moves my arm over her so that she can snuggle into my chest, and move a bit to accommodate her. She's rubbing the arm that I've thrown around her shoulders and she slips one of her legs around mine. "Do you want some cough medicine? I brought what I had from my room."

I shake my head and open my mouth to tell her no but find myself coughing instead.

"Come on, just sit up and I'll grab it for you."

Doing as I'm told I prop myself on my pillows. She comes back on the bed with the little medicine cup with a horrible red substance in it. I shake my head and make a face.

She swats my chest and comes close to spilling it all over my bed. "Jess, drink it."

"No." I croak and my throat is scratchy.

She tips the cup close to my lips. "Now."

I keep my lips shut and shake my head again.

"Big Baby. Hurry up so that we can go to sleep."

I close my eyes tightly and take the medicine with a shudder. "Yuck."

"Here." She hands me the bottle of water.

Washing down the fake taste of cherry, I replace the cap back on the water. "That's the worst."  
Taking the water from me and turning the light off again, she settles in next to me. "Well, it'll help you and you'll feel much better in the morning."

I slide back under the covers.

"Now sleep."

---

My eyes are heavy, but they cooperate as I open them in the morning light. The room is cool but not too cold and I stretch my arms and legs with a sigh. I clear my throat and find that it's not as sore as before and I don't find the need to cough when I take a deep breath. I turn next to me but find that I'm alone in bed. There's a note on the side table and I reach for it.

_Morning! Hope you're feeling better. Got up early and took Adso out for a walk. Be back soon._ She ended the note with a happy face drawn on the bottom. Throwing the covers off me, I reach for a pair of sweats to throw over my boxers. I hear the door bang and the clamor of Adso's paws. "We're home."

From inside my room, I smile out of sight hearing her refer to my apartment as home. I might have done it unintentionally at Christmas but it had never come up again in conversation. "Hey. I'll be right out."

She pops up at the door and smiles. "You look better."

"I feel better." My dog comes up and weaves in an out of my legs as I walk towards her. I stop to pet him. "Early morning walk huh? Aren't you lucky?" He sits down to use this leg to scratch his belly and I turn my attention to her. "Thanks for taking care of him."

"Nah, no problem. We had fun, didn't we?"

I kiss her forehead. "Good morning."

"Hey." She runs her hands down my chest. "I bought breakfast." Grabbing my hand she leads me into the kitchen.

"Hold on a sec." I go into my extra room that I use for a study to riffle through the drawer.

"Whatcha doing?"

Turning around I hide my hands behind my back. Approaching her with a smirk, I quickly reach one hidden hand behind her ear and keep my fist closed in front of her.

"That better not be a coin you just pulled out of my ear." She rolls her eyes.

I open my palm.

"This is a key." She deadpans.

"Yes."

Raising an eyebrow, she's expecting me to continue.

Relenting, "It's a key to my apartment."

She opens her mouth.

"I was just thinking that it'd be useful for you. You know, for situations like last night. Or for whenever you want to come over."

"Wow. This is serious." She takes the solitary key from me and examines it. "Um, thanks." She hugs me tightly.

I kiss her briefly. "Let's eat." I leave her in my study and walk into the kitchen, knowing that she'll follow once she gathers her wits again.

She's not coming out of the room and suddenly I hear her quick steps. "You just gave me a key to your apartment." Her eyes are wide.

Turning with a bagel in hand, "Nothing gets past you, does it?" I spread on the cream cheese that she bought.

"Wait." She rounds the corner of the kitchen. "What does this mean?"

I take a bite. "What do you mean, what does this mean?"

"Well, this seems like…" Her face is curious. "This seems like serious couple stuff."

I shrug. "We're not?"

"I didn't say that."

"You implied it."

Her head tilts.

"What more do you want? You've said 'I love you,' you've seen me sick, I've seen you cry, we've showered together, I've seen your underwear. Clean and dirty." I chuckle.

"Hey! You were the one who tagged along during my laundry day."

"Doing laundry together isn't 'serious couple' enough for you?"

She ignores me and holds the key in front of her examining it closer. "Do you have a keychain for me?"

"No. I didn't plan it all out, giving you the key. I just wanted to do it."

"Hum." She slips the key into her front pocket. "Thanks."

I nod.

---

I hear the door open. "Jess? You home?"

My desk chair scrapes back against the floor and I poke my head around the door. "Yeah?"

She smiles broadly and drops her backpack and a small duffle next to my couch and walks quickly towards me. "Hi." Wrapping her arms around for a hug, she relaxes against me. "You haven't left the house?"

I pull back. "No, why?"

"Nothing. Just asking." She shakes her head in emphasis. "You're just wearing pajamas in the middle of the day, that's all."

I chuckle at her statement. "I told you I'm a homebody. What's the point of changing if I'm going to pad around the apartment all day? Look nice for my dog?"

She giggles. "Guess not."

"So, what's up?" I go back to sit down on my chair.

"Just finished class." She sits down on the floor next to my desk and looks up at me. "I'm bored."

"Stay here then."

"And do what?"

"Don't know. Hang out." Adso has come over to sniff her and he places his paws on her lap to lick at her face.

"Come on Puppy, let's go watch T.V." She gets up without a glance at me to go into the living room. "You coming?" She shouts.

"I can't. I have to finish this." I reply and turn back to my computer screen.

"Your loss." I hear her turn on the television and then politely turn down to the volume so that I can concentrate on my paper.

The phone rings and I look around the desk for it. Realizing that it's in the cradle in the living room, "Can you answer that for me?"

"Yeah." I hear shuffling and then a muffled, "Hello? Jess's apartment."

I shake my head in amusement.

"Yeah he's here. May I ask who's calling? Dr. Bennett's office? Hold on." Her head appears around the doorway. "Dr. Bennett?" She holds out the phone for me.

"Thanks." I reach for the phone, but I hold onto her hand and she giggles, falling into my lap. She's pulling her legs up to cross them on top of mine and she swivels the chair. "This is Jess. Yes. Tomorrow, that's fine. Thank you." I turn off the phone and lay it down on the desktop.

"Doctors?"

"Optometrist. Yearly check up."

She tilts her head and comes very close to my face to examine my eyes. "You wear glasses?"

I smile. "Yeah. Mostly contacts, but I have a pair of glasses."

"Oh." A small frown appears. "I didn't know that." She pauses and looks thoughtful. "There's a lot of practical stuff about you I don't know about."

"Like what?"

"Well I didn't know about that allergy thing to shellfish and somehow the fact that you wear glasses totally skipped my comprehension. I've never seen you take out your contacts."

"The couple of times you've stayed over I was too preoccupied with you so I left them in overnight." I smirk. I run my forefinger across the bridge of her nose, tracing freckles. "You wear glasses?"

"No." She smiles and pauses. I'm amused to hear her shyly admit, "But I do have a thing for guys in glasses."  
"Do you? You never said anything."

"Because I didn't know you wore them."

I use my hands to keep her from falling off my lap and the chair. "And now that you know I wear them?"

"Do you have those black square plastic frames?" She bites her lip.

"As a matter of fact, I do."

"Can I see them?"

I lean forward to kiss her. "Maybe if you're lucky."

"Can't wait." Jumping off my lap, "What do you want for dinner?" Food is always on her mind.

I give her an incredulous look, "Don't tell me you cook?"

"Hey, I resent that." Her hands go to her hips in defiance. "I could cook."

"Do you?"

Her arms go back down in defeat. "No. But I can order take out with the best of them."

Chuckling, "How about I make dinner?"

"But you're busy. I don't want to interrupt your paper."

"Make you a deal. If you go out and buy a bag of pasta shells, I'll make dinner when you come back."

She looks apprehensive. "I don't know which ones to buy."

"Here," I grab a piece of paper and write down the brand name and the size of the bag. "Just get these."

She takes the note. "Okay." She's staring at it.

"Do you know where the supermarket is?" I tease.

"Yes I do." She pulls in her chin. "I'm not that bad."

---

"What's with the duffel?" I point using my fork.

"Oh," She stops chewing. "It's just some of my stuff. For tonight. For other nights. Is that okay that I leave them here?"

I smile. "Yeah. That's fine."

"And, I have these…" She goes over to her backpack and returns to the table with a couple of brochures.

"What's that?"

"These are career pamphlets that I got in the English department."

I roll my eyes. "Rory, I won't find my future career looking at some brochure that the English counselors put together."

"Sheesh." She thumbs through one of them. "You sure are touchy about this career thing."

"I am not." I reply like a petulant child.

"You are too. You called me Rory."

"Well," I sigh and reach over her plate to take one. "It's just I don't want to pick a career out of a flyer. There's more to it than that. Opportunities, the company, locations…" I trail off.

"At least this can give you an idea of what sounds good that can put your major to use."

"Lots of people's jobs are in no way linked to whatever they got a degree in."

"Sure, but you chose English because it was interesting to you. And you're good at it. I've read some of your stuff. Just take a look; I already went through the trouble getting them." She picks up another. "Here, what about publishing? That kinda sounds like fun. Maybe you can work in the sector where you preview new authors. Like a talent scout for books."

"Huh." She hands it to me and I look over the blurbs. It talks about the various degrees needed, a general starting salary, and different example companies that take graduates fresh out of school.

She bumps her shoulder into mine. "Told you it was a good idea."

Playfully, "I won't admit to anything."

She rolls her eyes but goes back to concentrating on the pasta. "I did a good job picking out this pasta. Look at these shells. Just the right size. Not too big so that there's too much sauce, but not too small either so that there's no sauce. Perfect size." She's examining one on her fork.

Distracted I reply, "Yeah, yeah. Job well done Goldilocks."

---

"What the hell are we watching?"

The bed shifts as she looks over at me. "_Full House_."

"I'm sorry, have we suddenly gone back in time to the mid-nineties?"

She complains. "You're not even watching. You're reading."

Knowing that she's right, I shut up.

Clicking off the television, she turns and ducks her head down to catch the title of the book I'm reading. "For class?"

I reply without looking up. "Yeah."

"Can I borrow a book?"

"Help yourself. There's some on the end table and under the bed, but most are in the study."

"Hm." She hangs off the edge of the bed checking out the titles. "Hello Kurt."

I look up and she returns to sit up next to me. "Find something?"

"Yeah, _Welcome to the Monkey House_." She opens it up and slides under the covers. Looking around she appears curious. "Where's Adso?"

I turn another page. "Sometimes he likes to stay on the couch."

She snuggles up to my side. "It's weird not having him in bed too."

"He'll probably come later."

"Oh." She hops out of bed to open the door just a crack so that he can nudge it open should he wish to come in.

I read another paragraph and uncap the highlighter to mark a couple of words. Adjusting my glasses on my face, I write a short note in the margin of my textbook. She's getting settled into the Vonnegut novel and the only sounds in the room are the occasional ones of pages being turned and the odd chuckle from her. I glance over at her jealously at her seeing that she can read for leisure and I have to read for school.

Dog-earing the page, she shimmies her way down into the covers and brings it up to her chin and then over her head. I shake my head at her, but she can't see me. Her head comes back into view and I can feel her studying my face. "What is it?" I ask without looking.

"Glasses. I like it. Especially with the messy hair straight out of the shower." She blushes. "Very attractive."

Her blunt comment makes me stop my reading to look at her. She doesn't really comment much on my appearance besides the generic 'you look nice.' "Really?" I'm surprised as she pitches forward to kiss me and I drop my pen to hold her arms. I reach up to my face to take them off, but she stops me.

"Leave them on?"

I smirk. "You really do like them. Is this like a thing of yours?"

She shrugs delicately. "Well, just leave them on for now."

I close the book and it falls onto the floor with a thud as I lean over her lying form to properly kiss her. The bed shifts under us as I support my weight on my forearms. I slide my left hand down her arm and then up under her shirt. "What's with you wearing my shirts to bed?"

"I like them."

"Can I take it off?"

She smiles but squirms under me and takes it off herself. Tossing it off with a silent giggle, she runs cold palms up my arms to stop at my shoulders. "Good shoulders. Strong."

I look to see what she's going on about. "Huh."

She places a gentle kiss on my bicep. "Yep."

Kissing her, I effectively shut her up. Bringing a hand towards her, I dance fingers along the length of her body, stopping at the underside of her breast. She sighs against my mouth and warm hands come in contact with her. Knowing that we've been interrupted a few times in our last attempts, I savor the moment and let her do so as well. She's shifting her hips brazenly and I slowly make my way down from her now parted lips to the side of her jaw, trailing wet kisses as I go. My palm kneads soft flesh and her small hands come to grip hard at my shoulders. She's digging blunt nails into me and I tug at a puckered nipple in response. I almost bite the skin at her shoulder as I feel her hand worming its way into my boxers and I can't help but thrust into her. I leave her breast and shoulder and use flat palms placed by her head to support my weight as I drop my head that suddenly feels too heavy against her lifted forehead. I can feel my mouth parting as I gulp in air. No matter how many times we come to this point, it always feels new and exciting.

Rolling onto my side and quickly ditching my glasses onto the bedside table, I pull her into me, but trail my hands down her back to tug at her underwear. She's doing the same and I lift my hips to help her get me out of mine. Finally upon mutual success, she places her leg in between mine and effectively pushes me on my back and looks at me from above. She's smiling and I reach up to part knotted hair from her face. I smirk watching her playfully pretending to nip at my fingers. She pushes against me and my hands go to her hips to move with her. Using hands to brace against my upper abdomen, her eyes drift shut but I watch her intently. I sit up, now eyelevel with her chest and take her left breast into my mouth, working it while my hand reaches for the other. She's gripping my shoulders now, pushing herself against my mouth and hand and she's squirming hard against me. I vaguely hear a moan escape from her; it's muted but it's there and it delights me. Switching attention to the right breast, my hands go around to rest on the curve of her lower back, putting just enough pressure on her to bring her closer to her edge. Fingers are tangled into my hair and she's pulling slightly, but enough for me to read the signs. She's close. Running wet tongue around a hardened nipple does the trick and she's suddenly tightening against me without a sound and I slow down my actions as she slumps towards me, heavy and sleepy.

Sitting on my lap, she moves my head away from her chest, "No. It tickles afterwards and feels weird."

I nod and lay back as she does the same next to me on the bed. Scooting back close to me, she seems to be very cuddly right now, and I don't have the heart to push her anymore. I return her lazy smile with a tight one but I can feel my body pulsating, knowing that I'm all riled up and searching for release. Reading my body language, she slips her hand beneath the covers to take a hold of me and my eyes roll into the back of my head at the feeling. She's becoming bolder as she takes me and I can't say I have any room to complain. Eyes closed, I concentrate on the feeling of her hands and I can't help but push into her, finding that I had thrust square into her hip. She giggles and it brings me out of my sex fog for the moment. I rest my forehead against hers and sigh. "The things you do to me, Gilmore."

"Like what?"

"Like make me loose my head."

"Is that some sort of dirty pun?"

I laugh loudly, loving how being with her can be sexy one moment and a battle of wits in another. Not answering her ridiculous question, I kiss her on the lips, slowly and deliberately. She's let go of me to frame my face with her small hands and her fingers curl around the shell of my ears in affection. The ache in my body is more than I can stand and as I pull out of the kiss I see that she's already reaching over to the nightstand for a condom. I help her rip the foil and watch from above as she rolls it onto me, releasing with a reassuring squeeze. I brace myself up with straining forearms.

With bent knees, she bumps one into my thigh. "I like feeling your weight on me."

Barely hearing her words, I look down. "I'm too heavy."

"It's alright."

With a quick nod I enter her but also let her feel my body on hers. She arches up and tightens her muscles but doesn't complain about the added weight. My eyes slam shut and I feel her fingers pushing hair off my forehead. She lays a tender kiss in its place. I pull back and open my eyes to see her place bent legs around my hips and I motion for her to move them up to my waist instead. She complies and I thrust harder this time, feeling my end approaching only too soon but knowing that I was significantly roused earlier during foreplay. Inner muscles clamp down on me and I howl feeling my toes curl and then a quick uncontrollable spasm of my body against hers. I drop on her, not bothering at all with the worry that I might be too much for her to support. Instead of feeling her pushing me away, she wraps slightly sweaty arms around my torso, humming quietly as she kisses my neck. Muscles that were tight a moment ago are utterly relaxed and I turn to my side, facing her but barely touching.

My eyelids are heavy and I search under the covers for the curve of her hip and rest my free hand there as I close my eyes, listening to the sounds of her catching her breath.

---

My alarm is drawing me quickly out of my sleepy state and I shoot my hand out from beneath the covers to shut it off. I blink in the dim light and turn to see her body curled and facing away from me. I peel back the covers and grab my boxers from the floor to slip them on. I don't want to bother with the lights knowing that she doesn't need to wake up this early today. She doesn't have class but I don't have that luxury. Padding softly to the connected bathroom, I close the door behind me soundlessly and flip on the light. Examining my face in the mirror, I grab my toothbrush. Splashing water on my face, I run my palm across my cheek, feeling the stubble there but realizing that I don't have much time until my class starts. The shower rattles a bit as it comes to life and I step under the hot water, feeling relaxed at the moment.

I leave the bedroom door open as I walk into the front room and Adso picks up his head from the couch and trots over to greet me. With a quick scratch behind his ears, I grab a breakfast bar and a bottle of water from the pantry. Turning around an empty envelope that had contained my electric bill I grab the pen that was laying on the countertop to write her a quick note.

_Morning. Went to class. Help yourself to whatever you want. There's leftover pizza in the fridge. I'll call. _

I reach for my jacket and slip it on as I grab my keys from the hook and my bag from the kitchen table. With damp hair falling on my face, I smile at Adso and gently lock the front door.

---

I flip open my phone. "Hello?"

"Hey."

I smile. "Hi." I lengthen my strides as I approach the cart. "Sleep well?" Stepping into line, I use my free hand to dig out my wallet and look over to the board to read today's specials.

"Yeah, thanks. You left without saying goodbye."

"I didn't want to wake you."

"I don't like waking up without you."

I duck my head down and concentrate on her voice as the line moves up another person. "I'll keep that in mind." Shifting my weight, "What are you up today?"

"I'm working on the school paper. You?"

"I'm getting lunch right now."

"Sandwich cart?"

I smirk. "Of course. What else?"

"You know Jess, there are other things to eat on campus." I can imagine her rolling her eyes.

"I like what I know."

"Creature of habit." A beat. "Listen, I called because I needed to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

"Well," she pauses and sounds nervous. "I kinda broke one of your mugs this morning."

"Kinda?"

"I was making coffee and I went to get one of your mugs to catch the first cup because I couldn't wait for the whole pot to brew and as I was grabbing the cup, it just slipped out of my hands. I'm sorry."

"It's alright." The sandwich guy gestures to me and I cover the mouthpiece of the phone with my hand. "Yeah, I'll have the roast beef on wheat, extra lettuce, and a water. Thanks." I hand him my money and stand off to the side to wait. Returning to my conversation with her, "Don't worry about it."

"I'll replace it."

I smile at her manners.

"So I've been assigned this article about the recent private donation to the art program and I was wondering if you could read it over for me."

The guy hands me my sandwich and I look around for an empty bench. "I don't know anything about writing for the school paper."

"I need fresh eyes. I've been staring at it for far too long to look at it objectively. Please." She's dragging out that last word like a child.

I unwrap my roast beef and take a bite. "Yeah, sure. Come over to my place later?"

"No, I can't. Meet me at the library. I'm getting together with some people in my class later to study."

"Okay, what time?"

"Five alright with you?"

"Yeah. See you then." My mouth is full and I'm trying to finish off my lunch before my next class.

"Thanks."

"Bye." I close my phone and twist off the cap to my bottle of water.

---

Plopping down on a chair next to her, I'm thoroughly annoyed. "Do you have any idea how big this library is Rory? I've been looking all over for you and you haven't been answering your phone." My voice is hushed since we've in a library, but it sounds irritated.

"Is it five o'clock already?" Her face is baffled and she slides out her cell to reveal many missed calls from me. "Oh, I'm so sorry."

I roll my eyes at her obliviousness. "It's half past five because I've been scouring the library for you."

She cups her hand around my jaw. "Sorry Baby."

Her chosen tactic to bring me out of my mood has worked just by calling me 'Baby' and I offer her a tight smile. "Alright, let's see that paper."

"Right." She's digging through her crap that is all around the large table and brandishes a couple sheets of paper with various red marks correcting her writing. "This is it. I haven't written the last part yet, to tie everything together, but basically I'm done."

Out of the corner of my eye I see her scooting her chair closer to mine and I carelessly drape my left arm along the back of it. I scan her article to get a feel of it, and then settle in to read it with a critical eye. At first she's nervously watching me read, but after several moments she's returned to her textbook, letting me correct her article in peace. "Here, you wrote about the recent surges in private donations, but it doesn't flow with the rest of the article if you're reporting about the specific one made last week." I point to the paragraph. "And it's not interesting, people won't read that. They just want to know how that new donation will affect them if they're in the art program."

She takes it out of my hands to see for herself. "Hm. Okay."

I turn my head to watch her use her pen to make notes to herself and I move my arm from the back of the chair to her shoulders. Bending to kiss her on the nape of her neck, she squirms against me. She turns and instead of kissing her again, I stare at her. She breaks the eye contact by dipping her head down. I sit back and stretch my legs out under the table. My knees pop at the movement.

"Are you in a hurry to leave?" She whispers.

"Want me to stick around?"

"Yes please."

"What about your study group?"

She waves her hand in dismissal. "Not for another half hour." Her ponytail flutters with her movements. "Hey, how was your eye appointment?"

"Fine. Got a new prescription for contacts."

She smiles, but doesn't respond. Turning back to her homework, I reach around my chair to pull my notebook from my bag. I uncap my pen, but it doesn't write and I flip to a random page to scribble all over it, finding that it's out of ink. "You have a pen I could borrow?"

Handing me hers without even looking, she digs into her backpack for a new one. I make several notations in my book, but then I rest my pen on the table and look around the room aimlessly. Running my hand nervously through my hair, I lean over to whisper, "My dad has a friend who knows a guy that works in publishing. He agreed to meet with me."

Wide eyes turn to greet my apprehensive ones. "Wow, really? When did this happen?"

"I was talking to Dad this morning on the phone. He's been kinda pushing me to find direction after I graduate. Barring any odd circumstances, this should be my last semester."

"Why didn't you say so? I thought you had more to go." She looks mildly upset with me.

I shrug in nonchalance. "I wasn't really keeping track. But I met with my advisor a while ago and she just said that if I take on a larger class load this semester then I can graduate, granted that I pass all my classes."

She's chewing on her pen cap. "So you're leaving Yale."

I give her an odd look. "That was always the plan once I graduated."

"Will you be leaving New Haven?"

I look at her reassuringly. "I'm just meeting the guy, not moving across the country tomorrow."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

---

_This message is for Jess Mariano. This is Ben Robbins. I'm calling about our appointment next week; I was hoping to move it up to this coming weekend instead. Saturday will be best for me. Sorry about the short notice, but I have a last minute business trip the same day we originally agreed to meet. Call me back and we'll make something work. Thanks, bye. _

I fish out my phone from my pocket and scroll down to where I had saved his number. I back up and hop on my kitchen counter to sit and select his number. "Hello. Mr. Robbins?"

"Yes?" His voice comes through clear and strong.

"It's Jess Mariano. I'm just returning your call to let you know that Saturday will be fine."

I hear some papers shuffling. "Great, and please call me Ben. Yeah, sorry about moving it up so suddenly but I need to fly out to California that day."

"No, no problem."

"Well, I had heard a bit about you through Jimmy, but I'd like to talk to you now before we meet."

"Alright." Butterflies build up in my stomach.

"I don't know if Jimmy told you anything about the company, but we're a small publishing house that's relatively new but we're looking to expand into the business. We've got some authors lined up with us right now, but they still need to get their work out there. Basically Dog-Eared Publishing is trying to make itself known just as much as our authors. I just have a couple of guys working with me and at this point we're all just searching for authors that are worth our time to represent. My guys are young, none of us are over thirty and neither are our authors. Jimmy said you're about to graduate."

"Yes, Yale."

I hear him whistle. "Good. After we meet on Saturday, if we get along, you're welcome to come and check us out in New York."

"New York?"

"Yeah, that's where we base our business."

"Oh." Dad had neglected to mention that.

"Problem?"

"No, no problem."

"Good. See you then."

"Thanks."

---

**AN: **Feelings? Reviews really do help the writing process. Thanks!


	14. Premise

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 14: Premise

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN: **This is an evolution. Just like in real life, there isn't always going to be drama. Not every couple has fights all the time, and certainly not when the chapters follow each other in a relatively short period of time. And when the story seems…drab, or even to the point of tedious…life can be like that. One of the characteristics of Lux is that it's very real. Up to the point where people are boring and life just swirls around them instead of engulfing them whole.

Please remember to review when you're done. A lot of work goes into this story, and the small favor of a review really does make my day. Thanks.

And Hallon…thanks.

Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when they discover each other? Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors. AU.

---

"Jess?" He reaches for my hand and gives me a firm shake. "Nice to meet you. I'm Ben."

"Thanks for meeting with me."

"No problem." He gestures to the free chair across the table and I slide out the chair. "Pleasure's all mine." Looking around, he politely flags a waiter over. "Coffee okay for you Jess?"

"Yeah." I shrug off my jacket and drape it across my chair.

"Two coffees please." Hands clasped in front of him, he looks friendly. "So, why the publishing business?"

"To be honest, I didn't really know what I had wanted to do until recently. But this just seemed…right." I trail off thinking I must sound like an idiot.

He smiles. "I didn't know what I wanted to do until two years after I graduated. As long as we're being honest, I haven't hired anyone on my staff that wasn't there from the beginning when I had the idea for my company. And I have my doubts letting someone else into my inner circle."

"So why meet me?"

"You came highly recommended from Jimmy and my father trusts him."

"Your father?" My eyebrows shoot up.

"Yeah, Greg is my father. But he's also a large investor in Dog-Eared. So if my dad trusts Jimmy enough to do business with him, then I figured I can trust Jimmy's opinion as well."

"Alright."

"Jess, why should I hire you to work for me?"

Surprised, I think quickly. "I know books. I know them from classics to contemporary and I have the instincts to know what makes a good book. What makes one sell versus collect dust on the shelves, but I also know that not all great books sell and I still believe in them."

He smirks. "Good. I desperately need a scout for new authors. New York is crawling with them, but I don't have the resources to scour them all. The guys I work with are great business minds; I wouldn't have been able to get the company off the ground without them. But truthfully, they react to books with a pretty cover." Chuckling, "I'll make you a deal. I'll give you a month and you give me some authors. A trial run for the both of us. Represent Dog-Eared and look for fresh names. Because we're unknown, people don't send us manuscripts and we just have to do things this way until we do get known. We can set you up with a place to stay for the month and we'll just go from there."

I'm in shock. I had assumed this meeting would just teach me some practical knowledge about the publishing business, not an offer for a job. The opportunity is wonderful. I can't let something like this pass, especially knowing the difficulties that every college graduate faces when trying to enter the work force. I need to prove that I can stand on my own two feet without the constant aid of Dad's money. Even if that is what got me this meeting. "When will I start?"

"As soon as you graduate I would like for you to come and get a lay of the land."

"Okay."

"Great." He takes a sip of coffee. Moments pass and I just play with a packet of sugar. "Tell me about yourself Jess."

"Um, what do you want to know?"

"Whatever. Just tell me something. You'll find that working for me is really laid back. The guys and I loaf around more than I should admit. But we still get things done at the end of the day. They're my friends and sometimes it's like we're still in college. I'd like to know more about you if you're going to be spending time with us."

I chuckle. "I've just turned twenty-four. Spent more time at Yale than I should have, but I'm not complaining. I waffled around and there's no one else to blame. I have an apartment and a dog in New Haven, close to school."

"Girlfriend?"

I should be put off by that question, but oddly enough I'm not. This guy has a disarming personality. He can ask personal questions and tell you something personal without it seeming too soon or too much. I could like this guy. "Yeah."

"And…?" He gestures for me to continue. He's teasing me but in a friendly manner.

This meeting feels less like a business transaction and more like a personal lunch. "Her name's Rory. She goes to Yale as well."

"She about to graduate soon too?"

Shaking my head, I bite the inside of my cheek. "No. Not for a while."

"She procrastinates as well?"

"Not her. She's just a bit younger."

Nodding and reading my expression, he leans back on his chair with a smirk that I note looks a lot like mine. "That seems like a good story for another day."

I look away with a hidden smile.

---

Leaving the restaurant, I shove my hands into my pockets. I had chosen to walk given that the café was just a couple of blocks away from my apartment and it hasn't been that cold lately. Breathing in deeply, I smile at the opportunity that has just been offered to me. How exciting. In the stillness of the moment with just the sounds of my footsteps and heartbeat, I can let the full impact of what had just passed absorb into me. I've just been given the chance for a job fresh out of college working in a publishing house. Sure, it's not a big name company, but I'm also not graduating Yale only to go to the workforce where I'll have to get some guy his morning coffee. I'm not the guy who will get lunches, or do Starbucks runs, or file away papers hoping that one-day I can move up the corporate ladder. And plus, I never imagined myself putting on a suit everyday and punching in a timecard. With Ben, there's independence in sight. He's running his own business and still he's a hands-on guy. He knows what he wants and trusts me enough to go and find new authors for him. What an opportunity. I can make a difference. I can go and discover the next Hemmingway who's only a starving writer, working as a waiter in the day but scribbling away at a notebook by night. The fame doesn't motivate me; it's knowing that I've done something worthwhile for the literature community that will survive long after I die. It's something to say that I've contributed to the writing world.

But damn, it's in New York. That's a couple hours away from New Haven. This has never been my permanent home and I don't have any qualms about leaving here, but I'd have to leave Rory. I love New York, especially the city. I always wanted to live there when I grew up; watching city life from upstate just isn't the same as experiencing it for myself. How different it must be to leave the apartment in the middle of the night for Chinese takeout, or even just to walk around a city that doesn't sleep. Think about the all the things that I can encounter. New sights; new sounds; new smells. The real feel of New York City. The adventurer in me jumps at the thought and I can feel the anticipation building in the pit of my stomach.

But to leave Rory…how can I? After almost twenty-four years and never really having been in a really serious relationship, I don't know if I can just walk away from it. From her; from us. All that we've invested. Everything I've put myself through. Everything that I've promised her. Does a couple hundred miles change the fact that I love her? Will distance damper my feelings? Have I just been in this relationship because it was forbidden? Because it was convenient? In the course of discovering the city, will I discover someone else and ruin any chance I have with Rory? I might not have been committed in the past, but now that I am, I don't feel like I can run out on her. It's not who I am. I gave a promise and I don't like being the guy who bolts. Even though I have a tendency to run when there are problems. If I can't see the problem and it's not in front of me, then it doesn't exist. Just because I do that sometimes, doesn't make me proud of that fact. Gut reactions are just what they are. Defense mechanisms. Nothing more, nothing less. But I've relatively gotten over that with her. I like, no, I love being with her. And I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to disappoint myself.

But what am I talking about? Plenty of people do long distance relationships. Contrary to what's been said to me in the past, people make relationships work even long distance ones if both people want it to work. You don't change your feelings just because you can't see the other person every day. People make relationships work because they choose to, damn it, not because they're forced to. Choice. And it's not like I'm on the other side of the country. I'm just a couple hours away. I can always make the trip to New Haven on the weekends. And she can always come see me. But not being able to see her pop by my apartment anymore? Am I willing to risk that? That spontaneity is something that I love. I like seeing her come by whenever she wants. Hell, she comes by when she has a half hour before class just to have a cup of coffee with me. She won't be sleeping in my bed every night. Not that she does that now, but she does spend at least a couple nights with me. Now that I've slept with her, can I just know what that feels like and still sleep alone at night? By myself? And just wait for the weekends where I can just spend a night or two with her? And what about her? Can she do it? I've seen other guys look at her when we're out. She might be naïve and blind to it sometimes but what would stop a guy from approaching her when her boyfriend is hours away? Hours away and only connected with a phone. Can I still be confident in the relationship and not be jealous? And her? Will I give her cause to be jealous as well? With all of my best efforts, can I be utterly faithful when I know she won't be there? What about when the nights are long and the city is bursting with opportunities for the eyes to stray?

Is it horrible for me to want to put my dreams and ambition before our relationship? Is it so bad for me to want this? Can I have both or is that asking too much? But I'm getting ahead of myself. If this whole thing doesn't work out, then I don't even have to consider moving to New York. Don't jump the gun.

---

"So, how did it go?" She questions behind me.

Concentrating on the lock of my front door, I reply. "It was good." Turning back as I release the lock, I smile in her direction.

"Yeah?" She has a broad smile on her face. "He offered you the internship?"

I don't correct her and say that it's actually a job and not an internship. "He offered me a trial run with him to see how it would work." I let her step into the apartment before me.

"That's great Jess." She launches herself into me for a hug.

Laughing, "Thanks. If it works, I'm pretty excited about it."

"You should be." Her face brightens. "Oh, we should celebrate!" Jumping up and down in my living room, her eyes are extremely wide. "Let's go out for dinner. Or coffee. Go shower and we'll leave." She's ushering me towards my room, but stops. "No, wait. Call your mom and dad first. No, let's eat first. Wait; shower first." She's rambling on.

I laugh despite knowing the fact that I have yet to drop the bomb on her. She has no idea how far I will actually be. "How about I just change my shirt and we'll go out for dinner?"

"Great. Good idea." Pushing me again, "Go, shoo. Go and change."

I drag my feet as I approach the closet and I stare at the choices for a long moment. Just what am I going to tell her? 'Sorry Rory, but I've decided to move to New York'. But that's not true right? I haven't even been officially hired, and I still need to test the waters to see if he'll still want me. That's right. Don't panic. There's nothing to be afraid about. I should be excited. I'm not leaving just yet.

"Jess?" I see her face poke around the corner and she stays at the entrance of the bedroom. She smiles softly. "I'm proud of you."

Forcing a smile, I pull a shirt off the hanger and sit back on my bed. The shirt is beginning to ball up in my fist. I'm making it wrinkled. Even though I know the future is not set in stone, and certainly that I'm not leaving for sure, I have the sudden urge to at least tell her the details. "Rory?"

"Yeah?" I hear her calling from the other room.

Still unmoving from my spot on the bed, I hang my head and call reluctantly, "Could you come in here, please?"

"Alright." She pops back in with a luminous smile gracing her features. "What's up?"

Her good mood doesn't lift my spirits. It just drops a sinking feeling into my stomach. "I think we need to talk."

"Okay." Sitting gently next to me her eyes search my face. "I know what you're going to say. I know it's your big day and all, but maybe we could try a new restaurant? Come on and be adventurous."

Despite the anxious feeling, I smile at her misunderstanding. "I don't think I was entirely clear about this whole thing with Dog-Eared Publishing."

"Why? What's going on?"

"Well, I had told you that Dad knew someone and that's how I got this interview."

She nods.

"Turns out this guy who owns Dog-Eared is his son. And he's willing to give me a trial run to see if I'll fit in and if it's worth it for him to hire me."

"Hire?" Her eyes widen. "Wow, that's great. I thought it was just an internship."

"Well, apparently this guy is pretty trusting in his father's opinion. That and Greg, his dad, is a large investor in the company. He's given me a month trial. If things work out, he'll offer me a full time job." I slowly end the sentence to gauge her reaction.

It's not what I expect.

She smiles. Broadly. "What's the problem then? Sounds wonderful."

Absentmindedly, I place my hand on her knee. "Ror," I speak softly, "The company is based in New York."

She's staring at me. Blinking several times as if she didn't hear me, she narrows her eyes. "New York City?"

"Yes."

"As in, not New Haven?"  
"Yes."

"As in New York City? _Sex and the City_. The city that never sleeps. The Big Apple."

In any other case, I would mock her for those nicknames for New York, but under these circumstances, I just answer. "Yes."

Suddenly, she's springing back into the conversation. She's becoming more animated, and jerks her knee out of my reach. "What the hell? You're leaving to go to New York City?" She's gotten off the bed and onto her feet. "No. That can't happen. This isn't happening."

"No, not yet. I still have to finish the semester and graduate. I've already told him that I want to finish school first. And don't forget that if things don't work out after the trial period, he won't hire me at all."

She's not listening. "I just can't believe you're leaving. I mean, what am I supposed to say? You told me you wouldn't be leaving New Haven. You promised." She's almost on the borderline of a whine. "You can't leave. I refuse to let you do it."

Slightly amused, "You refuse?" Still calm, I try to reach out to her. "Rory, I never said that. In the library, I just said that I wasn't leaving yet. Not yet."

Not letting me touch her, she moves away from my grasp. "I don't care. You still said that you weren't leaving. You're breaking your promise."

I reiterate, "I never promised." Pause. "It's not even for certain. I'll go for the month and maybe things won't work out." If there's one thing I've learned about her since we've been together it's that she's stubborn. Once she has her mind set on something, she sticks to it.

"What if it does work out?" Her arms are flailing. "That means you'll leave New Haven, move to New York, get this fancy job. Leave. Get a new apartment, new friends, meet lots of new people. Be far away. Leave. And, and…" She takes a deep breath. "And, and…leave. You're just a big…leaver."

I can tell that she's really irrational now. "Rory, please calm down."

"No! I won't calm down. You're patronizing me. And stop using my name! My being calm is reserved for people staying here. My boyfriend just told me that he's decided to leave New Haven without even thinking twice. I mean…you practically jumped at the chance." Her arms are flailing with each punctuation of her points.

She's baiting me into a fight. And I resist. For now. "I didn't jump at the chance. But this is a good opportunity. Do you even realize how hard it is for newly graduated people to get a job in the field they want? Have you thought about it?"

"You can get a job anywhere."

"But this one is now. And it's really good. I can learn from a small company, and I'll basically be scouting new authors. How great is that?"

Arms crossed, she looks down at me from her height advantage due to the fact that she's standing and I'm not. "Great, great, great. That's all you think about, isn't it? Never mind that you're leaving." She's pushing me a little too far.

How can she not understand that this is a good opportunity for me? "Nothing is for certain yet. This is a possibility."

"But you want it to happen, don't you? You want to leave."

I stand up. "Yes, I want this to happen. It's a great career start. But I never, ever said I wanted to leave. If things were up to me, I would stay in New Haven and have this job. But I can't have both."

"So you're saying that the job is more important than me?"

"I didn't say that! I'm not choosing the job over you."

"Oh, really?" Her sarcastic tongue scalds. "I think you are. When someone leaves, it means that they've decided that something is more important. Worth more of their time."

"Rory, why can't you just be happy for me?"

"Happy? What the hell do I have to be happy about?"

"Uh, I don't know." My tone is unfriendly and biting. "Maybe you could be happy for your boyfriend that he's gotten this once in a lifetime opportunity?"

"My boyfriend? You mean the guy who can't wait to leave?"

"Could you stop saying that?" I shout. "I didn't say I wanted to leave. Why can't you hear that Rory? Are you listening?"

"Yeah, I'm listening alright."

I shake my head. "No, you're hearing what you want to hear. All you're listening to is that I might," I stress that word. "Might be leaving. Not will be leaving, but might be leaving. And you're not even considering the fact that this is a good thing for my life."

"How can you be only thinking about yourself?"

"Excuse me?" I'm incredulous. I can't believe she just said that.

"That's right. You're just thinking about how this is a good opportunity. You're not thinking about what this will do to us."

I roll my eyes. "I didn't say that even if I did get the job and moved to New York that I would break up with you. I didn't say that. I didn't even think it." I point at her. "And talk about being selfish. You're just thinking about yourself. And how hard it might be to have a long distance relationship. But people do it, Rory. They make things work. They just put more effort into it."

"Now who wants the best of both worlds? You think that you can have it all? Great job, new city, same girlfriend."

Under my breath, I mutter. "I won't want to keep the same girlfriend if you keep this up."

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing."

"Liar." With hands on hips, she mocks me. "But that's what you do best, right? Lie. Leave."

Who the hell does she think she is? "You know what, maybe leaving will be the best. Get away from here. I don't need this problem."

"Problem? That's what I am to you? A problem? What was I thinking getting involved with you?"

I'm practically shaking in anger. "I don't know. But obviously, we've both made a mistake."

"I'll say." She turns on her heels and I hear her crossing the apartment with quick, sharp steps and the loud banging of my front door.

Slumping down onto the floor, I rub my aching temples. Adso comes into the room inquiring after the noise of our fight, and I feel him nosing his way to my face. I drop my hand and stare at his eyes blankly. He whimpers and lays his head down on my lap. I sigh.

---

_Hey, it's Rory. Leave me a message and I'll call you right back._

Liar. I snap my phone shut. Two and a half weeks and nothing. Not a word. No angry message. No tears. No nothing. Almost three weeks. I haven't been sleeping well during the night. My eyes are shadowed and I'm just so fucking tired. I haven't left my apartment for anything else other than class, walking Adso, and the occasional grocery run. Empty takeout containers litter my fridge and I'm surviving on just grease and coffee. I might as well just shoot it up my veins. Even Adso has stayed away from me these last couple of weeks. He comes to me for dinner and for his daily walk, but it seems like even he's upset with me. Damn dog, taking her side.

The phone is ringing. I grab it off the hook. "Yeah?"

"Jess?"

"Who is this?"

"Luke."

Aw, shit. "What can I do for you?"

"Start by explaining what the hell you did to Rory." His gruff voice invades my senses.

Rolling my eyes, "I don't really have the time for this right now, Luke. Maybe we can schedule our duel for a later time. I'll bring my pistol."

"Cut the bullshit, Jess. You're going to damn well explain why Rory's been over here for the last couple of weeks, looking like someone ran her over with a bus."

"Yeah well, she drove her own bus."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

I shout, not caring who's at the receiving end of it. "It means that she's the one who insisted that it was either one or the other. Not both. People can have both, you know? Both. It's known to happen once in a while."

"What?"

"Never mind." I hang up. Grabbing the bag of chips off the coffee table, I turn on the television.

The phone's ringing again. Mindlessly, I answer. "What?"

"Did you just hang up on me?" Luke again.

"Huh. I guess I did." I turn up the television. "I'm a bit busy right now, Luke. I need to leave."

"Shut up." He growls. "Did you just forget everything we talked about during Christmas?"

"Why don't you ask Rory what happened? Since you seem so intent on finding out. I'm sure she'll be happy to oblige and give you all the details about how I'm unfit as a boyfriend." Bitter, I continue. "And while you're doing that, you might as well ask her why she even bothers to be with me if she doesn't trust me."

"Jess." He sighs. "I just wanted to let you know that she's here. If you want to come by and talk to her…" Trailing off, he leaves it to my imagination.

No. She should be the one who comes to apologize. She was the one who kept insinuating that I wanted to leave and that everything is my fault. "Good to know."

"So…you coming?"

"No."

"Grow up Jess. Just come and apologize."

"When she calms down and realizes the reality of the situation, tell her I'll be here. She has my number and she knows where I live."

Gruffly, "Jess, be a man about it and just swallow your pride. Even if it is her fault, you should be the first to give in. That's how women are. Well, at least that's how the Gilmores are."

Irritated, "Are you giving me advice?"

"I'm just telling you something that would be good for you. Think about it, okay?"

"No." I hang up on him again, and this time he doesn't call back.

---

Checking the answering machine for messages, I push the flashing red button.

_Hey Son. Just called to say 'hi.' I'll be in your area again next week. Maybe we can have lunch? Give me a call. Oh, and call your mother. She's been complaining all week about how she hasn't talked to you in a while. Bye Kiddo._

Beep.

_Uh, hi Jess. _My head whips around at the voice. I stare at the machine. _It's me. Susan. I know this is out of the blue, but…I don't know. I guess I just felt like calling. I know it's been a while, and you probably don't want to talk to me but…I just wanted to talk to you. I'm visiting my parents, so I'm in town for a while. I'll just try you again later. Thanks. Okay, bye._

Beep.

Susan. God, I don't even want to think about her. Not only are things not going well with my current girlfriend, but I also get a phone call from my ex out of the blue? What the hell is going on?

---

Three weeks. Twenty-one days. Three damn weeks. I stare at the phone. I almost laugh through my black mood as Adso jogs over to the table and pick up the phone with his mouth. He drops it on the couch and barks. Shaking my head at him, "No, if anything, she should call me. She was the one who was picking the fight. And you should have heard the things she was accusing me of. You'd think you would stand on my side." He barks again. "People do long distance all the time, you know? It's not impossible."

Standing, I pick up my coat from the back of the couch and grab Adso's leash off its hook by the door. "Come on, let's go." I might not want to leave the apartment, but owning a dog makes it difficult to do so. He trots over to me, although I notice he's doesn't look too excited, just like me. Snapping the leash to his collar, I grab my keys and lock the door behind me.

The air is cold and crisp and we're just taking our time walking in the direction of the campus. It's our normal routine and I just let him lead. He's sniffing the ground as he walks and I yank on his leash to stop him from eating bits of food off the ground. "Hey, that's trash. I don't want you getting sick and I know I'll be stuck in the middle of the night cleaning it." We come up to a bench and I just sit down with Adso mirroring my actions. He sits at my feet and his head moves back and forth as he watches people walk around us.

A quiet voice breaks my silence. "Hey." She's rocking back on her heels.

Adso chirps a friendly bark. Looking up, I squint. "Hey."

She gestures to the bench. "Can I sit down?"

"Free country."

She's hesitating, but I scoot over and she gingerly takes a seat on the far end of the bench. "How have you been?" She doesn't look at me.

I rub my face. "Shitty. You?" I've also called you many times and you didn't pick up your damn phone.

Whipping her head around to look straight into my eyes, she laughs nervously at my response. "About the same." She's quiet and we're both just looking around the nearly empty campus. It's the middle of the day, but at this time, most people are usually either in class or out at lunch. I hear her fidget with her backpack and I watch out of the corner of my eye as she picks at the cuticles of her nails. She's biting her lip and I clench Adso's leash just so that I won't take her nervous hands into my own to soothe her. Still angry with her, I successfully fight the urge to touch her.

A beat passes. "I've been doing a lot of thinking and maybe there's a solution to all of this." Tucking her hair behind her ear, she glances sideways at me.

I look at her. "A solution?"

"Yeah. You have connections to the publishing business now. Maybe this guy knows someone who can offer you something here, locally."

"Are you trying to solve this like a math problem?" I make a face at her suggestion. "You just don't get it, do you Rory? I don't want someone else to offer me something," I throw her words back in her face, "I have an offer now. A job offer, not just an internship. And I'm going to do what I can to get it once I finish that test run with him after graduation."

"I'm trying to help you. Help us! Why are you so opposed to staying here?" She scowls with her hands on her hips. "So you're going to do all you can to leave?"

"Stop saying that! You're butchering my words. I never said I want to leave, but I'm not giving this up Rory. I didn't know what I wanted to do until recently. And out of the blue, I get this offer. What would you have me do? Huh? Just sit back and let it pass me by, just because you're afraid of a long distance relationship?"

"Do you know the statistics of a long distance relationship? Eight out of ten people polled say that their long distance relationship didn't work. That's 80 percent of all people. They _don't_ work! People realize that it's too much to only see each other occasionally and have to rely on the phone just to talk. Think about it Jess, before you make such a sudden decision."

Not caring that we're outside, I match her volume, "Fuck the statistics! It's not sudden. I haven't even graduated yet and that trial with Ben doesn't even guarantee me the job. It's just a _possibility_. And even if I do get it, people make relationships work. Long distance or not. You make it work because you want it to work."

"No. People get lazy or others get in the way. Who says that someone else won't get into the picture?"

"God! What is the matter with you? I don't want anyone else." I roll my eyes. "Even if this is making me question wanting anyone at all, I've made it pretty clear that I want to be with you. Why can't you see that?"

"I see my boyfriend leaving!" The vein in her neck stands out. "I see you not trying to do anything about it. I see you and your tunnel vision and not even trying to stay here. You're leaving!"

I lean back on the bench and clench my fist around Adso's leash. Muttering, "Possibility. The possibility of leaving."

"It's the same thing!"

Suddenly standing, I tug on Adso. "Let's go." Coldly, I look down at her. "People find ways to work together. It's not either or. Don't force me to choose between you and this opportunity."

"It looks like you've already made that choice." She replies snidely.

I shake my head. "Let me know when you want to talk about this like an adult."

---

The door closes behind Adso and I unhook his leash for him to run around the apartment. Odd how he always seems to be more energized after a walk than before. Watching him jump on the couch and roll around to snuggle into the cushions brings a small smile to my face even if it is pained. What I had hoped to be reconciliation with Rory just turned into a continuation of our fight. Maybe it's for the best that I might be leaving. All of this just proves that maybe she's not ready for such an intense relationship. Hell, I'm probably not either. Running tired hands over my face, I can't believe what just happened with Rory on campus. She can be so infuriating sometimes. The answering machine is blinking and I reach over to hit the button.

_Hey man, it's Mike. Call me when you have the time. We'll go out for a drink or something._

Beep.

_Jess? It's me again…Susan. Listen, I just want to talk. Um, give me a call._

Beep.

I shake my head at hearing her voice again. The ringing of the phone brings me out of haunted memories and I pick it up without glancing at the caller id.

"Yeah?"

"Jess?" Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Susan."

"I…called you a while ago."

"Yeah."

"Did you get my messages?"

"Yup." I sit down on the couch and I look over as I see Adso jump up to place his head on my thigh.

"You're probably wondering why I called."

"You could be a detective with those skills." I bite back.

"Right." I hear her shuffling around. "Listen, I was in town and I was thinking about you. About us—"

I cut her off. "There is no us." I shake my head. "You made that very clear when you left."

"I didn't leave you Jess. Well, not purposely anyways. You know I needed to do it for my career."

I chuckle without laughter. "You needed to? No, I remember you telling me that you got an offer and suddenly I didn't fit into your life anymore."

"It wasn't like that, Jess."

"No, it was exactly like that. I wanted to make things work. You didn't. I wanted to try; you insisted it wouldn't work."

"Things aren't that easy! You don't just decide to make things work and magically they do. You can't just make up your mind like that and expect things to work."

This conversation is hitting way too close to home right now. Even if it weren't Susan, this conversation is reminding me too much of Rory. "Relationships work when people work at them! You choose and you do it. You work. Things don't just fall into place without work."

The conversation pauses and I calm down as well.

"Jess, I'm sorry for leaving like I did."

Sorry isn't enough. Not now. Not from you. "You still did." A beat passes. "What do you want Susan?"

"I want to talk…about you. About what you've been up to."

"I can't."

"I made a mistake Jess. Can't people make mistakes and be stronger from them?"

"No. Not this one."

She sighs. "Jess, can't we just talk about this? About us?"

"_No_."

"Jess—"

"Please don't call me anymore." Pulling the phone away from my ear, I push the off button. Adso picks up his head off my lap and sets his paws on my chest to glance up at me eye to eye. He whimpers and licks my face. I lean against the couch with a sigh and I just close my eyes for the moment.

She left me. One day out of the blue, it was 'goodbye Jess.' No reason except for the fact that she got a phone call and a job offer. I was still slowly making my way through grad school and I still wanted to make it work with her. I told her that we could still be together while she left New Haven. But she didn't want to try. She insisted that she needed her freedom. Susan is really my only other serious girlfriend besides Rory. And when she left, it hurt me more than I wanted to admit. I thought that I was falling in love for the first time. But I was wrong. And when Rory came along…there's a part of me that's glad that Susan left. Because if she hadn't, not only would it have prevented me from even thinking about pursuing another, but also Rory would have never ended up being the first girl I've ever said 'I love you' to.

And no matter how angry I am with her right now, I can't push aside that feeling of knowing how much it means to Rory that she is the first for me.

---

I pop off the cap on my fourth bottle of beer. Tilting my head back, I drain half. The television flickers in the background and music is playing on my stereo in the background. It's not blaring, but might as well be pounding in my head. I want to attribute it to the beer, but I know it's my emotions instead. I close my eyes. It's been another three days since I saw Rory. I just don't feel that I was wrong. I have every right to take this opportunity and make the most of it. And I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to be happy for me. Nor do I think it impossible to still be together, even if I need to move to New York. The door is buzzing. Is it the door, or my head?

No, it's the door. I stand up but trip on my way to the intercom. "Yeah?" My voice is hoarse. I hear nothing. "What?"

"Jess?" Her voice rings loudly. "It's me. Can I…can I come up?"

I can't speak. I just push the button for her. Opening the door, I stand out in the hallway. She's taking her time. Slowly, I see her coming up from the stairs and she stands about two feet from me.

I might be glad to see her, but I'm not over my hurt. "What do you want?"

She cowers at my statement. "I just…" Wringing her hands in front of her, she looks everywhere but at my face. "I came 'cause I just wanted to…" She adjusts the backpack that she's carrying. "I came…" Suddenly, her eyes focus and she's raising her voice, "You're leaving!" Her hands fly up.

My head rolls back. "God, not that again." I stalk back into the apartment without another glance. But I leave the door open.

I hear her follow me.

"I don't have the energy to go another round with you Rory."

"I didn't mean to say that."

"Well, you still said it."

Sitting down on a chair, she looks up at me. "I shouldn't have said it. I've been thinking. Thinking about what you said."

I join her on the table. "And?"

"I'm thinking that I might have overreacted."

"Might have?" I raise an eyebrow.

Relinquishing, "Okay. I did." She hangs her head. "I shouldn't have accused you of wanting to leave."

"No, you shouldn't have."

"But you have to understand where I'm coming from too, Jess. I wasn't all in the wrong." She says it accusingly. "How could you just accept it without talking to me?"

"Because it's not a sure thing. It's not set in stone."

"It still would have been a nice heads up to have known that this might be a possibility. The New York thing."

Conceding to her point, I sigh and sit down. With my elbows on the table I relax. "You're right, and I'm sorry for not telling you when I found out that it might be a possibility. But I didn't do that because it was just so abrupt. He was there and I was there, and all of a sudden he's offering me this…thing." I gesture with my hands.

Softly, "I guess you might be right. I would have been excited too if it were me."

"You understand that I'm not choosing to leave you, if that were the case? It's not because of you that I took this. I _need_ this, Rory. I just can't let this slip by me."

"I get it." She looks up. "And I am happy for you. I know that might be way too late in coming, and it certainly doesn't sound enough after all that happened, but I am happy that you've found something."

For the first time in the period we've been apart, I smile. Really smile. "Thanks."

She bites her lower lip. "I'm sorry. I really am."

And that's all I need to hear. Sorry. It's all I need and it's more than enough to make me let go of my hurt.

I don't answer. I just lean over the table to kiss her unexpectedly. I meant for the kiss to be short and sweet, a prelude to something else, an apology, and a 'thank you' for understanding. But it's not. It's intense and consuming. Standing up, she grabs my shoulders tightly. Opening my mouth, I urge her closer by burying my hand in her hair. I've missed this feeling. She whimpers into our kiss and I run my tongue along the edge of her teeth. She bites at my lip to show me just how frustrated she's been with me, but soothes the pain with her tongue. Using my free hand I reach under her shirt, not caring that she still has on her jacket and sweater. Finding the cotton of her bra, I push the material aside to cup her bare breast in my hand, but then I tug at her nipple. She throws her head back but I refuse to release her from my kiss. I feel her frantically stroking my chest through the t-shirt I'm wearing, and her hands come down to the fly of my jeans. I worm my hand around her back to find the clasp of her bra. Unhooking it, I push it up over her breasts. Small hands are tying to pull my jeans down past my hips but they lodge at the backs of my knees.

I push her backwards to sit on my kitchen table and for the first time, I break the kiss. She looks back at me. Her eyes are dilated and mine must look the same to her. Never mind the fact that I've had those beers. My body is tingling. Every part. From the throbbing in my lower body to my fingers and toes. Everything is aware that she's here. All caught up in our moment, I pull at her clothes. Her jacket, her sweater, her tank top. Everything. And she's doing the same for me. She's running blunt nails down my bare chest and I practically growl at the feeling. I kick off my jeans and reach for the buttons of hers. Catching me off guard, she stands suddenly to discard her pants and underwear, but she's also walking me back towards the bedroom. She's kissing me again, but she's not being gentle. Not at all. Lips and tongue are working mine and she's biting through the kiss. I kick the door closed with my foot, trapping Adso out.

Framing her face between my hands, I lower my mouth to kiss her deeply. Applying pressure to her jaw, urging her to open her mouth again, I gently lick the front of her teeth before stroking her tongue with mine. She's sighing into me and her hands come to grip tightly at my hipbones. Backing her up against the wall, I vaguely hear the dull thump of her head against the plaster and one of my hands reaches down to her hips as I bend my knees to kiss her deeper. She's standing on her toes and I push against her, knowing that the wall will only let her push against me instead of letting her lean away. Pulling away from the kiss, I watch with darkening eyes as I run my hands down her sides, stopping at the outer swell of her breasts. Thumbs circle around tight nipples, and she sucks in a breath as I trace wet kisses along her collarbone. Her hands are tugging at my hair and she dips down to kiss the side of my neck. Pushing her against the wall again, I go back up to kiss her and she practically mewls against my mouth as my fore and middle finger find their way inside her. Bucking against my hand, she grabs at my shoulders and I push my lower body against her to increase her sensations. I can feel my body pulsing against her warm skin, and I pull out of our kiss to drop my head on her shoulder. I can't catch my breath.

"Jess…please." She cups one palm against my cheek and the other on my lower back. "Don't stop." Her pleading voice nearly hurdles me over the edge, and I continue the steady rhythm of my fingers once more. She's undulating in time with my hand and I watch the waves of her climax playing across her face. She nods, and whispers, "There. Yeah."

I'm surprised at hearing her breathy request. She doesn't speak up normally when we're at this point and I know that it's due to her manners. She might be a bit of a vixen beneath her bookish appearance, but she still has old-fashioned conduct that tells her that good girls don't talk during sex. It's taken me a lot of exploration and willing patience listening to only her moans as a guide to understanding what makes her writhe versus what pushes her to a plateau. Encouraged by her bravery, I comply with her demand. "Yeah?" My fingers slow down as I stoop down to catch her right breast in my mouth as well.

"Yeah." Surprising me again, she reaches down with her own hand to urge me to continue what I was doing before. I read her signals and she takes her hands away only to cling tightly to my shoulders.

I rest my head again on her shoulder, but continue my movements. "Come on, Rory."

She's clenching her thighs and the movement traps my hand between tight muscles. My fingers come to a standstill but my mouth is busy at her breast. Her cheeks are brightly flushed and she has her lower lip between her front teeth. Her chest is heaving against mine and I ease her off slowly by kissing between the shallow valley of her breasts. Her orgasm's lasting longer than usual and I continue to watch her as I remove my fingers. She's catching her breath again, and I brace my hands on the wall besides her head and I smirk down at her.

"Good?" Our relationship has past the need for flowery words when we're making love, and I've found out recently that words can turn her on just as much as touch.

Her lip is still caught between white teeth and she grins widely and reaches out for me. She nods. I give into her hug and she pulls me in to lean against her. Rubbing her face into my shoulder, she giggles. "That was insane."

I chuckle and continue to hold her close. "Huh."

She giggles again. "Yeah." Her fingertips are tracing lazy circles on my back and her other hand strokes the skin of my chest. A moan catches in the back of my throat as I feel her hands on my nipples.

I bend down and attach myself to the apex of her shoulder and neck.

"Jess…you're going to give me a hickey."

"Don't care."

She laughs, but I can imagine her rolling her eyes as well. "It's my neck. Not yours."

"Uh, huh." I continue to suck and nibble her skin.

"I have to go to class."

Detaching myself for a moment, I kiss her nose. "So wear a sweater." I go back to her neck.

"Jess…" Even though she's whining, I know it's not serious.

I switch to the other side just to placate her fears about a hickey. "God, you taste good."

She whimpers. "Jess…"

I pull back and kiss the underside of her neck instead. "Yeah."

"Oh."

"Yeah?"

"I don't think I can stand up anymore."

Responding immediately, I grip her below her inner thighs and I bring her up against me. She's wrapping long legs around my waist, and I rock against her while pushing into her. Her face is above mine, and she ducks down to kiss me. My lips are beginning to feel sore and hers looks like they'll be swollen in the morning as well. I'm walking blindly towards the bed and I fall on top of her as we tumble. She giggles and breaks the hazy moment. I smirk down at her. Sinking my weight on her, I sit up to adjust her hips against mine. Her hand is inside my boxers and I thrust into her hand and my muscles strain as I feel her tightly grip me. Rolling over, I place her on top and I lean up to take her breast into my mouth. Hot and wet, her head is titled back with a loud moan. I lift my hips and I nod as she pulls off my boxers over my hips. Tossing it in the general direction of my dresser, she crawls back towards me on her hands and knees. I settle flat against the sheets to enjoy the view. She wrinkles her nose at me and I look directly up at her as her hair creates a curtain around our faces. Sliding my hands down from her shoulders to her backside, I leave my palms cupping her bottom. Smiling and sitting down on me, she bends her elbows to rest on my chest and I close my eyes feeling her against my lower body. Skin to skin. It's driving me crazy.

She's rocking on top of me and my hands clutch her hips to move with her. She's leaning over and I push against her to place her on her back again. Almost a month is way too long without her and I'm approaching my climax so much sooner than expected. Her mouth is working its way down my chest and over my shoulders and she pauses to suck at my neck. The vein throbs and I blindly reach into my drawer for a condom. Ripping the package, and rolling it onto myself quickly, I press against her thighs with my knee. Outstretched fingers find slick warmth and I make sure she's ready. Entering swiftly, I can't bite back my groan and she tenses. Feeling the resistance, I stop for a moment to let her adjust. Slowly and hesitantly, she moves against me and I squeeze my eyes shut feeling her exploration. I smile down at her and she relaxes. Watching her brace her hands against my headboard, I pull back slightly and gently push into her. Her eyes flutter shut and I watch her back arch up as I enter again. The bed's making a dull squeaking noise, and if I weren't so caught up in the moment, I'd laugh at the situation.

My hands are gripping tightly to her hips. Leaning down, I kiss my way from her neck to her breasts and she hums almost absentmindedly. I smile and use my fingers to brush some hair off her forehead. She nudges against my neck, cuddling into me. Muscles are clenching, and I thrust into her once more. Moving away from her hips, I clasp our hands together, and she's squeezing my fingers so tightly that I feel like they'll be bruised. Holding onto her hands, I bring them over her head, and I use her for leverage. Rippling my lower body on hers, I pull out just enough to hear her whimper below me. Pushing into her again, I take my time and stroke, long and hard. My body strains to reach my own orgasm and as I feel her twisting her hips, I feel it. It's here. Thrusting into her for a final time, I feel my climax surround us. Shuddering waves and jerky movements take over and I fall against her body, heavy and tired. Her arms circle my neck and my name dies down on her lips in a whisper. I lie down next to her on the bed and bring her into my chest.

"Hey." My voice cracks.

"Hi."

We're silent and I just listen to the ticking of the clock on my wall. Some of her flyaway hairs are sticking to her forehead, matted with sweat, and she props her chin up on my chest to look at me. Her expression is dreamy and I cradle her face in one hand as I close my eyes. "I've missed you."

"Me too." She moves and tucks her head under my chin. "I haven't been able to sleep."

Chuckling, "Me neither."

"Sorry I got so upset."

I shake my head. "Forget about it. It's done. Let's not talk about it anymore."

"So, we're done fighting?" She asks in her small voice.

Smiling softly at her, I nudge her nose with mine. "Yeah."

"Good."

---

"Bagels or waffles?" She asks me from the kitchen, looking through my fridge. "You have no food in this apartment." She's rifling through my drawers and cabinets, bouncing around in one of my shirts that covers her to the tops of her thighs.

I smirk, watching her leaning on the frame of the bedroom door. "Doesn't matter."

"Waffles, then." Taking two Egos from the box, she pops them into the toaster.

Adso picks up his head from the couch to glance at me as I walk past him. "Hey Buddy." He barks once and scampers away before I have the chance to pet him. I can read him like a book. He's upset that I locked him out of the room last night. Smirking at the predictability of my dog, I watch his tail turn the corner into the bedroom and I duck back to see him jump on the bed and worm his way under the covers for a nap. Shaking my head, I choose not to scold as I see him resting his head on my pillow. I guess I can let him get away with that for today.

"I'm having some trouble in my writing class. Do you think you could look over some of my notes for me? My outline is absolute crap."

Coming up behind her I wrap my arms around her waist, and drop a kiss on her head. "Sure." I like how we've suddenly returned back into our routine.

Turning around, she laces our fingers together and brings them up. "Morning." She tastes like mint and coffee.

"Hm. Hello." I kiss her again. Taking in her disheveled appearance, I'm amused. Her hair is a mess, my shirt that she's wearing is wrinkled from the day before, and it's way too small to cover her entirely. Dipping down, I whisper low into her ear. "You look like you've been properly fucked." I'm nowhere near polite when it's early in the morning.

"Jess!" She pulls back to give me a shocked look and she swats my chest in reproach.

Eyebrow raised, I question. "What?"

"That's horrible."

Delighted, I watch her prim manners redden her face. "You disagree?"

"Well…" Her mouth opens and closes like a fish.

"You think you weren't?" I tease. "Shall we go at it again?"

"No!"

I smirk. "No?" I lean against the counter casually. "You don't want to?"

"No." She ruffles her hair. "No, I didn't mean…no." She's stuttering.

"No?" I pretend as if I can't follow her insane line of thought. "So you don't want to have sex with me again?"

Her face is bright red and she wets her lips. "No, I mean…" She brings her hands up to her hips in frustration at being teased so much. "Jess!"

"What?"

Rubbing her face with her hands, she shakes her head. "Stop."

"Stop what?"

"Just stop!"

I laugh. "Stop what?"

"Jess!"

Relenting, I reach out to draw her into my body. "Oh alright. Just tell me you liked it and I'll stop." I still play with her, not ready to give up on how easily I can embarrass her.

She's shaking her head into my shoulder. "No."

"No, you didn't like it, or no, you won't tell me?"

"I won't tell you." Her reply is muffled.

I coax her. "Come on."

"No." She's so stubborn.

Again, I try. "Come on."

"You ego doesn't need to get any bigger."

"Okay." I laugh and let it drop. Holding her close against me, I sigh and rest my chin on her shoulder. "You have class this morning?"

"Nope. Not until later this afternoon. You?"

"Free day." I hug her properly. "Come over later?"

"Not if you have nothing in your fridge."

I laugh. "I'll go grocery shopping today."

She pulls out from our embrace. "I mean seriously Jess, what the heck is in some of these containers here? It looks like it was once beef or pork, mixed with some sort of pasta? Yuck." She tosses it into the garbage. "What have you been eating lately?"

Softly, "Not much." Leaning back against my counter, I cross my arms over my chest.

Her face scrunches up. "What have you been doing?"

Again, "Not much."

"Oh."

The waffles pop up and I grab two plates out of the cabinet. I spread on the butter, and she pours the syrup. I playfully bump her hips with mine and I tease a smile out of her. Taking the plates as she grabs two mugs of coffee, I glance over my shoulder to make sure she won't drop anything. Sitting down at the table she looks over at me. Out of the blue, she admits. "I liked it." Blushing, she bravely continues. "It was crazy and nothing like I've ever felt before."

Shrugging, I nonchalantly reply, as if hearing her say it doesn't make my heart clench. "Oh, I know."

Digging into her waffles, she sticks out her tongue at me. "Pig."

I wink in reply.

We eat in silence for several moments until our heads jerk at hearing Adso's nails tinkering on the wood flooring. I smile, seeing him happily trot over to the kitchen table. He plops himself down between our feet and wags his tail, hoping for a handout. I ignore his request and instead reach down to pet him.

She puts down her fork and picks up her mug of coffee. "I went to Stars Hollow."

Taking a bite, "Yeah, I know."

"How?"

"Luke called me one night."

"What did he say?"

"He just demanded to know what I had done to you."

With an eyebrow raised, she looks surprised. "What did you say?"

Sheepishly, "I hung up on him."

She giggles but then looks serious. "Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"If I promise not to freak out about it in the future, will you promise to tell me if anything else happens with this New York thing?"

I grip her hand across the table. "Sure."

She nods. "Okay. That sounds good."

Suddenly, everything hits me. The past with Susan reminds me about how hard it must be for Rory to feel that I might be leaving. Remembering old feelings makes me sympathetic towards Rory. I understand that crossroads. But the big difference here is that if I were to leave, I'm willing to do long distance. I'm willing to put in the work and effort to make things work with Rory. I'm willing. And that's the difference. It makes all the difference in the world. But still…almost a month without Rory gives me a glimpse at how hard it would be to live far away from her. Smiling sadly over my plate, I reach out to cup her cheek in my palm.

She pauses and smiles at my gesture.

"I've missed you."

"Me too." She leans over the table and kisses me sweetly. "But I'm here now. And you're here."

"Yeah." Even though I told her not to worry about our fight, it's still fresh in my memory. "Rory?"

"Yes?"

"You know I won't do anything to purposely hurt you, right?"

She looks over at me with wide eyes. "I don't like where this is going."

"No, no." Shaking my head, I take her hand and pull her up out of her seat. Urging her over to me, she sits down on my lap. "No, nothing like that. But you do know that, right?" I push my forehead into her shoulder.

"Yeah." Smoothing my hair off my face, she replies softly. "I know."

---

AN: Read? Please review.


	15. Departure

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 15: Departure

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN: **In addressing a review concerning the distance between New York City and New Haven: I know that the distance is an approximate two hours (according to Google maps and the like), but we're dealing with more emotional distance. Yes, the trip can be made with relative ease with the train or car, but it's the emotional adjustment Jess and Rory would have to make versus practicality.

Thanks.

It's been a while since the last chapter…maybe you'd want to read 14 again to refresh.

Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when they discover each other? Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors. AU.

---

"So…"

I squint in the darkening room. "Yeah?"

"Big day today."

Smiling, I prop myself up on my elbow and glance over at her beside me. "Yeah, suppose so."

"Are you kidding? It's huge."

Smirking, "Why, thanks."

Appalled, "Jess!"

"What?" I smile broadly and lie back down on the bed.

Giggling, she can't but find my joke amusing.

I lift the covers and pretend to think about it. "You don't think so?"

Slapping my shoulder, "Jess! You're horrible."

I smirk. "Yeah, I know you want me bad."

"Okay!" She throws her hands up in surrender. "That's enough."

Laughing, I let it go, seeing that her face is bright red.

Taking a deep breath, she tries again. "I just meant it's a big deal that you graduated today."

"Oh…that." Adjusting my head on my pillow, I stare up at the ceiling. "Yeah, long time in coming."

Softly, "You still got here. So it's worth it, right?"

Turning my head to the side, to peer over at her, "Yeah, I guess it's worth it." I smile, taking in her appearance. She's pulled up the sheet to cover her body and wrapped it tight around her chest. Reaching a lazy hand out, I trail the freckles down the length of her arm. She's watching my hand, and I watch her face. Her eyes are dull, and I can only assume why she seems a little sad. "A lot is changing." It just slipped out.

She moves her eyes away from me and turns to her back. Lying still, she doesn't respond. Silent for another two minutes, she still doesn't move. It was obviously the wrong thing to say.

I whisper, "Rory?"

She shakes her head, but still refuses to make eye contact.

"Rory?"

Voice cracking, she finally speaks up. "I don't want to talk about it."

I'm trying to reach out to touch her, but she's unexpectedly rolled onto her side again. I face her back and I sit up in concern. "Rory, please come here."

"Stop." She's sitting up as well on the bed. "Just stop."

Bringing the sheet up to cover my lower body, I inch my way carefully to her side of the bed. Vaguely in the back of my mind, I think about how far we've come since I first met her in September. She pulled me in that first time I bumped into her and I couldn't shake her out of my mind even as I tried to resist. And when I saw her in Stars Hollow for Thanksgiving, I was thoroughly charmed by this girl. She held my hand in the middle of the town and I felt no regrets. And now…she has a side of the bed. Always on the left, on the far side of the nightstand. She had originally occupied the right side, but when my alarm would always wake her before she needed to get up, she asked to switch. Thinking about it, our routine now has become well established. She spends most nights over at my apartment, and if she doesn't sleep over, she at least has dinner with me. Once in a while we go out to eat, but mostly, I cook her dinner while she tries her best to help. But it always results in disaster. I still let her help because it lets her feel useful and I like spending time with her. Even if I end up cleaning the kitchen afterwards. Smiling to myself, I think about how we have our own system. She's moved in a lot of her stuff, and slowly I discover something new of hers next to mine. Her laptop now sits plugged in next to mine on the desk, the pink toothbrush I bought for her lives perpetually next to my own blue one, and her novels are mixed with mine under the bed.

"Rory…" I touch her shoulder and I wince seeing her pull away.

She's tucking her hair compulsively behind her ear, even though there's nothing in her face. Rocking herself gently back and forth, she's trying to isolate herself, as if that'll comfort her.

"Rory, please." I come to the edge of the bed and I rest my feet on the floor next to hers, but not touching.

"You just said that a lot is changing. But…" She hunches over. "I don't want anything to change."

I drape my right arm across her shoulders, and I bring her bent head under my chin. "I didn't mean that _we_ have to change."

She sniffles and it makes my chest contract at the sound. "I know. But people change when things change around them."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes. You can't avoid change, even if you try. And when situations change, the people inside changes with it."

"Don't you think that," I kiss the top of her head, "some things can stay the same, even if change happens?"

"No. Even if you try to stay the same, you'll change."

"Huh."

"Like when we got together…" She leaves the thought hanging.

Ducking down to see her face, I ask. "What do you mean?"

"I swore that I would never be one of those girls that depended on their boyfriends. I hated those girls that defined themselves by their relationships. I thought that you could separate your own personal life from love and that things like that could be controlled."

I scowl. "I don't think that you depend on me to define yourself." One of the things that drew me towards her in the first place was that she was real. She was headstrong and almost defiant about whom she was as a person. She isn't a weepy girl that waits for a knight to save her. I like that.

"No, you don't define me, but I can't define myself without you coming into the picture."

Truthfully, I don't think I could examine and explain my life at this point without mentioning how she fits into it. "Ah."

Today has been a long day, and the effects are finally hitting home. She sighs and wraps her arms around my chest, but I feel hot tears run down my arm. "I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm being so stupid about all of this." Abruptly, she pulls away and scrubs her face with angry palms. "Ugh! I hate being like this. I told myself I wouldn't get worked up about it!" She moves back towards the center of the bed and she pulls her legs up to her chest. "Stupid, Rory."

Clutching the sheet to my waist, I sit facing her. "Hey, stop insulting my girlfriend." I raise an eyebrow and duck down to peer up into her face. "I happen to think she's very smart."

The curtain of hair doesn't hide the fact that she's biting her lip to keep from smiling, and I relax just a bit. She plays with her toes and buries them into the covers. "Yeah?"

I smile. "Yeah."

Propping her chin on her knees, she looks up at me with damp eyes. "When are you leaving?"

"Friday."

She nods. "Okay."

"Are you going to come up with me and check out the place?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Of course."

She's smiling sadly and inches forward between my legs for a hug.

"Are you going to call me?"

She looks up and I finally hear her giggle. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

I jokingly make a face at her. "No. Guys like it too when their girlfriends call, you know?"

"Then yes, I'll call." Shrugging a bare shoulder, she rests her chin on my shoulder and whispers in my ear. "Since we have the same cell phone carrier, we have free mobile to mobile. So yeah, I guess I can call you."

Pulling back, "I'm hurt. Are you saying you wouldn't call me if it wasn't for free?"

Smiling broadly, she launches her body into mine for a bear hug and pushes me back flat against the bed. "I'd call you even if I needed to use a pay phone and carry around a big bag of change."

I smirk. "Sounds like you really like me."

Nodding, she pushes her face into my neck and hums. "Yeah, I really like you."

Hedging, "A lot?"

"A lot." She matches her hips with mine and I reach down to pull her sheet away. With her bare body on top of my own, I feel her relax against me.

---

Muted muttering slowly wakes me out of my sleep. Blinking in the darkness, my eyes adjust and I see the top of her head over the edge of the bed. She's whispering softly and holds a flashlight close to a book, reading.

"Rory?"

"Oh!" She shines the light in my face and looks startled. "Sorry."

"S'okay." I rub my eyes. "What are you doing?"

"Reading. I couldn't sleep."

"In the dark?" Suddenly, I see Adso jump up on the bed, and I realize that she's been reading to him. His tail thumps happily and he paces back and forth on the bed.

She's smiling, but doesn't get up off the floor. "He was just keeping me company."

I ruffle his ears and he huffs out a breath and lies down in the middle of the bed. "Come back to bed."

"I'm not tired."

Cracking my neck, it releases some of the tension as I throw my legs over the side to walk around the bed. Grabbing my sweatshirt off the chair, I slip it on and sit down next to her. "You okay?" This is the second night in a row I've found her out of bed in the middle of the night. Last night I found her sitting on my kitchen countertop with her legs tucked under her, nursing a hot cup of coffee. I watched her just staring into the digital clock on my microwave for a couple of minutes before I walked into the kitchen. And now, tonight…she's starting to worry me. I leave three days from now, and I know she's trying hard not to bring it up, even though I know she's constantly thinking about it.

She nods. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Geez, what time is it?" I crane my neck to look at my clock.

"Four."

I glance over at her. "Have you slept at all tonight?"

"Yeah. Couple hours when we went to bed."

"We went to bed at eleven. You've been up since one o'clock?"

"I'm fine." She puts the book down. "Really. I'm fine."

Not wanting to upset her, I just relent. "Okay." I place my arm over her shoulders and she leans into my touch. Using my other hand to reach her legs, I pull them over my lap and I tuck her into the warmth of my body.

She's unzipped part of my sweatshirt and her hands are stroking my bare chest. The moment dies down around us, and I just sit back against the bed, enjoying the feeling. "Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell me something."

"Tell you what?"

Undoing the sweatshirt completely, she snuggles into me. "Anything."

I smile, remembering how she's said those words to me before. "Um…"

"Hm?"

"I used to swim in high school."

"Like, on a team?" She sounds amused. "I thought you were totally against all organized sports."

I chuckle. "I am; kind of. But it was more of an accident."

"How so?"

"My parents and I went to Europe for the summer and when I came back, I missed the registration window and the school just choose my classes for me. There were only two electives left, swim and home economics. So, I choose swim. Figured it'd be easier than trying to sew an apron."

She's laughing. "Were you any good?"

"Yeah, surprisingly enough."

Something clicks in her mind. "So…you were on the swim team."

I eye her warily. "Yeah."

"You swam in one of those little Speedos?"

I groan and hang my head. Gathering my wits, I turn and smirk at her. "Why, would you like to have seen me?"

Bravely, she surprises me. "I've already seen all of you."

"But not in the water." I continue to try to tease a blush out of her.

"True." She shrugs and gives me a look over her shoulder. "But I've seen you in the shower, and that's better than any pool."

Shaking my head, I give up. Trying to cover my mouth, I can't contain my yawn. "Aren't you tired?"

"No." Cocking her head, she indicates that I should get up. "Go back to bed. I'll be fine. I can read in the living room."

Standing up, I hold out my hand. "I want to sleep with you."

She smiles and I know she won't resist. "Oh, okay."

---

"Maybe you should take another jacket with you." She's rummaging through my closet. "You only have one coat? How can that be?"

I smirk. "Dunno. Just happened."

"It gets cold here in the winter. How have you survived with just one coat?"

Shrugging, I don't really concentrate on the conversation. "I layer up with sweatshirts." Walking over to the bathroom, I think about what I'll need to take with me.

"Well," she speaks up so that I can hear her, "I don't want you to be cold."

Ducking my head around the corner, I catch her worried expression. "It's summer. I doubt it'll be cold in New York."

"You never know."

"Rory." I raise my eyebrows.

"Okay. Fine." She takes a sweatshirt off a hanger anyways and throws it on the bed. Going back to dig through my shirts, she pulls out random ones. Pausing for a moment, she surveys what she's already picked out. "How many pairs of pants do you think you'll need?"

"Not much."

"What if they get dirty?"

"Then I'll do laundry." Passing her on my way back into the room, I kiss her cheek.

"You're only going to be there for a month. What if you don't have time to find out where the laundry places are?"

I can't help but smile. She's been like this all day. I leave tomorrow and she's been helping me pack. I've realized that in all her anxiety, she's been channeling all that energy into mothering me instead. Whether her doubts about the month have gone away or not, she's been trying hard to keep her emotions under wraps. "I think I'll be okay."

"Alright."

Adso waltzes into the room and he jumps up on the bed to snuggle into my clothes. "Hey." Trying to push him off, I'm unsuccessful. "Ad…hey." He turns sideways to look at me. "Get off the bed."

"Come here, Puppy." Her voice is higher pitched, and he instantly gets off to sit at her feet.

I shake my head. "He listens to you more."

"But he follows you around constantly." She pets his head.

"I know it's late in asking, but do you think you could take care of him while I'm gone?"

She looks surprised. "You're not taking him?"

"How can I? I'm just crashing at Ben's place for the month, and I can't ask to bring my dog along with me. And plus, Adso loves you. Do you mind?"

"No, not at all." She smiles down at him. "I'm going to go home to Stars Hollow anyways, so I can take him with me. I've always wanted a dog." Crouching down, she gets eyelevel with him. "I'll spoil you rotten. Yes, I will." He sticks out his head to lick the side of her mouth.

"Stars Hollow?"

"Yeah. Plan is to go home and spend time with Mom. Don't worry, Mom loves dogs. She always wanted one too."

"Hm." I look down.

"What is it?"

"I just figured you'd stay here."

"Here? In your apartment?"

"Well, you stay here already. And that way, Adso won't mess anything up at your mom's place."

She walks over to me. "I already told her I'd go home. And Adso won't mess anything up. He's a good dog."

Wrapping my arms around her waist, I gaze into her eyes. "Yeah, I suppose so."

"But I can still come up here once in a while to check up on the place."

"Thanks."

"Oh!" Releasing me, she scurries out of the room. "I got you a map of the city."

Shouting to her in the living room, I'm amused. "You what?"

"Got you a map." Coming back into the bedroom, she leans against my dresser. "Just so you won't get lost."

I laugh. "Rory, I was born in New York."

"Upstate."

"Yeah, but I'm still familiar with the city."

She shrugs. "Just in case."

Bending down to kiss her nose, "Thank you."

---

It's late, past midnight, and even though my eyes are heavy, I don't want to sleep just yet. We've been in bed for the last hour, each of us silent in thought. I can only guess what she's been thinking about, but my own emotions are churning. I'm excited and scared to go tomorrow. I want to prove that I can do this and that I'm more than just the typical rich kid who sailed through life. I need to show that I'm worth something on my own two feet. But I'm also riddled with anxiety. I'm terrified to leave her, and equally frightened to find out how this coming month will affect us.

She's lying on her stomach with her head on my shoulder as I lie on my back. One of her legs is in between mine, and I reach down to adjust her hips. "You're digging into me."

"Oops. Sorry." She smiles.

I return her grin and comb through her hair with my fingers. Finally letting the words escape, I whisper, "I'm gonna miss you."

"Me too."

Adso picks up his head and whimpers. I chuckle. "I'll miss you too."

She giggles. "You've never really been away from him, have you?"

"Not really. But don't worry, he'll be fine. At least he's familiar with you."

Lifting her own body up on her palms, she looks down at me. "I've never been away from you for this long."

Shifting my body, I relax. "Sure you have."

"When?"

"When we were fighting."

She makes a noise. "That's different. We were mad. Now we're not."

I adjust my hips again and bend my knees so that she's hitting that right spot. "We'll be fine."

"I won't get to sleep with you every night."

Keeping the conversation light, I knew this was an inevitable topic for tonight, but I don't want to spoil our last moments together in bed. "Adso can sleep with you every night." He picks up his head and jumps off the bed. Watching him leave the room, I hear the jingle of his tags and I assume he's gone to sleep on the couch tonight.

She laughs. "Yeah, he's great company. But…" Kissing me gently, she massages my lips with hers. "He can't do that."

"I hope not." Hugging her to me, I pull her body into mine and she rests her full weight on me. Keeping my knees bent, she's cradled in my hips and she starts a steady rhythm of rocking. My arousal is quickly flooding into my body and I kiss her harder, stroking her tongue against mine. I thrust up into her, and I can feel the heat of her body even through both of our pajamas. Running my hands through her hair and down her back, I push her further down into me. Sinking her weight into mine, she's kissing me back harder, and I just hold her tightly. Sitting up slightly, I support myself on my elbow and I roll her onto her back. Breaking the kiss, I pull back and she's staring at me with wide eyes. Winking at her, I hover over, and bend down to trace circles on her shoulder blade with my nose. "Hey."

Snuggling into the covers, she smiles. "Hi back." Waiting a moment, she bends her knees and bumps my hips. "Don't stop."

Smirking, "Not stopping. Just taking things slow."

I watch her bite her lower lip and turn her head to the side to look at my alarm clock. She turns back to face me with wide eyes. "There's not a lot of time left."

Listening to her, the mood has suddenly deflated. "Hey, don't say that."

Her forehead wrinkles. "It's true."

Not knowing exactly how to answer her, because it _is_ true, I just bend down to kiss her again. Pouring myself into the kiss, I know that she needs all the reassurance I can give her. I'm no longer surprised by the way she kisses, but I love it when she's just entirely involved in the kiss—body and soul. Nothing in between. I keep those memories to myself, not even sharing them with her. I just thank her by kissing her back in a way that I've come to learn, takes her breath away. That's what I can give her. Me.

She's moaning into my mouth, and I pull away to catch my breath. With my chest heaving against hers, I run my hands down her arm to gather my thoughts. I really have no other thoughts than her. Situating her onto her back, I kiss a trail down her throat to her collarbone. I rest my head against her belly, still covered by one of my shirts that she's chosen to wear to bed, and I breathe in slowly. Coming down to the hem, I inch it up just a bit, revealing a strip of skin between the top of her underwear and her stomach. I kiss the indent of her hips and my hands span the width of her abdomen. I dip my tongue into the little curve of her bellybutton, and she shifts, hands buried in my hair. "Jess…that tickles." But I get the result I'm seeking for.

I crawl back up the length of her body and kiss her cheek. "At least you're smiling."

She smiles again, albeit sadly this time, and just asks in her serious voice. "Can we just…"

"Hm?"

She screws up the courage, and quietly asks, "Can we just make love?"

"Okay." I nod. "Alright."

She's pulling my head down, and I let her set the pace. She needs this tonight, and I'll do what I can to give it to her. Sinking down onto my forearms, I concentrate on the kiss. The feel of her lips, the wet brush of her tongue against mine, and the undeniable feeling I get when I kiss this girl. She lifts her chin, and I can read her signs. She wants me to move on. Detaching our kiss, I look down and slowly lift up her shirt. Coming up to the underside of her breasts, I leave it there. Bending down, I brush my fingers across the skin below her ribcage, and she shifts under me. I watch as she grasps the shirt and takes it off herself. Leaving herself bare, except for the underwear she's wearing, she's suddenly nervous as I continue to watch her. Hesitant arms come up to protect her breasts, and I smile softly at her reaction. Nudging her away, I mildly cup her left breast in my hand and feel its weight.

I feel her tugging down my boxers, and she shifts her weight to the side so that she can get rid of her underwear as well. Blinking twice, I wait for her to relax again, and then I touch her skin. Everywhere. Anywhere I can reach, anything I can find. Coming between her legs, I reach my palm around the back of her knee and she parts her legs in response. Leaning down to kiss her inner thigh, she bends her knees and I sit between them. She bites her lower lip, and I touch her gently, slowly. Warmth invades my senses and surrounds my fingers. Leisurely, moving my fingers, I'm creating a steady rhythm. Looking up, I see her reach for my headboard, but she comes up empty handed because she's not sitting tall enough to grip the top. Instead, tense fingers hold onto the bed sheet, wrinkling it beneath her clutch.

Body undulating with my hand, I hear a sharp intake of breath. Thinking that it's just her breath catching in her throat, I continue. But I jerk my head in her direction as she suddenly curls up and into my chest. Moving my hand away from her, I cradle her body to me and hear her choke back a sob. "Rory…?"

She's shaking her head swiftly and tears run down our bodies. She's soaking my shoulder, but her cry isn't violent. It's not like before when I've seen her cry about her dad. No. Right now, it's silent gut-wrenching tears that are tugging at my heart. Her head is buried in the crook of my neck. "Don't leave. Don't."

She's exhausted. I can tell. After several days of only running on a couple hours' sleep, she's reacting badly to a situation that is already hard. Rocking her against my chest, I don't know what to say. Honestly, I don't think I can say anything that'll make any of this any easier on her. "Shh…"

"I'm sorry." Her arms come to grip my neck tightly and she holds on.

"It's okay."

"No." Pulling back, she pushes me away at arms' length. "I'm so stupid. I ruined our night." Blowing out a breath in annoyance, she huffs. "Get a _grip_." She's talking to herself.

Soothingly, I tell her again. "It's alright."

"No, it's not." She doesn't want coddling. When she's upset, she goes through stages and I've learned to identify them. She might be willing to be touched and hugged in the initial stage, but immediately after that, she pulls into her protective mode. She thinks she can protect herself by tackling problems on her own. When she gets to that stage, no amount of touch can comfort her. She needs to draw herself out of it to move on. "I wanted tonight to be special. It's our last night together."

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters!" She looks at me in indifference. "No guy wants a girlfriend who can't stop crying when they're having sex!" Entirely frustrated and humiliated with herself, she bursts into angry tears. Moving away from me, she edges to the side of the bed and stands up, naked and vulnerable.

Not bothering with covering up with the sheet, I stand up as well. "Rory, please, come here."

"No! I'm not worth it."

And that shocks me. She is a girl who is entirely self-confident, even when she's blushing bright red and has her arms crossed protectively around herself. A mix of assurance and doubt, there has never been a time where I questioned whether she really knew worth. She knows who she is and is not afraid to discover the truth. With that angry outburst, I can't help but force onto her the fact that she's wrong. "Stop it, Rory. Just _stop_." My voice is defiant.

Sharply turning at my statement, her mouth hangs open.

"Don't ever say that about yourself. Do you hear me?"

She nods halfway and stops. Deflated, her arms come around her chest to cover up and she's suddenly moved on to her next stage. Now is the time to reassure her physically. She's past the stage where she needs me to speak up or to contradict her with the truth. She's now back to the girl who's just needs someone to be there for her. Sinking down to the floor, she pulls her legs into her body. Huddling in a ball, she shivers.

Crouching down to pull her back up, she sinks into my hug and I rub my hands across her back to warm her up. "Come on." I try to walk with her, but she doesn't budge. She's just clinging onto me and I know it's not enough to get her warm again. Shifting her weight, I support her back with one arm and use the other to lift her up under the back of her knees. Walking into the bathroom, I don't bother turning on the lights and I step very carefully into the shower, with her still in my arms. Releasing her legs, she stands up, and I turn on the water. Hugging her to me, I dip her head back to wet her hair and back. Her eyes open, and it looks like she's suddenly become aware of the fact that we're in the shower.

Her blue eyes shine with previously shed tears and she smiles sadly at me. "Thank you."

I test the temperature of the water myself by stepping under the showerhead. The water feels nice on my muscles. Reaching out to pull her into me, I wrap wet arms around her back. She's stepping into my hug and I sigh. "Let's not think about it, okay? I'm right here. Now."

She nods. "Okay."

---

Walking through the corridor of the lobby, I see her sitting on the front stoop of the apartment building. Her knees are drawn up to her chest and her head moves occasionally, following people who walk in front of her. Today has been surprisingly okay. We woke up early and she helped me pack everything into the car, and our conversation during the drive wasn't filled with awkward silences or long pauses. She kept a constant stream of chatter, but it wasn't done out of nervousness. We talked like we did when we were first getting to know each other. It was nice. When we pulled up to Ben's apartment building, she watched as I took my duffel bag up and got situated. Later, we took a walk around the block and stopped at a hotdog stand for lunch. It was pleasant. I held her hand and walked leisurely around, watching people, and eventually settling on a park bench for an hour. She pulled out her book from her purse and talked excitedly about it while I just held her body against my side and listened halfheartedly. We left and walked back to the apartment when she said she needed to use the bathroom, and now she's sitting on the stoop, waiting for me to come back down to say goodbye.

Pushing the door open with a swish, her head turns back when she feels the air condition on her back. "Hey."

She smiles in response. Sitting down next to her, I pick up her hand and tangle our fingers together. She's watching intently. "You've been doing that a lot today."

My eyes move and catch hers. "Doing what?"

"Holding my hand." She shrugs.

I question her silently with a turn of my head and amusement in my eyes.

"It's just, you don't usually…" She smiles. "Well, you do. But not like today." Quietly, softly, she turns her head away and continues. "It's like today is different. You're not just holding my hand, but more like trying to keep me. Like you're memorizing how it feels."

Sighing, I don't answer her.

"Well, anyways. I think I better get going if I'm going to make it to Stars Hollow tonight."

I hold her hand just a little bit tighter.

With her voice still chipper, she continues. "Does Adso like to be walked in the morning or evening?"

"Morning."

"Alright then." She stands.

I follow and look down at her in question. "You're…okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, last night."

She nods. "Yeah, I know. But surprisingly enough, I'm okay. Really."

I blink a couple times. "You sure?"

She stands taller to kiss me. "Yup."

Slowly, I respond. "Okay."

She walks down the several stairs and I trail her half a step behind with my hands in the pockets of my jeans. Coming up to where her little blue car is parked, she unlocks it with a chirp. Since it's not practical for me to take my car, the plan had originally been for her to drive up mine and take it back, but last night I remembered that she doesn't know how to drive a stick and we had to take her car instead. Unlocked, she rests against the door and looks up at me. "So, this is it."

Bending down, one hand goes to the side of her face, while the other holds on gently at her hip. Caught off guard, both her palms are flat against my chest and she's trying to grip onto something. My shirt is getting wrinkled between her hands, and I lean into her so that she's trapped against my body and the car. Flush against me, I edge my leg between hers and bend my knees slightly so I can catch her lips again and deepen the kiss. Slowly, so slowly, I pull out of the kiss but rest my forehead on hers. "Call me when you get to Stars Hollow?"

"It'll be late." She whispers and I can feel her breath close to me.

"S'okay. Call me anyways."

"Alright." She pulls away and opens the car door. "Bye Jess."

I watch with my hands in my pockets.

---

"So…couch, kitchen, bathroom, my room, spare bedroom, and that's about it." Ben gestures at the general direction of each room in the apartment and I just nod with my hands in my pockets.

I'm torn at exactly how I should feel. Watching Rory drive away twenty minutes ago nearly made me regret my decision of coming here for the month. Just seeing her car turn the corner and speed away tugged at my heart. And now…I don't even know how to describe it. "Thanks."

"Okay." Ben bobs his head. "Um, I have a date tonight. But…"

"I'm kinda tired. Was up late last night packing and all…so I think I'll just head to bed early tonight." I'm not in the mood to be around anyone new, even with someone who's giving me a once in a lifetime opportunity.

"Alright. Well, help yourself to anything you want. We'll leave for Dog-Eared tomorrow morning before nine. I'll show you around, introduce you to the guys, and let you get a feel for things."

"Thanks." Oddly shy and awkward, I'm not very comfortable around strangers. My head ducks down and my eyes follow him as I watch him grab his keys and wallet and lock the door behind him. Taking in the surroundings, I walk over to the window and watch the people walking around. Swallowing, I turn around and quietly close the spare bedroom door behind me.

The room is small, but comfortable. There's a twin bed and a closet that Ben has apparently emptied out one side for me to hang my clothes. Not bothering too much with unpacking, I pull my shirt over my head and toe off my shoes. Lying down in just my pants, I cross my arms beneath my head to stare at the ceiling. Exhausted and feeling a bit lonely, I turn on my side to reach for my phone on the side table. Flipping it open, I select my pictures folder and scroll down to the one that I snapped when we first started sleeping together. It had been early one morning and I woke up to find her hugging the pillow against her chest. Adso was snuggled up against her belly and I couldn't resist. I've never even showed her this picture because it all feels way too romantic for my tastes. I took the picture without her knowing but I had woken up Adso with the click of the phone and it effectively ruined any hopes I had that morning of just watching her sleep. But I have that picture and right now…it reminds me just how far away I am from her.

---

The phone's vibrating against the nightstand and I reach to grab it in the dark. Flipping it, but not opening my eyes, I know it's her. "Yeah?"

"Hey." Her voice sounds tired.

"Hi."

"I just got here."

"Everything okay?"

I hear her rustling. "Yeah, everything's fine. Mom's already asleep and I think Luke is here as well, but I'm not sure. Adso's checking out the house, but he just settled down on my bed."

My head is heavy against the pillow and I close my eyes tighter feeling vaguely jealous of my own dog. "Good."

There's a noise and it sounds like she's yawning. "Yeah. You okay?"

Perhaps it's the exhaustion of the hour, perhaps it's the distance, but it seems like my thoughts have no filter. I breathe out, "God, I miss you."

I think if I could see her, she would be smiling sadly. "Yeah, me too." She tells me very quietly. "But it'll be fine. It won't be that long now."

After I've spent so much time convincing her that everything will be okay, I feel very odd hearing it come out of her mouth. At this moment, during this first night, I _don't_ feel like everything will be okay. In fact, I don't like how she sounds so damn sure. "Yeah." I can feel my automatic defense mechanisms come up. If I don't vocalize the problem, it doesn't exist.

"It's getting late. I think I'm going to go to bed now."

"Sure."

"Okay. Get some sleep, Jess."

"Yeah."

She's pausing and I think she can pick up on my sour mood. "You…okay?"

"Yup."

"Then why don't you say anything with more than just one word?"

"I'm fine." I defend my stance because she's right and I refuse to let her see it.

"Okay. Goodnight, Jess."

"'Night."

I listen to her end of the line click off.

---

"How is he?"

"He's…okay." She stops. "Well, like I said earlier, he seemed a little sad the first week. He kept on sniffing around the house as if he would find you hiding or something. But the other day I got an idea and we drove up to the apartment and I took your comforter home with me, so now we sleep with your blanket on the bed. It seems to calm him down. At least he's eating regularly now. So that's a good sign, right?'

"Yeah, that's a good sign." I pause. "So, other than that…he's okay?"

"Yeah. Mom loves him. And Luke secretly likes him too. Even to the point of spoiling him, but don't tell Luke I said that."

I chuckle.

Switching topics suddenly, she speaks up. "Do you think I would look good as a blonde?"

Switching the phone to the other ear, I take my time walking down the street. "Um, honestly?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Why are we talking about this?"

I can imagine her rolling her eyes. "'Cause I think it's time for a change. I think having brown hair is boring."

"It's not boring, it's you."

"Maybe I'm boring then."

"If that's true, then I like boring girls."

"So you're saying I'm boring?"

"No, I'm saying you look fine with brown hair."

"Just fine?" I can just see her pout.

"Yeah."

"Not more than fine?"

I wait with a half dozen other people for the pedestrian light to come on at the intersection. "Are you fishing for a compliment?"

She's pausing, probably debating whether or not to tell the truth. "Maybe."

I chuckle. "Is that a yes or a no?"

"Yes."  
"Alright. I think you look fucking fantastic with brown hair. I think you look fine the way you are."

"Again with the fine."

I scoff. "Did you miss the first part of my sentence where I said you look fucking fantastic?"

She snickers. "Well…I guess that's okay."

The light changes and I step off the curb. "Why the sudden urge for change?"

"Dunno. I was thinking about how my life is changing."

"And when did you think about that?"

"I was just walking around town with Adso after breakfast. Quiet morning. Just him and me and we sat down at this bridge on the side of the park. I think you'd like it. I'll take you one day."

I nod. "Alright."

"Anyways, so I was thinking about how things are changing. You know, like going to Yale, living relatively on my own. And by that, I mean at least I'm not living with Mom everyday. And with thinking about what I'll do after college, and now that I'm seeing an older guy…" She trails off.

I cringe. "Do you have to say it like that?"

"Like what?"

I mock her. "Older guy…makes me feel like a lecher."

"Whatever." She's brushing it off. "I just meant that it seems like so much in my life is changing, but I still look the same."

"So what? I still look the same."

"That's different. You're a guy."

Crossing the street again, I see the coffee shop at the corner. "Yeah, I certainly hope so."

"Maybe I need a different look instead. I think I dress too preppy. What do you think?"

"I think I fell in love with you exactly the way you are right now." I'm rolling my eyes at myself. That was uncharacteristically emotional for me. Especially given that we're not even in bed.

"Aw, Jessie. That was sweet."

"Shut up."

She's giggling.

"Hey listen," I reach for the door handle and swing it open. "I just got to the coffee shop."

"Oh, okay. Good luck."

"Thanks."

"I'll call you later tonight."

"Alright." I look around for the guy I'm supposed to be meeting.

"Bye."

Slipping the phone into my pocket, I see a young guy sitting by himself in the corner. That must be him. Coming up to the table, "Are you Tom McArthur?"

He stands up to offer his hand for me to shake. "Yeah, you Jess?"

"Yup." Sitting down opposite to him, I flag the waiter. "Coffee, black please." Lifting my bag over my shoulder, I hook it to the side of the chair. "So, I read your book. It has potential. Why don't you tell me more about it?" After scouting new authors for the last two weeks, I've learned to just get right down to the point. There's no reason in wasting time.

---

"Hey man."

Closing the door behind me, I turn my head to snap in the lock. "Hey."

"Beer?" Ben's head pops around the refrigerator door.

"Sure." Coming up to the kitchen table, I take a seat. "Thanks."

"Yeah." Sitting across from me, he pops off the cap. "Anything today?"

I nod. "Couple perspectives. One of the guys that I met with is coming to the store tomorrow."

"Good." He takes a swig. "So, how are you liking it so far?"

I raise my eyebrows. "Honestly?"

"If it makes you feel better you can lie first." He smirks.

I chuckle. "It's…hard. But I like it. A lot."

He nods. "Yeah, it is hard. Obviously, you can tell by how few books we've actually published in the couple years since we've established the company. But it can be really satisfying."

Propping up my head with a closed fist, I listen. "Yeah, I can tell."

"Good." He's picking at the label on the bottle. "And to be truthful, we haven't had this many prospects since…ever." He chuckles. "So either you're damn lucky or…you might be actually good at this." Gesturing with his hands, he continues. "I mean, of course we might not sign any of these people you've found. But just the fact that we're getting our name out there is helpful."

I nod.

"So, what do you think of the guys?"

"Tim is pretty gung-ho about the business part of it all, Nate seems like he doesn't have direction but really knows his stuff when it's necessary, and Scott has a pretty impressive knowledge on books. They all know a lot more then they let on."

Ben laughs. "Yeah, that seems about right." Tilting the bottle back to drain the rest, he leans back on the chair. "So, you have any problems with them?"

"No." I shake my head.

"'Cause the guys and I think you fit in pretty well."

I narrow my eyes at this line of thought. "Okay."

"And given the way things are going, I think you'd be a benefit to Dog-Eared."

I cock my head to the side.

"Once you finish this coming week, I'll meet with my dad and see if we can afford another guy on payroll. It won't be great at first, we're still really small and you see how business goes for us. But, it'll be something and we can hook you up with an apartment not far from the store. My dad knows a couple of guys that deal in real estate locally, and so that won't be a problem. And you'll be doing pretty much what you're doing now, only with pay." He's pausing. "So what do you think about working with us full time?"

Rubbing my face with my hand, I finish off my beer and set it on the table gently. "You're offering me a position. Right now."

"That's right."

Slowly, I hesitate. "Not that I don't appreciate it, but can I have a couple of days to think about it?"

He nods in understanding. "Sure, not a problem. I'll need to know as soon as possible. I prefer before you leave, but if you still need time you can have another week. But I'd really like to meet with my dad as soon as I know, and I'll need some heads up."

I get up. "Of course."

"Okay." He stands as well. "And Jess? If you really don't think this is right for you, moving here to New York and all, there's no hard feelings."

"Thanks."

Clapping his hands together once, he sighs. "Alright. I've got a date with the lovely Amanda tonight." He stops. "Wait! Is it Amanda? Shit." I watch in amusement as he digs out his palm pilot to check. "Oh, thank god I checked."

Chuckling, I ask from the doorway. "What's her name?"

"Lauren."

I shake my head. "Have fun."

"Thanks." He leers at me and smiles. "Don't wait up."

---

Listening to the ring, I wait for her to pick up. "Hey Baby."

I chuckle. "Hey."

"I thought it was my turn to call tonight."

"Yeah." I shrug. "Just wanted to hear your voice."

"Alright." I hear music being turned down. "So, you come home at the end of the week."

Sitting down on the bed, I lean against the wall. "Yeah, almost."

"When should I come up to collect my boyfriend?"

"Saturday afternoon will be fine. Thanks."

"No problem. I can't wait to see you." She pauses. "Do you have a lot of presents for me?"

I make a face. "Like what?"

"I'm shocked! You don't have anything? What about that list I tucked into your bag?"

"That was a list of things you wanted?"

"Yeah, of course."

I pull if off the side table under my watch and wallet. "It's like a to-do list."

"Well, did you do it?"

"Um…" Taking the sheet, I read off the items. "One. Eat hotdog in Times Square. Take picture as evidence. Did that."

"Great."

"Two. Have cup of coffee in the Village. I had tea instead, does that count?"

"You're straying from the list. But I'll let it slide."

I shake my head at her insanity. "Okay, let's see. Three. Ride subway." I pause. "Rory, I've already been on a subway before I came this time."

"Well," she sighs, "Did you bring me a subway token?"

"They don't have those anymore. I used a metro card."

"You still have it though, right?"

"Yeah, I think." I dig it out of my wallet.

"Can I have it?"

"If you want."

"I do." She breathes out. "Next on the list?"

"Uh, four. Buy some knockoff from street vendor." I roll my eyes. "This is so lame."

She's laughing. "Well, did you do it?"

"I bought you a fake Rolex."

"Yay."

Picking it up next to my own watch, I examine it closer. "Hope it doesn't break before I get back."

"That's fine. Next?"

"Sheesh. Five. Stand in crowd for TRL." I scoff. "I did _not_ do that. Can't believe you even wrote that."

"That was just a joke."

"This whole thing is."

"Hey, it's the least you can do for me when you leave for a month."

"Don't pout."

"I'm not!"

I roll my eyes. "Yes you are."

"Well, you can't see me, so you can't prove it."

"Yeah, right."

The conversation stops for a moment. "Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"Are things going to be the same when you come home?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…well, you've been away for a month. A lot changes in a month."

I shrug. "Not that much."

"Are you the same Jess?"

I chuckle. "What does that mean?"

"I mean, are you the same?"

"I don't think I changed." A beat. "Are you the same? My girlfriend still a brunette?"

"Oh, that. Momentary lapse of judgment. Good thing I didn't do it."

"Yeah. I don't have a thing for blondes anymore."

"Anymore?" Her voice is curious. "You used to?"

I snicker. "Let's just say that I'm stuck on brunettes for the rest of my life now."

"Good answer. So, Saturday."

"Yeah." I relax on the bed. "Saturday."

"Should I bring Adso?"

Considering it, "I don't think so. Maybe it's best to leave him there when you come."

"Okay. Mom and I are having a movie night tonight, so…"

"I'll let you go then."

"Thanks. I'll talk to you in the next couple of days?"

"Sure."

"Bye."

---

It's warm outside and the slight breeze feels nice as we sit on the patio of the restaurant.

"Dude, that guy was scary." Nate takes a sip of his coke. "Why the hell would you send him to the office?"

I shrug. "He had a good manuscript."

Scott buts in. "I thought he was going to go all Tyson on me and threaten to eat my children."

Ben throws a straw at him. "You're so pathetic. Plus, you never get laid, let alone have children."

"Hey." Scott fires back a packet of sugar. "At least I can keep track of the names of girls I see, unlike some people."

Tim rolls his eyes. "That's 'cause you never get a date. Pretty easy to keep track of nothing."

Taking a sip of my green tea, I smirk. "You guys are sorry excuses for bachelors in New York City."

"Just 'cause you're jealous of our fantastic lifestyle," Ben tosses me a smile, "Don't trash the way we do things."

I shake my head. "I don't think I've seen you go out with the same girl twice in the month I've been here."

Scott raises his eyebrow. "Even if you're all monogamous and everything, doesn't mean that Benny is."

"Hey, I can do one girl if I wanted to."

Tim scoffs. "Yeah right. When was the last time you had a girlfriend and not just dates?"

"Well there was…" Ben trails off.

"Ha! That's right. Never." Tim leans back on his chair.

"Hey, hey, four o'clock, check her out…" Nate's head swivels at the sight of a pretty redhead and we all look in her direction. He blows out a whistle. "Your girl look like that, Jess?"

I smirk. "You're digging for information."

Scott slaps my shoulder. "Of course. One month of working with you and you don't spill anything. Not even when we got you drunk." He laughs.

"It was just a couple of beers."

"Yeah, but we got Tim to tell us about the time he wet his bed at camp." Ben chuckles. Checking his watch, he pulls out his wallet and signals for the waiter to bring the check.

"So how 'bout it man," Nate turns to me, "You coming back to stay for good or what?"

"I…don't know yet. I have to figure some stuff out."

Tim rolls his eyes. "You're so evasive sometimes."

"More like, all the time." Nate chirps in.

"If you're worried about your girl," Tim gestures with his hands, "We can have Ben's dad fix you up with an apartment big enough for two."

I shake my head. "It's not that."

"It's not?"

Ben has remained uncharacteristically quiet. In fact, I've noticed since that night he offered the job to me, he hasn't really brought it up anymore. He always sits back and lets the other guys talk when it comes up, but he doesn't push. Ben might be immature at times, but he knows his boundaries and he respects them. Especially when it comes to me. He knows who he can push and who he can't.

"No, it's not." I trace the rim of my mug with my fingertip.

"Well, we've gotten used to you." Scott can be so blunt sometimes. "So, if it's possible, we'd like for you to stick around." But he has heart.

"And if you do stay, Tim promises not to hit on her." Nate snickers.

Tim's hands come up in surrender. "Hey, I know the rules for friends' girlfriends. I'm not that much of a bastard."

Finally Ben interjects. "So eloquent." His chair scraps the cement as he gets up. "Alright, let's get out of here. We have actual work to do."

"Jess? You coming back to the store with us?" Scott slips on his sunglasses.

"Nah, I have some packing to do. I'll just head back to the apartment, if that's alright."

Ben nods. "Yeah, we'll see you later tonight after we wrap up."

We stand at the entrance of the restaurant and the guys start in the opposite direction. Nate turns around, "Hey, we'll have some drinks before you leave, okay?"

I smirk. "Sure."

"Later."

---

Adjusting my messenger bag on my shoulder, I smile to myself at the thought of those guys. I've enjoyed the last month with them. Oddly enough, we get along, which is kinda surprising granted the fact that I usually like to keep to myself. But these guys are…tolerable. Even to the point of fun. Keeping my eyes halfway focused on the street in front of me, my thoughts are mainly on the thought of living here for good.

"Jess?"

I squint into the light. "Susan." My amused expression drops. She looks the same. But different. Hair's shorter, just above her shoulders, but it's still that same shade of golden blonde that I remember. She's dressed for the office with a knee length skit and a matching blazer. She's wearing heels and stands just a hair taller than me. With heavy eyeliner around her eyes, I'm vaguely thinking about how she keeps that look in the humidity of summer. But she's very sleek; her look is not the relaxed college student I remember her to be. Her put-together look only serves to put me _off_.

"What, what are you doing here in New York?"

"I'm just here 'til the end of the week."

"Oh." Stepping to the side, I'm hoping to bolt, but she's moved as well, effectively trapping me between the entrance of a store and her body. "So, you've been in the city?"

I roll my eyes. "Looks that way, doesn't it?"

She's unfazed. "Listen Jess, I wanted to explain about the phone calls."

"No need." I shake my head. "I don't want to know."

She huffs. "I want to tell you."

"I don't want to hear." I shift my weight in preparation to step around her.

But she puts her hand on my forearm and that makes me freeze. "Don't you…" She sighs. "Don't you ever think about me, Jess?"

"No."

"That's a lie if I ever heard one."

"Doesn't matter whether it's a lie or not. You're not in my life anymore."

She's not listening. I can tell by the way she's just powering onto the next sentence. "I think about you."

I raise my eyebrow in question.

"I do. I think…I think about how I shouldn't have left like that."

I rub my face. "No, you shouldn't have. But you did. And it's done."

"But things can be undone." Her voice is sharp.

"Not this."

Suddenly, her posture softens and so does her tone. "Jess…"

I'm waiting.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. Really, I am. I thought I was doing the best thing for us. For me. But all this…" She gestures at the space between us. "I don't think my job was worth risking what we had."

I sigh.

"I mean, my job pretty much turned out to be everything I expected. Everything I wanted."

Bitter, I reply. "Good for you."

"But, this wasn't what I wanted for us."

"It's what you chose."

"I was wrong."

Irritated and impatient, I look down and my curiosity gets the best of me. "Why did you call all of the sudden? Why now?"

"I was dating this guy. And it didn't turn out well. Then I was thinking about how maybe I didn't want it to work with him because I still care for you. It was just such a transitional time for me, Jess. I didn't know what I wanted. I chose wrong."

"So you decided to ring up your ex as a rebound?" Scowling, I turn crass because I know it'll upset her. "What? Needed to get laid, so you call me?"

Her eyes narrow. "No, that's not what this is about."

"It's not?"

She grimaces. "No, Jess. It's not."

This is enough. "I need to go."

"Can we talk? Go somewhere and talk like adults? Preferably not on a street corner."

"No."

"Come on, Jess. Give me one reason."

I sigh. "I don't want to."

Her hands go to her hips defiantly. "Give me a good reason."

Leaning down, I retort. "You left. You. Not me."

"If you gave me a proper chance to just explain and maybe…"

I cut her off. "No. There's nothing you can say to make things different."

"It was a while ago." She's getting upset. "Can't we just start over? Clean slate?"

"There isn't even a slate to clean." I step to the left.

"You're not even going to try to give this a chance? I'm saying sorry now. You're just going to hold onto some grudge and not even try?"

Walking away, I don't even turn my head to glance back.

---

AN: As before…read? Review, please.


	16. Commitment

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 16: Commitment

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN: **As I have previously stated, this story is supposed to be as realistic as possible. While I had addressed the issue of character's decisions and natural human flaws, let me make a note that concerns a more technical side instead. Since the story is to reflect real life, the conversations and the structure of what is spoken will be written accordingly. If something appears to be grammatically incorrect in a conversation, it probably is. When speaking, even the most educated, can fall into subtle grammar traps. It is not that I do not understand how the English language functions, it is because people simply speak like that. Please understand and discern the difference between the spoken language and written language.

If you are to leave a review in which you have an issue to address with me as the author, please be respectful enough to sign in or leave an email so that I might explain the reasoning behind my choices or answer whatever questions/comments you might leave. Thank you.

Please be patient with me for updates. This story is coming into its final chapters and **I need more time** to plan out and write in advance so that there are no loose threads between chapters. Thank you.

H: Thanks.

Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when the circumstances are changed? AU

---

The phone is ringing.

_Hey, it's Rory. Leave me a message and I'll call you right back._

"It's me. I've been trying to reach you. I know the plan was for you to come up Saturday afternoon, but Ben has a meeting in our area and said that he'll drive me home tomorrow tonight. Uh, I'll try calling again later." Snapping the phone shut, I pick up some of my clothes on the bed and shove them into my duffel.

"Hey man. Let your girl know you're coming home?" Ben's head pops around the doorway.

I slip the cell into my back pocket. "Left a message."

He's lingering by the dresser, just watching me pack. "Listen, I know you haven't decided yet, but are you at least leaning towards a decision? 'Cause I hate to say it, but if there's a chance you might say no, I need to look for another guy."

Nodding, I hastily fold my shirt. "Yeah, I know." I stop to sit down on the bed, facing him. Nervously running my hand through my hair, I admit, "I…haven't told her yet."

"Ah." He leans against the wall. Absentmindedly, as if he can't decide whether or not to say anything, he picks at the piece of lint on his shirt. Sighing, he pauses and takes a moment. "I'm originally from California. The bay area. And I met this girl when I was college. It was…new for me." He chuckles dryly. "When the opportunity came for me to move to the city, she was…" Searching for the right word, he crosses his arms across his chest. "Opposed to the idea. And that was that. I left, we broke up, and still to this day, I think about how differently things might have turned out if I didn't leave. Or if she came with me. Or even if we tried to stay together."

"You think you made the right choice?"

"Honestly?" He scratches his head. "I really don't know. I like it here and I love my work. But…I loved her." He takes a breath. "I _thought_ I loved her. I don't regret it, so to speak, but I wonder. I'm not sure if things really turned out for the better, but it is what it is, and I can't change it."

Caught off guard, there's no sarcasm between us. "I've never heard you talk like this."

He smirks. "Yeah, I know. The other guys…don't know. Scott knows some of it. He knows that there was a girl and that I left, but that's it. I've known him the longest, but the other two don't have a clue. They think I sleep around because that's who I am." He pauses. "Listen, I didn't tell you all this because I think you should make the same decision as I did. I don't know your situation…"

"Rory's…special."

Ben cocks his head at the sound of me cutting in, but stays quiet.

"She's different. And I don't know if I feel like that because we're together and I'm blind, or if she really is different from other women. But there's just something about her. It's something that I can put my finger on that made me pay attention. Nothing big, like, cosmic forces aligning to bring us together, or that shit, but _something_. Lately I've been thinking that if I choose to stay in New Haven, am I doing it for her, for us, or just because I'm scared to loose something that I've become comfortable with?"

He nods. "With Gwen, I thought that I wouldn't know how to be…me, without her. But I was wrong. People adapt."

With Ben not knowing much background on my relationship with Rory, it makes it easier to just talk without delving into specifics. "Sometimes I think that she's not ready."

"To be with you?"

I shrug. "Dunno." I think about it for a moment. "Yeah, to be with me, to be together, to be so serious. But then I think, who the hell am I to talk? I never thought I'd be serious about anyone."

"She's…younger than you." He remembers what I had told him a while ago.

"Yeah." I breathe out. "But I think that has nothing to do with it. It's really more about the responsibilities that come with being in a relationship. Or even just knowing that you're ready. And I don't think she does. Someone who's eighteen shouldn't be tied down to a long-distance boyfriend."

"Eighteen?" His eyebrows hop.

I glare. "Don't say a word."

His hands come up in surrender. "Hey, I'm not one to judge."

"It's not about her age. Or even the _difference_ in our ages. It's just the feeling that she isn't really…ready. No matter how much she says she is."

"Don't you think you should let her decide whether or not she's ready?"

I look up.

"You already have enough to figure out on your own. You don't need to make her decision for her as well."

---

The answering machine beeps. "It's me again. I just thought I'd try to call you there in case you're at my place. I'm about an hour away. Ben's going to drop me off at home. I guess I'll just drive down to see you in Stars Hollow. Call me."

Looking over, I fiddle with the air condition vent. Ben's turned down the music and he just drums his fingers occasionally on the steering wheel. Relaxing back in the seat, I stretch my legs. "Did you ever run into her again? Gwen?"

He glances at me. "Uh, yeah. I visited a college buddy of mine and she was at a party I went to."

"And how was that?"

"One of the most awkward experiences of my life." He laughs.

I chuckle and wonder if I should continue. "Did she regret what happened between the two of you?"

"I don't think she did. She was there with another guy. Gwen's the kind of girl that will always have a boyfriend."

I nod.

"Hey."

I look in his direction.

"I think people survive. No one really needs a girlfriend to exist. It's more like, whether or not you _want_ to live without one." He concentrates on the road. "Without her."

Resting my head, I peer out the window.

---

"Thanks man."

He ducks down to watch me through the open passenger window. "No problem. You have my number. Give me a call. Whatever you decide."

I nod. "Yeah, I will."

"Get outta here. Drive down to see your girl." He winks. "I'm sure she's dying to be with you."

I chuckle. He rolls up the window and pulls out of the apartment complex. Shouldering my duffel, I dig out my key from my pocket to unlock the entrance to the building. I stop to check my mailbox, but it's empty, and I smile thinking about how she's must have been here recently to collect my mail. Stepping into the elevator, I pause as a guy shouts for me to wait.

The hallway is empty and as I open my door, the first thing I notice is that Adso is dozing on the couch by himself with his head on the cushion. "Hey Ad." His head picks up and tail thumps wildly as he comes over to greet me. Contending with his assault, I laugh, and sit down on the floor to ruffle his ears. "Why are you here by yourself?" He barks and something catches my eye.

The bedroom door is partially open with flickering light dancing in sight. Smirking, I realize that we're not here alone. Getting up I enter the room with the dog weaving in and out of my legs. Standing at the entrance of the adjacent bathroom, I lean on the doorjamb and gently push it open with a creak. She shifts her head, and the light catches her pale skin. One of her knees peek through a curtain of bubbles and her hair is piled messily on top of her head. Turning, the water shifts, and she leans on the edge of the tub with her chin propped up on her forearms. "Welcome back."

Chuckling, I drop my head and glance up through my eyelashes. I see that Adso's come to sit patiently, and I nudge him out of the bathroom with my foot. Closing the door behind me, I turn to look at her again.

She tilts her head. "No response?" She's teasing me.

If only she knew how physical my response actually is. "You didn't return my calls on purpose."

"Eh." She shrugs a bare shoulder. "I wanted to surprise you."

"That you did." I nod. Stepping over her abandoned shirt on the floor, I kneel by the tub to kiss her. My hand goes into the water to caress her back, and she reaches out to hold my shoulder as she deepens the kiss. It's sweet and hesitant and I realize that even if her original plan had been to seduce me, she's still shy about all of it.

Pulling out of the kiss, I notice that her hand retracts with a slight tremor. "Hey, what's this?" Taking her warm palm into my own, I kiss her forefinger.

She chokes out a startled laugh. "Just nerves, I guess."

Tucking a damp strand of hair behind her ear, I sit on my tile floor. "You nervous?"

"Yeah." She sets her chin on the tub's edge.

Laying a kiss on her forehead, I see her eyes darken. "It'll come back to us." I watch as her wet fingers come out of the water to unbutton my shirt. The top button, the next, the next…coming to the end, she slips it off my shoulders and I lift my arms up as she tugs on my t-shirt. Bare-chested with newly freed arms, I stroke the skin of her neck.

She leans into my touch and her eyes drift shut. Kissing each eyelid, I land on her mouth and she sighs and pulls back. "Jess."

"Hm?"

She looks over at me from her vantage point. "Get in, please." Simple and sweet. How can I refuse a request like that?

Standing, I struggle with my shoes, jeans, and boxers as she just tilts her head and watches me with an amused expression. She's scooting forward to the middle of the tub; I get the message, and climb in behind her. Sitting, my legs are on the outside of hers, and wet skin slides against my own, heightening the feeling of being with her. Turning back to make sure I've settled, she splashes water as she backs into my chest, and I cradle her from behind. She leans her head to the side, and I bend down to nuzzle the skin of her neck. Leaving my lips close to the space behind her ear, I feel her shiver as I kiss her. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Small hands come to grip at my kneecaps and I bend my legs to create more room for her. My arms are tightly wrapped around her, secure just below the curve of her breasts, and right now, it's all about the comfort of touch. She's not making a move to turn this into anything more, and I'm just content with holding her, even if my body is aching just being so close. She's tracing sloppy circles on my knees, and it seems she's just enjoying the moment to play with water like a child. "Oh, I forgot to tell you. I paid your bills with those checks you left, so that's all taken care of."

"Thanks." Oddly amused, I can't believe she's talking about bills when I'm behind her in the bathtub.

"And um, I stacked your mail on your counter."

Dipping down, I nip gently at the curve of her shoulder when I hear that she's still continuing to tell me about mundane day-to-day activities. "Okay." Loosening my grip, I keep one arm around her waist while the other cups her left breast.

"I also returned some phone calls for you. And your dad phoned and I told him that you'd call when you got back."

Brushing a thumb over a nipple, I lean forward. "Rory. I'm giving you some of my best moves and you're still talking."

She giggles. "Sorry." Turning, she catches my lips for a quick kiss. "I just didn't want to forget."

"Thanks, but I'm much more concerned about my wet naked girlfriend."

"Just using me for sex, huh?" She's teasing.

I raise an eyebrow. "Well, you did bring it up." I smirk.

Rolling her eyes, "And you say I make lame and dirty puns."

Pretending to be exasperated, "Are you gonna kiss me or what?"

"Well," she shrugs, "I guess I shouldn't waste the opportunity." She kisses me briefly, only to pull back at my groan. "And you do look pretty cute." Turning around, she's sitting on my lap and water sloshes as she wraps her legs around my waist. Her knees are sticking up awkwardly, and I can't imagine that she's comfortable, but as I feel her tighten her legs all rational thought flies out of my brain.

Now that she's sitting taller than me, I push her down and against me with flat palms on her lower back, and I lean against the shower wall as I continue to kiss her. Her arms are around my neck with an elbow bent against my collarbone, while her hand holds the back of my neck. Bare skin and erect nipples are rubbing at the skin of my chest, and I move her legs so that she can rest fully on my lap. But there's not enough room. "Ow." She pulls away from the kiss.

"Sorry." My voice is hoarse.

"S'okay." Bending down again, she kisses the side of my mouth and the angle of my jaw.

Relaxing beneath her, my blood is rushing towards the one part of my body that isn't getting enough pressure from her. "Rory…" My breath hitches as she suckles on my earlobe. "Can you just, sit down? I'm not…"

Even as I reach out to take a hold of her hips, she doesn't stop. "Nope." Switching sides, she licks at my jugular.

"Hey…stop teasing." I grip her backside just to emphasize my point.

Still ignoring me, she runs her fingers through my hair and tugs gently. She's coming back to kiss me on the lips, and I eagerly return her kiss. Feeling warm lips on mine, I reach up to take her jaw into my hands to apply pressure so that she'll open her mouth. Once I feel her parting her lips, I stroke my tongue against hers—wet, just like us in the tub. I'm getting some of the control back, as she moans into my mouth and I feel her settling down further into my lap. Almost feeling her on me, she seems to suddenly come out of the fog, and she gets up on her knees instead.

Groaning loudly, it reverberates off the tile. "Rory, stop." My head drops back against the wall, and I just lightly hold her hips as I see her grinning impishly down at me. "Geez, what are you doing to me?"

She's snickering, but doesn't say anything else.

Sitting up taller, I pull her flush against my body, grinding into her to show my frustration. She whimpers. Grinning into the kiss, I pull back just slightly. "Payback's a bitch."

Leaning too much of her weight on me, she's starting to slip on the surface. "Jess."

I come up on my knees to match her position, and I feel her try to maneuver her leg around mine. "Out of tub…" I bend down to lick the water off the side of her neck. "Now." Using the side for leverage, I'm starting to stand, but she's still holding onto my shoulders as she kisses my neck. "Ror…"

She nods into my neck and steps out of the tub. For a brief moment, I see hesitation pass through her features and she starts to reach for my towel to cover up. Standing before she has the opportunity, I wrap my arms around her for a hug. She looks up and wraps her arms around my torso. "It's cold."

"Oh." Misreading her need to dry off as uncertainty about being bare, I grab the towel and throw it over her shoulders. "Sorry."

"About what?" Her question is muffled into my neck.

I shake my head. "Nothing." Angling my body, I blow out some of the candles with her still in my arms, and I try to walk her backwards back into the bedroom. "Let's go to bed."

"Hm." Detangling her limbs, she slowly walks into the room with me trailing a step behind. She grins and turns around, tucking the towel securely around her chest.

Standing in front of her, I'm hyper aware of the fact that I'm still naked and I brush some hair off her face and watch it fall back into place. Tipping her chin up with my forefinger, I kiss her and my other hand finds the curve of her hip. She pulls back to give me a quick peck and something lights up her eyes. "Did you have a good time in New York? You haven't said anything about it yet."

"Huh." Going again for another kiss, I position one of my legs between hers. "Really not thinking about that now."

"Oh." She smiles and lets me kiss her again. Longer. Much longer.

I ease her onto the bed, supporting my weight with my forearms. One of her knees bend and she holds me close and somewhere in the back of my mind, I think about how typical this make-out position must seem.

She stops. "What?"

I shake my head and chuckle. "Nothing. Just a random thought." Kissing her again, I brush aside any other feeling besides her. Trailing kisses down her neck, I blindly fumble for the knot of the towel and it falls to the side and offers me full advantage of her breasts. Kissing each once, I scoot down on the bed, and massage them in my hands as I trace my tongue along the circle of her bellybutton.

Squirming, "Jess, you know that tickles." She sputters out laughter as I dip my tongue into the crevice. "Jess…please…" She's full out laughing now, and the sound pierces the silence of the room. "Please…stop."

Tickling the sides of her waist for emphasis, I relent and go back up face to face with her as I feel her knees bend. She's cradling me between her and that feels more intimate than anything else has this evening. Arching up into me, her pelvis hits me just right and I grunt into her shoulder. She licks the side of my mouth and I return her kiss mindlessly as I rock into her. Setting a rhythm, I drop my forehead onto hers and lift myself up on my arms. She's holding my hips and I see her watching our lower bodies, just like I am. Not kissing, but feeling every inch of her beneath me, I grind into her hips and she matches me, movement for movement, push for pull. Her hands are gripping my hips so tightly that I'm afraid she's bruising my skin, but as I feel her arch her back once more, I don't give a shit about anything but her. Bending one elbow, I rest my weight as I suckle her right breast. My fingers find their way down and below her legs and I smile against her as I hear a surprised shriek come out of her. Falling into a steady pace, she moves with me, and I can feel her tightening in response. Increasing the pressure, her body goes rigid and I slow down as I watch her ride the waves of her orgasm.

Rolling off of her, I lay down to her left and prop my head up with my hand. Her eyes are still closed and she's blindly reaching for my hand as she sighs into the pillow. Shaking her head, she grins and looks over at me with bright eyes. Snuggling into the sheets, she flops over and gathers the pillow into her arms. "I missed you."

"Hm." I pull down the sheet to reveal the bare skin of her back. "Ditto."

Moving over closer to me, she smiles and pushes me on my back as she kisses her way down my body. I hiss, feeling her hand take a hold of me, and my eyes close tightly. She's pulling me too close to the edge, and I fumble for her. "Rory…no."

She stops suddenly. "Sorry, did I hurt you?"

Breathing out a laugh, I sit up on my elbows. "No you didn't, but it's just too much, too soon."

"Oh." A pretty pink blush creeps up to her cheeks and I smile at her reaction.

Pulling her body down onto mine, I roll her over and kiss her from above. Her hands are wandering across my back, and she rests her hands on my lower back and massages the muscles there. I hear her murmur something under her breath but I ignore it as I feel her part her legs. Sinking down into her, I stop for a moment. Her hair is a charming mess and the ends are still damp from the bath. I kiss her forehead and feel her breath against my neck. She's wiggling her hips and my eyes roll at the sensation. "Ugh."

"Sorry, I just need…here." She stops and holds my hips with warm fingers.

Nuzzling against the side of her face, I drop my head lower to trace a circle on her shoulder with my nose. Laying my head down to the side for a moment, I see her yawn. "Hey, don't do that."

She turns. "Sorry." Her hand comes to play with the curve of my neck. Smiling, she admits, "You're wearing me out."

I smirk. "Don't fall asleep yet."

"Hm." Her eyes drift shut. "Okay." She turns again so that she's on her back.

I watch her with a smile in my eyes, as I see her settle beneath the covers. Extending a hand, I rub her thigh, feeling the slight hairs on her leg. I brush my hand back and forth, and I angle up to mouth the skin of her breasts. I see her eyes open and darken out of the corner of my gaze. Swirling my tongue against her nipple, I feel her hands tangle in my hair.

"Alright." She grins. "You've got my attention."

Snickering, I return to her breast. The covers are getting all tangled up between our bodies and I feel her wrap her legs around my waist. "Hm." Switching my attentions to her other breast, her chest heaves with a heavy breath. Her legs are tightening around my hips, and every time I brush my tongue against her, she grinds her pelvis into mine. I'm getting close and suddenly I realize that I don't have much time left. Pulling away, I stretch out my hand for the nightstand.

Her legs are still wrapped around me, and she's focusing on just that. Glancing down, I see her biting her lower lip and she's following my movement with her eyes. "Jess?"

"Yeah, hold on a second." Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I dig mindlessly. Not coming into contact with any small package, I lift my head to look over. Sitting up, I move her legs to rest them higher so that I can shift my position on the bed. "Shit!"

"What's wrong?"

My back is boneless and feeling her continual grinding certainly isn't helping. Flopping down on the bed, I cover my eyes with my hand. Defeated, I mutter, "We're out of condoms."

Rolling over, she brings the sheet with her as she lies down on my chest. Resting her head on my sternum, she pries my fingers off my face. "Then it's a good thing I got some the other day, isn't it?"

I lift my brow. "You went and bought condoms?"

She blushes hotly and even I can see it in the dim light. "Yeah."

"Huh."

Refusing to let me embarrass her any further, she appears indignant. "Well, you're lucky I did, Mister. We would've been in an uncomfortable situation if I left it to you, wouldn't we?"

"How did you know we were out?"

"I was putting some stuff away for you the other day. And I just noticed." She shrugs.

I nod. "Ah." Nodding again, I smirk. "Looking to get laid, huh?"

Her mouth drops open and she swats my upper arm. "That's an awful thing to say!" She shakes her head.

Laughing, I wrap my arms tight around her to resist her squirming. "Just kidding."

"No you're not." Her reply is muffled.  
I'm about to reply with another off-color comment, but she stops me, slapping a hand over my mouth instead. "Oh my god." She's absolutely mortified at the turn of the conversation. "Can we stop talking about this?"

Still delighted, I decide to drop it for her sake. "Fine." Pushing her up on my chest, I look at her darting eyes. "So?"

"So, what?"

"Where are they?"

"Oh." Climbing off of me, she takes the sheet with her and crouches by her bag in the corner of the room. "Here." Scurrying back onto the bed, she lands right on top of me.

"Umph." I glare at her.

She ignores me. "Serves you right."  
Plucking one out of the box, I toss it on the side table and take the box from her hands only to drop it on the floor. I cup her cheeks in my palms and bring her down for a kiss. Working our way back the moment, I can feel my body responding quickly. I'm pressed insistently against her thigh, and she reaches down to grip me. I shudder and break the kiss as I feel her quick downward stroke. Kissing her harder, I maneuver myself on top and I part her legs with my knee. Quickly feeling her with gentle seeking fingers, I pull up to watch her expression. "Yes?"

She nods and grips my biceps. "Yeah." Taking the condom off the nightstand, she rolls it on me herself and gives me a reassuring squeeze when she finishes. Angling her hips up to mine, I enter with a quick thrust and I stop to give her time to adjust. It's been a while and I can feel it as she engulfs me. She's nodding again and her hips are moving away from mine in a signal to me. Resting my body almost on top of hers, skin skims skin every so often as she pushes up into me. Undulating my body, I dip down to capture a nipple in my mouth. Whimpering, she matches my movements and bites down on my shoulder.

Thrusting into her, I see her struggling to catch her breath. I stop as I feel her tighten up. "Relax."

She smiles shakily. "I'm trying."

Giving her a moment, the passion is slipping away from us as I wait for her. Reeling it back in before it evades us completely, I reach my hand down between us in hopes that I can relax her body for her. Coaxing her to unclench, I pull my hand away to concentrate. Long, slow stokes persuade her to loosen up, and she's moving with me once more. Her hands are touching my chest and suddenly she clenches her body. Feeling her tense below pushes me off the edge and I lift her hips as I reach my orgasm. I hear her utter my name as I roll onto my side. Breathing deeply, I turn my head and smile.

She wrinkles her nose at me. "What?"

I can't shake my grin. "Nothing."

"Why are you smiling like that?" She giggles and rests her head on my shoulder.

"I don't know."

"Weirdo." She whispers. "You're so crazy about me." She's making fun.

I look at her seriously. "Yeah."

---

Glancing over at the clock, I realize that I've been watching her for about a half an hour now. It's just past midnight and she's snuggled against me. Inching my way up to sit with my back against the headboard, I smile down at her. It's weird, all of this. I never thought that I would fall in love like this. Certainly not to the point where I sometimes I feel like I can't breathe without her. I trace my finger down the path of her nose and she turns her head away from me. Smirking, I kiss her shoulder blades that poke through the top of the covers.

Hearing a gentle, muted whimper accompanied by the scratch of nails against the door, I quickly climb off the bed to open the door. Adso trots happily into the room and curls up at the foot of the bed. Returning, I pull the blankets over her shoulders so that she won't get cold.

I lean against the headboard and close my eyes. There's nothing more I could ask for. I feel utterly satisfied and for the first time in a while…I feel happy. Content.

Looking down, I see that her hair is obscuring her face, and it falls down her upper back. Sighing, I take a deep breath, and I feel like this is the right thing to do. Reaching over, I pick up my phone from the nightstand and quickly selected Ben's number. Choosing the text message option, I slowly and deliberately type.

_Count me in. Call me about the details._

---

"What do you wanna watch?" She asks from the couch while I make the sandwiches. Adso's laying down with his head in her lap and I grab the jar of mayo from the fridge.

"Doesn't matter. As long as it's not Animal Planet."

She turns to look at me over the couch. "Why not?"

"Adso gets all riled up when he sees it."

"Oh." She looks down and asks him instead. "Well, what do you wanna watch? Hm?"

Rolling my eyes, I slice the tomatoes.

"Hey. How about this, Puppy?"

Shifting my weight, I see that she turned it to the Cartoon Network and that Scooby Doo is on.

"No lettuce, please." She yells.

"Okay." Picking it off her sandwich, I add it to mine instead. Licking the excess mustard off my thumb, I grab the plates and balance them as I make my way to the couch to join them. "Ad, off." He jumps down and sits by my feet instead. Settling down next to her, I kiss her cheek.

"Thanks." Hungrily devouring her sandwich, she has a bit of roast beef on the side of her mouth.

I hand her a paper towel and she nods. Taking a bite, I listen to her chuckle at the show. Adso barks in response to her laughter and she giggles even more. Taking the remote off the arm of the couch, I mute it.

"What did you do that for?"

"Rory."

Her smile falters. "Yeah?"

Putting down my plate on the coffee table, I sit back and breathe deeply. "I…had a great time in New York. It was amazing. And I was good at it. Working with the guys was just…I don't even know how to say it."

"That's…great, Jess."

Adjusting my weight on the couch, I tuck one leg under so that I can face her. "Before I left, Ben offered me a job." I drop my eyes; I don't think I want to see her reaction. "And yesterday, I told him yes."

"Oh."

Eager to amend the situation, I'm quick to explain. "It's just that it felt _right_. And I didn't accept right away. I told him I had to think about it, but when I came home, and that night…" I trail off. "After we, you know, I just sat there and thought about it. And when I looked down at you, sleeping, all of it just felt right. I'm not doing this to leave you, Rory. I don't want that. I don't. I just need to do this for myself. You do understand, don't you?"

She nods.

"It won't be that bad. I can always drive down to see you on weekends. Ben's cool 'bout that kind of stuff. And you can always come up to see me. It's not that far away. You could always take the train up as well."

She nods again and I quiet down. She's pulling off the crust off her bread. "Rory? Please say something."

She looks up and I wince at seeing that her eyes are welling up. "Okay." Speaking louder, she screws up the courage to continue. "Alright."

Surprised, I ask, "Yeah?"

She smiles sadly. "Yeah. We'll just make it…work."

"Okay." Tugging her hand, I earnestly kiss her to let her know how much I appreciate her understanding.

She picks up the remote and turns on the sound again. Keeping an eye on her, I watch her take another bite of her sandwich, though I notice she's chewing slowly and isn't laughing at the show.

---

Picking up the phone, I hit the 'talk' button. "Yeah?"

"Hey man, it's Ben."

"Hey." Slowing my fingers on my keyboard, I turn down the music.

"So, I got your message and I met with my dad this morning. Everything pretty much worked out. Uh, he had no problems with another guy on payroll, and thought it was a great idea once I showed him the work you did for us last month." He pauses. "About the apartment. Just let me know when's a good day for you and I'll make an appointment with the realtors. Dad's already notified them, so they're expecting a call soon."

My eyes widen at the flurry of information. "Yeah, thanks."

"No problem. I'm just glad you decided to come." I hear some noise in his background. "So, I take it you told your girlfriend."

"Yeah."

"And she's okay with it?"

"Yeah." I swivel the chair. "Well, I mean, I think she is. She said she was, but she just seems…off since I told her yesterday. I don't know. I think she just needs time for it to settle in."

"I'm sure it'll turn out fine."

"Yeah."

"Listen, I've got to go. I've got a meeting with this advertising agency that might be doing some promotional stuff for us. Just give me a call when you're ready to look at apartments."

"Alright."

"Don't take too long. We'll need you as soon as you can move."

"Yeah, I know."

---

The door opens I see her slowly closing it behind her. Speaking up, I watch her from the kitchen counter. "Where've you been?"

She looks surprised, but doesn't respond otherwise. "Out."

Rolling my eyes, "Obviously."

She glances at me through a curtain of hair, and appears crestfallen at the sound of my sarcasm.

I exhale. "Sorry."

"No, it's alright. I've been sitting and thinking. I went to this coffee shop around the corner."

"It's after midnight, Rory." Conceding, I tell her what's really on my mind. "I've been worried about you. I called, but you didn't answer."

"Yeah, I accidentally left my phone on the dresser." Walking over, she stands in front of me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I just needed some time to think."

I hang my head. Mildly accusing, I mutter, "I _knew_ you weren't okay with it."

"No, it's not that. I am okay with it." She pauses at my raised eyebrow and amends her comment. "Slowly, becoming okay with the situation. I just needed to gather my thoughts and…" She sighs. "I don't know what I'm saying."

My arms drop to my side and I step forward to fold her into a hug. "I never meant for it to be so hard on you."

"I know." Her voice is muffled against my shirt. "And I'm not blaming you or anything. I'm not even asking you not to go. I know you need to do this, and I'm really happy for you. But…"

"Yeah." I rest my chin on her head.

"I'm really not trying to make things hard for you, Jess. Really."

I sway gently side to side. "I know."

"It's just…how will it work?"

I observe her sad eyes. "How will what work?"

"Us. Long distance. How does that all work?"

Vaguely thinking about Susan, how I came close to trying with her, I really don't know how to answer. "I'm not sure. I've never done long distance."

"What if it gets too hard?"

"Then we'll try harder."

She sputters out a dry laugh. "You make it sound simple."

"Look, I know it'll be hard. I'm not denying that. I just think that if we try and we both want it to work, then…"

She finishes my sentence. "It'll just work, right?"

I smile down at her. "Yeah." Kissing her, my lips linger close. "It's really not that far when you think about it. I looked it up."

"It's not the actual distance, it's the fact that you'll just _be_ far away." She pauses. "When do you leave?"

"Soon."

She nods into my chest.

---

"Jess?" I feel her hand extend beneath the covers.

"Yeah?" My voice is hoarse and I clear my throat. "What time is it?"

"Uh, after three."

"Hm." Closing my eyes, I lie on my back. "What is it?"

"I've been wondering."

Opening my eyes, I see her on her stomach, clutching the pillow to her chest. "Yeah?"

"Why weren't you seeing anyone when we first met?"

"What?"

"Why didn't you have a girlfriend when I first met you?"

Letting my head fall to the side, I rub my face. "You have some crazy thoughts in the middle of the night."

"Come on, just answer."

Closing my eyes again, I mutter. "'Cause I'm a perpetual loner."

"Jess." She pouts.

"Why are you asking?"

"I was thinking about it." A beat passes. "I'll answer any question you want if you answer mine."

Cracking one eye open, I mutter, "But I don't wanna ask you anything." I see her huff in frustration. "Alright." I breathe out loudly. "I wasn't seeing anyone 'cause I had recently got out of a relationship."

"Who? Why didn't you ever say anything?"

I close my eyes again. "I already answered your question. You only get one." I tease her curiosity.

She reprimands me. "Be serious, Jess. How come you've never said anything about that?"

Resting on my side instead, I turn to meet her solemn eyes. "Because."

Rolling her eyes, she scoots closer to me. "Because why?"

"'Cause how I feel about you has nothing to do with that." I lick my lips.

"Why did you break up?"

"She left." I keep it as simple as that.

She presses on. "Why?"

"Doesn't matter why."

"Of course it matters."

I exhale. "It was the…situation. She felt that it was best to leave."

Her brows are drawn tightly together. "That doesn't sound right."

"Yeah well…" I shrug. "It is what it is." My eyes are heavy and I yawn.

"Were you together for a long time?"

"Rory." I rub my eyes with my palm.

"No, I wanna know." Her hand comes up to rest on my stomach.

Rolling onto my back, I hold her hand. "It wasn't a long time compared to other people. But at that time, it was enough for me to consider it long."

"Oh." Her hand's warm in my palm and her chin lands on my chest. "Did you love her?"

Abashed, I tighten my grip on her hand. "Rory."

"What?" She refuses to break eye contact.

"You know I didn't love her."

Quietly, she responds as if she doesn't know how to continue. "How could I know? You've never said anything."

My other hand comes up to cup the side of her face. "But I've already told you that you're the only girl I've ever fallen in love with."

"So, no?"

I shake my head. "No, I didn't love her." But I don't add the fact that I _thought_ I was in love with her. In retrospect, I know I wasn't in love.

"She your age?"

"She's a little bit older. Less than a year."

"Hm."

"Why are you asking about all of this?"

"I just wanted to know."

I comb through her hair using my fingers and close my eyes again.

"What's she like?"

"It doesn't _matter_, Rory."

Quietly, "Why not?"

"Because I'm with you now." I'm getting a bit exasperated with this.

She's been quiet for the last couple of minutes and I think that she's dropped the subject. Glancing over at her, she looks thoughtful. Her hand comes up to tenderly brush the angle of my jaw and she pulls up to look in my eyes. "You were serious about her and she hurt you, didn't she?"

Breaking eye contact, I look at the ceiling and swallow hard. Minutes pass by and I don't dare to look at her again. Quietly, I breathe out, "Yes."

---

"Wednesday? That's fine. Yeah, I'll drive up for the day. Thanks man." Snapping the phone shut, I set it on my desk.

My head turns as I hear Adso's nails tinkering on the wood floor and I know that he's coming into the study to see what I'm up to. Sure enough, I see him saunter in dragging his blanket between his teeth. He stops, coming within a foot of my chair, and circles the same spot twice before lying down with the tattered cloth beside him. A thought pops into my head, and I roll the chair over by the door. "Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"You busy?"

I hear her footsteps. "No, what's up?"

"I'm checking out apartments on Wednesday. You wanna come?" I pull her down to sit on my lap.

She falls into me with a smile. "Yeah, that sounds fine."

"And about Adso…I'll need you to take care of him again while I move my stuff."

"Yeah, no problem."

Nuzzling her neck from behind, I kiss her shoulder. "Thanks."

"Uh huh." Her head drifts to the side to allow me more room. "Hm." She sighs out a moan.

"Yeah?" I run a finger down the path of a vein.

"Uh huh." Angling around, she kisses me sweetly. Holding her tight against me, I deepen the kiss as I lick her lower lip. She opens up and moans when she feels me tangling our tongues together. Hearing a whimper, she pulls back suddenly to see Adso worming his nose under his blanket.

She laughs. "Maybe we shouldn't do this in front of him."

Licking my lips, I lean forward to kiss her again.

Adso whimpers again. Putting her hands on my face, she stops me. "Seriously Jess…look at him. Poor thing." She turns around to face me, straddling my lap.

"Ad, out." I watch him huff and slowly walk out of the room. Kicking the door shut with my foot, I return my attention back to her. "Now, where were we?"

She snickers.

"Oh, yeah. Right here." Pulling her shirt up, I motion for her to lift her arms.

"You think I'm that easy, don't you?" She bites her lip with a tinkle in her eye. "You have to work at seducing me."

Smirking, "Don't worry. I'm on it."

Her laughter bounces off the walls.

---

"You coming home?" I switch the phone to the other ear.

"Yeah, soon. Maybe in an hour or so."

"Hour?" I stop the knife on the chopping board.

"What's the rush?"

"I'm making dinner."

"Oh." She sounds excited. "What are you making?"

"Lasagna."

"Okay, I'll see what I can do."

Shaking my head, I smile at how she always responds to food. "Alright. Bye." Opening the oven door, I check the food. Taking the garlic bread out, I slip off the oven mitts and cut off a couple slices. Grabbing the remote, I turn off the television and Adso picks up his head in question from the couch. I walk over to select a CD instead, and he barks as the music starts.

The doorbell rings and my head turns. Smirking, I can't believe she came home so soon. She must have been closer than I thought. Pausing the CD, I toss the remote on the couch next to Adso. Opening it, I question with a smirk. "That was fast. Did you forget your key—"

"Hi."

My face falls. "How the hell did you get into the building?"

"Someone left the door unlocked." Susan looks nervous. "Can I come in?"

I block the doorway. "No, I'd rather you not." Glancing down, I notice that Adso's come to sit at my feet, and he growls low in his throat at seeing an old familiar face.

"Hi Adso." She's reaching down to pet him, but he moves away from her hand to poke his head between my knees instead. He whimpers as she tries again to touch him.

"Leave him alone."

She straightens up. "Jess, please let me come in. I won't leave until I talk to you."

Dropping my arm, I walk away into the kitchen with Adso at my heel.

I see her gently push the door closed. "Everything still looks the same."

"Yeah." I lean against the counter.

"When I saw you on the street…that was, out of the blue. I didn't mean to shove all of that on you suddenly. It just that, lately, I've been thinking about you a lot and when I saw you…I don't know. It was like, everything came rushing back."

My eyes are hard and my expression unwavering.

"I miss you Jess." Her head drops down. "And I realize that I scared you off by telling you that day, and I'm sorry."

"It's not that, Susan."

"Then what is it?"

"I don't care that you miss me. I don't miss you."

She mutters under her breath. "That was harsh."

"Yeah well, it was harsh when you left me."

Pulling out a chair, she sinks down. "Don't you think I regret doing it? But, god, Jess…we were so young. How could you expect me to think of marriage and kids and forever when I'm just twenty-two?"

Disgusted, I don't move. "I never asked you to think of forever. I just asked that you let me be a part of your future, as a possibility."

"You're right. You're absolutely right. But I didn't know that until after I left. I'm sorry, Jess. But you were the one who told me that people make mistakes and it's fine. Because we're human."

I shake my head. "I didn't know what I was saying."

She nods sadly and I watch. Smiling, she looks over at me with tears in her eyes. "Remember when we first met?"

I look away. "Don't do this."

She ignores me. "It was at some function that your mom dragged you to. And I was in that stupid dress. I spilled champagne on it and when I went to go clean it off, I tripped over you on the stairs 'cause you were hiding with that book of yours. And I thought, 'Here is someone different.' You weren't like anyone I'd ever met. You had the money, the privilege, and yet you seemed uncomfortable. Like you still didn't belong even if you were born into our world."

Crossing my arms and my ankles, my chin drops on my chest and I whisper, "Stop." Yes, I missed her. Even as I began to see Rory. Hearing Susan tell me that I was different reminds me of how I feel about Rory. She is different. And that was what drew me into her. But…

"I didn't think you'd ever go for a girl like me. I mean, we were so different. I liked flowers and pink and the latest fashion, and you always wore the same pair of Converse sneakers and you were perpetually glued to black clothing. I knew nothing of books. But you still wanted to be with me. And you showed me a new world…one that you escaped to between the pages of your novels when you were bored with real life. You told me that you didn't care where you lived as long as it had wall to wall bookcases." She smiles.

And reluctantly…I grin as well. There is a lot of history with her. She truly was my first real serious girlfriend. Beyond the awkward first kisses, the long phone calls that kids shared in jr. high, and the fumbling of embarrassing dates. She was the first girl that I was comfortable with. I let her into my life, and consequently into my heart. We did have good times. For our first Christmas, even before she was officially my girlfriend, she spent weeks researching book dealers in hopes of getting me a first edition Hemingway. She wasn't successful and was only able to find a third edition. But that was enough to let me know how much she cared about me. That Christmas, I gave her a pair of black Vans slip-ons. They were her first.

"And when your grandmother died…that was intense." She winces at the thought. "You were so depressed. Remember? You wouldn't eat and you couldn't sleep. I took you to the pet store and showed you that golden retriever." She shakes her head. "But you just scowled and told me that you wanted to leave. Afterwards when we drove past the local pound, you asked to stop and we saw this scrawny black lab instead."

Inadvertently, I look down at Adso lying at my feet. He looked so lonely that day. Just sitting by himself in the little cell, he didn't jump up and bark at the people walking by the cages. He was the only one who stayed curled up by his bowl, and when I squatted down for a better look, he just picked up his head and locked those brown eyes with mine. And that's when I knew he was the one.

"And when you first kissed me—"

"Susan."

"—it was…" She sighs. "I don't even know how to explain it."

Squinting in the light, I shake my head. That was in the past. "Susan." My voice returns to its normal volume.

She cuts me off instead by getting up and standing in front of me in the kitchen. "Those were good memories, Jess. You can't deny that."

I lift my head up. "No, I don't deny it. But…" My gaze drops to the counter and I trace a finger along the edge of the sink. "But it's in the past."

"What do I need to do to show you that I've changed?" She's pleading with me.

I shake my head sadly. "I don't need you to do anything."

"Jess, I love you."

My head jerks at the sound of the door. It swings open and I see Rory's hands full of bags. "Hey, I was thinking on Wednesday, maybe we should take Adso up to New York." She backs into the apartment and kicks the door closed with her foot. Too stunned to say anything, it's like I'm watching this happen in slow motion. But she's still moving in normal time. "You know, that way you can see if he'll like your new place." Dropping the bags down, she shakes her hair off her face. Taking in the sight of us in the kitchen, she stops. "Oh."

I can feel my jaw clench.

"Um, hi. I'm Rory." She cautiously walks over to us.

Nodding, "Susan."

Shoving my hands into my pockets, I clear my throat. "Susan used to go to Yale."

"It's nice to meet you." Rory's eyes dart around between the two of us.

Suddenly, it dawns on her. She stares at me, accusingly. "You have a _girlfriend_." She spits it out bitterly.

Eyes up, I match her gaze. "Yes."

She blows out an irritated breath. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"You didn't ask."

Muttering, she keeps her voice low. "But you let me say all that stuff."

"I didn't ask you to say any of it. You wanted to."

Rory looks very uncomfortable watching all of this play out, but she stays still.

"Jess, I made a fool of myself!"

"You are the one who showed up out of the blue."

"Yeah, but you could have at least said something when I ran into you in New York. A little heads up would have been nice." She's talking as if Rory isn't standing next to her. She's angry and I know she has the right to be.

But so do I. "I didn't tell you about Rory because it's none of your business."

"Like hell it is. You should have said something. Anything."

Angry, I raise my voice. "My being with Rory has _nothing_ to do with you!"

"Yes, it does!" She's shouting.

"No, it doesn't. You're not in my life anymore. And what I do, or who I do it with, doesn't concern you."

Rory's eyes focus immediately at the sound of that. "Jess?" She whispers and starts to reach out to touch my arm.

But I ignore her.

"Jess, what did you think I was getting at, driving all the way down to New Haven to see you?"

Rory's hand comes to grip my elbow.

"I don't know what the hell you're doing."

"You just let me make a fool of myself. Standing here in my ex-boyfriend's apartment, saying that I love you. Shit!"

I make a fist and dig my nails into my palm.

She's on a tirade. "I mean, I run into you on the street. But you walk away, only saying that I hurt you. And yes, I know I hurt you, but I'm sorry, Jess. Can't you get that through your thick skull?"

Adso's barking now; he doesn't do well with yelling, and he's starting to get nervous. Shooting him an angry glare, "Adso, stop!" He whimpers and his tail droops. Rory's bent down to soothe him, and he licks her hand. My eyes soften at the sight, and I wish I could calm down just as easily.

Susan sighs and crosses her arms.

"Please leave."

"What?" She drops her arms.

"Please leave." I repeat myself. "Now."

"Fine." She picks up her purse on the counter and closes the door behind her.

Hearing the door shut, my legs give way and I sink down on the kitchen tile. Adso's come to lick my face, and I bend my knees so that he can sit between them. Rory's standing now, looking down at me, and she appears oddly serene. "So…she's the one."

I know what she means. Closing my eyes, I thump my head against the base cabinet. "Yeah."

"And she's blonde." Pausing, her arms hang awkwardly at her side. "Why didn't you tell me what happened in New York?"

"Because it doesn't matter to me." I cover my face with my hands.

She sits down across from me. "It obviously matters enough for you to get this upset."

"I didn't know she would come here. I thought I saw the last of her."

Nodding, "She wants you back."

"I don't want her."

She's picking at her cuticles. "She's very…pretty."

Scoffing, "Didn't notice."

"You have a lot of history with her."

"Inevitable."

"She left you…why?"

Exhausted, I don't have the strength to evade. "She got a job offer in New York. She didn't think we would work out with the distance. And she left."

Her eyes widen. "Wow, talk about irony."

Dryly, "Yeah, I'm well aware of the obvious parallels."

"You wanted to make it work with her, didn't you? You wanted to stay together."

I shake my head. "She didn't." There's no need to affirm the fact that I had, indeed, wanted to at least try to make things work with Susan.

"What would have happened if you guys stayed together when I met you? We would have never dated."

I reach for her hand. "Who cares? It didn't happen that way." Closing my eyes, I just feel her fingers between mine and let the minutes pass by.

"I can't believe…I ever thought…" Pulling her hand away, she stands. "Jess, I can't do this."

My head whips around at the sound of that. Apparently while I had taken the last couple of minutes to calm down, she did the exact opposite. "Do what?"

"This."

Annoyed, I wish she'd just get to the point. "This, what?"

She raises her voice. "This! Us." Shaking her head, "I can't do it."

"_What_?"

"Seeing all this and listening to you…I don't know what I was thinking."

Rubbing my face, I cannot believe she's doing this now. "Rory, you don't mean it."

"Yes, I do."

Getting on my feet, I stand. "You're just freaked because of what happened right now."

"No, it's not just that."

"Then what is it?"

"It's New York City. It's you." Her hands gesture quickly between our bodies. "That's what it is! It's far."

My eyes narrow at her pathetic fumble for an excuse. "It's not that far away. You know that. You can take the train, or I can drive down to see you."

"This is not even about distance anymore! It's not about driving or the train. It's about proximity. It's about us. I don't even feel like I _know_ you anymore! It's all just changing!"

Grasping for straws, I reach out for her, but she backs away. "Rory, it'll be fine. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Susan earlier, but I just felt that was in the past and you're my present. The two just doesn't mix in my head. We'll make it work. Please don't do this. Not now." I sound like a broken record.

"No. I was right before." She hugs herself protectively. "Being away from you for a month was too long. We won't _survive_ being so far away indefinitely. And you've changed."

"I haven't changed." I'm defensive. "You aren't sure that we won't survive. You haven't even _tried_."

"It'll be better to end things now. Before it gets complicated."

And that sends me around the bend. "Fuck, complicated! It's too late for that. This isn't our first date or our first week of seeing each other. It's been nearly a year!"

"Not yet."

I roll my eyes. "Stop it, Rory. Don't do this to me."

"No, don't tell me what to do!" She stomps her foot childishly.

Seeing her do that stops me. Right in the middle of my thoughts. It startles me beyond any of her surprising words. I realize what I told Ben about feeling that she's not ready was true. She's still so much like a child. Young and yet, not young. Mature but not quite there. She really isn't _ready_ for us. I was right. Calmly, "Think about what you're saying."

"I've already thought about it."

I close my eyes. "You're going to throw us away because you're getting a little insecure?"

"Don't tell me how I feel."

Exasperated, I throw up my hands. "Damn it Rory, I'm not telling you how you feel. I just can't believe you changed your mind so suddenly."

"I didn't change! This was always in the back of my mind."

"So you were thinking of leaving even when you told me that you wanted to stay together?"

"You're the one who's leaving." She mutters under her breath.

"Not that again!"

"It's not." Biting her lip, she pauses. "I understand that you need to do this. I get it! I'm not asking you to give it up and stay. But maybe this is just something you need to do by _yourself_."

I shake my head and the response comes from low in my throat. "Don't make my decisions for me."

"I'm not. I just think that maybe I need to figure out what I need to do as well."

Bitter, "And you need to do that alone, right?"

"Well," she crosses her arms, "Maybe."

"And what brought on this sudden need for soul-searching?"

"You got me to thinking…about my future, about everything."

"So this is my fault?"

"It's no one's fault!"

"Then _why_ are we breaking up?"

"I just think it's not a good time now."

"And who are you to make that decision for us?" I rub the bridge of my nose. "Things will never be the perfect time, Rory. Perfect timing doesn't exist. You just make the best out of the situation."

"You just don't see it, Jess. You'll need time alone, and you certainly don't need to worry about your girlfriend who's stuck in New Haven."

"Why are you doing this? You're being irrational!"

"No, I'm not! I'm not! I just can't be your girlfriend any more." Her eyes glaze over and I see her scrambling for an explanation just to get out of this conversation. "I don't love you."

Hearing that is like a dull rusty razor slicing through my skin. "_What_ did you just say?"

Her head bows and she stops. But she's already said it and I know she won't back down. It's who she is. She's the kind to say something and stick to her guns, no matter how foolish her statement is. She squares her shoulders and straightens her spine but hesitates and stutters. "I said I don't…love you."

She doesn't mean it. I _know_ it. I can see it in her eyes. But she said it to hurt me and it does. It _hurts_. She wants out and I can't do anything but give her what she wants. "Fine." I turn my back to her and brace my hands on the counter. "Leave."

Her hand reaches out for my shoulder and I flinch away. "Jess..."

"Leave, damn it!" I turn and see that she's crying. "Just go!" I hear quick footsteps out of the apartment and the gentle closing of the front door.

I turn around slowly and I feel my vision becoming hazy. My body seems to be moving on its own accord without permission from my brain. I want to sit but I can't seem to bend my knees. I want to scream but my voice isn't coming at my command.

My legs finally give out and I sink down to the floor again.

Adso has walked over and now puts his head on my thigh.

I rub my face.

My eyes are wet.

I didn't even notice.

She's left.

And that's that.

---

The oven timer beeps.

Lasagna's ready.

---

**AN: **Read? Review. Please keep in mind my author's note above about the issue of time. Be patient, and I promise that the story will be finished. Thanks.


	17. Actuality

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 17: Actuality

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: The idea, concept, and other miscellaneous belong to me.

**AN: **This chapter was particularly hard to write. The transitions of emotions and etcetera were hard to pinpoint. However, in the end, I'm happy with the way things naturally developed. Enjoy!

Please make all my time and effort worthwhile…_review_ when you're done. Thanks.

The beginning picks up right were we left in C16: Commitment. Refresh the last half of that chapter if you so desire.

Asa: As always, thank you.

Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when they discover each other? Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors. AU.

---

The apartment's dark and I'm still sitting on the floor of the kitchen. How long ago had she left? My lower back is killing me and the hardness of the tiles feels like a knife cutting into my tailbone. My legs are numb from the knees down and I can barely feel the tips of my fingers. I'm concentrating on the steady beating of my heart and I now realize that I'm alive and awake and that this is actually happening. No, I shake my head, no, this isn't happening.

No.

I'm going to wake up any moment and sit up in bed and see that all this is just a dream. A nightmare. I'm going wake up and take several deep breaths and rub my eyes and then I'm going to turn around and see that she's not gone. She's going to be lying there in my bed, peaceful and beautiful. And once I realize that it's all in my mind, I'm going to slowly lie back down and reach out to touch her face and it'll all be okay. She'll stir and wake up and give me a sleepy smile and a lazy kiss. It's all going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It's just in my head. I'm not sitting in my kitchen. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not.

It's okay.

I'm okay.

I'm going to wake up.

She's going to be right next to me.

This is simply a cruel joke I'm playing on myself.

This isn't happening.

This isn't real.

No…

No.

No…

I bang my head against the counter in hopes of waking my body so that it can catch up with my mind, but instead I see stars. Suddenly I can't breathe. I can't catch my breath as I really see the situation. My eyes cloud over and bile rises in the pit of my stomach. Quickly shooting up to my feet, I turn around and throw up into the sink. The bitter taste is awful but I hardly feel it. My knees give way and I clutch the sink with white knuckles. Oh _god_…

---

There's a feeling of emptiness, a void that can't be explained nor filled. I sit in an empty apartment listening to the ticking of the clock. Each second booms and I resist putting my hands over my ears to cover the sound. At least I can understand the source of the sound and I know that if I covered my ears the pain would stop. The noise reverberates off the walls and onto my body. But I don't move even as the sound hurts. The physical pain is a welcomed sensation to the pain within my bones. It starts within my bones and travels into the muscles. From there it leads to the ends of my nerves and makes me feel like I'm on fire but I'm freezing cold. I want to scream just to stop the silence, but I also want the noise outside my window to stop so I can have a moment of stillness. I know how to stop physical pain. It's an easy drill; I was taught as all children are told at a young age. Stay calm. Put pressure on the wound. Call 911. But _this_ hurt…the one inside…I have no idea how to stop it and it's scaring the shit out of me. It scares me more than the thought of being alone and it frightens me that I'm scared. I'm terrified that I'm so fucking _scared_…

---

It's been a long time since I've had a cigarette. I always fancied myself as a casual smoker, whatever the hell that meant. In all honesty, I use cigarettes as an outlet for stress. I haven't smoked in a long time, owing to the fact that I knew she wasn't exactly a fan of me blackening my lungs prematurely, but who cares now?

The smoke curls from the tip of the burning tip and I watch it make its lazy journey, disappearing and mixing with the air around it. Leaning back, the wall supports my back. In the corner of my bedroom, I find peace.

Inhaling deeply, I close my eyes.

---

The door is ringing. "Come in!" Realizing that it's not the doorbell, I trip over the laundry basket to reach the intercom. "Yeah?"

"Jess. It's your dad."

_Buzz_.

I unchain the lock and leave the door open.

Dirty, unshaven, and unfocused, I walk over to the kitchen to grab the bottle of Absolute. I take a generous swig and make a face as it burns its way down my throat.

"Jess, what the hell? I've been standing downstairs for over ten minutes." Dad walks in and closes the door behind him only to turn around and stop at the sight of my apartment.

I know what he sees. Even though I'm pissed drunk right now, I know why he looks so surprised. Books are scattered all over the floor, clothes are divided among piles, and every CD and movie I own is resting in stacks on the kitchen table. I got the overwhelming desire to start packing after she left my apartment a couple days ago, but then I found a twelve pack of beer and my concentration switched. When I finished the beer I discovered a large bottle of vodka in my pantry. It's been my friend ever since. Eyebrows raised, Dad steps over my mound of contemporary novels.

"I take it you didn't get the job?"

Swiveling around, I grip the counter so that I won't fall down. "Nope. Got the job. I'm packing for it."

"That's great, Jess."

"Yep." I blow across the top of my bottle and it whistles. Tilting my head back, I take another shot. "Got the job. Lost the girlfriend."

Immediately, his demeanor changes. "Son…I'm sorry." He's coming over and I can see even through my alcohol-induced fog that he's about to hug me.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. I'm alright." I put down the bottle onto the counter and ward him off by waving my hands. "No need to feel sorry for me. Nope. No need. I've got this new job that I'm good at. I'm moving into a new apartment. I'm getting the fuck out of New Haven and I'm doing it all by myself. Me. And I don't need anybody's help. I don't need anyone."

Dad is watching me with narrow eyes. "Jess."

"Nope. I'm okay. Do you know why? Because I finally get it. I really do." I gesture randomly with my hands.

"What is it that you get?"

"What?"

"You were saying that you finally got it. What is 'it'?"

"Oh, right. I'm not made for relationships. I suck at them. And do you know what else?" I pick up the vodka again to take another gulp. "I found out that I don't need them. Who needs a girlfriend?" I shrug. "Nope, not me. You just need some causal sex once in a while. That's it. Get laid once in a while to take the edge off, but who really needs a girlfriend? Who needs all that commitment shit? I certainly don't. Nope. I don't need to worry about what we're eating for dinner or what time I need to set the alarm for her because I like being on my own. I can make my own decisions at the very last minute and wake up whenever the hell I feel like it. I've learned my lesson."

He comes forward and takes the Absolute out of my hands. "I never wanted you to learn that lesson." He pours it down the drain.

"Hey! That's mine."

"You look like you've had enough."

"Never enough."

He looks down at me and glares. "You're drunk at nine in the morning. I'd say that's enough alcohol."

"Sure." I nod. "No problem. I think I still have some beer somewhere. And cough medicine that's like, twenty percent alcohol. That'll give me some kinda buzz."

Grabbing my shoulder, he shakes me. "Jess, snap out of it."

"Hey careful, that's my favorite t-shirt."

"Come on." Dragging me by my arm and waist, he's walking me towards the bedroom and into the bathroom. Shoving me into the shower, he turns the cold water on full blast.

"Shit! _Fucking_ shit!" I try to get out, but he's holding me still. "Let go of me, damn it!" He pulls back and I scramble to turn off the tap. Shaking my wet hair, I reach for my towel. "God, what the hell is wrong with you?"

His eyes are unwavering. "Take a hot shower. Sober up. I'll get some food." And with that, he closes the door behind him.

---

Out of the shower, water is dripping from my hair down to my neck, and I shake it out of my face. Rubbing my eyes, I notice just how messy my apartment really is. Dad has apparently come back and he's leaning against the kitchen counter with burgers and fries. "Here." He hands me a bottle of water. "Drink this before you eat."

Taking it from him, my mouth feels fuzzy and I finish the entire bottle. "Thanks."

He shakes his head and motions to the food. "Eat."

I make a face. "I don't feel like eating."

"Eat."

"Fine." Grabbing a couple of fries, I take a bite. Scarfing down the burger, I realize that I can't remember the last time I ate. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Dad watching me and I hate that I see pity in his eyes. Even from my own dad, I don't like seeing it.

"Jess…"

Mouth full, I hold up my hand. "Don't say it."

"Don't say what?"

"Don't say whatever it is that you're thinking." I scowl. "And for god's sake, don't pity me. I'll be fine."

"Oh, shut up, will you?" He matches my scowl. "I don't fucking pity you. You're my son. Of course I'm going to be worried about you. I know you don't handle these kinds of things very well."

"What things?"

"You know," he gestures, "these kinds of things."

"Just spit it out." I take another bite. "You were going to say I don't handle breakups very well."

"No." He stops my hand from going for another fry. "You don't handle disappointment very well."

"What are you going on about?"

"Remember when you were a kid and your best friend moved away right before you two were going to go to camp for the summer? I got a call almost every other day from the counselors telling me that my son has either got into a fight, tried to run away, or is hiding somewhere around the lake."

Frowning, I dip the fry into a mixture of salt and pepper. "I was six."

"And then there was the time where we thought we might get one of the neighbor's newborn puppies, and when they decided to keep them instead, you threw rocks and almost broke two of their windows."

"I was a kid. I really wanted a dog."

"And oh, when you were even younger, you asked for a brother or sister to play with, but never got one, you refused to talk to me or your mom for almost three weeks. You just kept on talking to that imaginary friend of yours, and we'd find you down the street at the park in the middle of the night, swinging with your 'friend.'" He makes air quotes.

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm just stating the fact that when you expect something, and it doesn't happen…you go a little crazy when you're let down."

Gathering the wrappers, I walk over to the trash. "Don't worry, Dad. I'm not about to slit my wrists over a girl."

He rolls his eyes. "I didn't say you were _suicidal_." He's watching me clean up the kitchen. "Jess…come on. Just stop for a second."

"What do you want from me, Dad? Huh?" I'm suddenly angry and I can't stop it. Throwing down the rag I was using to wipe down the counter, I turn on the facet to rinse a dish instead. "What the _fuck_ do you want me to say?"

"Jess."

"She left me! Just fucking _left_. She gave me some bullshit excuse about me needing time by myself once I got to New York. I thought she was fine with everything until that night. And she just exploded on me." Pausing, I pick up the sponge on the side of the sink. "Well no, that's not true. I knew it in my gut that something was wrong. It was all just too easy." I turn the water over to hot. "Just all way too easy. She just said 'okay, we'll make things work.' And I knew, I fucking _knew_ that there was no way it could be so easy. I was waiting for some kind of flip-out or crying or something…but nothing. And I let my guard down. I thought that maybe everything was going to be okay. Maybe it would work out."

"Jess."

Furious, I pay no attention to his voice. "I should have _never_ got involved with her. I knew she was too young. She just isn't ready for anything serious. Hell, _I'm_ not ready. I'm not cut out for relationships. Who was I kidding? Who do I think I am? But I thought that if I wanted to try and she wanted to try…then at least we could _try_. Try to make things work. I'm such a fucking idiot."

"Jess."

"And god! Just what the hell is happening to me? Susan shows up at my door saying that she loves me, and that she wants to get back together. For a moment, I have Susan and Rory standing right in front of me. And when Susan leaves…bam! All of a sudden Rory's flipping out, saying stuff, as if it'll be good for the relationship, when all I'm doing is trying to convince her that she's worrying for no reason and that nothing needs to change. But she's so damn _stubborn_. She just gets an idea in her head and no one can knock it out. Not even her."

"Jess."

Rotating, I sneer and slap away his hand. "_Stop_ saying my name. _Stop_ trying to calm me down."

"Son…"

Demoralized and defeated, I stop. My knees buckle and though my hands are still wet in the sink, I fold forward and my forehead thumps against the edge. My legs feel as heavy as lead, and I can't straighten my back. I feel the water running over my hands, and I clench my fists, but I grab at nothing but air. Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes to concentrate, but the sight of the counter is swimming before me and I feel hot tears building at the back of my throat. Opening my mouth, I can't seem to gulp in air, and my lungs are screaming. I feel like I'm burning and drowning all at once. My forearms are becoming bruised at the odd angle that I'm holding my body's weight. Somewhere behind me, I hear Dad shuffling his feet. I can feel his presence behind me. Ashamed and so embarrassed, I just can't find my voice. But he's not touching me. He knows that even if I need someone to hold me, to hug me…he's not the one I want it from. Quietly, so softly, I feel like I'm choking. "She said she didn't love me. She _said_ it."

I feel Dad's hand come to grip the back of my neck, holding tightly, as I loose control.

"Oh _god_…"

---

_Fuck_.

My head is throbbing. How the hell did I end up on the bed?

Adso's nosing my face, and I gently push him aside. "Go, go play." Instead of listening to me, he plunks his head down on my stomach. "Umph." He barks once, but it's enough for it to ring in my ears. "No barking, Ad. Please." He stops and huffs out a grunt instead.

I turn my head on my pillow and rub my face. My mouth feels like it was stuffed with cotton. Swiping my tongue over my lips, I'm incredibly dry and if only I had a bottle of water within my reach…Something catches my eye and it's one of my old t-shirts poking out under a pillow. Stretching for it, I feel the soft cotton between my fingers. She's been wearing it for the last couple of months. She had this odd habit of shoving her pajamas under her pillow after she changed in the morning and I always wondered about it, but she said that it's just easier to locate when she's tired at the end of the day.

Pulling it out from under the pillow, I bring it up to the light to examine it. Closing my eyes, I can still smell her body wash lingering on the shirt. It smells clean but not fruity or heavily perfumed. Simple and crisp. That's what she smelled like. God, thinking about her in past tense is depressing. Rolling onto my side, I keep the shirt in my grasp. The last time I took this shirt off of her was just the other morning. I woke up and she was straddling my lower abdomen with a mischievous grin. I had rubbed away the sleep in my eyes and held her gently by the waist. She whispered into my ear and…

I need to get out of this bed.

_Now_.

There are simply too many memories.

Throwing off the covers and swinging my legs over to the side, I take a moment holding my head in my hands. God, I need to find some aspirin. Gingerly peeling off my shirt, I rummage through the drawer for another. The only thing I can find is an old Tool shirt that's snug, but it's clean and I don't have the strength to worry about it.

The apartment's cold from the morning air and I pause by the thermostat to turn on the heat. It rumbles to life and I pad my way slowly into the kitchen. There's nothing in the fridge except for some beer and half-empty containers of old take-out that I don't remember eating in the first place. The side cabinet opens with a creak and I find a package of instant oatmeal. There's only one clean bowl and I rip open the oatmeal and stir in some water. Waiting for the microwave, I half-heartedly fill Adso's food to the brim with kibble. He's nowhere to be found and I assume he's still lounging in the warm bed.

The bland taste of oatmeal settles my stomach but my head still feels fuzzy and incoherent. The phone's ringing and I reach across the counter to grab it. "Hello?" My voice is croaky and I barely recognize it as my own.

"Jess? You alright?"

"Yeah." I take another spoonful of artificially flavored peach oatmeal. "Yeah, I'm fine." What the hell does that mean anyways? I'm fine? Fine with _what_?

He's pausing and I can tell he doesn't believe me. "Yeah, well I just wanted to call and make sure that you got up okay."

I can't help the roll of my eyes. "I didn't poison myself to death with alcohol if that's what you're worried about."

"You were pretty out of it when I put you into bed last night."

So that's how I got there. "I bet."

"Son, if there's anything you need…"

"I just want to be by myself right now, Dad." I falter for a moment. "Did you…did you tell Mom?"

"Yes, I did. She asked where I was."

I close my eyes. "I bet she had a lot to say." I don't mask my tone of annoyance. She's always hinted at my lack of ability to retain a steady girlfriend.

He sighs. "Jess, she's just worried about you. That's it."

"Yeah." I don't believe him.

His voice rings out clear. "It's true."

"Okay." I don't want to fight about it.

"Maybe I'll just drop by tonight with some dinner, huh?"

I shake my head. "No. I'll be all right. I can take care of myself. Don't worry."

"Okay." He's hesitating. "But call if you need anything."

"Yeah." I hang my head and whisper, "Thanks Dad."

"Bye."

_Click._

---

I reach to grab the phone off the coffee table. "Yeah?"

"Jess? It's Ben. Where the hell have you been? I've been calling your cell."

"Sorry."

"You were supposed to come up yesterday to look for an apartment but you never showed. You alright?"

"Um, yeah."

"What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Well, can you come up today?"

"It doesn't matter. Just find a place for me that's near Dog-Eared."

"Well, you have to come see it."

"No, I don't care. Just find one for me."

"I can't just choose an apartment for you."

"Just find one, damn it!"

He pauses. "Jess, what's going on?"

"Nothing."  
"I thought you were coming up with your dog and your girlfriend to find a place."

"Just find a place that'll let a dog in the apartment."

"And the girlfriend…?" He's hedging.

I sigh. "Just me and the dog."

"Oh." He doesn't ask and he doesn't dwell. "Okay, I'll take care of it for you."

"Thanks." I toss the phone to the other end of the couch.

---

I slide the shower door open as I shed my clothes. Stepping under the hot stream, I brace my hands on the wall, fingers gripping at smooth tile. Reaching for my shampoo, I blindly let the water wash over my head, matting my hair down. Popping the lid, I squirt a generous dollop and scrub it into my hair. Suddenly, I stop. Blinking through the foam that's stinging my eyes, I realize that I've grabbed her shampoo by mistake. Why didn't I see this earlier?

I wrench my eyes away from the nondescript bottle and grit my teeth as the smell over powers my senses. How many times have I buried my face in her hair at night, in the shower, randomly during the day, only to find myself calmed by the clean crisp scent? But now, it makes me nauseous. Bile raises up in the back my throat, and I vigorously scour my hair, ridding her scent off my body.

Quickly turning off the shower, I step out only to see that I'm gripping the bottle in my right hand. Angry, I throw it into the wastebasket with so much force that it tumbles over and the shampoo breaks and leaks all over the floor. Rubbing my wet face, I feel sick all over again. Kneeling in front of the toilet, I dry heave, but nothing comes.

Sitting down on the bathroom mat, I shut my eyes.

---

"Jess? I found a place for you. Three blocks down from my apartment, it's nice. High ceilings, it feels like a loft, but has much more open room. Two rooms, one bath. It's almost better than mine."

I scrunch my face and turn down the television to concentrate on the phone. "How much is that costing me?"

"Cheap. Told you my dad knew guys in real estate. Don't worry 'bout it."

"Are you doing me a favor or paying for it?" Ben comes from my socioeconomic world, and I know that he would do anything for a friend. Even if it means paying for it himself.

"None of your business." I imagine he's smirking. "All you need to know is that I found you a great place and that you move in next Friday. But you can't bring your dog right away. I'm…working on the landlord."

"Ben, don't make any hassles. I'll just find another place. Doesn't have to be this one."

"Of course it has to be this one. It's fucking great. Seriously. I'll just lean on the guy a bit, but it'll take some time. Give me until, like, the end of the month. Then you'll be able to move in your dog as well."

"What am I going to do with him for a month?"

"It won't be that long. What did you do with him when you were up here last time?"

"I had _her_ take care of him."

"Oh." He pauses. "Well, don't you have anyone else who can watch him?"

I sigh. This really isn't what I want to be doing right now. "I'll call around."

"'Kay." He hangs up.

---

The bed is cold and I stare wide-eyed at the ceiling. Just one week ago, she had snuggled her way into my side as I kissed her forehead. Our muted whisperings spoke of our day and other menial things that meant nothing. But we were happy. I thought we were happy.

How _could_ she?

Rolling over, I reach out to touch the empty side of the bed. Nothing.

Blinking, I realize that there is no one a person can rely on. No one. The world's cold and in the end, love means nothing.

---

"Alice, please. I just need this favor. You've watched him before."

"Yeah well, that was before my allergic boyfriend moved in with me."

I switch the phone to the other side. "Come on, it can't be that bad. I don't have anyone else."

"What about your parents?"

I roll my eyes. "They're gone until next month."

"Where did they go this time?"

"Austria or Australia or Amsterdam. I don't know; I wasn't listening."

"Sorry, Jess. I can't take him."

Sighing, "Yeah, alright."

"Hey, how about asking Mike?"

"Can't. He lives in a shoebox. And plus Adso weighs like, sixty-five pounds. He'll tear his place apart."

"What about that girl that was in our class…what was her name, Beth?"

I make a face. I would really rather keep away from her. "Uh, I don't think so."

"Why? She always seemed to like you."

"Yeah, that's _why_ it's not a good idea to ask her."

"Ah, I get it. Beating them away with a stick, huh?" She teases.

"Shut up."

"Hey, I would have asked you out as well if you weren't dating that blonde thing when I first met you."

"If you break up with your allergy guy, let me know, huh? That way you can take Adso."

"Oh shove it, Mariano."

I smirk.

"I'll let you know if I think of anywhere else. The problem is finding someone with a place big enough. Seriously, you're lucky you have a big apartment. What you really need is some farm to send him to."

"And by farm, you mean put him to sleep? Kill my dog?"

She snickers. "No, I mean a real farm. Or at least some open area. It's not good for him to be cooped up in an apartment all day."

"Alright, just call me if you find someone, okay?"

"Okay."

---

Ring once, ring twice…I take a deep breath and pray that I can leave a message instead.

"Yeah, hello?" His voice booms through the phone.

"Hey, Luke. It's Jess." I'm met with silence and I awkwardly add, "Your nephew."

He pauses. "Jess."

My eyes dart around. "Yeah."

"What do you want?"

"I uh, need to ask a favor of you."

"What?"

"Well, I move the day after tomorrow and I can't take my dog until two weeks from now. I just, haven't quite settled things with the landlord yet."

"And…?"

I sit down. "I was hoping you could take him." I'm quick to add, "Just for two weeks. Maybe even less if I can talk the guy into letting me bring Adso sooner. Really, I just need some place for him to sleep for the time being."

"Can't you just put him in some dog kennel?"

"I've done it before and it didn't work out. Adso freaked out being cooped up, he caught some sort of skin allergy from the other dogs, and he refused to eat practically anything the entire time I was gone. I had to fly home early because the kennel people were saying that they weren't responsible for anything if Adso refused to eat."

"Jess, I don't know if it's a good idea."

"I wouldn't be asking you if it wasn't important. You're literally my last option." There are limits to the pleading I'll do for myself, but when it comes to my dog, there's nothing I wouldn't do for him.

"I know. It's not that I don't want to help you, it's just that…well, the situation is not the best."

Ah. News travels quickly. "You heard." I don't need to specify what.

"Yes."

I nod bitterly. "And now you hate me."

"No…I don't hate you." He pauses. "Jess, I told you. I _warned_ you at Christmas. This girl is like my daughter. And I know you're my nephew, but…"

"You're closer to her. I get it." I sigh.

"Jess, you're still family. And I just don't know what's happening, that's all. No one really does."

"It's…complicated." I pick at the lint on my pants. "Luke, I know I'm asking a lot from you. But, please, I really need this favor."

He sighs and hesitates. "Alright."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. But try and get him early."

"Thank you. Really, thanks, Luke."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Can I bring him down next week? Tuesday?"

"Yeah, that's fine. Around three o'clock or so."

"Thanks, Luke."

---

Adso's tags jingle as he hops down from the passenger side and he trots over to me as I cross the street. His tail wags playfully and he pants with wide eyes and a big smile. I peek through the windows trying to get Luke's attention. He lifts his eyebrows and walks around the counter to open the door.

"Hey Luke."

"Jess." He looks down.

"You remember Adso."

"Yeah. He stayed at Lorelai's last time."

"Yeah."

"You probably want to come up and give me all the stuff he'll need, but it's just…" He looks a little nervous.

"What?"

"It's just that I didn't tell Lorelai about you calling or the fact that I'm watching your dog."

"Oh."

He gestures with his hands. "She's here, Jess. She's been here for about a week."

"What?"

"She's been staying at home."

"Oh. Is she…here now?"

Luke looks entirely uncomfortable with all of this and he shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe. Give me about an hour before you take him up to the apartment. I'll see what I can do."

I glance into the diner and nod. "Sure, okay." I whistle and Adso's ears perk up from ten feet away. Jerking my head to the side, he gets the picture and comes at my call. "I guess…I'll just come back later."

"Okay." Gruffly, he turns and the door shuts behind him.

Sighing, I close my eyes for the briefest of moments and look down to see Ad plop himself down on the diner stoop. "Come on Buddy." It's a cloudy day today with ominous darkness over the horizon. It looks like it might rain by tonight, if not earlier. I briefly contemplate whether or not I should go back to the car to get a leash, but he's being good and staying right by my feet. Crossing the street, there's some people setting up what looks to be a carnival booth in the center of the town, and I avoid the people's questioning looks by ducking my head down. Walking around them, I pass by the modest park and spy the slightly beaten path that leads to the bridge. Having been there once before, I shove my hands in my pockets and let my feet retrace the steps. Adso has taken the opportunity to explore and he trots back and forth, weaving from left to right, sniffing odd bits of bark and rocks.

The wood beneath my feet is muted as I tread to the middle and sit down with my legs dangling off the edge. Adso's nails tinker on the surface and he sits down next to me. I breathe out, letting the full effects of my emotions wash over me. I've distracted myself with packing and preparations for my move, not for once second letting the reality catch up with me. Pushing myself to my limits, I've fallen asleep in my bed these days, utterly exhausted for my brain to think of anything else. But right now, in the quiet and the gentle sloshing of the water, I can't avoid the situation. Biting down hard on my lower lip, I can barely feel it, the pain a welcomed feeling to the numbness I feel inside. A blur of black runs across my vision and I notice that Adso's suddenly picked himself up and run across the bridge. "Ad?"

He's barking wildly, happy and very much like the puppy that he is. Getting to my feet, I'm about to chase after him when I hear a voice. "Adso? What are you doing here?"

Frozen, I stand and wait for the inevitable. She's walking towards me, and Adso gallops back to me. With his tail wagging a mile a minute, he circles the closing space between us and barks when she stops short a couple feet away. "Hey." Her voice comes out crackled and it breaks the moment.

I nod, feeling my defensives going up. I notice that she's casual in jeans and a t-shirt, and instead of feeling the usual tingle within my body, I feel numb. She hurt me and I can't see past that.

"What…" She looks around as if the trees are going to tell her. "What are you doing here?"

"Luke."

"Luke?" She's staying still with her arms jutting out awkwardly from her pockets.

"What? Did you think I was here to see _you_?" I reply with venom on my lips.

I watch her swallow. "Guess not."

Shaking my head bitterly, I look down. "Adso; let's go." I see him reluctantly getting up, but not before going over to her legs to give her a friendly sniff at her shoes. "Now." He concedes and obeys.

"Jess…" Her voice is small like a child's and for some reason it sets me off. I don't like how she's playing the victim when she's the one who ended things.

"Don't." I warn her as I pass by.

Jerking out of her stillness, she follows a few steps. "Jess, wait." Her reaches out for my elbow.

Pulling back, I narrow my eyes at her. "What the hell do you have to say to me? What could you _possibly_ have to say, Rory?"

"Well, I don't know exactly, but…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought." I turn.

"Jess! Stop."

I face her. "Don't worry, I get it. We're over. _Done_."

Her face falls. "That's it?"

I snort. "If you don't remember, _you're_ the one who ended things. So don't give me that innocent Bambi routine and make it about me."

She's getting annoyed. "I'm not giving you any kind of routine."

"Fuck you."

Hands on hips, her voice raises. "Oh, how very mature, Jess. 'Fuck you.' Yeah."

Joining her anger, I speak louder as well. "Don't even get me started about being mature."

"Oh? That's just how it works with you, isn't it? Nothing's your fault. You, with your secrets and your brooding thing, which, by the way, isn't as sexy as you might think."

"And you with your little innocent small-town girl thing? You think that's what guys want? That's what you do isn't it? Pretend you don't know what to do and then when things get tough, you pull away citing that you got scared."

"Hello Pot? This is Kettle. My, how black you're looking today!"

"Give me a break." I roll my eyes. "I'm not the one who insisted that long distance relationships wouldn't work out. I wanted to give it a chance. You're the one who shot it down. You! Not me!"

"And a lot you did to help! Secrets, always so many damn _secrets_! Hiding the fact that you were talking to your ex-girlfriend and even the entire fact that you were moving. Moving, Jess! How could you just pick up and go?"

I sneer. "Excuse me for wanting to do something good for myself. What a fool I was to believe that you would support me."

"You don't want someone to support you. You want someone you can pick up whenever the hell you want and look pretty. You just want to be able to say what you want, when you want, and hide everything else." She taunts me. "I was so stupid to think you could commit. I was an idiot to think you were a good guy who just wanted to be with me for all the right reasons. You were thinking about no one but yourself."

Surprising her, I get right into her face and look down, my jaw set in determination. "Don't _ever_ accuse me of using you. I _never_ treated you with anything but respect."

She stands up taller and refuses to be scared. "Is that before or after you decided to leave the city and chat up your ex's?"

"Susan showing up had nothing to do with me."

"You never said anything!"

"What was I supposed to say? It meant nothing to me."

She snorts. "Yeah, right. That's rich. Your ex-girlfriend comes out of nowhere and confesses her love to you and you expect me to believe that it meant _nothing_?"

"Yes, that's right. Nothing. At that time, I was in love with my girlfriend." I pause and look her up and down just to punctuate the point. "A _mistake_, I will never make again. That's for certain."

I expect her to look hurt, but if she is, her anger's overpowering it. "A mistake? That's what I am to you, isn't it?"

"What? You don't think I know you regret being with me as well?"

"You just don't get it, do you?"

"I get that I wasted almost a year."

And that does it. Her façade is crumbling. "_Wasted_?" She gathers her bearings, and her chest heaves with anger. "You're just afraid of needing someone. Afraid that someone might see just who you truly are and understand that beneath that hard exterior, there isn't anything underneath. No substance."

Muted, but strong, I sneer. "I don't need _you_."

"You made that very clear."

"Ditto." I refuse to let my emotions show. "I can't believe I ever thought we could be together."

She nods. "And I can't believe I ever thought you were good enough."

I scoff and become increasingly nasty. "Good enough for _you_?"

"You're a bastard, Jess Mariano." She backs away. "I regret ever having laid eyes on you."

I watch her retreating figure, and shout, "That makes two of us!" She gives me the finger and I set my jaw. Tightly.

---

"Where the hell have you been?" Luke looks at me as I walk through the diner door. "I told you to come back in an hour."

"Lost track of time."

He looks like he wants to say more but doesn't. Gesturing with his arm he points upstairs behind the curtain. "Take your dog upstairs. People eat down here."

Nodding, I look over my shoulder and see that Adso has taken the opportunity to sit down and request a handout from a little girl eating a burger. "Ad." He looks back and forth from the burger to me, and finally gets up to follow me upstairs.

Opening the door to the apartment, I take in the surroundings and Adso wanders around to do the same. The floorboards squeak, and I feel Luke come up behind me. "Listen, I don't have much time to watch him and all, but he can stay up here. I'll walk him when I can. Did you bring food for him?"

Emotionally drained, I nod. "Yeah. It's in the car. I'll go get it." Adso's following me out and Luke trails our steps as well. Coming to the car, I pop the trunk and pull out a duffel bag complete with Adso's blanket, food, and toys. "Here. Everything you need is in there. A cup of dry food at night. There's some treats and stuff in here as well. He'll sleep anywhere but he's used to my couch. If you don't want him on the furniture, just push him off and he'll get the idea after a couple times. He prefers to walk in the morning, but any time will do. He likes to wander around a lot, but he knows how to come back. The blanket's his. Just give it to him and sometimes he'll carry it around all day."

Luke nods. "Okay."

"This is my phone number, along with the new apartment's address in case something comes up. The vet's number is there too, but I'm sure there's a local one nearby. Just uh, call if you need anything." I glance down and Adso returns my gaze with his big brown eyes and I'm saddened to have to leave him. Petting his head, I ruffle his ears and he whimpers and scoots closer to my legs, as if he knows I'm leaving him off a stranger. "Don't yell at him." I turn to Luke. "He wasn't treated well as a puppy, that's why he was at the pound when I got him. He goes berserk if there's yelling. It's worse when you're yelling _at_ him. So just…don't. If he does something wrong, just tell him 'no.' He knows to stop." Adso's wormed his head between my knees and of all things, or maybe because of what just happened with her, I'm starting to get choked up. My throat feels tight and my chest constricts. Crouching down, I take his expressive face into my hands and smile sadly. "Just…take care of him, okay?" Quietly, "He's all I've got."

Looking up, I squint into the sunlight, but I can make out Luke's sympathetic gaze down at me. "Sure."

"Bye Buddy." Standing, I walk away and Adso tries to follow. I see Luke reach down to hook a finger into his collar to stop him from crossing the street. Looking over my shoulder once more, I nod to Luke. Adso's fidgeting and he barks continuously trying to get my attention. Unlocking the car and getting in, I can still hear his sharp barking.

---

"Hey, it's Ben."

I buzz him in through the intercom and go to open the door. "Hey."

"So, what do you think?" He gestures around.

"It's nice."

His smile is proud and smug. "You're welcome." Walking to the kitchen, he opens to fridge and helps himself to a beer. He pauses and looks surprised that it's only stocked with alcohol, but doesn't say anything. Popping the cap off, he looks at him. "You look like shit, you know that?"

"Yeah, thanks." I scratch my head and lean against the counter. It's been less than a week since I've moved in and the apartment is entirely too quiet to sustain my sanity. My nights are filled with emptiness and anger. "Have you talked to the landlord? Can I bring my dog yet?" I don't add the fact that being without Adso has just made each night that much more lonely.

He swallows. "I'm still working on it. I'll call him again tomorrow."

"If I can't bring him, maybe I should look for another place to live. I can't leave him with my uncle."

"No way. You're not giving up this place. It's amazing. Give me a week. I'll have my dad call in to the guy who owns the building and we'll work something out."

I shake my head. "I don't wanna bother anyone."

"You're not."

I nod and let the subject drop.

"The guys and I are going out tonight. You wanna join?"

"No." I begin to walk away from him and the kitchen.

"Jess, listen…"

"I don't want to talk about it." I dismiss him without even turning around.

Quietly, "Alright." He pauses. "Well, I'm gonna go. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

From inside the bare bedroom, I hear the door click.

---

I hear the phone ring from my place on the couch. Old reruns of _I Dream of Jeannie_ blare through the otherwise silent apartment and I wait for the answering machine to kick in. It beeps.

_It's me. Susan._ I hear her sigh, and I take my eyes off the television. _Listen, I'm…sorry about what happened. I shouldn't have barged in. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll see you around…maybe not. Bye Jess._

For the first time in a long time, I let myself think about Susan in a way I've forgotten. In the midst of all my solitude, I realize that she must feel quite alone as well.

---

I wait, listening to the ringing of the phone.

"Hello?"

"Luke, hi." I sit up on my new bed. "It's Jess."

"Right. Jess."

"How's…Adso?"

"He's okay." I hear shuffling. "Your dog doesn't eat much, does he?"

"It's 'cause he's not home. But he is eating, right?"

He pauses. "Well, yeah. Now he is."

Alarmed, I listen closely. "What do you mean, now he is? He wasn't eating earlier? Why didn't you call me?"

"Look, I took care of it. That's all. He's fine."

"What do you mean, you took care of it?" With only Adso in my life now, I'm crazy protective. "What the hell is going on over there?"

"I took care of it!"

"How?"

"Jess, you don't want to hear it. So just drop it and accept the fact that I took care of the situation and everything's fine. Really. Adso's _fine_."

Voice low, I have a sinking feeling that I shouldn't press any further. But I do. "Luke. Tell me."

He breathes out explosively. "All right! Fine. Yes, Adso wasn't eating when you first left and I didn't know what to do. So, I took him over to Lorelai's because he stayed there last time just to ask her to help me. Rory was there and…"

Frighteningly calm, I grit my teeth. "And what?"

"Adso's with them now. She's taking care of him. Not me."

Angry, I can't control myself. "Luke, my entire life I've asked one thing of you! This was it. I just asked you to watch my dog for me. How can someone fuck that up?"

"Hey!" He's angry now as well. "Don't you _ever_ talk to me about family. I know family. I take care of family. I agreed to take your damn dog even though I knew what was going on between you and Rory. I _warned_ you not to get involved with her. I told you to be careful. And now look what's happened. You're making me choose sides. I cannot choose between family and Lorelai. I can't. I won't. So, don't put me in this position! Rory is like a daughter to me. I watched her grow up. When she got sick, I was there for her and Lorelai. I was there when Rory graduated elementary school, jr. high, and high school. I've seen every birthday since they moved here. And now I have to sit back and watch her go through this hell while I'm still watching your stupid mutt. Don't talk to me about responsibilities and family. You know nothing about it. You're just a kid."

Not having any connection with her except for that brief moment at the bridge is affecting me. And now hearing Luke talk about her brings something entirely too real into the conversation. Defeated and powerless to go on, I just give up. "Okay. That's fine. I'll call you when I can pick him up. From you." I leave the implication clear that I don't want to see her when I get Adso.

"Okay."

I hang up.

---

"Hey, you about finished?" Ben stops by my desk.

Without looking up from my laptop, I reply, "Yeah, almost."

"Well, the guys and I are going out to this new bar. You wanna come?"

"No."

He sits down in front of me. "You can't hide out forever. You've barely left your apartment for anything other than work."

I scowl. "I'm not hiding out. And how do you know? Keeping tabs on me?"

"Jeez. You're grouchy."

I sigh. "Sorry. It's just…"

His posture changes and his voice softens. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Not really."

He shrugs and doesn't take offense. "Could help, you know."

Ben hasn't pried into the technicalities of my situation. He knows that I'm obviously single again, but he has politely refrained from asking anything. Right now, I'm tired of pretending that nothing's wrong. For one moment, I'd like to believe that maybe, just maybe, for once in my life, talking to Ben might actually be an okay idea.

But my stubborn behavior prevents me from uttering a word. He's looking at me without judgment in his eyes, and for some reason, it helps. I start slow, and even that sounds foreign and stupid to my ears. "We broke up."

He nods. "I figured."

"It was really just out of the fucking blue. I didn't see it coming at all."

"Really?"

I jerk my head up at his soft question. "Yes."

He starts slowly, not wanting to anger me. "Didn't you say you had a hard time telling her about the move, and that you felt that maybe she wasn't ready for a serious relationship?"

"But the point is that she said she would try. That _we_ would try." He smiles softly and I don't like it. His expression is meaningful and it really bugs me. Arrogant and irritated, I raise my hand to stop him. "Look, don't even say what you're thinking."

He looks amused. "What am I thinking?"

"Whatever." I wave off the insinuation. "I just don't want to hear that I should have seen it coming, I shouldn't have been surprised, blah, blah. The point is _she_ broke things off with _me_. Not the other way around. I don't need her."

He raises his eyebrow.

"I _don't_."

"Okay." He drops the subject.

But for a second, I allow myself to really absorb the fact that I'm alone. _Alone_. The minutes tick by and we don't say anything. He's not staring at me, and his subtle gaze lingers on other objects in the room. But I don't return the courtesy. "Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

He looks surprised and he picks at his cuticles. "Just haven't found the one who likes long walks on the beach and romantic movies over a bottle of red wine."

I roll my eyes. "Come on. You were the one who wanted to _talk_." I mock him, knowing that I'm being mean.

He matches my eye roll. "Oh, don't give me that James Dean attitude. You're so full of shit sometimes, you know that?"

I'm angry but not enough to take it out on him. He knows he has enough room to be straight with me, even calling me on my attitude. "Just answer the fucking question, will ya?" My words are harsh, but my tone has softened.

"I don't want one." His posture changes and he shifts in his seat. "I don't want the responsibilities of a girlfriend."

"Why?"

"Because."

Still, I press. "Because why?"

He snaps out of his private moment and I see his anxiety melt away with his easy smile. Once again, in a blink of a second, he's back to his charming, carefree self. "Listen. It's just the way it is, all right? Now, come with me and the guys for some drinks and relax."

The moment has fizzled for him but I refuse to let him out of it. "You wanted to say something. I know it. You're holding back."

He looks away. "I'm not joining your pity party."

Dryly, "You're not invited." Licking my lips, I sigh. "Love's shit, isn't it?"

He barks out a laugh that's devoid of humor. "That we can agree on."

"Yeah."

He picks up the phone and holds out the receiver to me. "Why don't you call her?"

And instantly, my gentle mood has soured. "Fuck off."

Not insulted, he places the phone back into its cradle. He looks into my eyes as if trying to convey the strength of what he's about to say. "I never called her. Gwen." He glances down into his folded hands. "When we broke up; I never called her. I was angry and felt justified in my anger. I was…stubborn."

"But you moved on." I state the obvious.

He scoffs. "Yes, of course. It's inevitable. It's reality. Eat or be eaten. I had a job and responsibilities to my company and I just went at it, all pistons firing. I left her behind. Literally."

"You don't need her anyways."

He shakes his head. "You don't get it, do you? You think that having a successful career doing something you like is all that'll make you happy. You think that because I'm doing well, that I don't have regrets. That is what you think, isn't it?"

I blink in response.

He runs his hand through his hair. "You were looking for me to confirm what you did. Tell you that you made the right choice. You wanted me to tell your sorry ass that you didn't just make a big mistake."

Pointing an accusing finger at him, I yell. "Don't think you know what I'm feeling! You have no fucking right! You started all of this. _You_. If it weren't for you I wouldn't even be in New York. I would have never been forced into a decision of leaving." My brain is telling me that I'm being irrational, but the pumping adrenaline just isn't listening.

Calmly, he remains stoic. "Don't pin this on me, Jess. You wanted to come. You _choose_ to come. You made a choice. No one held a gun to your head."

Chided, I drop my intense stare. He's right. I did choose to come. "But I didn't choose to leave her behind."

"No. No, you didn't." He speaks slowly as if talking to a spooked animal. "You're angry. And right now, you're choosing to be angry."

"I have every right to be angry."

He clicks his tongue. "Maybe. But it's blinding you."

"From what?" I rest my head against the back of the chair.

"From the fact that you miss her."

I look back at Ben. "It'll fade." I rub my forehead, feeling the oncoming headache. "It'll go away." I pause. "Right?"

Flippantly, he dismisses my solemn question. "Sure. Of course." Serious again, he breathes out. "But you're going to regret letting it go away."

I clench my jaw. "I just need for it to go away. I don't need her. I was an idiot thinking that we could work out. She's too young." I hesitate. "I'm…too young."

"If that were true, you'd never be interested in her in the first place. She isn't too young and you know it."

Barely hearing him, I start up again. "You're wrong. I don't miss her."

"That's such a fucking lie."

Defenses going up again, I harden. "Don't act like you know me."

He rolls his eyes, unaffected. "Yeah, yeah. You're so distraught. So misunderstood."

"Shut the hell up."

"Oh what? I hit a nerve? You think you're so fucking justified. You think that because she broke up with you it's all right to put all the blame on her. But that's not the truth. Maybe you don't know it right now, but eventually you'll figure it out that you're not so innocent in all of this. Something made her break up with you and it always takes two to make a relationship fail. Two, people. Not one."

I open my mouth to retort, but his words strike a chord within me.

The chair scrapes as he pushes it away and begins to stand. Voice and emotions normal again, he nods down at me. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I stare up at him. "Yeah, tomorrow."

---

The apartment is quiet. Too quiet. Sitting on my bed, I stare at the phone in my hands. Blindly, I find that my fingers are dialing a familiar number.

It's ringing. Once, twice…"Hello?" She sounds tired.

I can't seem to bring myself to say anything.

"Hello?"

My voice cracks, and it sounds hoarse. "It's me."

I hear her sigh. "Hi."

Dumbly, I don't know what to say. "Hi."

She pauses. "What are you doing, Jess?"

"I'm calling you."

"Yes, I'm aware of that. Why?"

"Because, I don't want to be the one who never called."

"What?" She's confused.

I am too. What am I doing? Calling her solely because Ben said he never called his ex-girlfriend? Am I just trying to disprove everything he said to me? "Never mind."

"If you're calling because of Adso, you don't have to worry. He's fine here. And you won't have to see me when you come pick him up."

"That's not why I'm calling." I stall. "But thanks."

"You're welcome." The conversation is falsely polite. We have not forgotten about our last meeting and the tension is thick. "So…how is New York?"

"It's fine."

"And the job?"

"Fine as well."

"Yeah."

We're skirting around the real topic at hand. But I don't feel brave enough to bring it up. And I highly doubt she will initiate it.

"I'm taking summer session. Business ethics."

"Right." I have no fucking clue what we're doing in this conversation.

"It's okay. It's long and meets three times a week. The people are dull. So is the professor. But it keeps me busy." She's rambling and I know she's nervous.

"So, you're…busy." I want to ask how she is, but it comes out in my own twisted version.

"Yeah. Busy." I imagine her picking at her clothes or chewing on her lower lip. "You? You must be busy as well. What with the new job and all."

"Yeah."

Silence is swarming around us. It's closing in on the conversation. Switching the phone to the other ear, I almost miss what she says. "Jess, I just…"

I cut her off. "Don't. Just don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't finish that sentence. You don't mean it and I'm not ready to hear it."

"You have no idea what I was going to say."

I shake my head. "I do know. That's why I don't want you to say it."

"Jess, I never meant—"

"Stop!"

She does. I hear sniffling and I know she's crying. "I didn't want this to happen."

For once, I don't have a sarcastic reply. "I know."

"I miss talking to you."

I swallow and remain silent.

Her voice is thick and it comes out heavy with emotion. "You're not going to say anything are you?" I hear her sigh. "No, I know you won't." She pauses and I think she's trying to gather up her courage. "I'm not going to say I'm sorry. You don't want to hear it and I'm not willing to say it. But…"

I clutch my bedspread.

"Do you miss me?" Instantly, she sputters out a laugh. "No, don't answer that. I don't want to know."

"I, uh…" I want to say something to her. Everything. _You hurt me, Rory. I don't know if we can fix it. I don't know if I even want to try._ "I have to go."

"Yeah." She's shutting down and her tone is short. "I'm sure you do."

I hang up the phone first.

---

She kisses the side of my mouth and I fumble for the zipper of her jeans. Warm hands search the skin of my chest and wet lips find my own. Kissing her harder, I pull her flush against my body, grinding into her. She whimpers and I nudge her back onto the bed. Big doe eyes return my steady gaze and I smile, lingering the back of my fingers on her cheek. Her hands make their way into my boxers and…

I wake up in a rush. Sitting in bed, I realize that it's all just a dream. I'm obviously hard and I flop back down, refusing to let the arousal command my attention. Turning onto my side, I divert my thoughts from soft hair and warm skin to something more mundane. The sun's streaming through my windows and I stare out into the light, letting it momentarily blind my vision. In that extreme glare, I see her face again. Shutting my eyes and engulfing my world into darkness once more, I try to block out her face. In my mind, I reply the one moment that made me doubt my feelings for her.

_I don't love you_.

My erection deflates as I remember those faithful words. Even with that phone call four days ago, I realize that love, or lack thereof, is not enough to make anything work. Right now, I'm remembering my anger and the gaping hole somewhere in my being that I can't shake.

---

"Hello?"

"You're going to love me."

I roll my eyes. "What is it Ben?"

"Jeez, all my hard work and that's the thanks I get. I got the landlord to let you move in your dog."

"It's about time." I smile for the first time since god knows when. "When?"

"Today, if you want."

"Good. Thanks." I'm met with silence and I continue. "I'll drive down now."

"Okay. Bring him by tomorrow. I want to at least meet the dog I went through so much trouble for."

I smirk. "Sure."

"Okay. Tomorrow."

He hangs up.

Scrolling down my phone's address book, I select Luke's number. Waiting, I'm anxious.

"Luke's Diner."

"Luke, it's Jess."

"Hi."

"Hey. I was wondering if I could come get Adso today."

"Uh, sure."

I listen to the hesitation. "What's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you just hesitated. A couple weeks ago you were yelling at me for dumping him on you. Now what? You're too attached?"

"Your mutt? No way. When he's at the diner, he refuses to stay upstairs by himself. He insists on lying down behind the counter while I constantly trip over him every time I go back to grab an order."

I frown. "He hasn't been that much trouble, has he?"

Luke's voice softens. "No, he's not as bad as I made it sound."

"Good." I sigh. "So, today? I want to see him today."

"Well…" Again with the hesitation. "What time were you thinking about?"

"Now." I tilt my head. "Luke, what's going on?"

He doesn't respond right away and I get worried. "I don't have your dog." He blurts out.

"What?"

"Calm down, I didn't mean it that way. I just meant, he's not with me now."

"Oh, that makes me feel a whole lot better."

"He's with…them."

Ah. I don't have to ask whom he's referring to. "They took my dog?"

"It wasn't kidnap. Jeez. They took your dog to some spa, or whatever."

Amused, I question him. "What?"

"Rory read some article in the newspaper about this new dog spa and they took him this morning."

This is the first time Luke has mentioned her name. I assume he's done it by mistake. We've both concentrated on not mentioning her by name, and despite it all, it makes me smile. Though it's a sad smile, I can't help but think about her taking care of Adso. "Do you know when they'll be back?"

"Probably later this afternoon."

"Okay."

"I'll call you."

"Thanks."

---

I close my car's door and hit the lock button on my remote. Crossing the deserted street to the diner, I step through and listen to the friendly bell above the door. Standing taller, I try to get Luke's attention and he motions to the counter. I take a seat.

"You're early."

"There wasn't traffic." I lie. I knew there wouldn't be any traffic. I just want to get my dog. I've missed having someone with me in my empty apartment.

"Well, they're not back yet. You want something to eat?"

I shrug. "Sure, I guess."

"What do you want?"

"Whatever."

He rolls his eyes. "So specific."

Walking away to help other customers, I reach for the menu and flip through. Seeing him come back around the corner, I speak up. "Burger's fine. No cheese."

"Okay."

Five minutes later, a decent sized burger is placed in front of me in silence and I nod in thanks. Taking a bite, I realize that I haven't eaten. Shaking my head, I notice that I've been loosing track of time way too easily these days. I need to get a grip. The door chimes again and I hear the thundering of paws and I turn with an easy smile already on my lips. Adso's charging his way to the counter and the slippery floor is making it hard for him to stop. He collides with my legs and jumps up and down as I chuckle and ruffle his ears. Too excited, he jumps up right into my lap and I almost tumble backwards with my large dog dangling precociously on top of me while I'm perched on a stool. "Hey Buddy." He chirps a friendly acknowledgment and sniffs at my burger briefly before taking a big bite. I look over at Luke who has an odd smile on his face, trying to refrain from saying anything. Getting up, with Adso's four legs suspended between my arms, I get off the stool with him trying to lick my face in happiness. Turning, I see that Rory and her mom have been watching by the door. My smile drops and I set down Adso gently. He scampers over to her legs and sits down with a smile, as if he expects me to greet her like I once used to. I swallow but I don't know what to do.

I watch as Lorelai eases away from her daughter's side, leaving her standing awkwardly by the door with Adso at her legs. She crosses her arms nervously across her stomach. "Hey."

I nod.

"Sorry we're late." She seems to be scrambling for something to say.

"It's all right." Seeing as she's making an effort to be civil, I return her efforts. "Luke said you took him to some spa?"

She smiles and drops her gaze down at him. "Yeah. They gave him a bath and trimmed his nails." Suddenly, she looks alarmed. "Is that okay?"

Quickly, I reassure her. "Yeah, of course. Thanks."

"We had fun, didn't we?"

I feel pained listening to her talk to him like I've heard so many times before. She always used to tuck him into bed at night or on the couch in my apartment. I've heard her read to him or even ask him rhetorical questions about her homework. At the time, it only made me smile at how much she cared about my dog, but now…it makes me remember what I don't have anymore. I bite the inside of my cheek. "I should probably take him home before rush hour hits."

She nods. "Yeah. That's probably a good idea."

A gentle hand rests on my shoulder and I look to find that Luke has suddenly appeared behind me. "His stuff is upstairs if you want to get it."

"Yeah, yeah." I break eye contact with her and turn to walk through the curtain separating the diner from upstairs. Picking up his blanket and other things I've left, I shove them into the duffel and sling it over my shoulder. She's no longer in the diner and neither is Adso. Passing by Luke, I stop. "Thanks. For everything."

He nods. "Sure."

Crossing the street, I see that they're waiting by my car. There's no one else there and the intimacy is overwhelming me right now. I feel like we shouldn't be doing this. She stands up straighter as I approach. "You have everything?" She's asking a useless question.

I answer her anyways. "I think."

"Good."

I hesitate. "How's…your class?" I feel stupid in making small talk but I'm reluctant to leave just yet, even if I feel like being this close to her is about to make me explode in a myriad of emotions.

"Fine." She bobs her head. "Productive, I guess. It's class, what can I say?"

I shrug. "Yeah."

She speaks up. "I'm thinking of trying out for a better position for the school paper in the fall. There's a political reporting column opening, and I thought maybe…"

I nod. "Yeah. That's a good idea."

"You think?" She sounds a little bit like her old self. Back when we…

I smile. "Yeah. I think you'd be good for it."

"I have to get some recommendations for it. Usually you have to be a junior before they consider you, but my journalism professor who's the chair of the department said that sometimes they make exceptions."

"It's been done before. Two years ago. A sophomore wrote that column. And a couple times before that."

"Yeah. I got my journalism professor to write me a recommendation, but he says that I'll still need more."

Before I can censure myself, my mouth runs away from me. "I can do it." I pause, feeling the blood rushing to my face. Not one to normally blush, this is a new experience for me. "I mean, if you want. I wrote that same column when I was a sophomore."

She furrows her brows. "You did? How come I never knew that?"

I smile softly. "It was a long time ago during the spring semester of my sophomore year. I didn't really like it. Too competitive. But you'd fit right in."

She smiles sadly as well. "Yeah, thanks. I'd really appreciate it."

"Sure. No problem."

She tucks her hands into the front pockets of her jeans. "You settling into your new place?"

I shrug. "Guess so. It's pretty big. I think Ad'll like it."

"I'm sure he will." She bites her lip. "Work good as well?"

I lower my eyes. "It is. Adjusting, but good."

Softly, she replies. "Yeah." She leans a fraction closer to my body and whispers. "This has been nice. Talking to you again."

I nod.

"I still want to be able to talk to you."

The moment crackles and instantly it's gone from us. "Is this your 'let's be friends' talk?"

Eyes snap up at me. "Maybe. You make it sound ridiculous."

"That's because it is ridiculous."

"So you're saying that just because we don't sleep together anymore, we can't be friends?"

I swallow the lump of anger in my throat and my voice comes out sharp. "I don't know how to be your friend, Rory!"

"Oh." Her mouth forms a perfect circle. "We were friends before."

I shake my head at her naïve response. "No, we weren't. We were circling each other for months, but we weren't really friends. We were friends during. But not before."

"So, we can't be friends." Why is she reiterating the same fact again?

"No." Seeing her disappointed expression, I add softly, "Not yet."

"But later?"

"I don't know." I shove my hands into my pockets to squash the urge to take her into my arms. "You broke up with me." There it is, finally out into the open. Said without yelling, and still so important. A sentence we both have been avoiding.

"Yes."

"I…" I run my hands over my face, trying to gasp some sense of the situation. "I'm still angry."

"I know." She nods with her head down.

"I don't forgive you."

She looks up with a passive expression. "I don't regret it."

I wince. "I know."

"I miss you. But I still think it's right."

My eyes are dull. Not knowing what else to say, I restate, "I still don't forgive you."

"I don't expect you to." Listening to her answers, I would have never known she was younger. Ben was right; age isn't a factor. It's something else. Something I don't know yet.

"I better go."

"I guess this is goodbye, then."

"Suppose so."

She steps back. "Drive safe."

I whistle for Adso. He comes over and sits down between the two of us. Opening the car door for him, I motion for him to get in. He doesn't move. "Ad, up." He whimpers and rears up on his hind legs to stand with his paws on her thighs. I sigh.

She squats down and takes his face into her hands. "I'll see you later, Baby."

I look down at the sound of that word. The connection to that word makes me ache. "Adso, please. Get in the car." There's an edge to my voice and he obeys without another sound. Shutting the door behind him, I turn to her. "Bye Rory."

"Bye Jess."

Getting into the car, I roll down the window for Adso and he sticks out his head to bark at her. She's standing with her arms awkwardly at her side as I put the car into gear. Adso doesn't make another noise and sits down with his head down on my forearm. "I'm sorry Buddy. I know you like her." He whimpers. "But we won't see her again."

---

**AN:** Please Review.


	18. Bygones

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 18: Bygones

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Nothing.

**AN:** So, I wasn't really planning on posting quite this soon…but semester just ended and just thought I'd celebrate with the rest of you. So enjoy and I'll try to write some more before summer session begins in two weeks.

Lovely Hallon…thanks you as always.

Please note the fact that we've jumped forward in time

Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when they discover each other? Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors. AU.

---

It's been six months and it feels like a new beginning. Winter's approaching again and the wind is picking up around me. Sitting on this cold park bench lets me have time to think. I see Adso running around, sniffing at the other dogs. It's our routine. After work, while it's still light, I take him out for a walk and we always end up here at the park. That way I can relax and he can wander around without his leash while I know it's safe. He enjoys it and I like not having to constantly walk around the sidewalks of a city that doesn't have enough grass for him to run on. The dog park isn't so crowded at this time of day. I never bring a book. I just watch him and let my thoughts wander.

I smirk seeing him go up to a smaller dog and bark a friendly greeting. The tiny Chihuahua yelps up at him and Adso's tail droops as he begins to back away. I whistle to him and he scampers back to me. Ducking between my knees, his wet nose is the only visible part of him as he crouches under the bench. Reaching underneath to scratch his ears, I chuckle. "You don't have to be friendly to everyone, you know. Don't take that shit from those smaller dogs." He sneezes and sets his head down on my left shoe.

"Hi, is this seat taken?"

I look up to see a pretty blonde smiling. I shake my head and scoot down the bench. "No, go ahead."

She smiles and takes a seat besides me. "I'm Jean."

I nod but make no movement to offer my hand to shake. "Nice to meet you."

"Is he yours?" She gestures to Ad who's finally come out from under the bench. He curls his body into a ball, lying half on my feet, half on the dry grass.

"Yeah." She reaches out to Adso and he backs away, tucking his body between my open knees. He's none too happy about the stranger and makes a noise in the back of this throat that sounds like a premise to a growl. I roll my eyes and make a face at him. "Sorry about that. The friendly thing comes and goes for him."

She smiles. "It's all right. I don't think he likes to share you."

I grin. "No. He's a stubborn dog."

"Mine's the lab over there. The golden one."

I following her pointing finger to see a light Labrador digging at the dirt. It's so light I'd barely considered it golden.

"Lady!"

The dog comes over and Adso instantly goes out to greet her, but immediately returns to my legs after their brief introduction. They're identical opposites. They're about the same height, though Adso looks a bit scrawny in comparison, but their coats are night and day. Adso's so dark he could be the other dog's shadow.

"This is Lady."

I nod down. "Adso."

"It's nice to meet you." Adso's sniffing the other dog and Lady appears to be happy to accommodate him. "So, you come here a lot?"

I don't move my head but my gaze travels sideways. Narrowing my eyes, I see that she's smiling. I'm not so out of practice to realize that she's flirting with me. "Yeah. Pretty much everyday."

"Me too. That's weird. I've never seen you before."

"Huh."

"So, what do you do?"

"Publishing."

"Magazines?"

I sit back on the bench. "Books. It's a small company." Adso nudges my leg with a ratty old tennis ball in his mouth, and I throw it out into the park without missing a beat. A flash of black runs by as he chases his ball.

She matches my posture. "You like to read?"

"Yeah."

She looks like she's searching for something to talk about. "Adso. That's an interesting name."

"It comes from a book."

"Why am I not surprised?" She looks over at me flirtatiously and it stirs something within me. It's been a while since I've had anyone look at me like that.

"_The Name of the Rose_. You heard of it?"

"Not really." She looks a little embarrassed and blushes a pretty pink. "Sorry, not a big reader."

I smile and try to make her feel more at ease. "It's good. You should pick it up sometime."

"Maybe I will." She pauses but keeps her eyes forward on the dogs. "So, what else do you like to do, besides read?"

I shrug and glance over at her. Average height, shoulder length blonde hair, strong cheekbones, and athletic body. "Not much. I'm pretty boring."

She turns and laughs. "That's new. I've never met a guy who openly admitted to being boring." She nods. "I like it."

I smirk and return her flirty behavior. "I have no problem being boring. It's actually pretty exciting to tell people that I don't do much."

She laughs at that statement. "Well, I think it's refreshing."

"What do you do?"

"I work at a PR firm downtown."

"Sounds interesting."

"It's all right. Lots of press releases and boring parties that are mandatory. Tomorrow I have this one for the opening of a gallery. I like art, but not enough to spend my Friday night on it."

I nod.

"But it should be pretty good. Open bar."

"Always a plus. Nothing says professional like getting drunk at a work function."

She giggles. "Exactly." She looks away.

Adso's come back, panting and out of breath from running around. Petting his head, he jumps up and sits in the empty space besides me. "Tired?" He licks my face in response. Getting up, he begins to stand precariously. "Come on, let's go home."

She stands as well. "Listen, the party's in Soho. You wanna come?"

Caught off guard, I bite my lip and stick my hands into my pockets. Fingering my keys, I falter.

"Um…"

"Open bar." She says it in a playful tone of voice.

I smile. "Thanks, but I don't think so."

"Oh." She looks down.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She smiles. "Don't worry about it."

I bob my head.

"Maybe I'll see you around sometime?"

"Yeah, maybe." I bend down to hook Adso's leash and tug gently as I nudge him back onto the ground.

---

"What? 'Thanks, but I don't think so?' What the hell is that?" Ben mocks me from across my desk.

I roll my eyes. "She wasn't my type."

"Was she a woman?"

"Yeah."

"Then what was wrong with her?"

I shake his comment off. "Shut up. Why did I even tell you?"

"Jess, it's been half a year. Almost. It's time to get back into the game."

"I'm busy."

"Yeah, so busy. You work all day, you come out with me and the guys maybe once on the weekends, but that's it. And I know you're not doing anything else."

"Oh?" I raise my eyebrow. "You're so sure?"

"Yes." He sighs dramatically. "You can be so grouchy sometimes. Maybe you don't need a girlfriend, but you at least need to get some ass."

I glare at him. "I'm fine."

"You are not." He points an accusing finger. "Jess, how long as it been?"

Incredulous, I shake my head. "I'm not having this conversation with you."

"I knew it. You haven't been with anyone." He politely leaves off the end of the sentence: _since her_.

I don't confirm nor deny his statement. "I'm not looking for anyone right now. There's no rush."

"Jess…" He speaks softly. "I thought you were over her."

My eyes are eagle sharp. "I _am_."

"Then what are you waiting around for?"

"Nothing."

"Exactly. So the next time some girl hits on you at the dog park, or wherever, take her up on the offer."

"Just get out, will ya?"

"Fine. But we're going to a bar this Friday and you're coming. No questions asked."

"Excuse me?"

"That's right. You heard me. Come, or you're fired."

"You're shitting me."

He shakes his head from the doorway. "Nope."

I run my hand through my messy hair. "This isn't happening."

"You're coming. End of story. And please make an effort to put on something nice, okay?"

I flip him off. He chuckles and closes the door behind him.

---

"Hello?"

"Jess, it's Mom."

I pick up my tea. "What's up?"

"How are you?"

"Okay. How's Dad?"

"Away on business again. Canada."

"Hm. What do you want, Mom?"

I hear rustling. "Can't a mother call her son without motive?"

"Sure. But you want something. I can tell by your tone of voice."

She laughs. "You're such a smart ass. Yes, I do want something. I want to have dinner with my family."

"Oh." I gulp down my Oolong tea. "That's fine. I can drive over this weekend."

"That was easy."

"Yeah, I'm a good boy." I don't add the fact that I'd do anything to get out of going with Ben and the guys.

"Why don't you just spend the weekend at the house? Come down Friday?"

"Yeah, sure. Why the hell not?"

"Language, Dear."

I roll my eyes. "Mom, I'm a grown man."

"You'll always be my little Jessie."

"Oh, jeez. Don't say that ever again."

She laughs.

"I'll see you Friday then."

"Okay."

---

I shut my car door and walk the short distance up the driveway. Adjusting my messenger bag on my shoulder, I ring the doorbell. Mom appears dressed up. "Hi Honey."

"Are we going somewhere nice? I thought we were eating at home."

"Oh, no. We're going out. Do you have a dress shirt with you?"

I look down at my Metallica t-shirt. "I guess. But I'm not putting on a tie."

She sighs. "All right. Go upstairs and change. Your dad is in his study." She rolls her eyes.

I chuckle. Turning around the corner, I knock once and open the door before he answers. "Hey Dad. Hard at work, yeah?"

He smirks. "Get in here, and let me kick your ass."

Sitting down on the floor, I pick up the other controller and set the video game back to the menu screen to add another player. "So, what's up with tonight? Mom suddenly miss me?"

Dad's eyes are glued to the flat screen and shrugs. "No idea. I was only told to be ready by eight. And I still have…" He glances over at the wall clock. "Seven minutes." He looks over at me. "Hey, you going to change your clothes?"

"Yeah, yeah. I have a button down shirt in my bag. Jeez."

"Hey, I could care less. You know that. I just don't want to hear your mother all night about how you wore a shirt with a bloody skull to dinner."

My figure on the screen dies in a fiery mess. "Fuck."

Dad cackles behind me. "Sucker."

"Damn it." I make a face. I glance over my shoulder. "It's sad that you win every single time."

"For you, or for me?"

"You. How many hours do you spend playing this thing?"

He smirks. "That's confidential."

I snicker. "Yeah, that's what I thought. And here I was accusing Mom of exaggerating when she said you lived in the den. But it's true, isn't it? You spend all your free time in here."

"When did you become the parent? I'm still your father." He leers. "Your father who just gave you a beating in a video game."

I open my mouth in reply when the door opens. "Jess, are you in here?" Mom peeks her head around. "Jess Warren Mariano, get dressed now! We have to leave in two minutes."

"Okay, Mom. Calm down."

"Jimmy! Would you please behave like a normal adult?"

Dad laughs. "Don't be mad, Babe. You can kick my ass tonight. I promise."

Mom tries to suppress her smile but is unsuccessful. Instead, she closes the door behind her. I look at him in disgust. "Gross, Dad."

He shrugs and pretends like nothing happened.

---

Fastening up the last button on my shirt, I run a hand through my hair. At the bottom of the stairs, Dad is leaning on the post. I stop on the last step. "We taking your car?"

He looks up at me. "Yeah, we'll take it. Lizzie, you ready?"

I smile but turn to hide it. Only my dad has ever gotten away with calling Elizabeth Danes-Mariano, 'Lizzie.' She doesn't let anyone else say it, because it's sort of my dad's nickname for her. Rarely does he call her 'Lizzie' in public. It's something he reserves for the privacy of our own home. "Yeah, I'm coming. All set?" She smoothes down the front of my shirt. "You look nice."

I smirk. "Thank you, Mother."

"Jimmy, do you have your keys?"

"Right here."

"Okay."

Climbing into the back of my dad's SUV, I feel very much like a kid who's out to dinner with his parents with nothing else to do on a Friday night. Sighing, I just roll down my window to let the breeze in. "So Jess, how's work?"

"It's fine Mom."

It sounds like she wants to say something else, but she falls silent instead. Dad has turned the radio to a classic rock station and we just listen in silence. Seeing the blur of outside cars go by, I speak up from the back. "Where are we going?"

"That Italian place we always go to."

"Oh."

"Jimmy, pull up to the valet." She points at the teenager standing by the curb. "I don't want to be late."

"Valet?" Dad whines. "But I hate having those kids in my car. They always pull the seat way up."

"Jimmy, just do it. We're five minutes late already."

"Mom, what's the big deal? I'm sure being five or ten minutes late won't cancel our reservation."

"It's impolite to have your guests arrive before you do."

"Wait, what?" I lean forward. "Guests?"

"Yes, I invited Luke."

I raise my voice. "You _what_?"

She turns around with a genuinely confused expression. "What's the matter? I said family dinner. I wanted to have dinner with my _family_."

"I thought you meant me, you, and Dad. Not Luke."

"What's the big deal, Honey?"

"Liz," Dad interjects. "You remember that Jess is no longer seeing Rory, right?" He's gentle, though his words are slightly condescending.

"Yes, I remember." She waves off the remark. "What does that have to do with it?"

"Dear," Dad stresses the endearment. "Luke is seeing Lorelai. Lorelai is Rory's mother."

"So?"

I watch the conversation bounce back and forth like a tennis match. "Well, Jess probably isn't comfortable seeing Luke."

"Nonsense. It's not like she'll be at the dinner. Only Luke." She turns and assures me. "Just Luke."

I huff and sit back, knowing that I'll be miserable by the end of the evening. Luke will probably be giving me the evil eye all night. Even though it's been almost half a year, I doubt he'll be too chummy with me tonight. "Does he know I'm coming?"

"I don't think so."

Dryly, I retort. "Great."

---

Mom and Dad are following the hostess with me bringing up the rear with a scowl. As if adding insult to injury, not only do I find Luke with a sour expression, but I also find Rory and her mother sitting down as well. Suddenly I'm not an adult, I'm a child who hasn't gotten his way. Roughly taking Dad's elbow, I tug. "What the _fuck_?"

He looks sheepish. "Sorry, Son."

Coming into their line of sight, she looks up and meets my eyes. They widen and she gets up right away. "I have to go to the bathroom."

"Rory?" Lorelai looks confused but it doesn't last as she sees me.

Ducking away from my parents, I don't think. I just follow her. Her steps quicken and she's almost into the women's bathroom when I reach out for the door to stop her. "Wait. Stop."

In a flurry, her words spill out. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were here. I didn't even know we were meeting your parents for dinner. Luke just asked Mom to come with him and then she asked me to go with her, and I had no idea…really. I just found out a minute ago that your parents were coming and Luke said that your mom didn't mention you. Not that I was asking, just…"

Amused, I nod along. "Is that so?"

Taking a deep breath, she stops. "I'm rambling."

"It seems like it."

"Sorry."

I smile down at her and we both notice that my arm's still blocking her way, too close. I'm almost touching her. Almost, but not really. I recoil and she backs up at the same time. I clear my throat in nervousness. This is the first time we've seen each other in six months. I never thought I'd really see her again. This has completely thrown me for a loop. When I'm caught off guard, sometimes I don't have a censor on my words. I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. "You grew your hair out."

She looks taken aback. "Yeah."

"It's nice." I immediately wince. What the hell am I _saying_?

"Oh, thanks." She glances approvingly at my clothes. "You look…"

I smirk. "Yeah. Mom made me change."

She smiles. "Well, it suits you."

I shrug. "I feel stupid." I don't add the obvious that the feeling isn't connected solely to my clothes. I'm like a blubbering idiot.

"Well, you look good."

I take the time to check her out. Flimsy blue dress that dips low in the front, hair slightly curled at the ends, feet unmistakably out of place in a pair of low top Chucks. I chuckle. "Nice shoes."

She tilts one foot and looks shy. "I didn't have any nice shoes at home. Mom's feet are a little bit bigger than mine, so I couldn't borrow any. I was hoping no one would notice."

I nod. Nervously, I tug my fingers through my hair. "Happy Birthday."

She grins. "Huh?"

"About a month ago? Your birthday?"

Her eyes twinkle. "Yeah, you remembered."

"Of course." I tuck my hands into my pockets. "Go wild on the celebration?"

She shakes her head. "Nah. Not really. Just had a night with Mom. Movies, cake. The usual. It was nice."

"Yeah, I bet."

She shifts from side to side and glances back in the general direction of the table. "Maybe we should go back?"

I gesture to the women's restroom. "Don't you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Um, yeah." She ducks around my arm. For some reason, I don't move. Waiting for a couple of minutes I see the door swish open and her surprised expression. "Oh."

I don't explain the reason why I waited. "You ready?"

"Yeah."

It's weird walking side by side and not reaching for her hand. Even though I haven't thought about touching her specifically for some time now, I can't help but wonder what it would feel like right now? Is she warm or cold? Is her palm sweaty like mine are now? Would I still be able to feel her pulse at the base of her wrist? I remember a time where I use to stroke her pulse with the pad of my thumb. I almost reach out to pull back her chair, but I resist the temptation. Taking my place across from her, I avoid the others knowing looks at us.

Dad speaks up. "We've already ordered."

"Okay."

The waiter reappears. "What can I get you, Sir?"

"Uh, the linguini with the chicken."

He turns to her. "And for you?"

She glances at the menu, clearly not ready. "Same."

I avoid her eyes and I'm sure she's doing it as well. No one's speaking and I fidget, bouncing my leg up and down until Dad reaches over and places his hand briefly on my leg. He smiles, trying to calm me down. He looks around at the silent faces and speaks up. "So, Rory. What have you been up to?"

I narrow my eyes and glance up sharply at Dad. I know he asked just because he thinks I want to know. I glare at him, but am secretly thankful because I'm too afraid to ask her myself at this point. She starts at being addressed suddenly. "Oh, um…nothing much. Just school."

"Well, how's that going?" Mom gives him a weird look. Dad speaking up so much is out of place. I roll my eyes at his continued line of questioning for my benefit.

"It's fine. At least this time I know what to expect. Sorta."

"You still in the dorms?"

I whisper, "Dad."

He ignores me and looks expectantly at her to answer. She speaks softly. "Yeah, still there. Same roommate." I see her glance over in my direction. "I got a new position at the school paper." I look up to see her pointed remark. "I write for the political column."

I smile softly and she returns my gesture.

"That's nice." Dad looks over to Luke and Lorelai. "How's your inn, Lorelai? Were you able to fix the plumbing like you mentioned the last time we were there?"

The conversation picks up and the food arrives. I watch her pick at her food, and I stare at her more than I eat. I'm suddenly not so hungry anymore.

---

The adults are chatting off in the corner as the valet brings around Dad's car. Left with a seemingly air of privacy, I usher her by the small of her back. Brief contact, but it's enough to make my fingers tingle. "Hey, you okay?"

"I guess." She falters. "You?"

I shrug and echo both her statement and posture. "I guess."

She smirks. "Unexpected night, wasn't it?"

"Yeah." I take in the sight of her in the dim lighting. "Congratulations on the paper."

"Oh, thanks." She tucks her hair behind her left ear. "Yeah, I love it. Paris kinda gives me the evil eye once in a while…she wanted the position too. But you were right, I do enjoy it."

"Good. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks." She beams up at my open expression. "Are you—" The ringing of her cell phone interrupts us. "Sorry. Hold on." She pulls it out and answers without looking. I make no movement to give her space while she speaks. "Hello?" She quickly glances up at me. I return her gaze with curiosity. "Yeah, I'm done. Um, sure. Yeah, that'll be fine." I strain my ears and can distinctly hear a male voice. My toes curl in my sneakers at the thought of another guy. I know we're not together but I still don't feel comfortable. "Okay. Yeah, I'll meet you there." She shuts off the phone and looks apologetic at me. "Sorry about that."

My face is emotionless. My walls are going up. "It's okay." My voice is casual, but it's heavy in implication. "Date?"

She looks stunned that I would ask. "Kinda."

I nod and contemplate my shoes. "Right."

"It's nothing—"

I cut her off. "Good luck with school."

She appears hurt. "Yeah, thanks. Good luck with your job."

I step aside. "Night." Joining my parents, I climb into Dad's car.

---

"You sure you don't want to stay the night, Jess?"

"Yeah, I have to get going. I couldn't get anyone to watch Adso. Plus, I just…"

Dad understands. "Yeah."

Stepping into him for a quick hug, I pull back. "Thanks Dad. For tonight, when you—"

"No problem." He pats my back. "Be careful. Call us when you get home."

I try to resist rolling my eyes. Guess the saying about no matter how old you are you'll always be your parent's little kid holds true. "Okay." I unlock the driver side door.

Pulling out of the driveway, I nod as Mom waves to me from the front porch. Turning onto the interstate, I stretch my fingers to turn off the radio. For once, I rather just think than listen to music. Tonight has been…unexpected? Crazy? What? I don't even think I know how to describe it. The phone's vibrating against in my pocket and I shift in my seat to pull it out. "Jess here."

"Hey." Her soft voice floats into my ear.

"Hi."

"Is it okay that I'm calling?"

I don't know how I honestly feel about that question. "Yeah."

"I wasn't sure if you wanted to talk to me or not."

"Rory, it's not like that. Honestly." Seeing a nearby exit, I get off the highway and pull into the first fast food parking lot. Putting the car into park, I shut off the engine to concentrate on her voice.

"Well, the last time we talked—"

"I was angry."

"You had a right to be."

"Yeah, but I wasn't thinking straight."

"Can we talk, now? I mean, we didn't get a chance to talk at dinner. You free?"

I settle into my seat. "Sure."

"Are you home already? Or are you staying with your parents?"

"No, I'm driving home now."

"Oh, do you want me to call you later?"

"No, now's fine. I pulled over."

"Oh." She takes a breath. "How's Adso?"

It's predictable that we start of a safe neutral topic such as him. "He's good."

"Adjusting to the new surroundings?"

"There's a dog park around the corner from the apartment. We go there as much as we can. He likes it."

"He left a chew toy at my mom's house the last time he was there. The rubber tire."

"I didn't notice."

"I could send it to you, if you want."

"Uh, okay."

She's moving around; I can hear her over the phone. "What does he do during the day?"

I smirk at her concern. "He stays in the apartment. Sometimes I bring him with me to work. The guys are cool about it. Since it's only the five of us there's nothing to worry about."

"That's nice."

"Yeah." I scratch behind my ear in nervousness. "I thought you had something to do tonight." I can't seem to bring myself to say the word 'date.'

"No." She doesn't elaborate.

"Huh."

"Are you going home to," she hesitates. "I mean, do you have plans tonight?"

I see through her feeble attempts to be nonchalant. "No, just going home to Ad."

"Right."

"It's just me. Really. Nothing serious. I mean…" She trails off.

"Rory." I pause. "It's okay." I clench my jaw. "It's been six months. I mean, you don't have to hide the fact that you're seeing somebody."

If we were face to face, I imagine her face would be set in a grimace. "I know. But I'm not. Not really." I hear her suck in a breath. "You're not hiding, right?"

"No I'm not."

"So there is someone?"

"No, I didn't say that."

"Oh, right."

The conversation stalls and I run my hands idly across the dashboard of my car. "You still there?"

"Yeah." Her reply is subdued.

Speaking over the phone gives me a bit of comfort in the fact that I don't have to see her actual response. "I'm glad you called."

"Yeah?" Her response sounds slightly hopeful.

I assure her. "Yeah."

"I wanted to call you a while ago. I was looking for my copy of _Pride and Prejudice_ and thought that maybe I left it at your place."

"Maybe." I don't add the fact that I have all her stuff in a box in the back of my closet. I haven't once opened it too look inside after that night I angrily threw everything in.

Our responses die down again. Her voice jolts me out of my thoughts. "You seem happy. Tonight, I mean. You seemed…good."

"Uh, thanks." I don't know what to make of that observation.

We're quiet again and it's getting awkward. "I guess I'll let you go." Her voice is an odd combination of fake enthusiasm and reluctance.

"Yeah, okay."

"Drive safely."

"Goodnight, Rory." I hang up the phone and toss it into my cup holder in the center console. Leaning back into the headrest, I close my eyes for a brief moment before composing my emotions and starting the car. Putting the car into reverse, I sigh and flip back on the radio, pushing the button for the cd player.

---

I don't bother turning on the light as I enter the apartment. Dropping my keys, cell phone, and wallet onto the kitchen counter I briefly ignore Ad as he hops off of the couch to come greet me. Rolling over and baring his belly for me to scratch, I bend down and concentrate on him for a moment. He runs off into the bedroom and returns, dragging his blanket between his teeth, signaling that he's ready for bed. I smile and turn to make sure the door is locked.

It's been a long night and I'm glad that I decided to come home after all.

Shutting off the bathroom light, I drop my jeans and shirt into the hamper and slowly crawl into bed. Adso pokes his head out from under the covers and flops down onto the other pillow. Turning, I ask, "You comfortable enough?" Shaking my head, I can't believe how much I let this dog get away with. He whimpers and I look up at the ceiling. "You'd never guess who I ran into tonight." I feel him getting over the covers and shaking out his body. Lifting my head up, I see him circle around several times before depositing himself at the foot of the bed. When he was a puppy he would always sleep next to me, but when Rory had begun to spend increasingly more nights with us, there was only room for him at the foot of the bed or the couch. Even after six months, he's still in the habit of getting out from beneath the covers.

I sigh.

---

Things have set into a pattern. I go to work, sometimes with Adso, and go home again at night. It isn't much, I must admit, but I do enjoy it. I like the predictability of my week, knowing exactly where I'm going to be everyday. I like the routine.

"We're picking up the food." I hear Tim shout from across the room.

Ben waves him away. "Yeah, thanks."

"Come on Buddy, let's go." Scott pats his thighs, trying to get Adso's attention.

Ad lifts his head from under my chair and looks up at me, almost in question. I shrug. "Go." He gets up with a wagging tail and Nate hooks on his leash.

"Hey, make sure you get extra sauce for me!" Ben gets up to pull some money out of his wallet while rushing to catch up with the guys.

---

"Dude, your dog is a chick magnet!"

I look up to see Nate and Scott comes in as Tim leads Adso by the leash. He jumps up happily onto my lap, licking my face, and I scratch behind his ears. "Hey."

"Seriously." Scott plops down into the chair. "We were walking him on our way to get our take out, which by the way, Dude, I think they might have screwed up your order. Sorry."

I rustle through the bags and wrinkle my forehead seeing a container of pork instead of chicken. "Damn. Did they at least give it to you for free?"

Tim rolls his eyes. "Well, I _was_ in the middle of asking, but this one…" He elbows Nate. "Was too busy flirting with the checkout girl."

"Hey, did you see the ass on that girl?"

I snicker. "Well, if I have to pay for a wrong order, did you at least get a date?"

Nate shrugs. "No. She has a boyfriend."

Scott chuckles. "Yeah, right. Boyfriend."

"Anyways, like I was saying, your dog—Genius! We were walking back and he stopped to do, whatever. This pack of college girls were like, sucked into him. They were gushing and all that crap. Adso just took it all in and let them pet him."

I raise my eyebrows. "Are you using my dog to pick up girls?"

Tim smirks. "He's a goldmine. It's like a guy with a baby only your dog is even cuter than some babies."

I pet Adso as he settles himself by my feet. "Maybe you guys shouldn't walk him anymore."

"Hey, no. You can't do that to us." Scott begins to protest.

Nate chimes in. "You can't take him away from us."

"Yeah." Tim looks down at Adso. "You love us, don't you Buddy?" Ad barks, but doesn't make an effort to move.

Smirking, I shake my head.

---

The rain is freezing, curling my hair into tendrils that plaster to the back of my neck. Running a hand I slick back my thoroughly soaked hair. How the hell was I supposed to know that we were getting rain today? Adso is shaking his entire body, drenching everything inside the elevator as we approach the apartment. I groan. "Ad, no."

He doesn't listen. Instead he plops his bottom down to use a hind leg to scratch behind his ear. He's muddy as hell and getting increasingly dirty by the second. However impossible the notion seems. I took off work early to take him to the park and we ended up getting caught in the unexpected rainstorm instead. I shake my head at the horribly slow elevator. As it dings on level three, I stand off to the side to admit another passenger. She gives me a dirty look at she spies me standing there, clutching a muddy leather leash with an equally muddy dog who's now crouching between my legs at the sight of a stranger. I'm soaked to the bone and I shake my leg to try to distract myself. The doors finally slide open to our floor, and I step through, Adso tugging me behind him. Unlocking the door, I unhook his leash but grab onto his collar before he has the chance to charge off into my bedroom and pounce all over the bed. Holding onto him with one hand, I peel off my wet t-shirt with one arm, dropping it on the floor. He's squirming against me and I walk stooped down, keeping a firm grip on him. "Don't you dare move." I warn him.

He's misbehaving, purposely not listening to me as he continues to try to worm his way out of my grip. Frustrated, I bend down to pick him up between my arms, now muddying up my chest as well as my wet jeans that are clinging to me uncomfortably. Kicking closed the bathroom door behind us I deposit him into the tub and turn on the water to warm. He barks wildly at me, signaling his discomfort loudly. "Ad, stop it." He ignores me and continues to bark. I ignore him as well, getting onto the floor, kneeling outside of the tub to rinse off all the dirt and grim out of his fur. He's trampling in place at the water, splashing all over us. Whimpering as I continue to wash him, I almost slip into the tub. Shooting him an angry glare, he stops and stays silent as I finish. Not bothering to grab another towel, I take my own off the rack and wrap his body into. Doing my best to dry him off, I release him and wait for him to shake off the rest. Sighing, I know this is as best as I can clean him. "All right. Get outta here." I open the door and he charges out of the bathroom and into the living room, lying down on the couch to lick his paws.

I rifle through my dresser for a clean towel. Removing my jeans and boxers, I step into the shower, and turn the water on full blast. Scrubbing quickly, I finish in the shower and towel myself dry. Wrapping it around my waist, I enter my bedroom in search for clean dry clothes. I vaguely hear my cell phone ring and I turn to the nightstand but find that I must have left it in the kitchen from last night. Shaking my head, I ignore the ringing, knowing that the voicemail will pick it up anyways. I pick up my dark blue boxers but forego it for the black ones instead. I hear Ad's nails tinker into the room and to my vast amusement he has the phone securely between his teeth. He walks right up to me, nudging me to take it. I do. "Where the hell did you learn how to do that?" I laugh. "The guys at work, no doubt, yeah?" Those losers have been wasting their time at work teaching Adso all sorts of off the wall tricks. Just yesterday they spent an hour trying to get him to roll over. Adso just watched with a curious expression for most of the time, refusing to even lay down. I reach down to pet him and he smiles and snuggles into my legs as I sit down on the bed. Scratching his head, I answer. "Yes; Hello?"

"Oh." The caller is surprised. "Jess. Hi."

I stiffen but refrain from letting an edge cloud my voice. "Susan. Hi."

She breathes into the phone. "Hi."

Despite it all, I chuckle. "I think we've covered that."

"Yeah." She laughs. "I left a message for you a while ago."

"I got it." I don't elaborate.

She chuckles again, only this time I can tell it's directed at her. "I should learn to take a hint, shouldn't I?"

I grin at her self-deprecation. "Yeah, probably." She was always good at that; and it never failed to bring a smile to my face. I like people who are able to see their own faults and joke about it.

"God, when did I become one of those whiny annoying girls?"

I chuckle. "You were always one of those girls. You just didn't know it."

"Oh yeah?" I can imagine her rising to the challenge. "Why did you ever put up with it?"

"It was cute. It wasn't ever too annoying. You quit before you went full on bitch."

She laughs, a deep rumble in her throat. "Well, that's good. I think." Her laughter dies and so does the brief exchange of wit.

I hesitate. "What are you calling about, Susan?"

"I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry." She stops and then regains her voice. "I mean it. I know you probably think I'm lying or something. But…" She takes a deep breath. "I am. If I ever knew you were in a relationship, I sure as hell wouldn't have come all the way down. Really."

I take a deep breath and admit to her the truth. "I know. And I'm…sorry I didn't mention it. It just…well, you caught me off guard. You didn't want to be with me. And then you did. I didn't tell you because frankly, it was none of your business."

"I know." She concedes. "It wasn't. And I'm sorry if I might have caused any…trouble."

I snort. "Yeah."

She must have caught my disbelief. "I mean it, Jess."

I sigh, knowing she speaks the truth. Under it all, Susan is a genuinely good and caring human being. "Yeah, I know."

"Well, I just wanted to tell you that. In case, you know, your girlfriend got mad at you or something."

I wince but otherwise remain silent.

"I didn't cause anything, did I?"

I don't know whether to lie or not. Surely, this time, it truly is none of her business. "Doesn't matter now. We're…no longer together."

I hear her intake of breath. "I'm sor—"

I cut her off. "Don't worry about it. What's done is done. It's not your fault." Well, not entirely. She might have been a factor in the equation, but she certainly wasn't the cause.

My clipped statement must have warned her off. "I didn't mean to, Jess."

"I know." I move the conversation along weary of the subject we've been on. "So, how's the family, Susan?"

She lets me change the subject without protest. "They're good. I had dinner with them last week. Saw Katie. She asked about you, again."

I make a face. There are a few things I missed about not being with her. Susan has three siblings, one of which, the oldest, has a daughter—Katie. The little girl with golden blonde curls had taken to me and I couldn't help but like her as well. She had a brilliant smile, and even at the tender age of four when I knew her, she was a sharp as any bright child. She matched me wit for wit and would entertain me for hours with silly knock knock jokes while I laughed and let her sit on my lap. I'm not terribly fond of kids, but she's one of the few that I let touch my heart. She would beg for me to read her stories and for one Christmas I had bought her an armful of Dr. Seuss books. Her eyes had lighted with a twinkle that morning and Susan loved it that I got along so well with her niece. "How is she doing?"

"Good. She loves school. Comes home everyday with something new to share."

I nod. "Good."

"She misses you, Jess. Even though it's been a hell of a long time since you've seen her, she still asks about you once in a while."

"She was a good kid."

"Maybe…you could come along to see her sometime? In the future? If you want, I mean."

"Yeah, maybe." I glance over at the clock. I have a meeting with a new potential author for Dog-Eared in an hour. "I've got to go. Work."

"Okay, sure. It was nice talking to you again."

I don't want to say it back. It would be admitting something that I'm not ready to yet. "Bye."

---

Donning yesterday's jeans with a fresh t-shirt, I walk out of my room with my hair still wet from the shower. Adso trails my steps with a wagging tail.

"Hey Man."

"Jesus!" Grabbing at my chest, I jump seeing Ben perched on my counter with his legs swinging and his easy smile on his lips.

"Morning." He stretches out a hand to pet Ad.

"How the hell did you get in?"

"I have an extra key." He smirks.

I roll my eyes. "How did you get that?"

"The landlord gave me two sets of keys. I forgot to give you the other when you moved in."

Going up to him, I grab one of the bagels he offers. "Eight months ago?"

He shrugs. "I forget easily."

"Just give me the other key, will ya?"

Cheekily, he grins. "What if you get locked out? Then I couldn't help you."

Reaching for my mug, I toss in a tea bag and wait for the water to boil. "Just keep it and shut up."

"Huh. You're happy this morning."

I glare at him. "Long night."

He raises his eyebrow. "Oh yeah? By yourself or should I sneak out now?"

"No; not like that."

"Don't make me start up again with you."

"Yeah, yeah." I imitate Ben's voice. "Jess, you need a girlfriend. You need to get out there." Dropping the act, I turn to pour in hot water. "Just lay off of me, okay?"

"Fine." He takes a bite of his sesame bagel. "So, what happened last night?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh, come on!" He punches my arm.

"Hey, I'll sue you for abuse in the workplace."

"We're not at work." He makes a face. "Don't tell me it's about _her_."

I shake my head. "No. That was a while ago."

"Good. It's been a long time now since you two were…" He gestures with his free hand. "Together."

"I know." My body language tells him not to continue. Taking a sip of my tea, I stay quiet for the moment.

"The hamster in your brain is running his wheel isn't it?" He ducks down to try to catch my eyes.

"I think about her less." I throw Ben off guard by my lack of sarcasm. "Actually, I don't really think about her at all."

He treats it normally. "It happens."

"It means I'm over it, right? Completely?" Conversations such as these have become commonplace between the two of us now. Every once in a while, we'll talk about things that don't have anything to do with work, publishing, or books. Ever since Ben forced his way gradually into my personal life, I've been giving up an inch here and there. He's used to it. And I'm internally grateful for someone like him. Someone I can call a friend.

"It just means you think about her less." He gestures with his hands.

"That's comforting."

"What can I say?" He bobs his head. "It means nothing until it means something."

I listen but don't react. "The other ex called." Even now, I feel weird using that word choice. _Other ex_.

"The blonde?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"She's left me a couple messages since, you know." _Since Rory and I broke up_. I only refer to her by pronoun. "Nothing of consequence. I picked up last night instead of the machine."

He stops chewing his bagel. "And?"

"And…" I look away as if I'm ashamed of even thinking it. "It was nice."

"Nice?"

I look at him again. His face is neutral. "Yeah."

"What happened?"

I brush him off. "Nothing happened. We just talked."

He hesitates. "Is this what you want?"

My eyes sharply connect with his. "I have a lot of history with her. I'm allowed to talk to her. I'm not looking to jump into bed with Susan."

"I didn't say that."

I sigh. "Then what are you saying?"

"Nothing." He hops off the counter. "I'm not saying anything."

I accuse him with a pointing finger. "You don't have to _say_ anything."

"You're reading too much into it." He makes his way to the front door and pauses when he unlocks it. Turning back around he speaks up. "Be careful, okay?"

My eyes immediately look down on their own accord.

"You guys broke up for a reason. One break up isn't reason enough to get back together with a previous girlfriend."

"It isn't like that. With Susan, it's…we broke up because of distance."

"And with you and Rory?"

I wince hearing her name. "It was something else."

"You were in love, Jess."

I breathe in and swallow. "Maybe."

He shakes his head. "No, not maybe. You _were_."

"So?"

"They're different. Susan, Rory." He juggles his hands as he talks. "They're different women. One ex is not the other. Don't try to replace one with the other."

I lift my chin in defiance. "I'm not."

"Getting back together with Susan won't bring Rory back. You won't feel the same thing for her as you did for Rory."

I grit my teeth even though I know it's true. "I'm not looking to feel the same way again."

He rolls his eyes as he lets himself out. "Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that."

Damn him for always getting the last word.

---

Unlocking the door, I step through.

"So this is where you live, huh? Nice. High ceilings. Lofty." Dad whistles and surveys the space."It's all right. I like it." I drop the mail onto the counter. "Give me a second, huh? I just need to change my shirt."

"I'm glad to see you finally doing something you enjoy."

I shrug off his compliment. Thumbing through the mail, I come across one bearing the Yale insignia.

"So, where are you taking your old man to dinner tonight?"

"There's a hot dog stand down the street." I joke with him.

He chuckles. "And then where are you taking me?"

I use my forefinger to swipe across the sealed envelope. Scanning through the letter, it's a basic invitation of recent graduates from the English department to a dinner with a guest speaker.

"What's that?" Dad appears by my shoulder.

I toss it down. "Nothing. Just some dinner at school."

"You going?" He picks it up to read.

"Nah. I don't think I wanna drive all the way there just for that. Plus, who cares? I left the school. I'm done." Walking my way towards the bedroom, I take off my sweatshirt and trade it for a nicer jacket instead.

"You should think about it, Jess."

I reappear, buttoning my shirt. "Why?"

"Networking. Meeting new opportunities. That sorta thing."

"I don't know."

He starts to move towards the door as I grab my keys. "Well, consider it. You never know when you might need a job. Plus, it's always a good idea to see what else is out there. And a free dinner isn't a bad deal."

"Alright. I'll think about it." Pocketing the invitation to read again later, I close the door behind us.

---

Dad looks bored with the lull in our conversation. "So, anything new?"

I shrug and take a bite of my pizza. "Nah. How's Mom?"

"Fine. She's doing this charity function thing." He makes a face. "I have to go. It's ridiculous, I tell you."

I smirk. "You love it."

His eyes widen. "I do not!"

"You love Mom." I roll my eyes.

"That's a given." He sighs. "Guess I have to drag out the penguin suit for it. It's some sort of auction thing. Whatever."

I reach for my soda. "Where you and a bunch of yuppies bid on a boat all in the name of charity?"

Dad chuckles. "I don't get you, Son. People could very easily call you a yuppie as well, you know that?"

"Then I'll kick the shit outta them." I snicker.

"That's my boy." He takes another slice. "Plus we don't have a boat."

"Only 'cause you think it would make you look like a sellout."

"My dad had one. I just can't. It'd be saying that I fell into the long line of Mariano men."

I chew slowly. "You say it like it's a bad thing."

"Hey, you know I'm the black sheep. Every Mariano man is supposed to go to either Yale or Princeton or Harvard."

I smirk. "I know. You went to California, went all hippie for a while: sex, drugs, and rock and roll, right?"

"I deny every part of that." He has a smug expression dancing across his features.

"Are you saying that _I_ fell into the line of Mariano men?"

"You?" His face is alight with a smug expression. "My son who got into fights, kicked out of several private schools, and all that?"

"It was a phase."

"One that cost me a fortune." He smirks and there's no doubt that I'm my father's son. "So proud of you, by the way."

"Yeah, yeah." I break eye contact and dig into my pocket for the invitation I previously shoved in there. "Speaking of Yale…"

"Just go. Spend the weekend at home with us. Your mother misses you."

I sigh, knowing that it's true. I just spoke with her on the phone two days ago, promising that I'd make it down in the near future for a visit. "Okay, I guess."

---

Going casual, I forego the tie and let the collar hang open. Not entirely in jeans a t-shirt, I had least made the effort in putting on dress slacks and a nice shirt. Suddenly I'm glad that I did. Everybody else is in full on suits and they eye me as I enter without a jacket or a tie. Casting some a dirty look in return, I head over to the bar. There is lot of people here tonight, and the large auditorium is filled with at least twenty large circular tables. Sidling up to the bar, I decide to start with something simple. Catching the bartender's attention, I nod at him. "Screwdriver, please." He nods.

Drink in hand, I settle onto one of the bar stools. Not one for mingling or networking, I just turn to survey the crowd. On the side, in my peripheral vision, I spy a familiar figure. Looking both out of place and determined not to seem so, I take in the sight of her. She's dressed simply in a black dress that dips low and clings to her curves. Taking a gulp of my drink, I get up, my feet seemingly leading my body on their own accord. Approaching her, I watch as she observes the other guests. "Graduated already?" I smirk at her surprised expression. "I do believe tonight is only for alumni."

She's shocked but recovers quickly with a shy smile. "I know. I'm covering it for the paper."

"Are you expecting a political demonstration or something? 'Cause I seriously think it might make tonight much more interesting."

She giggles. "No, I'm doing someone a favor by writing this article."

I nod and let silence come over us. We both people watch for the moment and I'm pleased to discover that our pause in conversation is comfortable. "Do you want a drink?" I shake the ice in my glass.

"Uh, sure." She innocently peers into my glass. "I'll have what you're having." She shrugs.

I tilt my head and give her a sly smile. "Yeah? Here." I offer her mine.

She takes a drink and suddenly she backwashes into my cup. "Ugh."

I chuckle.

She hits my forearm. "Why didn't you warn me?"

"You said you'd have what I was having."

She glares. "I thought it was orange juice."

"It is."

She rolls her eyes. "Minus the incredibly strong vodka." She hands me the cup and looks sheepish. "Sorry, I kinda…"

"Spit back into my cup?" I chuckle.

She laughs. "Yeah."

I take it anyways. "It's okay."

She turns to face me fully. "I didn't think you'd come to something like this. You're not one for Yale functions."

"I know. Dad convinced me. Plus, I'm visiting my parents this weekend."

"Oh, that's nice."

Our position off to the side gives us an air of privacy. Some other guests mill past us, searching for their seats or speaking with other recent grads. I lower my voice. "It's nice to see you again, Rory."

She ducks her head but I know she's smiling. "You too." She nervously tugs on her dress, which only serves to pull the neckline down a fraction. I glance down and look away with a cough. She looks back up at me. "So, how are you doing?"

"I'm good. Normal, you know. You?"

"Just school. The paper and all that. It keeps me busy."

"And your classes?"

"They're good." She shrugs a lazy shoulder. "They're…whatever. It's school."

I smirk. "Where's the girl who got excited about shopping for yellow legal pads to take notes on? Don't tell me you're already jaded about school, so soon."

She laughs and blushes. "I can't believe I ever told you that. I still like school. It's just my entire life these days."

I narrow my eyes at that last statement and prod the subject. "Doesn't leave you much time for a social life?"

"Not really. I go out with my suitemates once in a while on Fridays, but not much other than that." She causally answers my questions.

I'm about to inquire more, but the sound of my name jerks my head up. Spying a former classmate, I nod politely at the approaching figure. He comes up with an easy smile. "Mariano. You're looking well."

"It's nice to see you Thomson. How's it going?"

"It's good. As well as can be expected. I got a job here, locally. Working my way up. Punching in the numbers." He laughs and checks himself when he notices Rory at my side. "Hi. Phillip Thomson." He offers his hand.

"Sorry." I nod between the two of them. "Phil, this is Rory Gilmore. She writes for the school paper. She's here covering the event."

I can feel her stiffen at the formal introduction. I ignore it. "Rory, Phil."

She smiles. "Nice to meet you."

"You too." He turns as he sees someone else out of the corner of his eye. "Excuse me. It was nice seeing you Mariano."

"Take care." I shake his hand. I chance a glance over at her, noticing her annoyed expression. "Something wrong?"

"Nope." Her tone is short. "I better go interview some people for the article."

She starts to walk away and I reach out to grab her arm. "Hey, wait. Where are you going?"

"I just told you."

I let go. "No, you told me some bullshit lie and now you're running away. What just happened?"

"Nothing happened. I just need to do my job."

I roll my eyes at her attempts to get away. "All right. Interview away. I'm a guest."

"Someone else, Jess." She looks increasingly irritated.

"What? I'm not good enough?" I smirk and push her buttons. "Come on. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm apparently just a student who's covering the event. So I better do it." She's mocking my words from earlier.

"You're joking, right?" I look over at her incredulous. "You're pissed because of what I said to Thomson?"

She suddenly realizes the absurdity of the situation and drops her annoyed expression. "No, I'm just…I don't know."

"You _are_ here covering the event. What was I supposed to say?"

In a flash, she's irked again. "You could've made the introduction a little more friendlier."

Ah. That's where it is. "And what should I have said?"

"You could've said I was your friend or something."

And now I realize that all along it's not the introduction that has gotten under her skin. Our easy conversation from earlier has unnerved her. She doesn't know what it means and it throws her off. She's always one to like clear and definite labels on everything from cards to binders to relationships. "Would you have liked that I called you my friend?"

"Not if you don't mean it." She grumbles.

I step closer, ushering her into the shadow behind a particularly large decorative plant. Calmly, I lean into her. "Rory, what is this about?"

Bravely, she matches my gaze. "It's been a while now, Jess. Why can't we be friends?"

"And why is it so important to you that we're friends?"

"I've always been friends with my ex-boyfriends."

Eyebrow raised, I find it amusing. "You're kidding. That can't be true. Can it?"

"No. Well, maybe not close friends. But at least there are phone calls and such. I've never had an ex-boyfriend who suddenly disappeared from my life."

I wince. Even though I was with her for almost a year, there are still things that I'm only beginning to find out about her. I always thought it was curious that she didn't have a lot of friends. For a girl who's pretty and easygoing, I always found it slightly off center for her not to have more friends. And now it dawns on me, she doesn't make real friends easily. Just as I invested a year with her, she also used that time to cultivate a relationship with me and even though we're not together anymore, she feels robbed of a friend. I rub my forehead and take a sip of my drink. Only when the liquid is in my mouth do I realize that she had spit back into my cup. Refusing to let a little thing like that get to me, I swallow, determined not to let too many of my cards show. "I don't think I've ever been friends with an ex-girlfriend."

"Really?"

I chuckle humorlessly. "Yeah. What a pair we make, huh?"

"Yeah."

I pause. Friends? What a crazy idea. "Okay." I surprise. "Friends. You're right. It's been a while."

"Just like that?"

"Look, I'm tired of being angry at you. And in all honesty, I'm not anymore. You had your reasons and I had mine for breaking up. It wasn't entirely fair of me to pin it all on you. It wasn't all you. And it wasn't just me. It was the both of us."

She nods. "I shouldn't have dumped it all on you at that moment. I'm sorry about that. But…I really do feel like it was the right decision at the time. I just don't think we wouldn't have worked with all that distance between us. Amongst other things."

She's referring to the things that I kept hidden from her. She's right. No matter how much I allowed her into my life, there were certain things that I kept from her. And I know it didn't help in the end. "I know. Maybe it was better to break up when we did. Instead of waiting and fighting all the way to the end, right?"

"Guess so." Catching me off guard, she throws me a smile. "Friends?" She offers her hand to me.

I take it, curling my fingers around her smaller palm, feeling the heat passing between us. I don't let go. Staring at her, I take my time to really look at her. Cheeks are flushed, perpetually so, it would seem. This girl always appears to be embarrassed and blushing at every small thing. I smile. Her hair is curled around her shoulders, skimming down past her shoulders. From my vantage point, I can see the tiny freckle nestled at the curve of her breasts where the front of her dress dips down. The smattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose stands out, free from the coverage of makeup. Finally releasing her hand, my fingers move on their own accord, brushing some hair out of her eyes. I hear her intake of breath. Something inside surges and I recoil. "Friends."

---

The path is dimly lit before us, and I shove my hands into my pockets to keep warm. "You don't have to walk me all the way."

I brush off her comment. "Don't mention it. It's late and dark, besides, what kind of a _friend_ would I be if I let you walk alone?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Are you mocking me?"

I chuckle. "Sorta. I still can barely wrap my brain around that: Friends. I don't know. Is it weird that I've never been friends with an ex?"

She shrugs. "Probably not. It doesn't seem like the norm."

"Well, always a time for firsts, right?"

"Yeah."

"So," we continue walking. I struggle for something to say. I don't know how to separate friendly from flirting now that I'm no longer angry with her. I've accepted our distanced relationship and I don't know what the boundaries are. "What do we talk about?"

She bites back a laugh. "What do you talk about to your other friends?

"They're all guys at work. So I doubt we can talk about the same things."

She giggles. "Maybe not."

Not knowing what to say, we walk the rest of the way in silence. Listening to our steps, I watch my feet. Coming up to her dorm entrance, she turns and I watch with an expecting expression. "What?"

She shakes her head in amusement. "It just seems like you're waiting for an epiphany to hit you or something. The concept of friends isn't entirely that foreign to you, is it? Like you said, we were friends during, if not before we were together."

Without thinking, I mutter, "Yeah well, we also had sex during that time. Though I hardly think that's acceptable now."

She laughs out loud. "Probably not a good idea if we want to remain platonic friends. At least we're not yelling at each other anymore."

I lower my voice. "I don't want that."

"Me neither."

"Well, goodnight." Out of habit, or whatever the hell it is, I lean down to brush a kiss on her cheek. Pulling away with a shocked expression, I see that she matches me. "Sorry. Don't know what I was thinking."

"It's okay." She stumbles over her words.

Taking an unsteady step away from her, I can't help but notice that familiar scent of her, or the shaking feeling in my gut. Oh, god, what is going on? Smirking, I choose humor as my defense. "Guess I'll have to get used to the friends thing, yeah?"

She offers a forgiving smile. "Yeah."

I nod. "Take care of yourself."

"You too."

I watch her back as she gets into the building. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I walk slowly towards the parking lot.

---

I turn the corner, spying the deli. My phone vibrates and I reach into my front pocket to produce it. Noting the familiar Dog-Eared number, I flip it open. "Yeah? What's up?"

"Hey." Ben's voice comes through. "Tim changed his mind. He wants turkey on wheat instead."

Dryly, I retort. "What a shocker. Is he certain that's what he wants?"

He chuckles. "Yeah."

"Okay."

In the background, I hear Tim yell, "No mustard, Jess! I'm allergic."

Ben comes back on. "I'm sure you heard that."

I roll my eyes. "God, now I'm the gofer of the group." The call waiting beeps. "I have another call. I'll be back in fifteen minutes."

"Okay."

I press the button. "Yeah?"

"Hey Jess."

"How's it going, Susan?" There are been a sporadic smattering of calls passed between us. Each of them leads to nowhere dangerous and never for longer than half an hour. We've used these phone calls to get to know each other again, all without assumption. It's been a nice lesson in teaching me to be friends with ex-girlfriends. Maybe Rory had a point in this whole being friends things. Who said you can't be friends when sex is removed out of the relationship?

"Oh, not much. Work. Hey, remember the book you got at that rummage sale a long time ago? It was a first edition. Was it Hemingway?"

I wrinkle my forehead at the weird line of thought. "No, it was _Gatsby_, why?"

"Who wrote it?"

"Fitzgerald." I open the deli's front door and the air conditioner hits me. "Why the sudden interest? Don't tell me you're reading it."

"Well, I was hoping I wouldn't need to." She hedges.

"Why?"

"I'm doing some research for this campaign I'm working on, and I was told to read it. Apparently we have this idea for all the Roaring 20s stuff. But you know how I'm with reading…"

I'm suddenly reminded of Tim and his relationship with mustard and assorted nuts. "Still allergic to reading?" I snicker. "Roaring 20s, huh?"

"Eh, it's a long story. But I was hoping you could just fill me in?"

"Help you cheat?"

She laughs. "Since when did you become so honest? I seem to remember hearing stories of you copying the entire periodic table to the inside bottom of your shoe to pass chem."

I smirk. That's a favorite story of Dad's to tell. "And if you remember, I got caught and suspended from that boy's academy."

"What do you say, Jess? You're my last hope. Seriously."

I sigh. "Yeah, okay. I have some free time tomorrow." It'll be the first time I've seen her since she showed up at my apartment more than nine months ago.

"Thank you. I owe you."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll call you when I'm done at work."

"Okay, see you."

---

All day I've been anticipating what will happen with I see Susan tomorrow. Sitting in front of my television with Jay Leno across the screen, I pick up my phone. I wait as it rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Hey Jess." She pauses. "Huh, a call from you. To what do I owe this pleasure to?" She's mocking me.

"Come on. I call you."

"No you don't. I call you. You answer."

I scoff. "Well, at least I answer. I never let you get the machine on purpose."

"Suppose it counts for something, doesn't it?"

"Yeah."

There's a brief lull. "So, why are you calling me at…past midnight?"

I grimace. "Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Oh no." I hear shuffling. "Don't worry. I'm up studying. Paris is driving me nuts."

I chuckle. "The Nazi never changes does she?"

She laughs. "Nope. She's complaining that my music is too loud."

A vacant memory flashes across my vision and I chuckle. "Like the time you blasted your ipod and she came charging into the room?"

She groans. "You mean when she caught us making out? Yeah, she still shields her eyes when she hears loud music coming from me."

I falter at the implication that she might be with another guy. No matter how okay I told her it was a while ago, I still don't like it. "Um, yeah."

"Anyways." She perks up as she tries to change the subject. "What's up?"

"Just…thought I'd call you." To clear my conscience? What am I hoping to achieve? I can see Susan; she's just a friend. And it's not a date. I'm helping her, that's it.

She doesn't answer right away. "I know you, Jess. You're calling because of something." She's serious. "What's going on? You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Okay." She drags out the word, not believing anything I just said. "I might be coming to New York."

"Yeah?" I turn off the television.

"There's a conference. My professor told me that it might do some good to meet some professionals in the business."

"When is it?"

"About a month from now."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

Adso's come back into the living room, dragging his blanket. Coming up, he drops it into my lap and lays his head down. He's tired and obviously waiting for me to go to bed. He barks. "Ad, stop."

"Adso?" She sounds suddenly happy. "Time for bed, right?"

"Yeah." I smirk at the similar line of thought. "Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"I uh…" I'm about to tell her. But I chicken out instead. "I've missed being able to talk to you."

"Me too." She sounds pleased at my inadvertent confession.

"Good thing you bullied me into being friends."

She scoffs. "I know you well enough to know that no one can make you do anything."

I smirk. "Well, always a first for everything."

"Goodnight Jess."

"Goodnight." I hang up and get off the couch. "Come on, Bud. Let's go." Adso and his blanket trail my steps as I turn off the light and lay down in bed, reveling in the fact that I just might be growing up. Friends with my ex-girlfriends? What a novel idea.

---

**AN: **Please Review.


	19. Lightning

**Lux et Veritas**

Chapter 19: Lightning

Author: Knowhere

Rating: R

Disclaimer: Nothing.

**AN:** Lux is coming closer to its conclusion. This was a good chapter to write. Finally things come together and pay off. Don't forget to _**review**_ when you're done.

I apologize for the delay in posting. As I've explained, I don't want to post anything but my best efforts and therefore I have been taking my time in cultivating the story so that I can capture the right feeling. Since it's been a while since the last chapter, you might want to refresh your memory before reading the new chapter.

Asa: Thanks.

I do believe that this is the longest chapter to date, so, enjoy…

Summary: Literati. Rory, a college freshman, meets a confident adult Jess for the first time. What happens when they discover each other? Different backgrounds, attitudes, and behaviors. AU.

---

Sipping my tea, I wait for Susan to show up. Sitting here for nearly a half an hour, I don't know why I'm jittery. I'm just having coffee with her for god's sake. My leg bounces beneath the table and I flag down the waiter for a refill. I spy her figure coming up to the door and her blonde hair swinging around as she looks for me. I hold up my hand in greeting and she smiles, coming up to the table and taking the opposite seat.

"Hey."

"You're late." I accuse her with a hint of teasing in my voice.

She smiles. "I know. When have you ever known me to be on time?"

I scrunch up my forehead. "Never. You're right." But after a year with Rory, I'd grown accustomed to always being on time, if not painfully early.

"Right. Well," she looks around and grabs menu from behind the napkin stand. "What's good here?"

"Coffee." I deadpan.

She glances over at me under hooded eyes. "Yeah?" Busy reading the menu, she misses my sarcasm.

"What can I get for you, ma'am?" The waiter appears.

"Latte. Non-fat milk, please."

"Sure." He looks over at me. "Refill?"

I nod and hand over my cup. "Thanks." Tapping my fingers on the table, I smile. "So…Fitzgerald?"

"Yeah." She looks sheepish. "Um, listen." She's nervous, I can tell.

"What?" I drag out the word.

Cutely, she bites her nails. "How mad would you be if I told you that I don't actually have to read Fitzgerald for work?" She covers her face with her hands with a child and peek around open fingers.

"I would say that I'm not all that surprised."

She drops her hands. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You're a horrible liar." I smirk.

She's mocking offense. "I am not."

"Yeah, you are." I raise my eyebrow. "You may be good at a lot of things, but being devious is not one of them."

"What can I say?" She shrugs. "I'm inherently honest."

"Something you and I don't share." I chuckle.

"Hide it all you want, Jess. You're a good guy."

"Don't spread that around." The waiter reappears with our drinks. "So, why the lie?"

She doesn't answer; only drops her eyes.

"Ah." I suppose I should be angry, but I'm not. In fact, I'm mildly flattered. "Susan."

She looks over.

"It's okay. If you wanted to see me, all you needed to do was ask."

She raises her eyebrows in surprise. "You're toying with me, aren't you?"

I chuckle. "Nope. Serious. I've learned that there's nothing to be gained in being angry. And perhaps there might be something in this whole, being friends with your exs thing."

"Wow, never thought I'd see the day." She hesitates. "So, really? You're okay with it?"

I shrug. "Yeah, why not?"

"What made you change your mind?"

I pause. "Let's just say that I realized it's a waste of my time in being angry."

She smiles.

---

We've talked for about an hour and I enjoyed it. It's nice delving into our past, slipping into comfortable conversation without the expectation of anger bubbling up beneath the surface. After we finished our drinks, I offer to walk her home. Braving the cold, I warm my hands up in the pockets of my wool overcoat. Her breath comes out in puffs and she pauses in front of a high apartment building. "This is me."

I whistle. "Nice. I suppose Daddy helped you with this."

She bristles at the comment. "What? Is it so horrible that I would let my parents take care of me?"

I shrug noncommittally. "No. I didn't mean anything by it."

"Sorry." She drops her glare. "I just hate it when people insinuate that I get everything handed to me."

"It helps though, doesn't it?"

Cocky, she turns the tables. "Dunno. Does it?"

I smirk. "I take care of myself."

"Not always. Or did you just magically pay off all your college tuition?"

"Touché." I chuckle and rub my cold hands together. "I don't deny it."

"I know." She smiles sadly. "It's just a struggle, you know? To be taken seriously…at work, with friends, life in general."

I nod. I know exactly what she means. If it weren't for my exceptional position with Ben and the fact that he runs in the same circles my family does, I would be fighting those stereotypes myself. "Never easy. Not easy having money; definitely not easy without it."

"That's for sure." She rocks back on her heels. "Would you like to come up?"

I glance sharply into her eyes and then soften my gaze as I look up at the imposing building. "I think I'd rather not."

"Sure." She bobs her head. "I understand. Thanks for today. It was nice."

"Yeah."

She turns and mutters a thank you to the doorman as he opens the heavy glass door for her. I watch her enter before turning away myself.

---

"Hey Jess!" Nate and Scott both swivel around at the sound of Tim's voice. "Thought you couldn't come tonight?"

"Yeah. Change of plans." I plop down on a stool. "Vodka tonic?" I catch the bartender's attention.

"Hey man." Ben comes up behind me and places his hand on my shoulder. "Thought you were hanging with the blonde tonight?"

"Yeah, that's done."

He cocks his head and takes the stool next to me. "What happened?"

"Nothing." I take a sip of my drink from a chilled highball glass.

"Uh oh." He knows that clipped tone in my voice. "Spill."

I shoot him a disgusted look. "Yeah, right." I take a gulp of my drink, ignoring Ben to concentrate on the vodka.

Ben sips his beer. "Oh god, Jess, don't tell me you slept with her."

I glare. "What's it to you anyways?"

"You're gonna hate yourself, I know that much." He downs the rest of his drink. "Believe me, I know. You think it's good and all that shit, but then when things start to be complicated, you're gonna wonder why the fuck you ever removed your pants in the first place."

I roll my eyes. "We didn't sleep together."

"Oh." He seems surprised. "Well, good. Don't."

"You're not my father, thank you very much. And even then I'd tell you to mind your own business. Why are you so concerned about me anyways?"

He scoffs. "Someone has to be. You're not doing it yourself."

Condescendingly, I retort. "Listen, I'm a big boy. I can make my own mistakes."

"Jess, you're such a stubborn asshole." He chuckles. "Why make the mistakes in the first place?"

I change the subject with a toss of my head. "I'm friends with my exs."

He laughs. "You're what?"

Slowly, I repeat. "I'm friends with them."

"You're kidding?"

I mock myself. "Nope. Not at all. We talk on the phone."

He stops, letting my statement absorb. Vaguely, I think I hear a girl giggle at Nate's lame joke. I can barely hear Ben's quiet statement over the buzz of the bar around us. "Jess, why are you doing this to yourself?"

With my guard down, the liquor does its job of loosening my tongue. "Doing what?"

"You don't want to be friends with these girls. Why are you doing this?"

I shake my head. "Maybe I want to be friends."

"You're not the kind of guy to be friends with ex-girlfriends."

"Why not?" I finish off the rest of my drink. "I can change."

"If this is the way you think you can do away with everyone, live like a hermit, you're in for a rude awakening."

"I don't think this is appropriate barroom talk."

He laughs at my sarcasm. "All right. But don't say I didn't warn you." He looks away and searches for the bartender. "Another round for us, please."

---

This is the third time I've hung out with Susan. We've gotten coffee, two lunches, and now a late dinner. Across the table, she picks at her food. I smirk. "What? Diet?"

She looks up. "No."

"Yeah, right." I tease her. Taking a bite of my burger, I speak with my mouth full, uncaring of my manners. "I know this isn't really your scene."

"I like a burger here and there."

"Liar."

She grins. "I tried."

I nod. "I know. And I also remember that you barely touch meat."

"Since I was sixteen."

"I know." I grab a couple of fries. "Healthiest time of my life was when we were together."

She points her fork at me. "Don't think I don't remember all that soy stuff you eat. Tofu, organic, blah, blah. You'd think you were the one constantly on a diet."

I smirk. "It's not a diet. It's just what I eat. But I still eat meat and the occasional greasy burger in a questionable diner such as this."

She looks down at the not entirely clean table. "Yeah well, it helps that your metabolism is constantly going. Seriously, I've never seen anyone eat as much as you do and never gain a pound."

I open my mouth to reply, but clamp down. I know one person who's got me beat in that department. "Yeah. Growing boys gotta eat."

Our banter is easy and has been ever since we've hung out. But I'm not so blind as to realize that there's no sparkle there anymore. Being with her no longer stirs any gut-shaking feeling in my belly, my palms don't sweat like they used to when we were first together. Being with her now is comfortable, and in all seriousness, entirely friendly. We've slipped past the nonexistent phase of flirtatiousness and landed directly in the middle of friendship.

"So how's the new book going?" She perks up.

"Good. Almost done with the first round of editing." I genuinely smile. "It's gonna be great."

"I'm happy for you."

"Thanks." I finish the rest of my fries. "You done?"

"Yeah." She pushes her half-finished plate off to the side.

I ask for the check and don't even bother with her protests as I pay for it in full. Dropping a decent tip, I get up and shrug on my coat. Waiting for her by the door, I open it and let her step through first. "You going home?"

"Yeah, it's late."

"Okay." I cross the street, heading in the direction of her apartment.

The short walk to her home takes place quickly. Our feet quicken as the wind picks up around us. I curse myself for not having gone to the bathroom at the diner. I polished off three cups of tea, not to mention the bottle of water I had before. "Hey, can I use your bathroom?"

She turns at the entrance of her building. "Sure."

I follow impatiently as we step onto the elevator and ascend to the third floor. Watching her unlock the door, I look around. It's exactly what I would have imagined. Decorative, stylish, pale pastels. "Um, where is it?"

"Oh, sorry." She waves down the hallway. "First door to your left."

"Thanks." Finding it quickly, I close the door behind me. Noticing her familiar knickknacks as I finish and wash my hands, I flip off the light to return to the living room.

She's heating something up in the microwave. "Want a cookie?"

I chuckle. "Doesn't that break the rules of your diet?"

"Every diet has room for some chocolate chip cookies." She comes over with a stack of them on top of her mug. "Yeah?" She hands me one.

I take a bite, chocolate melting onto my fingers. "Thanks." Joining her at the kitchen table, I sit. Picking apart the rest of the cookie, I glance over at her in the dim light. She's still pretty, undoubtedly, but not enough to move me in the same way anymore. I grin to myself. Being friends with her not only let me forget my anger and finally forgive her, but it ultimately helped me move on. Finally.

She smiles at my thoughtful expression. "What?"

Softly, I reply. "Nothing."

She takes a sip of her coffee and watches me coyly from the brim of her cup. "You haven't changed one bit. And yet I feel like you're an entirely different person."

I smirk. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She slowly puts down her cup and leans forward to close the distance between us. Feeling her lips suddenly on mine, I respond, tentatively at first, and then with increasing pressure. But there's nothing to be found. No spark, no emotion. It's an empty kiss. Her hands are holding my forearms and I ease out of the kiss. Pursing my lips, I open my eyes to find that she's already staring into mine. I swallow heavily and she does the same. The air is dense and it snaps the moment.

I chuckle dryly and scratch the back of my head. "Should I say it, or do you want to?"

She laughs and leans back into her chair. "What? That our kiss right now felt like kissing my uncle?"

I join her sarcasm. "You kiss your uncle on the lips? That's not cool."

"Oh god." She throws her head back and shakes out her hair. "What happened to us?"

I smile tenderly and reach out to brush some fallen hair away from her eyes. "Time."

She smiles as well. "Yeah. I guess. I felt it the other day when we had lunch. Or more correctly, I _didn't_ feel it."

I nod. "I had a similar feeling as well."

"Guess this means there's really nothing left between us." Her tone is light, not disappointed in the least.

And I'm not either. "Yeah, guess not."

"Wow." She grabs her mug to take a sip. Sputtering out laughter, she almost spits out her coffee.

"Easy there." I take the cup from her hands. "Don't choke."

She giggles. "I spent all this time thinking that I wanted you again."

I brush it aside. "Maybe you were just caught up in the notion of being with me. The relationship. Not really me."

"Maybe."

I lean back. "No hard feelings?"

"Nope." She stands. "Now this is what I call closure."

I laugh, a deep rumble in my throat. "Yeah." I open the door. "Thanks for this."

"For what?" She teases. "A horrible kiss?"

"Yes." I'm being serious. "At least now we know for sure."

"You're welcome."

"I'll see you around?"

She smiles prettily. "Maybe."

But we both know that we won't. There's a silent agreement that this is really the end. I glance at her once more…my last look at a woman who finally holds no question marks in my head. There are no lingering caresses of the physical, visual, or emotional variety. This is the end. We both appear surprisingly calm and relieved. I shut the door behind me with a smile.

---

My phone vibrates in my pocket as I reach the lobby of Susan's building. Taking it out and glancing at the caller id, I answer. "Hey."

"Hey." Her voice comes out in a flurry. "You know the poem _I Like It When You're Quiet_? Who wrote it? It starts out like…um, 'It's as if you're not here now, and you heard me from a distance…' Something like that."

"Neruda."

"Yes! That's it. Thank god I finally found it." She sighs and takes a deep breath. "Hi."

I chuckle. "Hello Rory."

"Whatta doing?"

I glance back into the building I just vacated. "Saying goodbye to something in my past."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. Why are you spouting poetry at eleven o'clock?"

"Betting against my roommate."

I smirk. "A bet? You called me to settle a bet?"

"Which, by the way, I won!" I can her yell that to whomever is in the room with her. Muted grumbling floats across the phone and into my ear. "Thanks."

"Welcome." I don't ignore or push away the feeling of something indescribable hearing her voice again. I like it. I stand at the corner, spying a cab and flagging it down. Getting in and placing my hand over the mouthpiece of my phone, I give the driver my address. "How are you?"

"I'm good. Oh, I'm coming to the Big Apple."

I roll my eyes in jest. "Tourist."

"I give it away, don't I?"

"No self-respecting New Yorker would call the city the Big Apple."

"Got it."

"Coming to the conference, I see."

"Yeah."

I settle myself into the vinyl seat. "When?"

"Next week."

With the success of what just happened with Susan, I'm eager for some closure with Rory as well. "I'd like to see you."

"Really?" Her voice squeaks.

"Yeah. Can I?"

"Sure. Yeah, I'd like that." The happiness in her voice elevates something within me.

"Good. Where are you staying?"

"Uh." I hear her shuffling papers around. "The Marriott, I think. Do you know where it is?"

The innocence in her question makes me smile. "There might be more than one, Rory. It's a big city."

"Right." She sounds embarrassed. "Of course."

"Why don't you email me your itinerary? We'll make something work."

"Okay. I've gotta go, Jess."

"Sure. I'll see you."

"Yeah."

I hang up and watch the city slowly pass by my window.

The cab driver looks into the rearview mirror. "Girlfriend?" He smiles.

He catches me off guard. "Uh, no."

"Sounded like it."

Softly, I trace my finger on the fogged up glass. "Nope."

---

"Dude." Scott points at me with both hands. "What would you say if I told you I've got dates with two gorgeous girls this weekend?"

I smirk. "I'd say you'd better be careful not to over inflate her." I hear Ben laughing from across the room.

He makes a face. "Fucking smart ass." He comes around my desk, perching himself on the corner. "Seriously, I do. And I need you to come."

I lean back and tip my chair. "Why?"

"I need some sort of a wingman. Someone who can help me show this girl that I'm funny and not a jerk. Plus, I promised her that I'd bring someone for her roommate."

I shake my head. "Can't. I have plans for this weekend."

"You do not."

"I do."

Ben suddenly appears. "Jess is going to try to see if he's really over his ex."

I scowl. "What part of private conversation do you not understand?"

He looks smug. "All parts."

"Obviously."

"Wait." Scott interjects. "What girl?"

Tim takes a chip from the leftovers of his lunch and speaks up. "You know, the girl that Jess had before he came here."

"The one that he wouldn't tell us about." Nate chirps in as well.

Throwing up my hands in exasperation, I sigh. "How the hell do you _all_ know about my life?"

"Hey." Nate looks offended. "We make it our business to know."

Tim chuckles. "Yeah. We live vicariously through your broken and messed up love life."

"So, what? You can't come?" Scott harps on.

I shake my head. "Nope. Sorry. Take Nate."

"Hell no!"

"Hey!" Offended, Nate stands up.

I smirk. "Take Ben, then."

Scott looks over hopefully at him. "Yeah?"

Ben shrugs. "She hot?"

"Yeah."

"You paying for dinner? Don't leave me picking up the tab for you again."

Scott sighs. "Yeah, dinner's on me. But I'm not buying your drinks. The Irish in you will drink me under the table, not to mention broke."

Ben chuckles. "Fine."

I get up and pocket my phone. "All right, gentlemen. I'm outta here."

Ben pulls on my arm. "Hey. Don't do anything stupid."

"What?" At his raised eyebrow, I sigh. "God, you're not gonna lecture me again? The friends' thing worked out with Susan. Now I know I'm totally over her. I'm just going to do the same with Rory."

"And what if you don't reach the same conclusion?"

That thought hadn't occurred to me. "I will."

"Susan was just a girl you were with for a while. Rory was a girl you were in love with."

I rub my eyes. "Are you saying I can't get over her?"

"I'm not saying anything. Just be careful." He walks away.

---

"Hey!" She breezes out of the elevator, wrapped in a scarf and a heavy coat. "Hi."

I stand in lobby, hands casually in my pockets. "Hey." My heart begins to beat faster as she impulsively reaches up to hug me. I catch a whiff of her shampoo and my body reacts. I pull her gently out of my arms, hoping she won't notice.

She doesn't. "It's freezing here. Did you guys get a storm or something?"

"Yeah, it's been kinda cold these days."

"I'll say. I'm glad that the conferences are entirely indoors."

"So, you ready?" I rock back onto my heels.

"Yeah. Where are we going?"

"Lunch, okay?"

She smiles. "Yeah, I'm starving."

"Come on then." I reach out and settle my hand on her lower back protectively before suddenly realizing what I've done. Pulling back quickly, I shake it off.

"Are we walking?" Her cheeks are already becoming red in the cold.

I was planning on it. However, seeing her bounce up and down to keep warm makes me reconsider. "Uh, no." I step off the curb and see an approaching empty cab. Placing my fingers into my mouth for a shrill whistle, it stops besides us. "Get in." I open the door for her.

She's astonished at the action but gets in without a word. I get in after her and lean into the partition to give the driver the destination. He nods and I settle back into the seat next to her. Catching her look, I question. "What?"

"Nothing."

I tilt my head and prod. "Come on, what?"

"You're different." She looks away.

"How so?"

"You're just…I don't know." She shrugs. "Self-assured, I guess."

Her brilliant smile stirs something in me again. Damn. "Is that a good thing?" I turn to her.

"Of course."

I lean closer to her. "It's nice to see you again."

"Ditto."

---

"Wait." She reaches out to stop my hand from grabbing a French fry. The light touch shoots electricity off like sparks. She doesn't seem to notice. "You're _writing_?"

I smirk. "You sound surprised."

"I'm not." She takes a gulp of her soda. "Okay yes, I am." She laughs. "That's so great, Jess."

"Don't be so excited. It's nothing. Just a manuscript at this moment."

"I'm sure it's great." She takes a big bite of her burger and speaks with her mouth full while trying to cover it up with a napkin. "Wow. A book."

I roll my eyes. "Not a book. It's in a notebook right now."

"Don't be modest. This is so cool. Will you let me read it?"

"I don't know." I look away.

"Come on. Please…" She pouts, lower lip protruding.

"Put that away." I joke on the outside, but on the inside, it reminds me of something she used to do a lot. And I painfully remember that it would always lead to more jokes, and eventually to bed. "Fine. But no pouting or making fun of me."

She drops the look immediately. "Deal." She continues to eat and I do the same. Ten minutes pass by with several lingering glances over the table passed between the two of us, but we're relatively silent. She stops and drops her burger onto her plate.

I pause. "What? No good?"

"Oh, no. It's great." She places her elbows on the table. "Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm gonna say something, which probably isn't the smartest thing to do. And it'll probably ruin the rest of our lunch, but…I need to say it."

I narrow my eyes and stop eating. "Okay."

"Could you…" She falters. "Could you not look at me while I do this?"

"You're kidding?"

"No. You're making me nervous and I'm already nervous enough."

"Okay." I advert my eyes and shift my entire body to the side.

I hear her sigh, and from the corner of my vision, I see her twisting her fingers. "I uh. I think I miss you."

"You think?" I turn.

"Hey."

"Right." I turn back around. "Go on."

"When we broke up." Her voice cracks. "I was…hurt. I didn't know why you couldn't let me in or tell me what was going on with you. I said things that I didn't mean and I ended up regretting them. And even though all that happened, I thought it was for the best that we weren't together anymore. I still think it was the best decision at the time. Look at you. You're happy with what you're doing and everything."

I face her and ignore her protests. "Rory."

"No, let me finish." She takes a deep breath in. "I was seeing someone, and it wasn't the same."

My chest tightens at the thought and my mouth is set in a grim line.

"Not that I was looking for the same thing, but whatever that extra _thing_ was, it was missing. And it wasn't even a serious thing with this guy. It was really casual. I mean, it barely went anywhere." She makes a face and ducks down, seemingly talking to herself. "What am I saying?" She looks back up into my eyes. "Anyways, I think that maybe enough time has passed that maybe…I was wondering…" She leaves it open ended.

I reach across the table and grasp her hands into my own. Rubbing my thumbs across her palm, I try to calm her. "Rory. Nothing has changed. You're still in New Haven and I'm still here."

"I know."

"So what makes you think it would work now? You were hell bent last time in saying that distance doesn't work." My voice is gentle.

"I've had some time to reflect. And I think maybe you were right. If we work at it hard enough, we can do it."

I smile ruefully. It only took more than a year for her to see my point, and for me to understand that she really did mean for the best when she broke up with me. No matter how ill fated her intentions became. "And now you think, it'll work?"

"I want to at least try."

I release her hands. "I can't."

She looks surprised. "What?"

I surprise myself as well. Here I was looking for closure and become bombarded with this instead. Damn Ben for calling it earlier. He's right. I'm not over this girl. Being with her obviously proves it. But I'm also not ready to jump back into things with her. I'm not ready to put myself out there again. Not with her. Probably not with anyone. "I can't." I repeat.

"Are…are you seeing someone?"

"No."

Her arms cross across her chest protectively. "I don't understand."

"Rory. We're friends. Just like you wanted."

"Oh."

I sigh and silently look out the window to my right. She's not saying anything either.

The burger's gone cold and I suddenly don't want another bite.

---

We stand outside of the diner, painfully aware that we've not spoken in more than fifteen minutes. She looks up at the sky as I close the door behind me and I pause. She looks disappointed and sad. It almost makes me regret what I said earlier. She turns. "Maybe I should just head back to my hotel."

"No." I don't want it to end like this. "I promised you my manuscript. You still wanna see it?"

She considers my offer. "I…okay."

"Yeah?" I had half expected her to say no. "Okay. Come on, my place is just around the corner."

Walking, I keep a leisurely pace, aware that she's struggling to keep up with my longer strides. Shorten my steps, we near my apartment building. Brandishing my key, I open it and step aside for her. She keeps her head down. I punch the elevator button and wait with my hands to my side, knowing that she hasn't said a word. I hear her take in a shaky breath, but she keeps her head stubbornly down even as we enter the elevator. I don't say a word. Getting out, I usher her again with my hand on her back, veering her to the correct direction. Unlocking the door, I whistle for Adso. He comes out, eyes bright at seeing a familiar figure. He comes up to her, barking and jumping for attention. I watch, waiting for her laughing voice but find that she just pets him in silence. Now I'm worried. "Rory?"

She shakes her head, eyes still out of sight. Her voice wavers and to my horror, she lifts her face and to my horror, I find that it's tearstained. "I should go. I shouldn't have come."

"Hey, hey." I block her way, arm shooting out to stop her from opening the front door. "What's going on?"

"This was a mistake."

I sigh. "Come here. I can't let you go like this." Before I give her time to protest, I enfold her into my arms for a hug. She squirms against me for a moment, but then relaxes into my touch. "Sit down. Let's talk."

She does, sitting down at the end of the couch. I sit in the middle with my knees facing her. She brushes aside her tears. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing this."

"Doing what?"

"I shouldn't make you feel guilty about this. You're right; I asked to be friends and we are. I was the one who broke up with you and now…I really have no right."

"Rory." I tip up her chin and gaze into her liquid eyes. My body responds to her, but my brain fights it. My heart's beating wildly against my ribcage as I lean over to see her match my movements. I hear her suck in a shaky breath, and I rub her cheek gently with the back of my fingers in hopes to soothe her frayed emotions. Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions; I had never anticipated for this to be the end of today. She's leaning closer and I swallow the lump in my throat. Resting our foreheads together, I cup her waist in my other hand and stroke her hips through her jeans. Bending down, I catch her lips between mine, tugging ever so gently. The kiss is soft, a lingering of touch, promising the onslaught of emotions we once shared. _This_ is what I remember. The featherlike touch of her tongue against mine, the softness of her lips, the sigh that escapes her parted lips. Pulling back just a fraction, I struggle for the stability of my practical decisions. I sigh.

Her small hands are holding my face, fingers curled around my ears. Her eyes open and lock on mine. "Jess?"

I wince hearing the hopeful sound. I push the feeling aside. "Yes?"

"What are we doing? I thought we weren't…" She trails off.

I pull her closer into my embrace. Practically dragging her into my lap, I settle her and secure her place between my arms. Nuzzling into the side of her neck, I pepper kisses on the skin that's beneath my lips. "We weren't. We can't. But I want…" I leave the rest to her imagination. Surely she knows what I'm getting at.

She relaxes against my chest. "But you said we were friends. That's it." She sighs and presses her warm lips behind my ear, at the line of my jaw, on my Adam's apple…

"We are." My voice is hoarse.

She pulls away. "I don't want to be friends. I mean," she checks herself. "I don't want to be _just_ your friend."

I grimace and try to hide my face in her neck, but she refuses to accommodate me and pushes my chin up to face her with a single forefinger. I shake my head. "Rory."

She flinches. "No, no."

Concerned, I duck down to try to catch her eyes. "No, what?"

Her hold on my chest tightens. "You're about to say something bad. I can feel it."

I don't bother denying it. "Rory." I find my voice again. "Rory, look at me."

"No." She shakes her head and defiantly keeps her head buried into my shoulder.

I nudge her and caress the bare skin of her lower back. "Please, look at me." She complies. Her blue eyes are glassy, signaling another set of oncoming tears and it breaks my heart. "I want you. I don't deny it." I pull her into my lap to show her. "But I also won't lie and say that everything's okay between you and me. I'm only offering you tonight. That's it."

Her lower lip quivers and she finally releases her hold on me. But she doesn't get up. "I don't want tonight."

I know she's lying. I can feel the heat of her arousal as much as I can feel mine. "Yes, you do."

She gets off of me and onto her feet. "I want _more_ than tonight."

I swallow. "I'm not ready to offer it."

She's holding herself, arms crossed, hugging her midsection. She's upset. "Why are you so afraid of being with me again?"

I don't bother lying. I get up as well, feeling mismatched with her looking down at me. "Because I just am!" I stalk off into the kitchen, knowing full well she'll follow me.

"I'm willing to forgive you. I have forgiven you. Why won't you do the same for me?"

I hang my head. I don't have an answer. "I just…can't."

Softly, she asks. "Do you miss me?"

Eyes ablaze, I don't like her questioning something she knows to be true. "You know I do."

She's becoming irritated. "I just don't get you!"

"I'm not asking you to." I don't raise my voice.

It bugs her that I'm not stooping to her level. It only serves to infuriate her even more. "I know you miss me, you kiss me like _that_, and yet you're not willing to give me anything but tonight. Don't lie to me. I know you want me. I felt it. You were kissing me like you used to."

Yes I was. "It doesn't matter, Rory."

"Like hell it does!"

I wince.

She softens at once. "Why are you so afraid to love someone? Why are you afraid to let someone love you?"

I set my jaw. "Because it only hurts me."

And that shuts her up. Coming up to me, she invades my personal space and kisses me once more. Unable to resist, I let her. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her back, hard and demanding. Passionately, I tangle my tongue with hers; tasting something I know I will never again. She pulls back and settles her palms against my chest. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I want to be with you, Jess. But if you're unwilling, then it's best that we don't see each other anymore. As friends or anything else. I can't handle it. But I won't beg. I want someone who wants to be with me. And if you don't want it, then…well, I guess there's not much I can do, is there?" She's braver than I ever imagined, and I admire her for sticking to her guns, no matter how much it pains me.

I drop her hands. "No, there isn't."

She stands awkwardly in my apartment. "Are you still mad at me for what happened?"

"No, I'm not." I whisper honestly.

"Really? You're not still mad over the fact that I said I didn't love you?"

"Yes. We both had our reasons. You were right. And I know you just said that to make me want to leave. I wouldn't have ended up here if we were still together so in some weird way, I'm glad things turned out the way the did. But this isn't about that."

She comes up to me. "Then what is this about?"

I sit down at the kitchen table and gesture for her to mimic me. "I asked to see you because I wanted to know once and for all that I was over you."

She looks mildly offended. "Oh." She traces a finger on the tabletop. "And are you?"

I scoff. "No. I think that kiss proved that much."

"Now what?" She asks. "You're angry because you find out you're not over me? I'm not over you either. You'd think a normal person would find that information as good news."

"Rory." Exasperated, I drop my head. "Whether I'm over you or not, doesn't mean I'm looking to get back together."

She recoils as if I've burned her. She questions, "Why?"

"I don't know." I shrug. "I…the thought never entered my mind."

She's stung. "Never?"

"I'm sorry." I reach out to touch her but she recoils. "I'm sorry, I never thought about it. I figure that once we're broken up, that's it. We're done."

"Things are in really final terms with you, aren't they?"

"Yeah, they are. It's why I wanted to work things out initially." She begins to protest and I cut her off. "I'm not blaming you. I'm not. This is about me, not you."

"Oh god." She groans. "Not the 'it's me, not you' line."

Even though I'm twisted with emotions, I snicker. "It's lame, I know. But it's true."

"Okay." She nods and gets up slowly. "Like I said, I won't beg. And if you say it's really something that you need to work out, then I'll believe you."

"Rory—"

She opens the door and steps through. "Bye Jess."

---

_Why not?_

Am I really ready to set aside what I've gone through just to do it all over again with her? I miss her, undoubtedly, but I don't miss the hurt I went through when she left.

Those words plague me. _Why not?_ Because I can't stand being hurt again, that's why. I know I'm not over her, but it doesn't mean that I want her again, does it?

Turning off the light, I wander into the bedroom hoping to fall asleep sleep.

---

"Jeez, what the hell is up your ass?"

"Nothing." I snarl.

"Okay. You're not meeting the author today." Ben walks by with a matter of fact tone in his voice.

"What do you mean?"

"There's no way I'm letting you meet anyone when you're like this. Scott, you go."

Scott looks jarred but gets up to collect the paperwork from my desk.

I brush them aside. "Like hell he is. This guy's mine."

"No, he's _mine_." Ben's forceful, reminding me just whom I work for.

I relent but glare at him as I stand and walk out the door. Pushing the door open with more force then necessary, I sit down on the stoop and finger the packet of cigarettes in my back pocket. Tapping the box, I slide one out and slip it between my lips. Sparking the lighter, I inhale deeply. Blowing smoke out of the way, I finish the first one quickly. Stubbing it out, I light another as footsteps come behind me. I don't need to turn to know who it is. "Go away."

"Give me one." Ben stretches out his hand.

I pause. "You don't smoke."

"You don't know that."

"Fine." I toss him the rest. "Have at it."

He sits next to me and puffs in silence. "I take it things with Rory didn't go as expected."

I don't fight him. "Nope."

"Not over her, I gather."

I let the hitch in my breathing and my silence answer him instead.

"Cheer up." He pats my back. "It's not the end of the world. You'll get there eventually."

I shake off his hand. "It's not that."

"It's not?"

In a rush, the words escape. "I don't know if I want to get over her." Surprised at my own declaration, I reach for another cigarette.

"Huh." He stubs his out on the concrete. "What brought this on?"

"We kissed." I hang my head. "She wanted to get back together. I said no."

"Because…?"

"Because she hurt me, damn it!"

He looks over at me. "When? Last night?"

"Yes, I mean, no, when we broke up."

Gently, he speaks. "That's in the past. I thought you let go of it."

"I know. I have. It's just easier to forgive when she's not in front of me." I cough, feeling the smoke fill my lungs.

Ben's silent, contemplating. "Jess," he rests his forearms on his bent knees. "It's okay not to be over her."

I scoff.

He continues softly. "It's okay if you still love her."

My head whips around. "Who said I loved her?"

"What kind of idiot do you take me for?" He drops his joke. "Point is, it's okay if you want to be with her again."

"It's not okay. It would mean that…"

"That you need her." He chuckles. "It's not a terrible position to be in. Needing someone. You're human. It's okay to let her in again."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Maybe. Maybe not." He watches people pass by. "You're afraid of being with her again because you think that it would erase everything you've been through this last year. As if all your efforts have been for nothing."

I bite the inside of my cheek. "Why should I get back together with her?" Absentmindedly, I muse aloud.

"Because you deserve to give her a second chance. You deserve to give _yourself_ a second chance as well. And you should once and for all forgive her and understand that she's not to blame for everything. You weren't ready to hear it way back when, but you know just as well as I do that it took the both of you to break up. It's not fair to lay it all on her, you know?"

I sigh and mumble, mostly to myself. "I wanted to prove that I was over her. All I found out was that I'm still in love with her."

Ben smiles. "I'm probably not the person you should be confessing that to."

Understanding breaks across my face and I nod. Getting up, I can't help but feel like I've got the wind knocked out of me. "I think…I'll be back."

"Take the rest of the weekend off." Ben chuckles and reaches into his back pocket to toss something at me. "Here, you'll need this."

Catching the condom in my hand, I scowl and bite back the question of why he's randomly carrying condoms in the middle of the day.

Seeing my reaction, he smirks. "Don't act like you don't want it." He gets up before I can remark. Turning his back to me he waves me off dismissively. "Get outta here before I change my mind and make you work."

Grinning, I flag down a cab coming down the street.

---

"Sir, I'm sorry, but I can't give out information like that."

Scowling at the concierge, I lean heavily across the counter. "Rory Gilmore. Just tell me what room she's in." Sucking in a deep breath, I look at him straight into his gray eyes. "Please."

"Sir, like I said—"

Pounding my fist, "I don't give a damn about what you said. Just tell me what room she's in."

"Sir, if you would please just step aside."

With a low murderous tone, I growl. "No, I would not like to step aside until you tell me which room she's staying in."

He meets my gaze with his own steel one, unrelenting of the information. The elevator dings and for a brief moment, my eyes scan own to land on a familiar sight. Quickly abandoning the front desk, I stride over to reach out for her arms. "Paris!"

She recoils but recovers and fixes her usual gaze of slight feminist disgust upon me. "Satan Spawn." She nods.

I roll my eyes. "What room is Rory staying in?"

"What? So you can badger her? I don't think so."

I clench my fists in a vain attempt from reaching out to wring the neck of the first person I see. Collecting my frayed emotions, I try again, voice calmer. "Please. I need to talk to her." For good effect, I add another, "Please, Paris. It's important. I promise I'm not going up to bother her."

She considers my tone and lets me hanging for the longest minute. "511."

"Thank you." Already around her and stepping into the elevator, I nervously hit the button for level five.

The doors begin to slide shut but not before she whips around to warn me. "Don't tell her I told you. And I swear, Mariano, if you make my roommate cry again, I'll tear off your extremities. Starting with the one that makes you such a stubborn male!"

Waiting impatiently, I watch as the hotel elevator opens to admit another passenger. Groaning aloud, the elder man looks at me but darts his eyes away immediately. Getting out, I jog down the hallway to room 511. I knock, well aware that my blood is pounding in my veins so loud that I swear it's audible.

It swings open to her in her pajamas, with a surprised expression. "Jess?"

I open my mouth to answer but find that I've reached out with my arms to crush her into me instead. The kiss comes out like a harsh winter storm, full of emotions that I don't know how to express, a torrent of feelings that are entirely too much for me to contain. I channel it all into the kiss, like a lightening rod, every word that I should be saying to her is expressed in all soft lips, tongue, and teeth. My lips seek hers and blindly, I usher her into the room and kick the door closed behind us. Her back bends to accommodate my sudden weight against her, and I press the length of her body hard against mine. Opening my mouth, my tongue traces her lips. She moans against me and I take the opportunity to push past her lips, seeking the familiar space of her mouth. I reach down with my hands, cupping her bottom, bringing her flush against me. My body responds quickly, pressing hard against her flimsy pajama bottoms. She parts her legs and I groan, feeling the delicious heat.

Wrenching her mouth from mine, she looks back, eyes wide. "Wha—?"

With my arms tight around her, I don't dare release my hold. "I love you."

"You what?" She's shocked.

I smile softly. "I love you."

"Are…" She doesn't pull out of my embrace. Innocently, she questions. "Are you _sure_?"

I laugh. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"But what about all that you said yesterday?"

I shake my head. "It's still all true. I'm still…unsure of us. I'm still scared of being with you again. But I love you. I know that much."

"So where does that leave us, then?"

"I don't know." I reply honestly.

"I need you to know." She detangles our arms and sits down on the bed.

I sigh and join her. "I really don't know." I reach out a hand to stroke her cheek. "I just know I don't want to be without you."

She smiles and drops her gaze into her lap. For a moment, I fear that she's going to refuse me like I did her. She looks back up, a mischievous grin upon her lips. "That's a pretty smooth line. Did you practice that on your way here?"

I smirk. "Did it work?"

She gives me a sweet smile but hesitation clouds her eyes. "Jess…"

Exasperated at the situation that we're knee deep in, I drop my playful smirk and sigh deeply. "I know it's sudden for me to come over here and spring all of this on you, but…ugh." I run my scrub my hands on my face. "I don't know. I just don't wanna keep denying the fact that I miss you."

"I know you miss me. And I miss you. But you said it wasn't enough."

"I was wrong."

"What is it that you want?"

I drop my eyes. "What do _you_ want?"

"Don't answer a question with another question."

Smirking, "It's what I do best."

"You're infuriating, you know that?" She's annoyed but not enough to be actually mad. "Jess, be serious."

"I seriously hate being your friend."

She's taken aback. "What?"

"I hate _only_ being your friend. I hate going home to an empty apartment. As much as I love Ad, he's not great company when I want to have an actual conversation. And I'm just so fucking tired of lying. Lying about what I feel, about what you mean to me."

Placing her head gently on my shoulder, she strokes my hand. "Is that going to be enough?"

"I wanna be with you. I know that much." Cupping her jaw in my palm, I relish in the fact that she leans into my touch. "Isn't that enough?"

She scoots over and curls her hand around my neck. With my arms moving to bring her into my lap, I bury my face into her hair. She sighs and kisses my brow. "Are you offering me more than just tonight?"

I kiss the bare skin above her tank top, making her melt into me. "Yeah. If you want it."

"I do." She turns to straddle my lap. Sitting on top of me, she looks down, eyes shining. "I love you too. I'm sorry, Jess about what I said when we broke up. It just came out and then I couldn't take it back. Everything just spiraled out of control until it was just too late. And—"

"Shh. I know." My hands run up and down her back. "What's done is done. Forget about it."

She tears up and I reach up to brush them aside. "Okay." I just stare at her, memorizing every detail all over again. I trace each freckle on her face, creating a map of who she is. I smile as she sighs into my lap. She gazes at me. "Are you gonna kiss me again or what?"

I smirk. Moving my hands to her knees, I part her legs further, bringing her down to me. Melting her lips against mine, I take my time absorbing the feeling of her mouth, of her tongue, against mine. Leaning back, I hit the bed, bringing her with me, still tangled into our kiss. I smile against her lips, and she strokes her tongue up against mine, to the front of my teeth, and across my lips. With my back flat against the bed, she stretches out on me, crushing her delicious weight on me. I shift our hips, letting her feel my arousal and she moans. My hands tangle into her hair, feeling the softness between each of my fingers. Bending my knees, I create a hollow and she matches her hips against mine again. Releasing my mouth, she kisses the underside of my jaw, licking her way down to my collarbone. Her hands go to the zipper of my sweatshirt and slips beneath my t-shirt, feeling my bare chest under cold fingers. I squirm. Pulling away, I lift up my head and complain playfully. "Hey, no fair. I can't touch."

She smiles broadly and sits up on my legs. Quickly pulling off her own shirt, I can feel myself growing harder by the second as I notice that she's not wearing a bra. Shaking my head, I sit up and reach out to palm her bare breast. Her head lulls back at the sensation. Pressing a thumb against the hardened nipple, she grasps blindly for my shoulder, fingers digging into me. My other hand brushes the skin of her exposed back, creating goosebumps as I go along. Dragging her up into my lap again, I sit with my back against the headboard. Kissing down to her shoulder, I nip at the curve of her neck, breathing in her scent. "God, you're beautiful." She smiles but looks away at the compliment. Kissing her shoulder, I rest for a moment against her, trying to catch my breath.

Leaning away from me, she snickers at my protest. "Hold on." She crawls down my legs to unbuckle my belt, undo my jeans, and pull them off. My thin boxers do nothing to hide my erection. She draws a lazy finger down my length and I lay down, bringing her back up into a kiss. Flipping us around, I hover over her. Hooking my fingers around her bottoms, I pull them down and toss them away. She giggles. Kissing her naked knee, I continue my way up, finding the edge of her light gray underwear. Her intake of breath is sharp as I kiss her inner thigh and then up my way to the junction of her legs. "Jess, please." Her request is breathless. She holds out her hands to me and I take them, kissing the spot between her breasts and back up to her lips.

Lying side by side, I just enjoy our kiss. It's been too long and I'm in no hurry to have sex with her. I just want to be with her. Running a hand down her side, I pull her into me. She nuzzles my neck and traces the elastic of my boxers. I look down. "It's okay." She nods and removes them as I lift my hips. I finger her bottoms as well. "Can I?"

She nods but takes them off herself. She lies back with a twinkle in her eyes. Kissing her, I move my lips in a heated trail down her sternum to her breasts, taking on into my mouth as my hand kneads the other. She arches up into me and I increase the pressure. Her legs come to wrap around my waist, squeezing me to relieve some of the tension herself. I rock against her, once, twice, and suddenly, it's too much. Way too much. I release her breasts to support my weight on my straining forearms. I drop my forehead against hers, sweaty from the anticipation. She thrusts up into me and it's dissolving my control. "Rory." I choke out.

Breathlessly, she mindlessly rocks into me, feeling me brush against her. "Tell me you have a condom. Please."

I chuckle. "Can't wait, can you?"

She glares at me playfully. Reaching between our bodies, she gives me a firm stroke to show how she feels about my lame joke. "I'm obviously not the only one who can't wait."

I smirk. "Tease." I rock into her again.

"Jess…condom?"

I lick her lips, before muttering, "Pocket. Jeans." Thank God for Ben.

"I won't ask why you're carrying around birth control in your pocket."

Restlessly, I run hot palms up and down her body. "Good. Don't ask, otherwise I doubt you're ever going to look Ben in the eye again."

She giggles. "I _so_ don't wanna know." Turning, she shifts me off her body as she searches my pants. Snuggling into her side, I cup her breasts from behind, feeling the weight of her. Molding her body to mine, she bucks as my hand and fingers find their way between her legs once more. "Jess!" She sputters out laughter. "You're driving me crazy."

"Believe me, the feeling is mutual." I mutter.

Facing me again, she presses a kiss on my lips, her mouth hot on mine. "Are you going to keep me waiting?"

I smirk. "Impatient?"

"I think we've waited long enough."

I don't reply I simply roll her over again. Positioning myself on top, I unwrap the condom and quickly roll it on myself. Bending to kiss her again, I cup her hip with one hand and support my weight with the other. With a thrust of my tongue against hers, I enter her quickly. She tightens in unconscious resistance but I distract her by sucking on her tongue, drawing a giggle out of her. She relaxes and leans into me. I squeeze my eyes shut feeling that indescribable something that I've been missing. She curls her legs around my waist, bringing me deeper, and I clench my jaw feeling her hot around me. Eyes closed, I bend down to kiss her hard, tongues dueling for control, mimicking the movement of our bodies. I reach to cup her breast and I'm delighted as I feel goosebumps appear. Pulling my hips away, she whimpers, feeling me almost leave. Frenzied hands reach for my waist and she arches her back, sucking me in as she digs her nails into my shoulder blades. Reading her body like we were never apart, I reach between her legs, finding the place to touch her where she's too shy to ask. I watch as her eyes flutter open and closed, mouth parted in a perfect 'O', and a silent scream escaping her lips. Feeling her let go is more than I can handle. Sparks shoot off behind closed lids, dragging me into a damp darkness that's nothing I ever thought possible. It's over before I had planned, but damn, I've never climaxed like that. Rolling off to my side, I bring her close.

Struggling to catch my breath, I look over at her. Hair matted to her forehead, smile on her lips, she makes my heart constrict at the thought that I almost let her go again. Pulling her into the curve of my shoulder, I grin. Uncontrollably. Molding her body to mine, she catches the look. "What?"

I try to shake off my grin but find no result. "Love you."

She smiles and moves to perch her chin and half her body on my chest. I settle back into the pillows to make myself more comfortable. She draws a lazy fingertip around my flat nipple. "Do you know that you've only said that to me once before?"

"Oh yeah?" She can be incredibly distracting even when she doesn't mean to.

"Yeah." Her hands tangle into my hair, brushing it off my forehead. "After the first time we admitted it, you never said it again."

"Huh."

"Yeah." She lays a gentle kiss on my lips. "I like the way it sounds." She whispers into my ear, stirring emotions with her breathing against my skin.

I turn to lay a kiss on the nape of her neck. "Me too." Turning, I cuddle her close, wanting to feel every inch of her skin against mine. Skin that I've just marked as my own and a body that had just surrendered to mine. Hitching a leg over one of hers, I mold our bodies together, spoon fashion, and bury my face into her shoulder, wanting to reassure the fact that she's actually here with me.

---

"What's this?" She's lying on her stomach, half across me with her legs between mine, mixed with the hotel sheets.

"What?" I kiss her hand as it retreats from its place on my jaw and I reach up to hold her hand in mine. Squeezing her fingers between my own, I feel the contrast of her soft hands against my rougher ones.

"This." Her other hand traces a line down my left index finger. "It's a scar. It's new."

"Hm." I hum absentmindedly against her shoulder and nuzzle her neck for a moment. "I accidentally cut myself when I was making dinner a couple months ago." Pausing, I nip the softer skin of her upper arm. "I like that you know all my scars."

"Poor baby." She follows the delicate scar with her tongue, finally taking the tip of my index and sucking gently, bringing heat between our bodies and blood rushing to the lower regions of mine.

My eyes darken in the already dim room and I reach down to pull her bottom firmly against my hips. Nudging her cheek with my nose, she turns and eagerly accepts my kiss. Moving our bodies, I hover over her, arms braced at her sides. Her hair is fanned out across the pillows and without even asking, I rest all of my weight on her, wanting nothing more than to really feel her beneath me. She squirms after a couple of moments and I twist my neck to peek around at her. "Sorry. Too heavy?"

Her hands hook around my waist to move me off to the side, but not entirely off of her. "A little." Inching her way out from under me, she lays her head on my shoulder. Tucking her face into my neck, she nips at my shoulder and kisses it afterwards. Making a whimpering noise against me, I can barely make out the muffled sounds. "Missed you."

Tugging my fingers through her tangled hair, I smooth it down. "I know."

I can feel her eyelashes against the sensitive skin of my neck and the way it flutters lets me know that she's falling asleep. I hear her take in a deep breath. "You smell the same."

I smirk and roll over to face her. Kissing her again, I linger on her lower lip. With our lips and breaths mingling, I smile. "You taste the same."

Her cheeks are stained with color. "Oh yeah?" Even with all that we've ever done, I love that she can still be so easily embarrassed.

"Yeah. But I don't think I got enough just yet…" Dragging my lips down her chest, I surround her nipple, making it contract with heat.

She sighs and tickles my scalp with her blunt nails. "Hmm…you're good at that."

I chuckle, puffing breath against her sensitive skin. "You do wonders for my ego, you know?"

"It's big enough."

I smirk. "I'll have mercy on you and refrain from saying all the dirty things that just came to mind."

"Well, if you're not going to say them, are you going to do them?"

Shocked, I pull back with a grin. "God, what has happened to you?"

Shrugging, she tries to appear nonchalant. She fails and breaks out into a wide smile. "This is the new bolder Rory."

"Huh." Pulling her to straddle my waist, I lean back, loving the feeling of her pressed down hard on top of me. Resting my hands on her bottom, I nudge her up. "Let's see how far your newfound bravery goes then."

She bites down on her lip but nods. Rising up onto her knees, she engulfs me quickly in tight warmth. "Like this?" A bright blush appears as she moves on me in long luxurious nudges.

"Already shy again?" I chuckle. "Here, I'll help…"

---

I watch her sleep in my arms. There's nothing that can even begin to describe what I feel for her. Looking for closure, all I found was that I couldn't live without her. No, that's not true. I didn't _want_ to live without her. She's tucked into my side, curled up, satisfied like a happy kitten. The rise and fall of her chest matches my own. Running a hand down her, I leave the sheets pooled around her lower back, covering just enough for me to want more. She's beginning to stir but I don't remove my hand. Turning onto her side, she smiles sleepily at me. "Hi."

Lying back down next to her, I roll onto my back as she comes to rest fully on me. "Hey."

"What time is it?"

"About six."

"Hm." She snuggles into my chest and my legs part to let her hips match mine. "I have to leave today around noon."

My hands stop. "Why?"

"Because I came with the school. We took a bus." She rubs the sleep out of her eyes and begins to sit up.

Getting up as well, I bring my knees to my chest. "No, stay with me, at least for a couple of days."

"I can't." She crawls into my embrace. I hug her tightly and sigh into her hair. She's stroking my chest in a soothing manner while her words are anything but. "Nothing's changed, has it? You were right. I'm still in New Haven and you're still in New York."

I tip up her chin. "That doesn't matter. We can commute."

Cradled in my embrace, she relaxes against me. "But we can't sleep together as often as we did before."

"No." I smirk. "But that makes for some great reunion sex, don't you think?"

She tries to hide her laughter but ends up chuckling in the end. "Dirty."

"I'm hoping."

Her laughter dies down in a sigh. "So…we'll work out, yeah?"

That sounds vaguely reminiscent about our relationship before. "Yeah."

Musing aloud, she rubs her leg against mine. "I didn't think I'd end up here during this trip."

"Isn't this what you wanted? To get back together?"

"Yeah, but I didn't think you'd actually do it. You're really stubborn, you know that?"

I snicker. "Same goes for you."

"Still, I had no idea."

I duck down to catch her eyes. "You happy?"

"Of course." She answers me quickly. "You?"

I smile softly and kiss her in response. Pulling back, I frame her face in my palms, brushing aside a stray tear. "What's this?"

"Nothing." She sniffles. "Just happy. I can't believe that I thought…oh, never mind."

"What?" I press tenderly.

"Just…we've lost a lot of time." She picks at her fingernails.

"Well, we're young." I make light of the situation. "And I think as hard as it was, the almost-year we spent apart was good for us."

She sits back, but I pull her bent legs over mine to keep us connected. "I was…stubborn. You were right to say it just now. I said something I didn't mean and stupidly I stuck to my guns."

I run her knee. "The other side of the coin is that you're driven. When you know what you want, you go at it, all pistons firing. No questions."

She smiles. "You're being very nice about this. Hate to say it, but I hurt you. I know that. I said I didn't love you."

I nod solemnly. "I'm painfully aware. But you were right as well. I didn't help with all the secrets that I kept. I've never let anyone in like I did with you, Rory. And still…I don't think it was enough."

"It wasn't fair of me to demand everything from your past. You have the right to keep some things to yourself."

"Not at the cost of us."

She shrugs. "Maybe not. Fact of the matter is that we've both made mistakes." She takes my hands and brings them to her lips. "So, no more big secrets, yeah? But the little ones like you secretly listen to 80s pop music, you can keep to yourself." She smiles broadly.

Returning her smile, I kiss her lightly. Reaching out, I touch her cheek. This is the time I tell her about Susan. I know it. If I'm going to learn from the past and not make the same mistake twice, I have to tell her now. Even though she looks like she's so happy that the world can't touch her. And honestly, I feel like that as well. "I have something I need to tell you."

"Oh?"

I grip her fingers in mine, twining them intimately, drawing strength in doing so. "After we broke up. Months after, I…well, Susan called me. She left me a couple of messages that I ignored. But when we decided to be friends, I thought that maybe I could do the same with her as well. And a while ago, I was in her apartment…and we kissed."

She blinks. "Okay." The word comes out dragged out and slow.

"But there was nothing. And I'm not lying to you by saying that it was absolutely nothing there. No feeling, no spark, nothing. We both felt it, Rory. That night I knew that was it for us. That was it."

She nods and I can tell that she's mulling it over. "So you were seeing her again. Susan."

I release her hands and let her slide her legs away. "Yeah. Just as friends. I swear." I'm getting concerned. She hasn't said anything and her face is emotionless. "Rory?"

"You wanted…you were looking to be done with me once and for all. You went back to her." She's wrapped her arms around her chest. Gathering up the covers, she gets to her feet.

Anxious, I follow suit quickly. "No. I didn't go back to anyone. We were just friends. Like we tried to be."

That stops her. "Like us? This is where being friends ended up for us!" She gestures to the mass of rumpled sheets and fallen blankets.

Going up to her, I know this is my chance, once and for all. "Yes." Running warm palms down her arms, I pull her into a kiss. Applying gentle pressure, I move up to her jaw line, running teasing fingers down her neck to get her to respond. She beings to fight the kiss, fists clenched, but I don't let her pull away. If there's one way to get a point across with this woman, it's with action. Easing out of the kiss, I keep her tight in my arms. "Can't you see that I'm happy it didn't work out for us as friends? I much rather have this _and_ be your friend."

She sighs and holds onto my hips. "Guess I shouldn't react with a knee jerk, huh? I've done that before and it did us no good." Pursing her lips, she looks determined. "But don't think that you can kiss me every time and magically make the issue disappear."

"Yes, ma'am." I reply with a cheeky expression.

Holding me at arms length she regards my face seriously. "You're really over her? There's nothing left?"

There's no hesitation in my reply. "No."

She nods. "I went on a few dates with this guy." She blurts it out.

I tighten my grip on her shoulder. "I figured that much."

"How?"

Dryly, I respond. "You were talking to some guy on the phone that time we had dinner with my parents and Luke. I'm not that stupid."

"Oh, right." She looks crestfallen.

"Hey." I kiss her lightly. "I don't care about that. Really."

"No?"

"No."

She smiles and snuggles back into me. "Good. 'Cause there's nothing to worry about."

"Rory," suddenly my gut tightens as I debate whether or not to ask the question. "Rory, did you…I mean, did you sleep…"

She shakes her head. "No." Biting her lip, she reaches out to touch my jaw. "Did you?" Her voice is soft and childlike.

I lean into her palm. "No."

"Are you lying?"

I should be offended, but I'm not. "No. You're a hard girl to get over, you know that?"

"And did you? Get over me?"

"I think it's safe to say that I didn't." I smirk as I tangle our legs together beneath the sheets.

"The guy I dated kissed me."

A muscle twitches. "And?"

"And it was…fine. Adequate. Good in its own ways." She touches her lips to mine briefly. "But nothing like kissing you. Kissing you is like…what every girl imagines when they watch old black and white movies but at the same time, it's not. It's the kind where men come to blows over and duel at dawn. It's like…trying to capture lightning in a bottle. Impossible but you imagine it's amazing if you ever get the chance."

"Lightning in a bottle huh?" I smirk.

"Yeah."

I chuckle. "Good to know that I'm not replaceable."

Worming her way out of my grasp, she looks over her shoulder, tossing me a sultry smile. Wordlessly, she rummages through her duffel and tugs a shirt over her head. "Let's go."

"Where?"

Coming up to me, she drags a finger down my bare chest. "Breakfast."

I whine. "Why? Let's order room service. That's what it's for."

"No, let's go out." She hands me my sweatshirt and grins impishly.

"Let's stay in. I'll make it worth your while." Pulling her flush against my body, I groan. "How am I going to say goodbye to you today?"

"Don't. Take a couple days off and come visit me."

"You'd have to sneak me in. Can you stomach breaking school rules?" I tease.

"For you? Yeah." Cuddling back into my arms, she lays between my open legs.

I stroke her hair in a calming, repetitive motion. "I can't. The guys need me this week."

"I need you."

"How about next weekend? I can drive down."

She sighs. "Yeah, okay."

Smiling, I pull gently at the hemline of her shirt. "Why are you wearing still wearing that?"

" 'Cause I thought we were going to go out for breakfast."

Ducking down, I capture her lips. Moving in a gentle wet glide, I settle my hands flat against her, one at her lower back, the other tugging her hips into mine. "Have I convinced you otherwise yet?"

She smiles reluctantly. "Okay. Grab the room service menu."

Rummaging through the nightstand table, I pull it out. She hasn't bothered to move off of me, and continues to lay sprawled, limbs all askew. "What looks good?"

"Pancakes?"

"And bacon?"

I nudge her a little to the left, shifting her weight. "It's a wonder you're not fat."

"Hey, you're not supposed to say that to a girl."

I bite my tongue from further sarcastic replies. "Sorry."

She wrinkles her nose at me. "I'll let that one slide, mister."

"So, pancakes and bacon? All for the low price of like, twelve dollars." I smirk.

"You were the one who insisted on room service." She picks up the phone and dials for the front desk.

As I watch her twist her torso, I pull her shirt halfway up her back, nipping the clean skin that I've just uncovered. She shrinks away at the intrusion as she asks the operator for room service. Giving her an innocent look, I shrug. "What's the good of ordering room service if you're not going to eat naked in bed?"

Her eyes widen and she gives a hasty thanks to whoever is on the receiving end. Hanging up, she gives me a mock look of reprove. Giggling, she pounces on me again. Hearing my muted groan, she laughs louder. "You have horrible manners."

"So I've been told." Pulling her shirt off, she sits on my upper thighs, naked once again.

"Jess…" She trails off as I circle my thumb in lazy patterns around her breasts. "One of us has to answer the door when they come with the food."

"And?"

"And we can't both be naked."

I sit up further and capture her lips. "That's what you think. I'll have you know that it only takes about three seconds to wrap a bed sheet around my waist."

"But what about—"

"Shh. No talking." I cut her off with a kiss.

She sighs in fluttery pleasure and gives up arguing.

---

Shouldering her backpack stuffed with clothes and souvenirs, I reach for her hand. Waiting for the elevator, I turn her around so that she's facing me. Hugging her tightly against me, I breathe in her scent. She's soapy clean and free of additional perfumes. "How much longer?"

She tugs at my wrist with her free hand. "About an hour." She doesn't let go. "Hey, you're wearing the watch I gave you." She sounds happy.

I nod with my chin on the crown of her head. "Yeah."

"Oh." Her voice is muffled against my shoulder. "I have something for you."

I let her pull back. "Yeah?" The elevator dings and we step in. Leaning against the back, I tug her to stand between my spread legs. Good thing the elevator is empty.

Leaning into my body, she digs into her front pocket. "Here." A cheap plastic 'I heart NY' keychain dangles from her forefinger.

I raise an eyebrow. "You're kidding."

She giggles at my expression. "Hear the reason before you shoot it down." She reaches into my jeans and ferrets out my keys.

I smirk. "I like when you reach into my pockets. Keep digging around."

"Quiet, you. Ah ha." My keys sit in her open palm, bound together by only a single silver key ring.

"Okay, tell me why you're giving me a lame New York souvenir."

"Well," she pauses and steps aside as another passenger joins us. Edging into the back corner, she whispers. "I know it's lame, but this was trip better than I could have hoped for, and…well, I love New York, and I love _you_, so…"

I smile softly, understanding what she's trying to tell me. Brushing a soft but brief kiss on her lips, I take both the keychain and my keys. "Thanks." Slipping it on, the sight of an extra key catches my attention. As I wedge the plastic keychain on, I pull off the silver key. "Here." I reach for her hand.

"What's this?"

"It's a key to my apartment."

She's smiling like a fool. "Yeah? How will you get home?"

"This one's Ben's. I've finally got the spare back from him. Safe to say that I'm sick of having him pop into my place in the morning for a cup of coffee." I grin.

"I…wow." She stares at it. "You sure?"

"Yeah."

She opens her mouth to say something else, but the elevator chime signals that we're on the ground floor. Taking her hand, I trail her steps as we get off.

---

I'm holding onto her like an infatuated teen, but I really couldn't care less. With one arm tucked around her shoulders, I steer through the bus depot crowd. "Where are your people?"

"Uh, I can't see."

Scanning the jostling crowd, I pull her closer as a guy nearly plows into her. "Huh. Guess you'll just have to ditch school and stay with me."

She jabs my ribs. "Nice try."

"Oh, there." Seeing Paris direct the flow of students into an orderly line, I head off towards that direction. "Your roommate's a Nazi."

She giggles and tucks her body comfortably into mine. "I know."

"I guess I'd better be nice. She did, after all, tell me which room you were staying in."

"Point for Paris."

"But can't you convince her to stop calling me Satan Spawn?"

Her laughter shakes her body. "Sorry. Girls gotta stick together you know. She only started that after we broke up."

I drop a kiss onto her head. "No, I distinctly remember her calling me that that one time I stayed over and she walked in on us showering."

"You used her towel."

I shrug. "What was I supposed to do? Walk out naked?"

Instead of answering, she disentangles from my arms and walks over to Paris, mumbling softly. I watch with an amused expression as both of them turn, one with a smile, the other with a scowl. Coming back over, she plops down on the bench seat next to me. "She says we have fifteen minutes until we have to board the bus."

I nuzzle her cheek, unmindful of the other passengers casting us looks in our direction. Shrugging off her backpack, I lay it down by our feet. "Call me when you get back?"

She smiles and cradles my face in her small hands. "When did you get so protective?"

I nip playfully at her fingers. "When? Since I got back together with my girlfriend whom I haven't seen in a really long time."

The edges of her mouth quirk up even further. "Stop before you ruin your reputation."

I chuckle. "I'm always protective. I just don't say it out loud."

She laughs and wraps her arms around my torso. "Can I call you even in the middle of the night?"

"_Especially_ in the middle of the night. Those always become interesting conversations about what you're wearing, what I'm wearing, what we could be doing…" I grin over at her wickedly.

"We've never done that."

"Maybe we should start."

She beams but her attention catches on something else. "Uh oh, looks like Paris is waving everyone onto the bus now."

"I still have five minutes." I tighten my arms around her. "No, not yet."

She kisses me softly. "Come on, walk me over, please?"

Picking up her backpack again, I tangle our fingers together. Jokingly, I tease her. "Don't talk to strangers, and if guys try to hit on you all you have to do is take your knee and—"

"Jess!" She laughs. "Protective and jealous, what a horrible combination."

I shrug and bump her shoulder gently with mine. "I'm getting used to boyfriend status again. Indulge me."

Waiting off to the side, we watch Paris take down names. "I better tell her I'm in line."

I refuse to let go of her hand. "You already talked to her earlier."

She smiles and wraps her arms around me for a hug. "I'll miss you too."

"Gilmore!"

Rory pushes her face into my shoulder. "That was Paris wasn't it?"

I smirk seeing the girl all red-faced with her clipboard in hand. "Yup." Chuckling, I look down at the girl snuggled in my arms. "Quick, kiss me now, Paris has now moved on to making obscene hand gestures at me."

Turning, she waves her off. "I'll be right there!"

Cupping her cheeks, I brush a dry kiss against her lips, deepening it at my leisure. Moving my hands down, I encircle her shoulders and pull her up into me with a firm hand on the curve of her lower back. She stifles a moan at the feel of my tongue against hers and I pull back before it becomes too intimate. Keeping her close, I whisper against her wet lips. "You better leave now before I haul you back to my place."

"Okay." She smiles and reaches for the backpack in my hands.

Stopping in front of the bus, I stand with her for a brief moment off to the side of the line. "Hey." I duck down to catch her eyes. She looks a little forlorn.

"Yeah?"

Kissing her sweetly, I linger close. "We're going to be okay."

"I trust you."

I ignore the tightness in my chest at those simple words. Even though I, for a lack of a better word, love hearing her say she loves me, hearing that she trusts me affects me more than anything else. I can only respond with another kiss.

"See you later, baby." I smirk hearing that teasing endearment. Watching her climb onto the bus with a cheery wave, I turn, heading back in the direction of the queue of available cabs.

A moment later, I feel the buzzing of my phone in my pocket. Flipping it open, I answer. "Yeah?"

"Aren't you going to stay and watch my bus pull away?"

I chuckle as I turn the corner and wait in the line for open cabs. "That'll be another twenty minutes at best. I have to get back to work."

She laughs softly over the phone. "All right. Miss you already."

"Me too."

"We're sickening."

I chuckle. "Yeah. I don't think I can handle much more."

"Next time I come to visit can you take me and show me around where you work?"

"Sure." I slide into an open cab. Giving him the address, I sit back. "Do you wanna come to me next weekend instead?"

"Thought you were gonna visit me?"

"Well, I do have an apartment all to myself, whereas your dorm has roommates."

"Good point. Okay, I'll check the bus schedules."

"Pack light. We won't be needing a lot of clothes."

She giggles and I know that if I could see her, she'd be blushing. "Jess!"

"Embarrassed?"

"As if I even need to answer that question."

"Guess that bold streak of yours didn't last as long as I would have liked." I laugh, a soft rumble in the back of my throat. "Call me when you're back at Yale. Better yet, wait until you're in bed to call and we can have a nice long chat."

"Jess…" She trails off.

"We'll have that conversation I mentioned earlier."

"I'm hanging up now."

I smirk. "Spoilsport."

"Bye."

Not hearing any sound, I know she hasn't left the conversation yet. "You're gonna call, you know you will. You're curious."

Muffled voices waft over. "Paris is asking why I'm red and grinning, in her words, like a lunatic."

"Tell her it's 'cause your boyfriend knows how to satisfy you."

"Jess! Okay, I really am hanging up now."

"But you'll call me later tonight?" I tease her.

Just as the phone clicks off, I hear a quick and muted, "Yes."

Chuckling to myself, I snap the phone shut again and play with it in my palm. The driver catches my eye in the rearview mirror and the corners of his eyes crinkle with a smile. "Girlfriend?"

I grin and look out the window. "Yeah."

---

**AN: Please review after reading.**


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